I seriously thought this was going to work.
Maybe not OMG FOREVERRRS.
But you know, at least a little bit into college.

I was all excited, you know?
I'd finally have a lover to see every week.
I'd finally...maybe...be kind of normal relationshipwise?

And hahahaha, I had finally gotten over my fear of his having said I love you.
And i was all ready for what I've been fantasizing, dreaming, fucking craving of....
And just like that.
Its just gone.

He proved me right about everything I've been insecure about.
And fuck, I really wish I was wrong.
I really do.

He 'couldn't hold himself back anymore"....
That was back in February?
And lets see.
March. Aptil. May.
I last saw him in March.
And thats it.
One month is all it took for it to be over.
hell, one week.

One week of my being busy, his being busy.
for things just to go to shit.

And so, I've been crying and throwing up for a few solid hours now.
and its pathetic.
I never throw up.

but I wasn't prepared for this at all.

But fuck,
It figures.
Considering when we were 'open' he had another girl...
Who the fuck was I to think he wouldn't find another again?

But I didn't think it would be that soon.

and all it did in his mind.
was "complicate things"

And "september's too far away"

Why will I never be worth it?

I am.
I fucking know I am.
this isn't a sign of cockiness to say so-
I know I'm a good girlfriend.
A little crazy, but hey.
The fuck can I do.

And so.
I don't know what'll go down Friday.
I may hug him and run.
I may hug him and cry.
I may...end up doing something I regret.

But damn it, I wouldn't have regretted it Saturday now, would I?

I just...I don't know.
I have to start getting ready for school in half an hour.
And...
I'll probably be a fucking wreck.

But you know.
Thats okay.


Travis, you may have gotten over shit mighty fast.
Thats the way you are.

But I won't.
Thats the way I am.

All it took.
All it took was a few days of being busy.
Or hell, maybe not even that.
Maybe this was the opportunity he was waiting for.


I'm never going to get the better end of the deal, am I?

He'll be off fucking soon, and I'll...I'll be emo. o.O

I'll always be the one to put out, both in adoration, and just...putting out XD
And at the same time, I'll never be able to get the sexual satisfaction I want, right?
bahahaahaha

Second time.
Second fucking time.
Where I plan and pour myself into those plans...

And get fucked up the ass.
OH WAIT.
FUCK UP THE ASS?
OH MY, WHOSE?
NO, I CAN'T EVEN HAVE THAT, RIGHT?
bahahahaahahaha.

Ba. Fucking. ha.
Really now.

This is getting ridiculous.
How can I be myself in relationships, when its ultimately what fucks me over?

And they'll say they're sorry.
Oh so fucking sorry.
But sorry....

Sorry doen't make up for how I COULD FUCKING DEAL WITH THE DISTANCE AND YOU COULDN'T =D

And for a while, people have been saying
'oh you can do so much better Sasha'

Well, fuck,
I sure hope so.

San Francisco.
Be good to me.
Please.

Ironic that I said that.
Considering how I was investing all my hope that once I lived in San Francisco-
Things would be easier.
that we would spend more time together.
And that everything would be magicaaaaal.

But no.
I do that too much.
Nothing is magical.

OH. WELLLLL.

Hell, maybe I'll find a girl like I've been thinking of in the back of my mind? (just don't let her be far away, or married again, please.)
I mean, hey.
I like cock.
But its too  much trouble lately.

Or a sub boy toy would be nice.
considering I've been harboring such domme thoughts lately.
That, thank you very much, I'll have to hide even more from now on.
Considering most men are pussies.
....
ohwords u.u

Or find a raver.
Or a lovely older rivethead/bitch.
Or just a Darkwave/EBMer.
I'd like that last one a lot.

I know!
I'll take some workshps at Pure Pleasure in Santa Cruz to cheer me up!  O:
Learn all that I wanted to.
Oh wait...
they're mostly couple classes..

Oh God.
I don't know.

Fuckmylife.

At this rate.
I know not to mess with wanting love.
Because quite frankly.
It isn't worth a damn.
As I just wonderfully had to find out.

So let me be the shallow one for once.
The selfish one.
The one who doesn't give a damn.

At least give me that.
Because maybe I wasn't meant to be like this.

Maybe I should have resisted being myself.
Maybe I should have juggled those boys after all.

Because being loyal seems to be overrated. =D

And boys.
Don't say I love you unless you mean it.
And even then-
Don't say it.

sfhsdfksdfjksdjf
BAAAAAAAH.
I don't fucking know.

