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Chee Watanabe

Last Updated: 11/17/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 22
Sign: Taurus

City: Tokyo
State: 東京都
Country: JP

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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Reflection
Current mood:

indescribable

I love you.

The memories of the past few weeks still linger his body and are still soaked in his hair. He doesn't feel the need to cleanse himself because he feels as if it's not the right time yet, no matter what anyone says. He doesn't want to wash away what people has made him feel and what he has made them feel. Bathing yourself is such a sacred practice representing renewal and forgiveness of one's sins, but he doesn't want to be renewed and he is not caked in sins but rather is covered in the beauty of memories of others.

It just isn't right to wash it all away, he thinks. He won't ever experience and feel such beauty ever again, why would he want them to run down the drain? It was the only place where he felt at home. He doesn't feel those feelings as he lays in bed; his bed might be one of the most comfortable places on earth but it's like when you stay at a hotel, it's nice but it doesn't hold any value nor will it ever, not the same kind anyways.

He takes a look into the world and notices how the gray sky and the raindrops seem to reflect how he is feeling at that very moment. He's afraid he can't ever express himself the same again. He's afraid he can't even meet people like them again. He's afraid the world had just ended for him.

I can't move on, he says. There's so much acid and junk around me, it immobilizes me and tortures me. It haunts me and mocks me, telling me it's the end and no matter how far he travels across the ocean, he will never find the treasures he once found before because all that lies across the ocean is more ocean and a sudden drop off. A bottomless pit that leads to nowhere, a limbo that keeps you trapped in a box where you can't move and numbs you so you can not feel. It does let you feel when you crash into other boxes though, it also shines some light on you as if you were about to find something amazing but then turns the light right back off and laughs in your face.

As he imagines falling through limbo and crashing into other people constricted in their boxes, he is interrupted by his little sister waking up from her nap. He is then reminded that he must move on even if he doesn't want to. There are other factors that influence his destiny even though he wishes they weren't.

But still, all of his responsibilities and those determining factors are so easily pushed away. The emotions from the past four summers are too overwhelming to just let a simple chore take it all over.

His first summer was so unexpected and unintentionally life-changing. He remembers how he felt love the first time. Not the truest of love, but love nonetheless. The first two weeks were like reading an amazing book, you couldn't wait to flip to the next page and when there was only one page left, you wished there was more to read. But looking back now, I realized those chapters talked about someone who I felt was very dear to me but in truth was a false character. He still is covered in lies and deception. But no matter, the feelings being felt were still truthful and amazing. In the end of the summer, he felt a change had occurred. It might have been seen as negative to others but to him, it was as if he was born again.

His second summer came with more unexpected events. One boy and one man came a long and changed him forever, again. Damn change, he thought. He just couldn't stop changing. He welcomed change, but it was usually for the better most of the time, but it was so exhausting at times. He developed feelings for someone but ultimately gave it up and would ruin his chances forever with the boy for a friend. With the man, his feelings also developed but at a quicker and more intense rate than ever, but it was the first time he would feel something like that. He even expressed those feelings but the only place those feelings ended up was out his mouth.

His third summer, the boy was back again. And it seemed as if his chances were brought to the table again. He was taken on a roller coaster ride, another one anyways. It was when they were up in a tree, that was the only time he would end up regretting. If I would have just taken the initiation, he wonders what would have happened.

And yet again, so many unexpected people showed up his fourth and final summer. So many truly amazing people. It was so hard for him to get as close as he wanted to with all the people he wanted to get close to. It wasn't enough time because they all came at once. It also was hard because he didn't have anyone to look up to, it was everyone else looking up to him. It was hard to leave them, his family. Leaving his little brothers, leaving his little sisters, it was hard but he had to do it.

---

I really do love all of you guys. Even if some were more annoying than others. It's really hard to tell certain individuals how I really feel about them because there's so many, but I really love you.

I told you this once before, but remember, be yourself. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you're a 10! Nothing less. When I was giving my speech at the banquet, I was really exposing myself to you even though it was very frightening. I'm not telling you to pour your heart and soul out 24/7, but be yourself whenever you can because you all are fine the way you are.

I love you guys. I love you. I love you.

1:59 AM

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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Forever
Current mood:

confused

Can we just sit
and stare
into the distance?
So we can remember this moment
forever and
ever?

Can we never leave
this second, and make it
ours,
always?

Can we listen to
the clouds whisper
their way through
the sky
and reminisce about the time
when we told each other
our secrets?

Can we stay here,

forever?

