CNN reported that 71 was the number of cars in President Barack Obama's motorcade as he traveled from the Beijing airport. Apparently, Obama took the Health Care bill with him to show it to the Chinese.

CNN reported that 71 was the number of cars in President Barack Obama's motorcade as he traveled from the Beijing airport. Apparently, Obama took all the receipts for the things China have been buying in the U.S. with him.

Sarah Palin told Oprah that Levi Johnston is welcomed at her house for Thanksgiving. Apparently, Palin can’t wait to carve a huge turkey that day.

Sarah Palin told Oprah that 'She's not retreating; she's reloading.’ So now we know what to do in 2012: “duck and cover!”

Breaking news! 4 men had to be hospitalized today with a severe case of depression. Apparently, those were the men in charge of close caption for the Sarah Palin’s interview with Oprah and Barbara Walters.

NBC is producing a new show about a magician who uses his powers to fight crime… because only a magician can generate some ratings in NBC.

Teenagers from a Spanish region called Extremadura are being taught the "art" of masturbation. The course opens with a seminar given by Professor Carrie Prejan.

Teenagers from a Spanish region called Extremadura are being taught the "art" of masturbation. It is a fun course; I have been practicing online for years!

Teenagers from a Spanish region called Extremadura are being taught the "art" of masturbation. Ironically, for those who are not acquainted with Spanish, Extremadura means: Extremely Hard.

During a speech at the Mizner Park Amphitheater in Palm Beach Florida, Al Gore was introduced as “The president of the planet.” Unfortunately, the planet was Uranus.

During a speech at the Mizner Park Amphitheater in Palm Beach Florida, Al Gore was introduced as “The president of the planet”. Unfortunately for Al Gore, 5 minutes later they did a recount and he lost.

100 protesters gathered at the Mizner Park Amphitheater in Palm Beach Florida for Al Gore’s speech. They were loud and yelled at Gore, but 5 minutes into the speech they all went silent. Actually, you could now hear some snoring.

"New Moon" premiered last night. It is the movie about a bunch of vampires from a town called Forks. What I don’t get is how it is that these Vampires all look good, shaved and combed? If you’re a real vampire, shouldn’t you look like a mess, scruffy, with razor cuts? A true vampire can’t see their reflection in the mirror…

According to a new study, texting can cause pain in your neck. Especially if you are texting while driving and you crash!

According to a new study, texting can cause pain in your neck, especially if your wife catches you texting the hot chick that works in Hooters and smacks you across your face.

The New York Post reported that CNN was sick of Lou Dobbs and gave him an $8 million severance package to leave. Unfortunately for Dobbs, it was 8 million pesos.

The New York Post reported that CNN was sick of Lou Dobbs and gave him an $8 million severance package to leave. Apparently, CNN employees were tired that the garden looked like crap because Dobbs would refuse to hire any Mexicans.

A Chinese artist has unveiled a "Burning Man Obama" sculpture which depicts President Obama on fire. Or you can wait just a week and get the real Obama burning after leaving the interview with Fox.

Universal Pictures edited the black couple out of the British version of the movie poster for "couples retreat". Maybe if they had edited out Vince Vaughn the movie would have done much better at the box office.

Rumors are CNN is quite pleased with Lou Dobbs’ announcement of quitting the show. Apparently, they were tired their gardens and plants looked like crap because Dobbs always wanted to be in charge of hiring the gardeners.

Dolly Parton was on "The Jay Leno Show" last night. Apparently, Jay is expecting to get a BOUNCE in the ratings with that interview.

Did you hear that the parents of Balloon boy got a reality TV show: They are going to be in the MSNBC show called “Lockup.” …… Today Richard Heene pleaded guilty and he’d better have the same skills his son had to hide in jail or otherwise Bubba is going to find him.

New York Yankees Derek Jeter has a cameo as a homeless guy in a comedy called "The Other Guys". Apparently, he practiced for the role impersonating some Cub’s players.

A 12-year-old girl has a rare disease that makes her sneeze up to 20 times a minute, or 12,000 times a day. She said that it is not that bad, unless she has diarrhea.

A 12-year-old girl has a rare disease that makes her sneeze up to 20 times a minute, or 12,000 times a day. Apparently, she is known to need more paper tissue than Pee Wee Herman.

The woman who wrote the "Twilight" books gave Oprah an interview today. But if you want to hear really scary stuff, tune into Oprah on Monday when she interviews Palin.

