Well, I've moved to Seattle, WA. Every morning I get up and practice piano. Then I spend half an hour reading "Home Recording For Musicians for Dummies." I make some more pretty demos to hand out, I map out some places to visit, and I wander the city by foot, introducing myself to caterers and managers of hotels and restaurants.

My main goal: to obtain a music-related source of income.

Sometimes I spend more time researching opportunities online. Maybe I could teach piano instead of perform. Maybe I could write music for video game companies. I need to find something steady, something that would not be a complete waste of time and simultaneously leave me with enough time to further my REAL goals.

What are my real goals? I want to make the final purchases for my home studio and finish recording my new CD. I want to write and produce a musical. I understand it's not so simple. I'm required to spend tons of time promoting these projects so that they become profitable ventures. And that's fine. It's part of what makes it a challenge. An unchallenging goal feels like less of an achievement in the world of Kara.

Do not love me so much because I create things or for the "artistic mastery" of my creations; love me more for the thoughts and feelings that my creations seek to express. Do not love me so much for my appearance, for beauty is only skin deep and I was born with this body--I made no decisions regarding its design and creation. Do not love me for how I dress, because, sadly, I could be dressing to please rather than trying to express who I am. Do not wish me to be an expressive conversationalist with people I do not know well, because I am shy and I choose to share my heart with few so that, when I do share it, what I offer is a special gift. Do not hold it against me that I do not trust many people to understand me, because I've been misunderstood by many.

Love me because everything I experience becomes a part of me, and nothing is insignificant to me. Love me because I know how to laugh at myself when I accidentally squirt conditioner up my nose. Love me because I do not try to change myself to fit society's norms and because I feel like I look at things differently. Love me because I believe that I should not enjoy the fruits of another person's labor if I couldn't, with a peaceful mind & conscience, perform that labor myself (and, for this reason, don't eat meat). Love me because I want to take care of people and comfort them. Love me because I love the earth and want to feel one with her, believing all the universe to be one entity. Love me because I attach symbolic significance to my surroundings and actions. Love me because I think about God and spiritual matters. Love me because I notice and appreciate the small things in life, like the brightness of magenta leaves or the appearance of door-handles worn with use. Love me because I trust in the goodness of people. Love me because I know myself and because I know what I feel and believe and why I do so. Love me because I try to understand how people tick, especially when they hurt me, so that I may better understand them. Love me because I have a book full of goofy quotes and because I am easily amused by silly things, even if you don't understand why it's funny. Love me because I try to protect other people by attempting to hide my hurts or angry thoughts from them. Love me because from day to day I struggle to meet the expectations of others and am ashamed when I lack the talent or intelligence to best or equal my peers in a stale academic world. Love me because I dream. Love me because I do not hate the people who hurt me. Love me because many times I'm random and silly and energetic. Love me because I constantly smile and because I do not share my pains with everyone I meet. Love me because I stare at the moon when I'm walking at night. Love me because I try to be patient and helpful. Love me because I have gathered the strength to say "No" and to defend myself after being walked on for too long. Love me because I know my faults and can admit that I'm proud. Love me because I am vulnerable, because I've been hurt. Love me for my mannerisms, for how I move and talk to people. Love me because I risk my heart for the sake of love. Love me for who I am.

"It's funny," I say to Rachel, "I really have a love/hate relationship with music."

Rachel sits on the bed, smiling faintly, waiting for me to continue my thought. I press my lips together to communicate a pensive expression and look at the ceiling as I gather my thoughts. "Like, I've formed this resentment against it because... I get so tired of feeling bound to it, like I have to put so much time into it and have to pretend that I'm good at it, when I really feel like I'm not. And then there's my family..." Not sure how to continue, I pause.

"Yeah, and their expectations of you."

"Right!"

"With them always being like, 'Have you done anything with your music? When are you going to start working on your music??'"

"EXACTLY. ...But at the same time, I know I LOVE it." As I say this I inwardly shrink. I know just how often people say they love music. It annoys me every time. Like they think being a music-lover makes them special! EVERYONE loves music! Unexplainably, this fact makes me resent it even more.

I know no such thing as silence, in dreams or in waking life. When I walk, I step to the pace of music. Melodies spring from my emotions, and my thoughts are haunted by metaphors that tell me that everything in this world mirrors the world of music. There is no escape.

Simultaneously, I am the willing slave of music, for only it can grant me liberation. Happily am I under its watchful eye, for it saves me from my solitude.

Hello all! I now have a myspace account!

I'm now working at an indie record label that's within walking distance of home. I got the job just in time, as I was running low on money. If they hadn't offered when they did, I would have ended up working at a dog kennel, which could have been kind of fun, but the hours were painful. With this job I can technically work whatever hours I want. I'm not going to work until 10:00 AM, which is perfect because I can get up early and compose my musical in the morning. I'm also meeting lots of great people in the business. I'm hoping to learn some more about audio engineering as well. And wow is it great to have a steady paycheck once again. Yay!

I'm not performing much anymore, and I feel really happy. I'm not really a performer, I'm a writer. I don't want to dress up and be sexy for people. I want to wear my wolf ears or walk around with a raccoon tail. I want to be the quirky self I'd always wanted to be. *chuckle* That would probably sell better anyway.

I'm realizing that fame... it's just, not for me. I don't want to get involved with people who will want to change me or my music for the sake of money. I would never be able to write honest music in such a scenario. It would suck all the joy out of it. I'm kind of tempted to just give my music away to people, just for the sake of sharing a common spirit.

At the same time, I always said I would try to make lots of money so that I could help other people with it. But maybe I don't have to make a WHOLE lot of money to make a difference. In Africa, my American dollar is worth a lot more than it is here. I think I've already given enough money to my cousin's charity to lay a foundation for a school in Ghana. (Well, some of that money was in the form of other people's Christmas presents to me, admittedly, but I requested the donation.)

By the way, please check out her charity. You can donate with the secure knowledge that ALL of that money is going to Ghana's children. http://www.yonsoproject.org/

Anyway, I've learned a lot about myself and the music business over the past few months, and I'm feeling good.