Because I'm attempting to get my son's mind college bound and oriented for business, I have to make my mind the same way, because I lead by example.

I've had such a long run at LBCC, beginning from the time my son was ten months old, he's going to be sixteen next month.  We used to call him the community baby because all of my friends would watch him while I went to class, taking Business Law and Human Sexuality... remember that Christina???  Trina too.  LoL.  Trina and I would stay on the bus and head straight to the mall on some days.

Going to school and raising a child at the same time has been difficult, but I've managed.  Mostly, he's a good kid, he canread... so I'm proud of that, but I want him to leave his name on the world in a positive way, so that others may read about him even when he is gone.  Going to school, getting an education, and being intelligent are all things that are important to me... okay well, I don't really like school, but having paper means making paper.

I have a plan, it just gets modified a lot.  Let's just say it like this:  Which one of our favorite American composer's was a D average student?  And I'm not even that, although, that's the only grade I could ever seem to get in musicianship.  LoL.

Anyway, I'm still in the process, it's sloooooooooooowwwwww... it's been sixteen years in the making, and I still have more to do.  BUT I only have one more semester at LBCC!!  Yes, I will be complete... for real, for real, and moving on.  I'm SOOOOOOOO happy!  LoL.  I wonder if I can walk again??????

I will be one year into University life by the time my son gets there... that's all the time I need to make it look fun.  LoL.  Plus I need to go network.  ;-)

The point of this whole thing was because I was viewing my "unofficial transcripts," and it thought about how my grades mirrored my life.  Starting with young mother, when P left, and until now.  There's one more chapter.  I want EVERYONE to know about me, so here are my stats (with commentary... this goes out to my LBCC lifers.  ;-} ):



Unofficial Transcript
 
 
Long Beach City College
 
4901 East Carson Street
 
Long Beach, CA 90808
 
United States
 
Name      :  Shalena Hood
 
Student ID: 
 
Birthdate :  1976-06-21
 
Print Date   :  2009-10-26
 
                  - - - - -   Academic Program History   - - - - -
 
Program     :  Undergraduate
 
               1984-01-01 : Undecided Plan Concentration  (What?)
 

 
              - - - - -   Beginning of Undergraduate Record   - - - - -
 
                                      1994 Fall
 
HIST       27       Hist/Afro-American                         0.00 W (writing the new history)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D3
 
INDIS      10       Human Sexuality                   3.00     0.00 F (can you believe it??)
 
     Repeated     : 05 Course Repeat (Grade not Counted)
 
LAW        18A      Business Law                               0.00 W (this would've been useful)
 
         TERM GPA :     0.000      TERM TOTALS :      0.00     0.00          0.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     0.000      CUM  TOTALS :      0.00     0.00          0.000 (didn't try hard enough)
 

 
                                     1996 Spring
 
HIST       27       Hist/Afro-American                3.00     0.00 F (I guess I still didn't like it)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D3
 
         TERM GPA :     0.000      TERM TOTALS :      3.00     0.00          0.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     0.000      CUM  TOTALS :      3.00     0.00          0.000 (still not trying hard enough)
 

 
                                      1996 Fall
 
ENGL        1       Read & Composition                         0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : A2
 
MATH      110       1St Course Algebra                         0.00 W
 
PSYCH       1       Intro To Psychology               3.00     0.00 F
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D9
 
     Repeated     : 05 Course Repeat (Grade not Counted)
 
         TERM GPA :     0.000      TERM TOTALS :      0.00     0.00          0.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     0.000      CUM  TOTALS :      3.00     0.00          0.000 ("Just raise the baby." Decided to go to cosmetology school)
 
                    Progress Probation 1
 

 
                                      2002 Fall
 
MUSIC       7AB     Elementary Voice                  2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      51A      Beginning Piano 1                 2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      84AD     Commercial Songwrit               2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      97AD     Tools Music Trade                 2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
PEPF        5AD     Dance Aerobics                    0.50     0.50 A        2.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      8.50     8.50         34.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.957      CUM  TOTALS :     11.50     8.50         34.000 (and voila! I have work to do)
 
                    Progress Probation 2
 

 
                                     2003 Spring
 
COUNS       1       ORIENT FOR COLL SUC                        0.50 CR
 
     Notes        : Grade Changed
 
HIST       10       HIST/EARLY AMERICA                3.00     3.00 C        6.000 (lazy, slacker... just some keywords)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : G1
 
HLED        2       INTRO TO HEALTH ED                2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
MUSIC       1       MUSIC THEORY                      3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
MUSIC       5AD     MUSICIANSHIP 1                    2.00     2.00 D        2.000 Musicianshit.
 