Some preview clips of the Sarah Palin interview with Oprah Winfrey were released yesterday. I really enjoyed the part when Oprah screams to her audience: “And you get to shoot a wolf, and you get to shoot a wolf and you get to shoot”…….. Another wonderful clip was when Palin starts jumping up and down on the sofa telling Oprah, how much she loves America.

Sarah Palin told Oprah that she knew the interview with Katie Couric went poorly even though her handlers had told her she did great. Yeah, trusting your handlers is like trusting husbands when you ask them if you look fat in those pants…

Carrie Prejean told Sean Hannity that she was not having sex in the video that was sent to her ex-boyfriend. In fact she pointed at herself and said: I did not have sexual relationships with this woman…

A man in Texas drove his million-dollar sports car, a 2006 Bugatti Veyron , off a road and into a salt marsh near Galveston when he veered to avoid a low- flying pelican. Can we please get Captain 'Sully' Sullenberger quick on a plane before he keeps crashing all the cars?

A wife posed as a schoolgirl online to catch her husband using an internet chatroom to groom underage girls for sex. Maybe if she had acted like a school girl around the house, her husband wouldn’t have visited those chatrooms.

Researchers at the Institute of Microsurgery in Melbourne, Australia, announced they're going to start a medical trial using stem cells to grow breast. It is not new, there’s already a machine for creating boobs. It is called: Fox News.

McDonalds is looking to hire an assistant manager for its outlet at Guantanamo Bay. So if you want that job start practicing saying: “Would you like freedom fries with that waterboarding sir?”

McDonalds is looking to hire an assistant manager for its outlet at Guantanamo Bay. They are already getting thousands and thousands of applications for that job, not so much because they care about that position, but people know that in Guantanamo you have more chances of getting the H1N1 vaccines.

Did you hear about Carrie Prejean’s sex tape? Apparently, there's a video of her taking care of herself... which proves what we all suspected, that she is a strong Bush supporter! Actually, she now claims she did the video because Miss America organizers told her to go screw herself.

Longtime CNN host Lou Dobbs shocked his viewers Wednesday by announcing that he would be leaving the network effective immediately. You know that he doesn’t like minorities and, judging by the latest CNN’s ratings, CNN could be consider one.

Longtime CNN host Lou Dobbs quit his show last night. Imagine how he is going to feel when he finds out he’ll be replaced by Carlos Mencia!

President Obama is visiting China. Apparently, he is just going there to reassure them that he is taking good care of their country, the US.

A new study shows that seniors should walk quickly, not slowly, for optimum cardiovascular health. That’s why I started telling grandpa to hurry up because Obama’s death panels were in the area.

Hundreds of New Yorkers applied to be "ambassadors" at Charmin's Times Square restrooms, where they will earn $10,000 for six weeks of work. So far, the one with more chances to get the job is Larry Craig, who offered to do it for free.

Hundreds of New Yorkers applied to be "ambassadors" at Charmin's Times Square restrooms, where they will earn $10,000 for six weeks of work. Mmm… sorry but this smells like a load of crap.

Police charged a United Airlines pilot on suspicion of being drunk. His name: Captain Morgan.

Cuba has ordered its people to adopt "extreme measures" to cut energy usage through the end of the year. This is the end of Fidel Castro, because the only thing that uses energy in Cuba is his respiratory machine.

Hollywood actress Jane Fonda said in an interview that her sex life at 71 is better than ever, despite her metal hip and spinal surgery. Apparently, that is how she broke her hip, doing it at 71.

According to beautifulpeople.com, the ugliest women in the world are in Germany. Now you know why they drink so much beer there.

A judge ruled that a quadriplegic can mount a gun to his wheelchair and shoot his gun by blowing through a tube. I just hope he doesn’t catch a cold and start coughing and sneezing, or this could be a disaster.

A judge ruled that a quadriplegic can mount a gun to his wheelchair and shoot his gun by blowing through a tube. Hopefully, nobody shows him any porn and he gets agitated because it could end up in a disaster.

Police charged a United Airlines pilot on suspicion of being drunk as he was about to help fly a passenger plane from Heathrow Airport. The pilot admitted he was drunk but said he was going to sleep it off during the flight.

Police charged a United Airlines pilot on suspicion of being drunk as he was about to help fly a passenger plane from Heathrow Airport. I don’t think the pilot understands he’s got a problem, because when his friends suggested going to AA meetings, he said that American Airlines was not going to hire him.

