I don't know if I'd call this being productive, but oh well, at least I'm doing SOMETHING.

Feelin' Fine.

This isn't supposed to be a competition, but I can't help but feel like it is and I'm losing. I'm losing bad. I'm losing everything.

Maybe I've already lost and this is just a really long and painful victory lap.

I'm not a poet, and I know it. I'm sorry I'm not. I'm sorry I'm not really anything. I want to be. I want to be so band...I'm just not.

I don't think I'd be shaking as much if everyone (including myself) just realized that this is my potential and I've been living up to it for a long time.

I rarely unload my LAX airport-sized amount of baggage onto the world, especially in blog form, but I've been told it would do me some good, so here we are.

First, lets start with the Big Juicy.

I made a mistake, a bad mistake, and it hurt the person I love more than anyone(thing). I don't know what happened, but as far as I've been told, it did happen and there's no going back. It hurt so bad to know that I could do this to the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. The thought of Lindsey leaving me killed, even though I completely deserve it (for more reasons than this). Lindsey didn't dump me, though, which makes me so happy, but at the same time, makes me feel even shittier. She's far too good for me. I've told her this since day one. But even when the proof of how horrible of a person I am is slapping her in the face, she's still here. She's amazing, everyone knows this, and she's completely wasting her time and love on me. I don't know whether to say "thank you" or "sorry." I don't want to lose her, but no matter how "okay" we get, there will always be this wound, itching and oozing. I love her so much and I can't see her not being in my life. It's hard to even think about my life before I met her. It feels like a different person's memories dancing about in my head. I need to do everything in my power to make sure she never hurts that bad again. It's gonna be tougher now, but she's worth it.

I wish I was worth it...

Which brings me to my next suitcase of whininess. 25 is creepin round my back stairs. And at this quarter-century, I am, for all intents and purposes, a complete fucking loser. I'm not where I thought I'd be at 25. I'm still not even at where I thought I'd be at 20. I'm working at a debt collection agency. I'm such a pussy I couldn't cut it as a collector so now I'm a secretary, copying and faxing and typing, all while wearing slacks and shirts with buttons FUCKING BUTTONS!!! I shirk responsibility and flake out on all my friends. Hell, if you've ever wronged me in the slightest, I'll probably never speak to you again. I'm always broke; I've got debt collectors sniffing out my penniless corpse; and any sliver of ambition I've had has taken a back seat to Rock Band and Carlo Rossi sangria. There was a time not so long ago when I couldn't think of anything I wanted to go back in time and do differently. Nowadays, I long for so many takebacks, I wish I could just reboot the Steven Operating System (S.O.S.) and baby it up again. I fucked school up. I fucked my career up. I fucked my financial future up. I'm fucking my love life up. How many fuck ups does it take to turn a person from just "fucking up" to being a "fuck up?"

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that's been 16 years in the making. Best case scenario, he gives me magical superpills that turn my life completely around, make me motivated, focused, smarter, thinner, and good at drawing (not to mention skateboarding, guitar, lovemaking, and cooking). ...but I'll settle with helping me take a step in the right direction, a new direction...a nude erection.

OH THAT TOO! I CAN'T NOT TURN ANYTHING INTO SOME SORT OF JUVENILE SICK JOKE, LET ALONE TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY WITHOUT BEING A MEAN, RUDE, SILLY RETARD JACKASS!

These strips were written by me and drawn by one of my new PDX buddies, Pete at our newly formed Drink N' Draw nights. It's explosive vomit-inducing how fast he can whip these out...

Last one about the cat for awhile, I SWEARS IT!!!