It feels like Im back in the 10th grade. Im all insecure and unsure of absolutely everything. Got that nice rock in the stomach feeling most days.

It doesnt even make sense. At least back then I had something to complain about. Now its just like life has turned gray. Theres no color to remind me that life is beautiful. Everything is just a giant blur, a streak, a mass of whites and blacks that mix into some hodgepodge version of Starry Night. Its kinda terrifying.

I remember sitting in my room (in the tenth grade) and listening to Simple and Clean. I had the same CD player I have now. I would just lie there and listen to the same songs over and over again. Simple and Clean, Stuck in the Middle With You, Sara, Sweet Child of Mine...I cant remember the rest.  But the point is that such things stick with me. Its hard for me to let things go. Listening to this damn song makes me tear up and remember such stupid shit.

Nothings like before. Thats the scary part. Moving forward is a strange thing. Gotta be tough though. Thats whats expected of all of us. To move forward as if the limits to our abilities, our strenght, our breaking point, did not exist. Times a fickle mistress.

Its been a bad week. I apologize.

Family is the number one thing to a lot of people. They have theirr parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, and what not surrounding them all the time. Which is awesome! It's very important to be with people you love.

I have a bunch of friends, and each one is very important to me, but I am fucking amazingly blessed (or cursed...whatever =]) with the brotherhood of three individuals who make my life so much better. Only one is blood, but I consider the other two no less than him. Family is more than bloodlines, afterall.

Kloud is my only true sibling. He's about 5 years younger than me, and a pain in the ass. We've shot arrows at each other on 4-wheelers,  fell off grapevines together, won races together, attacked each other with vicious intent, and spent days together just being brother and sister. He's turned out a lot better than I imagined he would considering our parents...they're shit, we'll just leave it at that...and Im very proud of the man he's becoming.

Ernest and Kevin are my brothers by choice and fate. They've each helped me through so damn much. Ernest listened to me cry for hours and held me when there was no one else around. He kept my head above water and saved my life. We're constant rivals and constantly picking at each other, but cross either of us and the other will be on you in a flat second. He's my protector, my confidant, and the one person thats seen me break in two.
Kevin knows so much about me it's ridiculous. We're mentally linked and have known each other for years longer than it seems. He's the over protective big brother that will knock you flat for looking at me wrong. He keeps me in line and tells me when Im being dumb. He humors me a lot too, though. Hes my partner in crime, in business, and my schemer.

I love them each with all that I am and would kill over them. There aren't many people in this world who would stand by me when Im retarded, but they do. They are my family, and they are the best I could ever hope to have. To Puddin and Muffin...I never say it enough b/c...well, we dont such gay things....but I love you both to death and dont know what I'd do without you. Don't ever leave me because I can't take over the world without you! I need someone to throw me out of backpacks!!!

Okay...Im done talking about 'em now. Thanks for reading!!!!!!!

So I guess we could follow in Jimmah's footsteps and do a sweet little update here...all the latest blogs I have are a bunch of emo bullshit, so I thought it was time to write something happy =]

First off, the love of my life is no longer around. On October 19th (ish) some retarded, horrible, weak bitch and her prick of a boyfriend were arguing in their car. They lost control and SLAMMED right into my Mustang. lol....yes the love of my life is my car. They totalled the damn thing..with literally OVER 9,000 worth of damage. I could have cried my eyes out. So I spent a few months with Kevin hauling my ass around, for which I am sooo grateful, and have now comondeered a lovely 95 Nissan Pathfinder.

(Everyone makes it a point to let me know I'm driving something that's 3 times the size of every other vehicle Ive had. I cant help it if Im LB....it happens)

So that's all good and well. I'm going to keep that lovely beast around til summer and then I've got my eye on a few new toys. You know me. I cant go without my muscle for long. I need some ponies beneath me.

On another note, Catpaw is still alive. We're no longer having shows down at WoW, but we are finding bands and venues for future endeavors. We're planning on having a HUGE two day festival in the late spring/early summer. So keep your ears open for that!!!

Team Queen Street are all alive, if not sane. lol. We're still raising hell and having fun. Planning things, plotting things, schemeing. Its what we do. Baby cat is still a baby cat and cuts mad cat farts all over the place. Its gross....really.

Still at Pizza Hut...still hating it....still not getting the ambition to leave until I know it wont interfer with Catpaw. I would rather work a job I hate and have time to do what I love, than do something else and have it cut into my time.



Okay so I guess that's about it. I dont really know what else to say...so....

LATER LOVELIES!!!

<3

Alright so heres the deal. Ive been hit with a literal shit ton of hell lately and in order to get it off my mind/chest Im gonna post a nice little bitch fit here. If you dont want to hear about it then quit reading right now.