A deer was killed when it jumped into the lion’s den at the National Zoo in Washington this weekend in front of dozens spectators. They were really disappointed; especially the next day when they came for the same show and found out everything had been just an accident.

New research found that teenagers who take part in team sports may have a higher risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Well, they have to be ready in case they become pro-athletes.

The hugely anticipated “Call of Duty, Modern Warfare 2” video game went on sale on Tuesday. Unfortunately, most Democrats were disappointed with the game when they found out the war in the game wasn’t between Fox and the Obama administration.

Thousands of people waited for hours in line to get their hands on the new “Call of Duty, Modern Warfare 2” video game. It’s not like they have much to do, most of them are unemployed.

As a holiday gift to weary travelers, Google is offering free Wi-Fi at 47 airports from now through January 15th, 2010. Because that is exactly what we need, more pilots distracted looking at porn in their laptops.

After 40 years, Steven Tyler may be leaving Aerosmith. Apparently, the main complaint among the members of the band is that the dude looks like an old lady.

The Democrats' health care bill will provide insurance to 96% of Americans. Apparently, the death panels will take care the other 4%.

More than one million strollers have been recalled because babies are losing their fingers in them. Madonna is concerned; what if his boyfriend Jesus loses his fingers? Where is she going to put the ring?

A British lobbying group has criticized a fire department for spending six hours on the rescue of a pet duck trapped in a pond's overflow pipe. The group settled after the firefighters decided to share their Duck a L'orange with them.

Glenn Beck had an emergency appendectomy this week. Doctors didn’t need to do much during the operation; the appendix couldn’t wait to run away from Glen Beck.

The female astronaut who drove to Florida in a diaper was sentenced to two days in jail. When asked if she was satisfied with the sentence she replied, “it depends”

George Lopez' new show premiered Monday. His audience consists mostly of Latinos, because once again Latinos are doing the jobs Americans don’t want to do.

Dina Lohan says Lindsay was dating Heath Ledger when he died. And today police ruled Ledger’s death as a suicide.

According to a new report from the Center for Responsive Politics about the wealth of our elected officials, there are 237 millionaires in Congress. So in a way, we can say that Congress is as rich as the Yankees, but unfortunately, it performs like the Cubs.

New research found that having a poor supervisor increments your chances of having a heart attack. Now that explains Dick Cheney’s bad heart condition.

According to a new research, workers feel ten years younger after they retire. Great, by the time I’m ready to retire, I’m going to feel like a 110.

President Obama said yesterday that he is considering making a decision to consider sending troops to Afghanistan.

A Brazilian woman whose short, pink dress caused a near riot at a private college and led to her expulsion will be allowed to return to class. Because that’s precisely what she needs… class.

A Brazilian woman whose short, pink dress caused a near riot at a private college and led to her expulsion will be allowed to return to class. It worked for that school, because today people from all over the world are registering to study in that college.

A blond, attractive Brazilian woman whose short, pink dress caused a near riot at a private college and led to her expulsion will be allowed to return to class. I don’t think she cares anymore about college; she already got offers to work in Univision and Fox News.

A woman in Canada stole $21,000 from her boyfriend because she wanted him to break up with her. I’m not this guy, but I think a text would have been enough.

A woman in Canada stole $21,000 from her boyfriend because she wanted him to break up with her. That never works, look at politicians, they keep stealing from us, and we keep voting for them.

A judge is temporarily blocking Jennifer Lopez’s ex-husband releasing a movie about her. Apparently, the judge is afraid the movie could be as bad as Gigli…

A sex tape of Carrie Prejean has surfaced. In the video she is all by herself. I don’t want to give you more details, but it is evident that she is a strong Bush supporter.

According to a new survey, re-gifting is becoming more common in America. Take the democrats for example; they seem to be willing to regift the seats they won in 2009.

Sammy Sosa’s agent says that Sosa’s skin looks lighter because he is going through a skin rejuvenation process. Actually, Joan Rivers went through the same rejuvenation process; what nobody knows is that in the past she was as black as Whoopy Goldberg.

Ellen DeGeneres was on "Oprah" yesterday. Two day talk giants met for the first time; actually, one day talk giant, Oprah.