MUSIC       8AD     ADVANCED VOICE                    2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC VIKING CHORALE               1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      17AD     APPLIED MUSIC                     1.00     1.00 B        3.000
 
MUSIC      51B      BEGINNING PIANO 2                 2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
PEPF        5AD     DANCE AEROBICS                    0.50     0.50 A        2.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
         TERM GPA :     3.212      TERM TOTALS :     16.50    17.00         53.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.107      CUM  TOTALS :     28.00    25.50         87.000 (Look at my GPA now!!! LoL.)
 

 
                                     2003 Summer
 
PSYCH      10       HUMAN SEXUALITY                   3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
     Repeated     : 06 Course Repeat (Grade Counted) (I even repeat classes in the summer. :-/)
 
SP         10       ELEM/PUBLIC SPEAKIN               3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : A1
 
SP         60       ARGUMENT & DEBATE                 3.00     3.00 C        6.000 (one slacker class per semester)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : X2
 
         TERM GPA :     2.667      TERM TOTALS :      9.00     9.00         24.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.000      CUM  TOTALS :     37.00    34.50        111.000
 

 
                                      2003 Fall
 
LEARN      11       College Learnig Skill Workshop             2.00 CR
 
MUSIC       2       Music Theory                      3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
MUSIC       8AD     Advanced Voice                    2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC       9AD     Musicianship 2                    2.00     2.00 D        2.000
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC Viking Chorale               1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      42AD     Prof Advanced Vocal Ensembles     1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      91AD     Special Studies                   2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      92AD     Applied Vocal&Instrumental Mus    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
POLSC       1       Introduction to Government        3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : G2
 
PSYCH       1       Introduction to Psychology        3.00     3.00 B        9.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D9
 
     Repeated     : 06 Course Repeat (Grade Counted)
 
         TERM GPA :     2.833      TERM TOTALS :     18.00    20.00         51.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.945      CUM  TOTALS :     55.00    54.50        162.000 (WHO??? takes NINE classes in one semester????)
 

 
                                     2004 Spring
 
MATH      110       1st Course in Algebra                      0.00 W (I had to slow it down)
 
MUSIC       4       Music Theory 3                    3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
MUSIC       5AD     Musicianship                      2.00     2.00 B        6.000
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC Viking Chorale               1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      74AD     Commercial Solo Voice             2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      92AD     Applied Vocal&Instrumental Mus    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
SPAN        1       Elementary Spanish                5.00     5.00 A       20.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C2
 
         TERM GPA :     3.857      TERM TOTALS :     14.00    14.00         54.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.130      CUM  TOTALS :     69.00    68.50        216.000
 
                    Dean's Distinction (...it was ALL worth it. :-))
 

 
                                     2004 Summer
 
MATH      110       1st Course in Algebra             4.00     4.00 B       12.000
 
MUSIC      91AD     Special Studies                   2.00     2.00 B        6.000
 
         TERM GPA :     3.000      TERM TOTALS :      6.00     6.00         18.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.120      CUM  TOTALS :     75.00    74.50        234.000
 

 
                                      2004 Fall
 
ENGL      105       Fundamentals of Writing           4.00     4.00 A       16.000
 
MATH      130       Intermediate Algebra                       0.00 W (I REALLY don't like math...)
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC Viking Chorale               1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      30A      Music Hist Antiquty to 1800       3.00     3.00 B        9.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C1
 
MUSIC      40       Appreciation of Music             3.00     3.00 B        9.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C1
 
MUSIC      91AD     Special Studies                   2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      92AD     Applied Vocal&Instrumental Mus    1.00     1.00 B        3.000
 
SOCIO       1       Introduction to Sociology         3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D0
 
         TERM GPA :     3.235      TERM TOTALS :     17.00    17.00         55.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.141      CUM  TOTALS :     92.00    91.50        289.000
 

 
                                     2005 Spring
 
ANTHR      10       Magic, Witchcraft and Religion    3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : D1
 
