Last night, Bridgette came home, greeted me, and then showed me something of great power and wonder.

She had a massive, swollen blister on her pinky toe.

I swear to you, this thing was the size of a damned peanut.  No, not a peanut shell you idiot.  (Why dont you think before making a comment like that?)  The actual peanut itself.  It was puffy and red and filled with healing pus.  Im telling you, it was fricking amazing. 

I'm wearing new pants today.  I ordered them online and they arrived in the mail - very convenient.  It makes going to the store seem as old fashioned as dying from polio.

Anyway, these arent just any normal pants I'm wearing.  These are Levis Action Slacks.  You wouldnt believe what I can do with these pants, but rest assured that action is involved. 

With these pants, I won't just be doing any ordinary teaching today.  I'm going to be sprinting, flipping, jumping, and flopping in front of my students for 50 minutes straight, all the while screaming historical facts at the top of my lungs.  "THE SPANISH-AMERICAN WAR IS AN EXAMPLE OF U.S. EXPANSIONISM AROUND THE TURN OF THE 20TH CENTURY!!!!!!!"  This will be immediately followed by an series of aggressive grunts and shouts as I do 50 pull-ups.  Upon completion of the pull-ups, I will drop to the floor and spittle will fly from my mouth as I scream, "WILLIAM MCKINLEY!!!   MMMRRRAARARRGGH!!!"

Then I'll eat two dozen Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls while crying and give detention to anyone who laughs at me.

I recently finished reading "Sinatra: The Life" by Anthony Summers and Robbyn Swan, a biography of the most famous singer of the 20th century.  While the book merely skimmed the surface of Sinatra's musical accomplishments, it provided a compelling insight into the man himself. 

On Sunday morning I awoke and got to work on a few chores.  I grabbed a small bundle of clothes that needed to be washed, and headed down to the basement where our apartment complexs laundry room is found.  The laundry room is a dirty, dingy corner of exposed brick with concrete floors.  I was still a big groggy with sleep when the following events took place.

Head down and determined to make this a quick visit, I stepped into the laundry room.  I first noticed that the room was brighter than usual, and then quickly saw that a man and a woman were looking at me awkwardly and darting away from each other.  The man immediately apologized to me, "I'm sorry, man.  My girlfriend said I could take a few pictures."

I surveyed the situation.  The man was in his early 30s, and reminded me of my old coworkers at a record store I worked at in college.  He held a high-end camera in his hand.  The woman was wearing a large coat and was tightly holding it closed.  Womens underwear lay atop the dryer.

"I'll just be a second", I offered meekly.

"Thanks for being so cool."  The man offered me his hand, "I'm Mike."

I shook his hand unenthusiastically.

"I'm sorry", he continued, "I've never seen anybody actually use this place." 

I began loading the laundry into the machine, and inserting quarters with a trembling hand.  Mike continued, "This is the lovely Miss Angelica."

I turned to the Lovely Miss Angelica and nodded.  She returned with a nervous giggle.

The machine started.  I pointed to its timer while walking out of the room.  "I'll be back here in 25 minutes."

Fricking Daylight Savings Time

Well, it happened again.  The fuel light on my car is on, and I'm almost out of gas.  I feel completely helpless about the situation.

I guess after work I'll have to head out to the parking lot, destroy my 2001 Toyota Camry with a sledgehammer, and set it on fire.  Then I'll take a taxi to the bank, apply for another loan, and buy a 2002 Toyota Camry in hopes that this won't happen again with a newer model.

If George Bush had signed the Kyoto Protocol, this never would have happened to me. 

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