Rep. Anh "Joseph" Cao, of Louisiana, was the only Republican congressman that voted in favor of the Health Care reform bill on Saturday. He’ll need the Health Care bill more than ever now, because Fox News and the rest of the Republican Party are going to beat the heck out of him.

Congress passed a landmark health care legislation Saturday night. It was shocking; Congress working on Saturday night?

Congress passed a landmark health care legislation Saturday night. It was quite awkward when Pelosi said last call for voting, and a few congressmen asked for scotch, martini and bourbon.

Maria Shriver had a birthday on Friday. She is now 54… lbs…

Maria Shriver had a birthday on Friday. And if you want to get her something useful, you cannot fail with a blue tooth.

On Friday, Tyra Banks had a woman with two vaginas on her show. It just gives me the chill to think of how annoying she could be that time of the month!

An American woman suffered a sudden attack of amnesia after having sex with her husband. That’s why I always tell my dates we need to film everything.

An American woman suffered a sudden attack of amnesia after having sex with her husband… unlike my wife who keeps reminding me that we don’t need to do it today because we did it last month.

An American woman suffered a sudden attack of amnesia after having sex with her husband. That’s a lucky, lucky man.

A man in China is auctioning 5,000 condoms from the 2008 Olympics. Great, I’ll buy them and I’m covered for the weekend.

A man in China is auctioning 5,000 condoms from the 2008 Olympics. 5,000 Chinese condoms… perfect; I combine all of them and make one my size.

A woman is going to give birth live online. The baby is expected to be born after 8 months, 2 weeks and 3 minutes of buffering.

Sammy Sosa's skin appears to have lightened considerably because of the use of steroids. Actually, people don’t know this, but Mark McGwire used to be as black as Morgan Freeman.

Sammy Sosa's skin appears to have lightened considerably because of the use of steroids. The skin color didn’t change much, but the fact that steroids shrink your junk gives you the illusion that he looks whiter.

Sammy Sosa's skin appears to have lightened considerably because of the use of steroids. And today Republicans started putting steroids in their kids’ breakfast.

Thieves in Florida stole 90 bras from a Victoria's Secret store. Police are confident they'll solve the case because the thieves were just a bunch of boobs.

A baby missing for five days in Florida was found alive and well under her baby sitter's bed. Immediately after that, the baby said his first words: “We did it for the show!”

A baby missing for five days in Florida was found alive and well under her baby sitter's bed. Apparently, the new problem now is that every time a kid goes missing police looks up in the sky for a balloon.

President Obama hosted an event at the White House this week celebrating classical music. Unfortunately, the orchestra picked up the mood at the White House and played a requiem.

President Obama said during a speech that one day Malia got a 73 on her science test, but after he and Michelle sat down with her to talk about it, she improved and brought a 95 in the test. So if Michelle and Obama are so good, why don’t they sit down and have a chat with the members of congress.

A woman in Australia discovered right after she got married that she was allergic to her husband’s sperm. It is not that uncommon; it happens very often after getting married.

A woman in Australia discovered right after she got married that she was allergic to her husband’s sperm. It is not that uncommon; a lot of people are allergic to nuts.

There's a resort in Austria where you can swim in a pool of beer. And since it is light beer, you can also take a leak in the pool and nobody would notice the difference.

The Chinese government has approved construction of a Shanghai Disneyland. It’ll be quite similar to Disneyland in America; they only difference is that Goofy will be served in their restaurants.

A new study says that kissing may have developed as a way for a woman to build immunity from a virus called cytomegalovirus, which is present in saliva. In other news, Susan Boyle is suffering from cytomegalovirus.

A leaked copy of Palin’s victory speech had she won the 2009 elections surfaced this week. It reads: “nanana nanaaaana!”

Verne Troyer's, former girlfriend has gotten a temporary restraining order against him that prohibits him from being within 150 yards of her. And that in Verne’s measurements is like being in another state.

Lady Gaga says the ultimate accessory is a condom. And if you are going to go out with her, the second most important accessory is ear plugs.

Senate Democrats have blocked a GOP attempt to require next year's census forms to ask people whether they are a U.S. citizen. Apparently, Democrats were concerned that Obama may answer NO.

Senate Democrats have blocked a GOP attempt to require next year's census forms to ask people whether they are a U.S. citizen. Apparently, Democrats were concerned the population of California may turn out to be 2.

A Detroit UPS driver was fired for opening and refusing to deliver a package that contained four pounds of marijuana. No wonder the Detroit Lions didn’t do well in their last game.