BIO        41       Contemprary Biology               3.00     3.00 C        6.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B2
 
BIO        41L      Contemporary Biology Lab          1.00     1.00 B        3.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B3
 
ENGL        1       Reading & Composition                      0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : A2
 
MATH       45       College Algebra                   3.00     0.00 F
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B4
 
     Repeated     : 05 Course Repeat (Grade not Counted)
 
MUSIC      10AD     Musicianship 3                             0.00 W
 
MUSIC      20AD     LBCC Southland Chorale            1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      30B      Music History and  Literature     3.00     3.00 B        9.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C1
 
MUSIC      42AD     Prof Advanced Vocal Ensembles     1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      92AD     Applied Vocal&Instrumental Mus    1.00     1.00 C        2.000
 
MUSIC      91AD     Special Studies                   2.00     2.00 A        8.000 (ELEVEN COURSES!!! My ass is psycho...  LoL)
 
         TERM GPA :     2.800      TERM TOTALS :     15.00    15.00         42.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.093      CUM  TOTALS :    107.00   106.50        331.000 (Oh yeah... I graduated)
 

 
                                     2005 Summer
 
CBIS      206A      Navigating the Internet           1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      1.00     1.00          4.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.102      CUM  TOTALS :    108.00   107.50        335.000
 

 
                                      2005 Fall
 
MATH      130       Intermediate Algebra              4.00     4.00 C        8.000
 
MUSIC       9AD     Musicianship 2                    2.00     2.00 D        2.000
 
     Notes        : Grade Changed
 
MUSIC      11AD     LBCC Viking Chorale               1.00     0.00 A
 
     Repeated     : 03 Illegal Repeat (Grade/Units Denied)
 
MUSIC      20AD     LBCC Southland Chorale            1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      74AD     Commercial Solo Voice             2.00     2.00 A        8.000
 
MUSIC      78AD     Studio Singers                    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      21AD     LBCC Viking Women's Choir         1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     2.727      TERM TOTALS :     11.00    11.00         30.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.067      CUM  TOTALS :    119.00   118.50        365.000
 

 
                                     2006 Spring
 
ASTR        1       Elementary Astronomy                       0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B1
 
ENGL        1       Reading & Composition             3.00     3.00 D        3.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : A2
 
MATH       45       College Algebra                            0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B4
 
MUSIC      10AD     Musicianship 3                             0.00 W
 
MUSIC      20AD     LBCC Southland Chorale                     1.00 CR
 
MUSIC      78AD     Studio Singers                    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
PEPF        5AD     Dance Aerobics                             0.00 W
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : E
 
         TERM GPA :     1.750      TERM TOTALS :      4.00     5.00          7.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.024      CUM  TOTALS :    123.00   123.50        372.000 (I think this was when P left)
 

 
                                     2006 Summer
 
ART        35AD     Jewelry/Metalsmithing 1                    0.00 W
 
ART        15       Beginning Drawing                 3.00     0.00 F
 
         TERM GPA :     0.000      TERM TOTALS :      3.00     0.00          0.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.952      CUM  TOTALS :    126.00   123.50        372.000
 

 
                                      2006 Fall
 
MUSIC      78AD     Studio Singers                    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      1.00     1.00          4.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.961      CUM  TOTALS :    127.00   124.50        376.000
 

 
                                     2007 Spring
 
MUSIC      20AD     LBCC Southland Chorale                     1.00 CR
 
MUSIC      42AD     Prof Advanced Vocal Ensembles     1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
MUSIC      78AD     Studio Singers                    1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      2.00     3.00          8.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     2.977      CUM  TOTALS :    129.00   127.50        384.000
 

 
                                     2009 Spring
 
ART        23       Beginning Painting                3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
ENGL       26       Creative Writing 1                         3.00 CR <--why I didn't have to do as much work as everyone else. ;-)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C2
 
MUSIC      50AD     Perform Showcase Ensemb Wrksh     1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
TART        1       Acting 1-Intro to Acting          3.00     3.00 A       12.000
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : C1
 
TART       51AD     Theatre Forum                     0.50     0.50 A        2.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      7.50    10.50         30.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.033      CUM  TOTALS :    136.50   138.00        414.000 (after all is said and done, I'm STILL weighing in with a B average.)
 