Im a fucking crazy asshole. I dye my hair a lot, I run around and act foolish 95% of the fucking time, and Im a constant contradiction. I love cars and make-up. I listen to metal and techno. I love fighting games, Warcraft, wrestling, and cosplay. I like my boots and blue jeans.
Im not some sponge that just pretends to like things to fit in. I like what I like. And yea, its a lot of stuff. I can get along with just about anyone, because I honestly like just about everything. If I dont like it Ill tell ya. Simple as that. So dont think that just because I can talk about video games one minute and doing girl dreads the next it makes me a fucking fake.

If you dont like me, then dont talk to me. Dont judge me on a fucking costume. Apparently dressing like a succubus for FUCKING HALLOWEEN is an automatic ticket to slut town around here. Shes a fucking video game character and shes a badass. Yea the costume was skimpy. Yea it was nothing you would normally see me, but so fucking what? Its HALLOWEEN! I dont plan on trotting around Mount Sterling my fucking panties. This was at a private party with FRIENDS who made no advances on me, and who appreciated the costume for what it was. It doesnt mean Im out bending over for random assholes. Get your shit straight dickheads.

I have yet to meet any guy that can keep me interested long enough to actually accomplish something. I have yet to meet anyone that can handle every part of me. That can accept it all, that can love me for it. I dont know if there is anyone out there that can, and right now I dont give a fuck.

Furthemore....fuck insurance companies, fuck heat, fuck aggrivation and inconvienece, fuck love and feeling that hopless need for someone. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone wrote something pretty interesting in my truth box that got me to thinking. They said I'm not as strong as I like to let on...which is completely true. I'm not the little hard ass I put out there all the time. I try my damnedest to be, but I have my moments of weakness like everyone else. Im super protective of myself, and am very afraid of people leaving me. So I tend to shut them out before they do...which is fucking stupid. Ive come to realize that not everyone in life is going to walk out on me. Not everyone is going to hate me, and turn against me, and one day I will find someone who will love and accept everything about me, and be the happiest little shit for the rest of my LIFE!

Im not the prettiest girl around. Im not the smartest, the most wealthy, or even the most badass. Im just me. I love cars, video games, dancing, horror movies, music, and just being happy all the damn time. I love putting up a fight when someone tries to tickle or cuddle me, but I love the attention. Ill squirm away to play around, but Ill come right back for more. Im a closet cuddler, and a closet romantic. I may not know everything about me, or what I want in life, but I know the important things.

I also know that Ive done a lot of people pretty shady. Ive cut them out of my life simply because I couldnt deal with situations at the time. Which is pretty pathetic. Ive been trying to amend those broken bridges, or at least let these people know that I am truley sorry for what I did. My friends are all I have and I would die for them.

Long story short....this was just heavy on my mind and I wanted to get it off. Much love cats and kittens!

Damn right motherfuckers.

Everyone has days were they feel down. I usually dont get them but today seems to heading in that direction. I dont really know what my deal is or why Ive got this dumbass tight feeling in my chest, but its lame and I just want it to go away.
Have you ever been surrounded by people, people that genuinely give a shit about you, and still felt completely alone? I know I have the best family in the world under the same damn roof as me, but I still feel like Im fighting whatever battle this is alone. Theres someone I want to talk to and cant (and no its not Ricky damn it. That bridge has been crossed, Thank God!). There are people that love me and think Im great. Fuck they tell me constantly, but I cant believe them for some reason. I feel useless and weak and like I let people down constantly.
Not to mention the fact that Im usually aggrivated as hell. I felt myself getting super pissed off last night for no reason. I dont get it! And I feel the trust I have for people slipping away.
I know this is an emo, woeful, stupid blog, but I had to write it down or I would explode. I dont expect anyone to go "OMG, are you okay!?!?". Honestly this isnt looking for a pity party or any of that bullshit. Its just a release. Now Im gonna take a shower and hang flyers and try to avoid jail time.
Much love guys
-S

So as some of you know Ive been working on all kinds of crazy ass costume ideas this year. Kevin and I have done a few photoshoots but its just the tip of the iceberg as far as Im concerned. I love the zombie school girl one, and the gypsy one was great fun.
We've got a "Mob Boss" shoot in the works, as well as one for Cat Paw that involves a few guitars. HOWEVER the two costumes that Im looking forward to the most are fucking Mileena from Mortal Kombat and my Femme Boba Fett Ive got in the works. Im so fucking jazzed about those!
I know Im doing Mileena for halloween, but the Femme Fett is gonna take a while. I want to make the armor out of metal over leather so its gonna be difficult to get worked. Especially since Im molding and fashioning it all myself! Its going to be excellent though so keep an eye out for pics!
Much love to ya, and sorry for letting my geek side take over for a night!
Sara J <3