12:58 AM

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Friday, December 07, 2007

Puke My Heart Out
Category: Writing and Poetry

I'm so sick
I can't take it
Someone just get it over with
Someone shove their hand down my throat
And rip my heart out

Take it out and slice it in half
One for you
The other for the other
Make her feel what I'm feeling

Vomit full of lactose and lipid
Stomach acid with the taste of
And a glass-full of blood to bring out your true colors

I want to puke my heart out
Pile it over your head
Ram it into your skull
Scream it into your system
And say

Fuck

This

10:52 PM

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Friday, October 19, 2007

A Haiku Entitled: Happiness
Current mood:

depressed
Category: Writing and Poetry

Happiness

Happiness that's forced
Is an evil deed itself
Happiness is natural

3:14 AM

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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Sleep. But before...
Current mood:

accomplished
Category: Blogging

I guess this blog is just about whatever is on my mind, so don't mind the random rambling :/

So. I'm a teen. Yes, I'm just realizing that. Kind of makes me sad. I always thought I was more mature. But nah, screw maturity. I guess this is my stage. Or maybe THIS, this blog, is my stage. UGH teenagers and their little stages. I really hope this isn't a stage of mine, but just an area of my life that still needs to learn.

    Do you (whoever is reading this) love your family? Or are you just living with them? Did you get your mothers a present because you love her? Or did you get her a present just because it was Mother's Day? My family is one of those families that doesn't tell each other that they love her. I guess we're just supposed to know it. How? I've never heard my family tell me they loved me. Or how much they were proud of me whenever I did anything. I've only heard them say, "Don't you know how much I love you?" I always think in my head, "No," because I really don't know how much they love me.

    Sure, I understand you are doing some of these things to protect me. But how am I supposed to live life in a cage? I'm sure my father didn't live in a cage through the Vietnam War. I want to go through these things. I'll live with the consequences. I want to be stronger. Living in a cage with you feeding me isn't going to help me, it's going to kill me.

    Sometimes my family makes me sad...they don't know me. No, I'm not going to rant about how they don't understand me blah blah blah I'm going to cut myself now. I'm never going to give up. They don't know me. They don't know why I'm like this. My friends are not the only ones to make me act like this. It's my family.

    They've made me realize if no one tells me how good I'm doing, I better do it myself. A little conceited? Oh well. I'd rather hear someone talking about how great they are (when they actually are) than someone complaining how they suck ass so much. I believe a high self esteem leads you to high places. I don't like people who complain about themselves. Even if whatever you complain about might be true, zip it. I think it's unattractive.

    I don't want to sound like...I don't know how to explain it really. I guess I don't want to sound ignorant or anything. So please, anyone who can help. Enlighten me.

    Recently I got my hair cut, and some of you know that getting my hair cut had caused a big rucus. I stayed out of the house for a day and did NOT want to go back home. My mind was determined to go away. I was done with them. I could handle them, but it took too much energy. Well, just this morning my mother had told me to cut my hair again, for it was too long. Has she not realized that I don't care? Has she not realized my father doesn't care? She definitely knows she can't make me do anything, only my father has that power. And does she not realize what kind of stress this is just causing her?

    I don't understand why she has to care so much. Don't say it's because she loves me. You cannot love someone just because of their hair. If I have to change for your love, then I don't need it. I'm perfectly fine without a mother's love, because I have love for myself. No matter how big my belly is getting or how pale my skin looks, yes, I LOVE myself.

    I am awesome. I don't care what you say. I'm awesome. I'm awesome. I'm awesome.

    The last paragraph had just reminded me of an Oprah show I saw a while ago, (yeah, Oprah's awesome too). It was about this girl who had lost over 100 lbs because her father didn't love her. He didn't love her, his own daughter, because she was FAT. I was waiting for Oprah to tell him that he should love her without her needing to change. She just told him how proud she was that he was so "truthful".

    I wanted to spit at the TV. She had to lose weight for her father's love? NO. You do not just love anyone because they lose weight. She was his daughter. That love should've been there along with her weight.

    Yes, I do believe I've experienced loved. I love my friends. And that's all. I TRULY love my friends. It's not a love where you just say it, because everyone else does. I really love them. I've never felt a connection stronger. Ugh, I'm sorry this sounds kinda cliche or w/e maybe. Or how it doesn't like I'm describing love for my friends. It's just, I love my friends. (and I'm also really sorry it's starting to sound gay...man, my self esteem is lowering. I'M AWESOME I'M AWESOME I'M AWESOME)

    Alright, I would rant about more, but I need sleep. I applaud whoever read this far<3 *clap clap*

-G'night