 
                                     2009 Summer
 
MATH       45       College Algebra                   4.00     4.00 A       16.000 (AND I passed math WITH an A!!)
 
    REQ DESIGNATION : B4
 
     Repeated     : 06 Course Repeat (Grade Counted)
 
MUSIC      80AD     City Jazz Big Band                1.00     1.00 A        4.000
 
         TERM GPA :     4.000      TERM TOTALS :      5.00     5.00         20.000
 

 
         CUM  GPA :     3.067      CUM  TOTALS :    141.50   143.00        434.000
 
Undergraduate Career Totals
 
         CUM  GPA :     3.067      CUM  TOTALS :    141.50   143.00        434.000
 
                    - - - - -   Non-Course Milestones   - - - - -
 
Certificate of Accomplishment - Applied Music Instructor <--The paper says I can do it... so bite me.
 
    Milestone Status: Not Completed <---This is why I'm STILL there... that's all.
 
            12/2004
Unofficial Transcript


I'm proud of myself after reviewing this.  Not that I didn't already know what I'm capable of, seeing it in writing puts it into perspective.

Anyway, I'm tired... gonna go try to make some red velvet cupcakes.  Yum.

Latas, hatas...

The two games that I need to be playing right now are Bejeweled Blitz and Mobsters.  Perhaps YoVille as well, since I'm trying to connect/reconnect.  Bejeweled Blitz gets my brain into sorting/organizing and think fast mode, I try to make sure I'm at or above the $150,00 per week.  Mobsters gives me that "ride or die" attitude... something that I need right now.  My class on Mobster is "Mogul," that's about right, my income is $3,000,000 per hour, and I up until about ten minutes ago, I had under a hundred mob members.  My stats are pretty impressive for the size of my mob... all that let's me know is that I can do it all by myself.

Anyway, since I've laid my foundation, now it's time to start building my empire.  I've never been more serious about anything in my life.  I'm taking into consideration who people are to me.  I want everyone to come to terms with who they think I am right now, because I refuse to carry around anybody's negative baggage.  It's not going to happen.  If you don't like me... STEP!  Everyone is fooled... thinking that I'm desperate for friends.  I'm not, I'm figuring out who I'm taking with me on my journey and which people I will cut loose.  Some of the cuts will be hurtful, but I'll get over it,  I'm not the one severing the ties.  I need to find out who I can trust, who's gonna be down for me... as I have been for them, and who would put a knife in my back at the first moment they received.

I'm not tolerating anyone not mentally strong enough to handle the whispers, because where I'm going, they don't whisper.  That's why I'm here, in L.A., to regain my strength, while maintaining my dignity. 

I just remembered... I have no respect for the weak (Mobsters mentality).  Long Beach refined my rough edge, but I let myself get too soft.  I have so much to get off of my chest.  BLAH.  I see things clearly, I know where I'm going.  I don't want to find myself surrounded by disbelievers when I get there, those people turn into, if they aren't already, haters... backstabbers.  I need to know how to sort and organize the people in my life, everyone needs to go into a category, and I need to find out where people belong in my life, if at all.  I'm usually looking for people to fit into the family category, but half of the time, I don't even want family in the family category.  LoL.  I have friends, I think, but I'm finding that out right now.  I need to know, because when it comes down to it, I've already given people what I have to offer... my love and support, and some get it far beyond the scope of what others are given. 

I think I just lost another one.  The friend that I stayed with for two months, whose daughter I helped heal when she was sick, whose food I would buy just because she's a single mother with two children... oh, it's emotional, don't misunderstand, but it doesn't make or break me.  Clearly, I've ever only been her hairstylist, not her friend... sooooo.  LoL.  Yeah, it's emotional because, I've only ever served my purpose, and then when I learn that I've served my purpose for someone who doesn't even appreciate it, well I just kinda feel let down.  I guess that part that I did wasn't good enough. 

This reminds me of the other friend who let me down a couple of months ago at her daughter's party.  Same thing, me serving my purpose, helping her with food her children, spent $1,000 on her now 5yr old daughter's baby shower, other things that need not be mentioned... she didn't need my help with anything financial, she has a big family who support one another.  She turned on me too.  Whatever.  These are people that I met in Long Beach, not that that has everything to do with it, but I can't discount the Long Beach part.