A PGA golfer has tested positive for steroids. Authorities suspected there was something weird with him after he started using the golf club as a bat.

Today is the first anniversary of Obama’s presidency. It is weird; the only ones I saw celebrating last night were Republicans.

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. He lost more than 40lbs… sorry; those are the points he lost in his approval ratings.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. It is nothing to be concerned; it was retouched by Ralph Lauren.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. Doctors suggested he should stop having lunch with Oprah.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. And today Republicans say that this is clear evidence he wasn’t born in this country.

Two terrorists in northern India were killed by a bear when they hid in its cave. And today Obama deployed Yogi Bear and Smokey the bear to Afghanistan.

New Zealand mayor provoked outrage by suggesting that government should pay 'problem parents' not to have children. If that includes Octomom and Jon & Kate, I’m willing to cheap in…

A man in Colorado stabbed himself just so he wouldn't have to go to work at blockbuster. I hope it catches on and the guy that recommended me “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” at my neighborhood Blockbuster does the same.

A Minneapolis woman will give birth to her first baby live on the internet. I have AOL. My connection is so slow, by the time I’m done with the delivery, the baby is going to be 5 years old.

A giant crack in Africa will create a new ocean. And today a confused Amy Winehouse bought tickets to Africa.

According to a recent study, almost 700 million people worldwide would move to another country. Still none of them is willing to go to Detroit.

Usain Bolt, the world's fastest man, adopted the world's fastest cat, a cheetah, as part of a conservation effort. And also as a training tool, as every morning he marinates his body and lets the cheetah chase him.

A man in England claims that he is allergic to his wife and breaks out in a rash whenever he goes near her. The disease is known in the medical arena as Clintonitis.

NASA will expose monkeys to daily radiation in order to better understand the effects of long space trips on humans. I can’t wait to see them throwing glowing poo at each other.

Virgin Atlantic launched an iPhone application to help people with fear of flying. It is called I-drink.

During an interview, Rhianna said that after she was assaulted by Chris Brown, she went to sleep as Rhianna and woke up as Britney Spears. Apparently, the beating affected her vocal chords.

Jessica Simpson said in a magazine that she loves intellectual men. Don’t feel discouraged; for Jessica, an intellectual man is someone like President Bush.

The official that decided to kick off the 2-year-old kid of a Southwest Airline might be disciplined by the company. Apparently, they are mad at him because he didn’t see the business opportunity to charge more for tickets located far away from the kid.

Kate Gosselin was ticketed for going 70 miles an hour in a 55-mile-an-hour zone. Apparently, she was speeding because she doesn’t want to miss the last seconds of her 15 minutes of fame.

Everybody is surprised because an American man won the New York City Marathon on Sunday. They shouldn’t be surprised; it is a clear sign that we’re becoming a third world country.

Mattel is coming out with a new gay Ken doll. How disappointed and bored is he going to be when he finds out that the original Ken doll doesn’t have anything under his clothes.

During an NBA game, Spurs player Manu Ginobili, swatted a bat out of the air with his bare hand and then handed it to a security personnel. “Woosy… he didn’t even bite it,” said Ozzy.

During an NBA game, Spurs player Manu Ginobili, swatted a bat out of the air with his bare hand and then handed it to a security personnel. And now PETA wants him charged with assault and BATtery.

NBA player Manu Ginobili had to be vaccinated for rabies. No, it wasn’t because he caught a bat during a game. Apparently, he shook hands with Lou Dobbs.

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. And also because you know how difficult is it to find food tasters every single day?

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. How ironic, the way he is running the country is making a lot of people skip several meals too.

The ABC affiliate in Washington is airing a special about breast self-exams during the fall "sweeps" period. It works for Fox News; they get huge ratings showing big boobs like Hannity and Glen Beck…

The U.S. dropped from sixth to ninth on this year's list of the most prosperous countries in the world. Things are not likely to change because when experts at the White House were asked about the drop, they giggled and said “Ha, from Six to Nine!!”

A company that is opening the first hotel in space says they already rented their first room for 2012. The room cost $4.4 million, but Republicans are willing to spend anything to hide Sarah Palin on Election Day.

The FAA has revoked the licenses of the pilots of the Northwest Airlines flight that overshot the Minneapolis Airport. They are not worried; they know they are going to make lots of money as cab drivers.