Denying myself didn't work.
Being myself didn't work.

What am I supposed to do?

Fuck.
Fine.
I enjoy being in love.
I do.
I reallllly fucking do.
I love the feeling of giddyness I get.

But you know what?
Mutual loving.
Thats a fucking amazing phenomenon in itself too.

I'd like to tell and be told of the love.
I'd like to not be the one doting and cooing and worrying and smiling.
I'd like to have the other party care.

BUT WHO ACTUALLY CARES, RIGHT?
WHO.
CARES.

(Oh sappy rhymes escaping
that had been sitting and whining
so fucking impatiently in my head)

I care too much
to the point of aching
I hold my expectations up too high
to the point where I lose touch
that people aren't really as attentive
and really don't care back that much
its a natural instinctive behavior
one that I know all too well
we are alone
together
in our handmade little hell

Who are the people
that make us want to live?
Do they know about it all....
All the love we give?

We get buried in our own mess
hardly time to dig others out of theirs
And then we'll piss and moan and babble
and pull out all our hairs

Slap on a smile
Get 'the fuck over ourselves'
Hang up our troubles on the back of mental shelves
But don't be relieved just yet

They're still there to haunt us
They're still there for later

Just because we trust ourselves
Doesn't make us any less of traitors

We are the oblivious, yet painfully aware.

We are the helpless, but also the activists.

We are the ambitious, yet amazingly lazy.

We are the recyclers, we love the 80s, and borrow trends and bits and pieces from the past.

We are a MTV generation, yet we are also looking to get away fromt he mainstream norm.

We are the muiltitaskers, the ipod kids, the facebook, youtube, and myspace whores.

We are the ones who have to pay for our country's debt, thanks to Bush's fuck ups.

We are the generation that is promised that times are changing.
And we are also the ones constantly questioning it.

We are the generation of both openmindedness, and at the same time ever renewing hate and hypocrisy.

We are the generation of mixed old fashioned and new fashioned values.

We are the daughters and sons, granddaughters and grandsons of dreamers, and we don't quite know the extent of value of what we have-
Because we've always had it.

We are the people that mobbed to the polls this year, with a silly giddy hopeful desire to be part of CHANGE.
But God knows what kind of change can be accomplished in a time of such high expectations, and lots to clean up.

We are the mutts, slowly pushing the limists of what  to check off when asked who we are, and where we're from, and who our ancestors are, and squeezing in as much as we can into"Other".

We are the once money happy, mass quantity, big SUV people that have started looking in our wallets, and the polluted sky with the lingering thought of
"Oh shi-"

We are the ones with the most company.
But we are also the most lonely.

Fighting for liberation
for redemption
for me
for a chance to grow
struggling with dependence
with self doubt
wanting to leave
to go

Where am I now?

I'm eighteen
I'm an adult
or so they say
I'm legal
I'm up for the chase

Yet...
Frustration
and years of lack of self esteem
have strangled me it seems
As I look at those who succeed
and wonder if I can truly join their league

My future's so close
Yet so far away
But I know I'm the only one who can
find my own way

You said I wouldn't be able to
handle things on my own
That San Francisco
would leave me dead on the streets

You said....
You said....

Where am I now?
I'm lost in your you saids

What about my I says?

I say I'll take the chance
I say I'll make it
I say I'm scared
I say I'll still need you
I say I still love you
But I need your support
and your hope
instead of the panic
guilt, and fear that nestles itself into my brain
worming its ways into my life
And my wanting nothing more than to shoot it

I'm still your baby
And I promise y
I won't be that far
And while you'll find my life style questionable
You know you saw it coming
And at least I haven't been a crack whore
or that I've screwed everything that walks
I'm just....a bit bizarre

I've been sheltered so long
I'll get to expose me
I've been hesitant so long
I'll get to release me

But for now I can only pine for it all
Like I've done all my life
For I have to finish off
the restraints of the conventional
To finish building
the bridge between childhood and adulthood

And shit, I hope I don't fall

Lol, so, for a while now, I've been meeting more and more ravers.
Which is great.
More people to party with.
More chance to really get in touch with whats going on.
Or, at least...
IT WOULD BE IF I WASN'T SO FUCKING SHY OFF MY ASS.