This is why I always say I don't have any friends.  Did I go far off topic???  I can't tell anymore.  My mentality has changed... I LOVE those!!  Right now, all I can think about is my mogul status.  I'm not really looking for fame, that'll come by default... that's why all of the alias.  I do a lot for people, some who don't even know my real name, but that's how you know.  "Ain't nobody raised no fool up ova here."

It isn't just me and the people that I want/don't want in my life that are being tested, the whole world is being tested.  No, I don't believe that the world is coming to an end, but the world as we know it, is ending.  The way to get into the new society is by charitable works... and not for show, or for the belief that you'll end up in a better place in the next life, but because you end up in a better place in this life, within yourself.  I think I say this all the time, but no one listens.  I lose my voice when no one listens, it's all good though, I'm not going to lose me.  This stuff is in the Bible, there are just tons of people misinterpreting it.  It's really pretty basic, but as I've been finding out lately, people are dumb.

Anyway, I've cried and now I'm letting it go.  I have no time to worry about people, I'm now trying to concern myself with making my money.  This gonna be so much fun.

I'm out SLITCHES!!

Sometimes I just get so fed up with all these negative people surrounding me.  I can't grocery shop in peace for people spewing their negativity at me.  I'm like, "really, how old do have to be before you get a clue??"  My grandmother has been here since she was nine years old, she's seventy-five now, and I'm not sure if she gets it yet, so I don't know...

I can feel the negativity seeping its way into me.  At first I would never say anything to people who talked shit to me, and I'd still carry it with me, but now, I have words of my own.  I just feel like I'm turning into one of them... someone who is negative, someone who is so unhappy with herself that she resorts to trying to make other people unhappy as well.  I'm actually good at talking shit... too good.  It isn't fun to me anymore, but I'm not going to hold my tongue anymore either.

Anyway, this is too much energy given to it, but I had to get it out of my system.

Latas.

...that all that paper, i.e. diplomas, certificates, and awards... translates to paper, as in dollars.  It's time to put it all to use.

...it's been difficult because I've always considered myself a part of the "Loner Collective," I would just rather be alone... or have perhaps, one or two, really close friends who understand that I really just want to be left alone, except for when I don't.

Mostly, I'm not needy.  I'm usually trying to get people to work together as a team so that everyone can benefit.  I'm not afraid to be a group leader, but you can only lead horses to water...  As much as I love telling people what they can do to ameliorate themselves, it's time for me to focus on me.

It's test time, for everybody.  It's time to re-evaluate how I fit into people's lives, and how I allow people to fit into mine, as well.  I've spent soooo much time trying to be a help to everyone I know, in some way or another, that I've forgotten to help myself.  I've finally been gifted with the help that I need to help make me a success... so if y'all don't mind, I would like to spend time worrying about that, rather than what other people are doing.  However, I'm not egocentric, merely eccentric, and I hope you understand.

I've been having such a difficult time keeping it to myself... I swear, but when you don't really have anyone to talk to...  LoL.  I've resorted to using good old fashioned pen and paper.  I use it as a business journal. 

I had so many frustrations piled on me all in one day, the other day, that I nearly broke down, well I did, but I recovered... and now I'm good.  Nothing, as usual, went my way.  I ended up walking up the hill to get home because I didn't have busfare to get back (that's another misadventure in itself)... and let me tell you, that heffa is arduous.  I nearly broke down in tears half way up, and since I don't really know all of the streets here, I didn't know which way I was supposed to go.  Fortunately, I have a GREAT sense of direction.  I didn't turn down any streets that would have caused me to walk any farther than I already had to. 

I was proud of myself, I didn't give up.  Anyway, who would I have called to come get me from down the street from my house?  Uhmmm... no one.  When I was in the midst of my breakdown, some guy jogged by.  I was encouraged to not give up, and anyway, what was I going to do... spend the night on the sidewalk in front of someone's house because I was too lazy to walk up a hill?  Uhmmmm... no.  I just think of it as exercise, my ass look great for a reason.

The thing that pissed me off the most this week was that everywhere I went, people kept treating my like I couldn't fill out a fucking application.  At first I thought it was me, but at some point, it occurred to me that this is what society is becoming.  The new generation is too caught up in text to even know how to read, and the generation when my parents grew up, left scars that we all are trying to overcome. 

