I'm online. But nobody's on. yay.

I really want to go home. I'm tired. It doesn't really feel like I've had winter break at all. bah.

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. It wasn’t very interesting here…I got money and played some bingo. Nothing much happened…I feel cheated on.

Today’s my birthday. Hooray. I’m seventeen. I’m supposed to have a party later on tonight at my aunt’s house. Apparently there were so many people invited, we couldn’t have it at Jollibee. I’m probably gonna get money again. I wish I could have a party or something with my friends instead.

One thing I like about the Philippines: everything is fucking cheap. I probably increased my wardrobe by twofold because of the cheap knockoffs. Here a middle class American would be considered filthy rich. Really nice gel pens would amount to fifty cents at most. I got a CD for five dollars and a nice collared shirt for six. The problem is when I get back home I’m gonna think everything’s expensive. But there’s too many people…I go to the city and it’s hard enough walking on the streets, because it’s so crowded. Scares the fuck out of me.

Hopefully I won’t die from food poisoning, car accident, plane crash or cockroach. I miss everyone. Tell me what the homework is and tell me if we’re a club or not. Happy new years.

It has been forever yes...since I last blogged, or gone on teh myspace at all. Wowness.

Well I went to my sisters' choir concert today...boring as hell. I mean they were part of the sixth grade choir, and they were pretty good, but they only took up fifteen minutes, and I had to sleep through an extra hour and a half of little middle schoolers who thought they could sing on american idol or something, as well as stupid little logan freshmen who go on and start screaming random names and shit like that. Damn kids piss me off.

Anyways, I always bring a book to read, and for some reason, I always get to the really sad parts when I'm at those choir concerts. For example, I brought along Goblet of Fire last time and I got right to the part where Cedric died...wah. Made me sad. And then today I brought Keeping You a Secret, which was this kid's lesbian novel...or at least, my sister had found it under the kids bestseller section of borders. I was just flipping through it to see if anything like sex was going on, which there was (though it had some mild kissing scenes, there were references to het sex, a rather amusing shower scene and putting soap in odd places, but surprisingly enough, no gay sex...or I haven't found them yet). Kid's novel my ass. But reading around the middle of the book there was this scene where the girl comes home and her mom practically attacks her after finding out she's gay...and then she has one minute to pack her things and the door just gets slammed in her face, just like that. The whole thing couldn't have lasted ten minutes.

It really switched something fearful inside of me. I felt scared. That happens to people. Kids get thrown out of their houses and they've got nothing. Some part of me is terrified, and even if I don't get thrown out of the house...still, my family's reaction if they ever find out, the rest of them...I don't know what I'll do. My family makes fun of that kind of stuff all the time, and it's implied that they never want that in their family. But then I know there will be the day when I bring my "friend" home for dinner. Bah. I guess it's inevitable.

I got really angry too. What kind of fucking parents would do that to their kids. Pisses me off. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am, that I don't get hate notes or anything (or at least, not yet). I hate it, how people can be so narrow minded. Fuck, I don't care if anyone tries to stop our GSA. I don't care if God comes down and smites us with his oh-em-gee divine superpowers. I'll stand alone out on the sidewalk waving a sign if we don't get approved. I just don't want people to be stupid anymore. I'm gonna do something important...I might not have a great voice, but I'm going to write things. I'm going to be part of journalism and turn the whole fucking school upside down. I'm not going to hide in my house anymore...I'm not going to be scared of anything anymore.

Wah. Stupid English. Seventeen quotes and seventeen chunks worth of analysis. My head hurts. Symbolism is nice and all, and I like disecting and mutilating works of literature so I can get to the real message and whatnot, but it's a pain in the ass to write them down. Dammit, if I ever get to be a memorable writer, I don't want kids to be writing stuff about my books. I swear if any English teacher puts his/her students through a painful English project that has to do with my work, I will personally come and haunt them.

I really do like The Glass Menagerie though...call me a retard for liking it. I really like Laura. The fact that I identify most with the social retard kind of makes me question my sanity. I don't like people and most of the time I'm drifting around in my own little world rather than facing reality. I don't like talking to anyone outside of my small social circle. I don't really give much thought to the future--right now my only concern is getting through day after day. Bleh.

My doctor says I'm not being open enough. Apparently I'm too guarded or something. I don't see anything wrong with that. Everyone has their own secrets. And I'd like to keep mine. But the problem is if I do then I'll just be miserable. Thinking about it I understand why a lot of writers were miserable bastards...they keep all this crap cooped up inside them and the only way to let it out is to write. And they write really depressing but really great stuff. But then writing is nothing compared to actual social connections so in the end, they kill themselves. They're brilliant, but brilliance isn't worth a damn compared to actually having friends. 

I don't really know what happened...freshman year was a load of crap but sophomore year I was fine. Now junior year I'm getting all depressed again. Dammit I hope I don't have to take medication or anything. Because that would be bad. I'll just be wired and I'll be artificially happy. And happiness is good, but not when all that does it is popping a few pills. I'm getting kind of worried. At least I have the weekend to sulk it off.

Last night the gay marriage bill passed in the state senate...yay ^_^. However, the governor said that he would veto it, because he wanted the issue to be decided by either the population or the supreme court. Blehness. I won't go into angry rant because I can see the governor's logic. It wasn't like he hated gays or anything...it's just more plausable that more than one group should take gay marriage into consideration. The thing I had a problem with was the conservatives, though. In Sacramento these conservatives had this huge sign against gay marriage with the word "gay" crossed out in red. That hurt a little. Sometimes I forget how hateful some people are. Ah well. I guess they're entitled to their opinions.

I finally write a blog in protest to that whole school internet policy thing. I understand their good intentions...someone who is threatened by any means should report it. I think that's important. But I don't think the school should have imposed all these restrictions on us, as if to blame all of us for all this trouble. In truth, these people who are sending threats to others is a select few. And they're assholes. Because of them we have all these stupid rules that restrict our freedom of speech. Seriously it's kind of scary to know that you might write a bloggy someday and you'd get in trouble for it because the school thinks your opinions are "obscene." It's not like I'm going to go out and go on a total killing spree following the posting of my blog. Geh I just don't like the feeling that someone's reading my page for the sole purpose of seeing if my blog has any "obscene opinions" or not. And then that someone ratting on me. You can't trust anybody anymore. *twitches*

On a lighter note, I've finally gotten enough motivation to continue writing my story...I'm glad that in English we're finally going to do some creative writing. But then that means I'm going to have to weed out all of the inappropriate stuff I've been working with for the past two years. It's not like I've written erotica or anything, it's just that I've spent so much time keeping my writing to myself that it's natural for me to pair two female characters up in a romantic plot and for me to thoroughly describe some type of limb being hacked off. Because of manga I now have this fascination with spurting gallons of blood. Apparently, not too Catholic-y for an English teacher to read. But it's writing, and I like writing so I guess I can compromise a few things.

The only thing I'm scared of is growing up and living alone in an apartment with nothing but my laptop as the only thing I hear during the day is the click click click of my keyboard as I crunch out yet another novel for my fans. I might have a lot of fans, I might have just two...but no matter how many people admire my work, they'll never admire me. Sometimes I'm reading a book and I adore the plot, the setting, and the characters, but I never really get in touch with the person who wrote the book, just the words on the page. That's what I'm scared of. That people will know about me and they'll read the stuff I write, but nobody will actually be there with me. I think that if I ever have a girlfriend she'll probably leave me because of the manic state I get in when I'm in in my writing mode...the voices get so loud in my head that I have to write something.  Sometimes I get these people stuck in my head and they just keep talking and talking and I can't focus on anything until I write it all down, shut up in some room. My girlfriend will get frustrated and leave me, and then after I finally finish and I come out, there will be nothing there for me but a half empty bookcase and an air bed, because she took all her books and the mattress with her. Then I'll have all this money and all this fame and I'll go to all these book signings and shit with mile long lines, but then even when I'm in a crowd of people I'll just be alone. Thinking about it makes me sad.

I've been getting quite sad lately...geh. When I'm walking by myself to junior lot after practice and I see my car all alone after everyone's gone I start feeling all despressed and I kick rocks all over the place. Maybe it's because I feel so hopeless in a Catholic school, or that all I want to do is sit alone in a corner and read, or that everything has to based on damn coincidences, but I have to go home and do my homework. Bah. I guess I'm just not used to the pacing of school yet.

Damn now I sound like an emo kid. But we don't want any threats now...the school is watching. *scary music plays*

I really like school...I admit it. I'm actually kind of happy that school started so early. It's nice to actually have a place to go and hang out and learn something. I like learning. I like all my classes...Peace and Conflict is like hippieness without the pot. Chemistry is going to be much fun, with all of us in one class. And there's a cute new transfer student in my French class. Damn it's only the first day of school and I already have a mad crush. As usual she's going to turn out straight, thus sending me into a deep hole of longing and depression--but it's routine. We have medicine that can fix that. Damn I've gone from "every girl is a closet" to "give up bitch...she is straight." At least I've gotten more realistic. That's what society does to you when they want nothing more than sweep you under the rug. WOOT rugs.

Junior year is going to be hard though. First day of school and I'm already stressed out of my mind. I got a timed write to worry about tomorrow, and a test on Friday, crap to read for apush, plus I have to juggle cross country and what I should say "aspirations." It pisses me off.

Has anyone noticed how the freshmen are so tiny this year? Why are they shorter than me? My conclusion is that God felt sorry for me so when I finally had a top locker upstairs he made all the freshmen smaller so I could feel taller. That's what you get for going to church every Sunday BITCHES.

Interesting article on lesbian context in anime and manga...go educate yourselves so you stop assuming that everything lesbian in the media is for the benefit of horny hetero males... lesbians + anime/manga = wootenness. And it's not that nasty porn stuff for once.