I want my son to not only learn to read, but learn to read in other languages.  I want him to learn value and self-worth, they don't teach those things in school.  I want my son to lead his generation, not follow it... because y'all are kinda slow.  This goes for my niece as well.  As a matter of fact, this goes to everyone I know.  And we all should know that there isn't one single person on this planet with perfect wiring because it's all subjective.

Anywho... I'm in a good place.  The Holidays are coming, and for the first time in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to them.  I'm with my real family, not the extend family I've created with all of my friends.  They annoy me, but... truthfully, sometimes it just feels good to reconnect.

The End.

P.S.  If you have a problem with me, get over it, you aren't the only one.  LoL.

...still.  I am, for some reason, still not happy.  I know I say that I am.  I'm very grateful for everything that I've been given, but there's a difference between gratitude and happiness.

I have this HUGE void in me that I can't seem to fill.  I want to shop because I know that'll for sure make me happy... I don't even think it matters what I buy.  I feel like I"m lonelier than I've ever been in life... and I kinda just accept that that's the way things are supposed to be for me.  Why should I feel that way?  I'm not sure.

I know that I'm the type of person who says she wants people around, but in all actuality, not really.  I just get soooo tired of disappointment.  I always feel like I want to connect with people, but when I do, I always seem to be let down, so why even bother to begin with?

I'm ANNOYED!!!... out of my skull.  Something has to change... probably my mentality... again.  I have to go play Bejeweled Blitz so I can figure it out... or something.

I woke up early this morning and I went shopping.  First I bought a $34,000 car that I customized myself, then I a bought a vacation package to Nassau, got a teeth whitening certificate, a certificate to Dolce restaurant, tickets to a Renaissance fair in Texas, a remote controlled helicopter and plane, twelve bottles of wine (six red and six white), and a telescope.  Too bad it was all virtual.

Some of the items I can get, and plan on getting, hopefully this weekend... probably everything except for the car, the vacation package and the Texas thing... I sooooooooooooo need a car!!!!!  I need to try to start saving up for a down payment, or something.  My dad told me I need to find some sponsors, but who??  Anyone want to sponsor me for a down payment on my new car???  I'm not even asking for the entire amount of the car... just $5,000 for the down payment.

Anyway, I need to get it figured out.  I feel like I'm trapped here on this hill.  it means absolutely nothing to have luxuries if I don't have anyone to enjoy them with.  I haven't been swimming in my pool yet, I got in about halfway to my knee, but that's it.  It was seventy-five degrees out at 8:30am, I should have gotten in then.  Oh well.

Nothing special has really been going on with me.  I chill all day, I practice my guitar, write songs, and watch the birds.  Playing the guitar isn't as difficult as I initially thought, not playing chords at least.  I'm trying to learn... still.

I guess that's it for now.  My neck hurts, I slept on it wrong.  Blah.

Latas.

There are sooo many different types of birds, I suppose because there are so many types of trees, and they all have different songs.  Some of them even get close enough for me to admire.  They started coming out when I was painting the green landscaping, but I started getting sick to death of all of that green... none of which I could spend or smoke.

Anyway, life is good... still.

I don't guess it's never not going to be that way.  I'm strong though, even when I feel I'm not.  I'll endure.

I guess that's all that really needs to be said...

I have such a blessed life.  I almost don't even know what I did to deserve it, but really I do.  However, we won't discuss that. 

My dad had a party for his friends that he's know for fifty years, he's only fifty-three, so... these people knew me before I even knew me.  I cooked sooooo much food, it was like "Like Water For Chocolate," I had a mini breakdown when I peeled the potatoes, but everyone really enjoyed the food.  There were beef ribs and spare ribs.. that I seasoned two days prior, chicken, hot links, hamburgers, hot dogs, potato salad, green beans, roasted white corn on the cob, veggie and turkey beans, deviled eggs, pecan pie, apple pie, key lime pie, ice cream, and what I saved for last... red velvet cake.  They were calling me "Chef," since everyone watches "Hell's Kitchen."  I felt so honored, plus I put out my "2009 Kate Stephens Volunteer of the Year" award.  I felt like it was my party, well it was.  I've claimed the kitchen as my domain... officially.  This place has absolutely no furniture, but it is definitely a home.

All of my dad friends are musicians!!  We don't have furniture, but what we do have is a make-shift studio with two wireless mics, my favorite part, and many other, make-shift features.  They all work though... and well, I might add.  So we had a PARTY!!  Let me tell you the most exciting part about the whole night... I walked away with a new voice teacher.  YaY!!!  We had an accompanist playing songs for whoever wanted to sing, then my dad got on guitar... and guess what the hell we ended up singing???  "Unforgiveable."  I mean, I'm still petrified of performing in front of people, but when no other person in the room knew the song, or acted as though they didn't... I'm not sure, I yelled from the kitchen that I did.  So I felt like choir wasn't all for nothing.

I got something else out of it too.  Y'all know that I've always struggled with the decision of whether or not I want to be in school, but the accompanist guy, Steve, encouraged me to go for at least the B.A.  It was interesting because they all started out in music, but life has taken them all down different paths, some of them have stayed with the music, some of them have not, and the ones who didn't, said they regret it.  Remember, me going back in the first place was about me not wanting to feel the regret.  And I guess life happened so that I ended up with this semester off because I was doing things the same way, I guess, but I really wasn't about to go back to school, now I know I have to.

Anyway, I'm starting to get sick, I need to rest.  The pool is finally complete, and I am so trying to be in it... but after I heat it up.

I must've done something right in life because I'm a happy girl.  I'll go into details after tomorrow...

What is going on with me on this hot and sunny, Friday afternoon?  Not a damn thang.  Just the way I like it.  If I had some lemonade, I'd be sipping it.  As a matter of fact, I think I would put it on the list of things that I want my dad to get.  I thought I was going to hate living back at home, but I really don't.  I've only been here for about three weeks and we're already having a party.  I'm like "dang dad, can we get the house in order first?  But the people who are coming he's know for... ever.  I get excited because I'm reaching the twenty year mark with some of my friends, and he has friends that he's know for fifty years.  That is so funny.  Y'all already know how I feel about friendship.  And his friends are real... obviously. 

Anyway, the house is buzzing and the wind is blowing in my room, as if to compete with the fan.  One of his friends just brought the meat for the party.  There isn't enough room in the refrigerator for anything else because of all of the meat... oh yes, that I have to cook.  Well, I just have to marinade it.  I'm going to do that either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Things are getting done around here.  I figured out the secret to making things happen faster... throw a party.  LoL.  The swimming pool isn't green anymore, it isn't completely ready for skin contact, but at least the water isn't green.  YaY.  the men have been working around the yard, my dad asked me to rake some leaves, but I highly doubt that that'll be done by me. 

I'm excited!  We're having a party!!  I'ma take pictures...

...cuz y'all ain't knowing!!!  I called up SoCal Edison so that I can pay my final bill of $75.  You know what they told me???  That they owe me!!  So they're sending me a check for one hundred and something dollars.

AND the pool man just came by, my pond shall no longer be a pond.  YESSSSS!!!!!! 

God is good, say it with me:  "All the time."

I've been thinking about some of the things that were said to me this past weekend, and the more I think about it, the more I get pissed.  I'm not gonna go into specifics, but let's just say that I know who has my back... and apparently, it ain't the black people.  It's all good though, well really, it isn't, but okay whatever.  And now we know why I act the way that I do.

I'm the brokest bitch that anybody could possibly know.  I make it clear that I have no intentions what-so-ever in getting a job, unless it's a job that I just really want, yet I seem to have been gifted with a "rich" life.  How did I get so lucky????  I'll tell you the answer.  BY BEING RICH IN SPIRIT, believing that nothing bad will happen to me (because my higher power won't allow for that), and by doing my part to help heal the world.

I'm upset because there was this bitch telling me how hood she was.  I wanted to tell her that it's people like her that add to the negative depiction that most people have of "the Hood."  And I should not have allowed her to add to the disgrace given to my last name.  I should have spoken up and told her that if she wanted to be hood then she should go volunteer somewhere or something and lend a hand at making "the Hood" a better place for the people that live there.  I won't be holding my breathe on that one anymore, as this is not the first instance of somebody mouthing off about how hood they are.  Don't bring shame to my name... let me do that all on my own.