***

If I didn't mention this before I've made it a summer goal and try to "educate" my sisters through anime. I swear I could teach an entire sex ed class using anime. And my parents think anime is just for kids so it's all right. Well I'm letting them watch this anime series called Sailor Moon and it has this lesbian couple...it's not the main focus of the story, but it's just a little subplot. There's no sex scenes and no kissing between them either. So I figured that it was the perfect way to teach my sisters about how it's okay for a girl to like girls and for guys to like guys. Turns out now the lesbians are their favorite characters and they like the series Revolutionary Girl Utena too...which has lesbians amok. I guess their enthusiasm is a good thing. The creepy thing is how they're okay with two girls gazing lovingly into each other eyes but when sailor moon and tuxedo mask start making out they cover their eyes and go "EWWW!" I don't think I'll ever understand children. Well at least when they're in middle school and they see an ad for a gay straight alliance they'll be okay with it. And they won't start that nasty habit of saying "that's so gay" like a lot of kids at school do. So see? I'm a good sister. HA.

***

Anyways just returned from Disneyland...and it was teh awesomeness. I felt like a kid again. The only male I will ever fall in love with is Mickey Mouse, I swear. I fell in love with Alice and Belle all over again too. The electrical parade was awesome...I haven't seen it in near ten years. And the fireworks...when they started playing the Star Wars theme I was so happy. I rode Space Mountain a thousand times and I let myself be a dork and sang along to Small World. The castle looked so cool with the fiftieth bday decorations. If I lived in Anaheim I would be so happy working at Disneyland with the costumes and everything...it'd be like cosplay...and you'd get PAID doing it. We all need to go there together sometime...it would be so much fun. Damn now I have so many disney movies to watch...still have to do apush though >_< I want to work for Disney so I get free tickets to Disneyland. I swear when I take my kids to Disneyland I'll be more excited than them.

There's an art contest in Shoujo Beat...prizes are copic art supplies. I'm getting those markers this time, bitches.

I <3 Harry Potter midnight parties. It's like where all the geeks congregate. I wish every day was like that. I got my book at 12:35 in the morning and I felt bad about not cosplaying so the next day when I went to Gilroy with my family to go shopping with my cousins, I put on a nice collared shirt, a pair of black pants, a vest, and my slytherin tie (and I would have put on my cloak if it weren't for the 100 degree heat). Then I walked around with my book and read the whole time. People stared and I loved it. Damn I'm such an attention whore.

Maybe I should take Melissa's advice and write deep revelations here rather than "woot be amused by my odd take of reality" blogs. Eh...I need to start philosophying more.

I got to drive by myself today. TO church. And I didn't crash into anything. WOOT.

mon schedule:

1: Hon English - Weltcheck
3: French 3 - Schroeder
5: Lunch
7: Hon Pre-Calc - Gongwer
9: Java - Gerardo

2: Major Religions - Steeb
4: AP US History - Wilder
6: Lunch
8: Hon Chemistry - Noblejas

Yes. So you all can hit me up wit yo replies saying which classes we FOOs have together.

WOOT morning blog. My sisters are watching me type so I can't write anything too naughty. (tries to find something to say...)

It's kind of funny how I have my license but I'm still stuck in my house. Looking after my sisters. WAH. Turns out b/c of my grades I get 10% off insurance (Insurance Lady: Does your daughter have at least a 3.0? My mother: O_O....She has a 4.24...) but to get another 10% off I have to take this test...wah no more tests. *crawls into corner, sucking thumb*

Harry Potter is coming out on Saturday...I want to hang out at Borders tomorrow so I can get a copy at midnight. It's not like I'm a total Harry Potter freak...at least not that much anyway. So what if I reserved my own copy. It's just that Borders isn't always open until midnight. I mean it's BORDERS. Browsing the manga section at 11:30 at night sounds oddly appealing to me. Damn the porn. I could have worked there.

I got my textbooks yesterday. When I found the box on my doorstep I felt this sudden surge of happiness...BOOKS! Damn I'm such a nerd. We have new chemistry books...mine was even all wrapped up nicely in plastic. It better be good if I paid 108 bucks for it.

*sigh* I can't think of anything to type with my sisters looking over my shoulder.

*goes off to revel at textbooks agani*

I passed my drive test. w00t...I barely passed b/c the lady said that I was driving too slow. Better too slow than too fast I suppose. But I didn't hit the curb when I was backing up. Go mon awesome pimping driving skillz yo.

Tis good day.

I got my AP bio score today...w00t I got a 5 *happy*  

I went to my first county fair with Danielle today...it was fun, though I threw up as a result of going on too many rides in a relatively short amount of time. So much for my being butch  I <3 danielle hehe.

And my parents started talking about my Debut today...if you didn't know a Debut is this big bash 18th bday party, when a girl is acknowledged as a young woman. Lots of filipino drunkenness w00t. Also meaning I'll have to wear a dress...funness. But my parents want there to be a dance floor, and by my request there shall be only techno. *does happy dance once more*