And I think I did a good job of that, but I knew what I was doing... or rather, what I didn't do that has caused such an upheaval of emotion.  I believe that one must suffer the consequences of his/her actions.  I'm doing that to some extent right now, but in the moment, it was about letting the chips fall where they may.  And boy, have they ever.  People have been talking their shit, people who I've considered friends, people who I've considered more than friends... it hurts, but you know what they say:  God doesn't give you more than what you can handle.  So in the words of Ms. Jill Scott "hate on, haters."  But while you are hating, know that every energy you put out into the world is the same energy you get back... one hundred times more powerful.  And people don't know that when the Universe does you a favor, you have to pay that back.  Fortuantely, for me, I pay up in advance so that the favors the Universe does for me are actually rewards.

I heard how fake I am now.  LoL.  I guess cuz I wear contacts... or something, I don't know.  I don't really care, I'm only out to know which people will have my back when the chips are down.  I think I heard it was the Asians, but you know... can't believe everything you hear, although when I first made this profile, here on MySpace, I accidentally put that my ethnicity is Asian, and until this day, my profile says I'm Asian... so now what???

These things are upsetting, but I'm forgiving.  I let my higher power handle vengeance for me because I already know that what goes around comes back around, but when it comes back, it has more momentum than when it was sent out.

Wake up people!!!  I don't personally believe that world is going to end in 2012, but if it does, I'm ready to stand in front of my judge.  I don't have fear when it comes to that.  I'm working on not having fear at all.  I've been granted the opportunity to change who I am, not just my name, but all the things that I have disliked about myself, and ironically, I really just want to be Shalena Hood, my birth name... except for in the arts, I'm still Adora Wikked.  Neither of us gives a fuck about what people have to say.

Anyway, this is long, so I'm going to end it with a poem that I wrote in creative writing about being Hood.


............

Ms. Hood

.. ..

The depiction of hood is:

dirty, dingy, and rundown,

dilapidated, if you will.

Where the local gangstas rule

every corner, pushing

their product onto those who

can't see life beyond themselves.

On that same corner,

women offer their bodies for sell,

to feed their children, perhaps,

but more likely for a hit.

“Who cares if that baby is crying...

I didn't want it anyway.”

Where walking down the street

may get you shot if

you wear the wrong color.

Or maybe you might see

the chalk outline of the fool

who made that mistake.

Where low-riders bump, bump, bump

the beat of the bass

rattling windows as they roll by.

The sound of sirens and

“ghetto birds” satiate the night air.

For this is when the party

for cops and criminals come alive.

The official language is Ebonics,

but all that means is

if you wanna be a real “G,”

drop it from the end of words and

say “we is” instead of “we are.”

What a joke, but the joke's on me.

From hoodlum to hoodrat

and everything “hood” in between,

yeah, I'm the girl in the hood,

from the hood, by a Hood.

But not really. My depiction is:

Hood, short for neighborhood,

equivalent to community...

happens to be my identity.

I am the numerological tantamount

of the number 6.

....Impregnated at birth with

concern for those who

can't or won't concern themselves.

Characterized by compassion,

a beacon for truth, justice, and righteousness.

Always a pillar of strength

because change rests on my shoulders.

I've given back, as much as I receive,

for it is the only way to live up to me.

I AM Ms. Hood...

Don't ever forget it!!

Now what????

Life is full of gamers, and somehow, they've all gravitated towards me.  What I'm learning, amongst many other things, is that people can't just be happy for you, they have to have their hand out because they think you have more than what you really do.  When I get to where I'm going, I'll come back for the people who have helped me get there... why does no one seem to understand this???

I'm sooo frustrated right now.  I can't even take one fucking minute to breathe, let alone figure out the shit that's going on in my life.  I'm learning about family.  And know I know why I don't like being bothered half of the time... more than half.  My problem is when even family has so many games. 

I'm gaining so much perspective... this is a good thing.  I'm gonna get to the point where I can completely focus, not succumb to those manic states of depression, and have in and outer peace as well.  I'm not going to allow the negative things people say about me bring me down.  I'm here to face it all, so I can move on to the next phase.  I'm getting so sick of people running their mouths about what I'm doing, especially when I'm not doing anything that can't be done by anyone who chooses to do it, and all it is is living life to the fullest, not worrying about what's going to happen.  EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.  I am where I am because I have unwavering faith in the things that I believe in.  That's the only thing I've done to get where I am... and I'm not even THERE yet.  And like I've said... when I get there, I'll come back for the people who've been here for me.

None of it matters, I'm prepared.  Game on.

Ms. Hood... out.