Its terrible, for, you know, I'd love to be able to live out PLUR.
But how am I supposed to be unified with you guys...if I'm in a corner, rubbing my feet together, twiddling my thumbs, and blushing like an idiot?
Unless its actually at raves, where I'll be dancing uber hard, barely ever stepping out to breath..
Which is, in itself, another form of being antisocial. ;-;

So, I really, really apologize to anyone I've met, and just exchanged names with-
And then nothing more.
Please, don't think I'm being a bitch or anything...
I'm just...
Used to being rejected and shunned, to the point where I automatically back off in fear.
Even in the raving community.

Another issue I'll always have-
I'm fucking sober.
And sure, people will 'respect' it and all.
But I know there are certain people who call me a pussy about it behind my back.
And those few, I've tried my hardest to redeem myself and why I choose to stay like this-
but meeting new people, and having to awkardly blurt out I don't want anything....
thats usually a turn off, no?
I'm scared shitless of having another seizure, or being one of those lucky people to have bad trips or just...crap like that.
And I often feel that the music is enough of a high for me.
Sometimes though, people take this as a 'superior' tone.
And shit-
I can't pull that off! xDD

So, yes.
I doubt any of the people this is aimed at will read this.
But if you do-
I'd love to get to know some of you guys better.
Forgive me for being such an awkward spazz.
And know that I'm bursting with love for you guys, if you'll let me.

Now, don't get me wrong.
I'm in no way under the delusion that reality TV is real. I'm aware of the money involved, the acting...

There are just several elements that draw me in, that piss me off.

For example, our instant paranoia, our LETS NOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT that we have been raised to remember- if anything, its a resulting cynicsim from the Nixon days...But its terrible. D: Our obsession in television, and our transfer of that onto real life of who is being 'real' or 'fake', our constant questioning of what is realy 'truth'.

But even with this in mind, even with our constant fury at being lied to-
we take it. We eat it up. We thrive in being lied to. While we will bitch about the lies, we still, in some way, want a fairy tale sugar coated distortion of truth.
And its not like you can blame anyone- Who really wants to be unhappy with hurtful truths? Who really wants to acknowledge the final dirty honesty?
Are we really that desperate to avoid the problems the truth possesses that we have to lose ourselves in stories?

And then...even then- it just comes back to the first point, we come right back to protection, to not believing, to insecurity. With shows like Tila Tequila, people will root for their favorite person to win, and be entertained by people's failures, and amused by people's departures. We will sit and watch, and belittle emotional moments, watch on with hollow laughter.

These shows allow us to make a mockery of what to me, is huge- rejection.
Who the hell are we to care over other people's hurt, if its not even real? And for that matter, why should we care at all, in the outside world, or inside the idiot box?

Fine, I may be taking this a bit more seriously than I should
LOL,  ALOT.

But te main thing that triggers me to go on and babble, is that sense of connection...
Real or not, and well acted....
There has to be inspiration for the acting.
So, in seeing these people hurt, we disattach ourselves so much, yet place so much odd hope in them that they're real...
That is just goes and fucks with us. D:

Yes, I'm generalizing, and tying in a mutal symphasizing way of thinking.
But fuck you. xD This is my blog, I'll write it the way I want. xDD

The point is, what made it ok to go and stop being human?
What made us want to hide our true selves?
Why do we have such a 'behind closed doors' attitude?
Why is it we have to go and act so badass and tough and strong, and yet, we still hold that childish hope, that fabricated dream of better times so close to our hearts?
Why do we get off to other people's suffering so much?
And in that, why is it that 'normal' society frowns upon Dommie and Subbies use of that same thing? (I'MALEAVETHATBITALONEFORNOW)


Maybe I'm so sensitive to this all because I myself am rejecting everything that I was raised to think about love. Despite my mother's wanrings, I grew up a romantic.
It doesn't matter that I consider myself a hopeful cynic, the hopeful is still there.
I know the dangers, I know the pains...So much so. that I've numbed myself off in utter fear, and cling so desperately to only feel lust now

I got sucked in to the Reality TV crap for that very reason.
Its fucking manipulating....D:
Dur Sasha.
No kidding.

But I'm still, for whatever reason, shocked.
Well, not completely shocked.
Because I still have my cynical side to back me up, and convince me how we're all just shitheads with nothing better to do in life but fuck each other over.
Its what we've proven to be good at.

But for some strange reason.

I still think we can do better for ourselves.
That we can let go of our fanataciscm with truth or lies, of this or that-
And take the blindfold off our faces and get down and live eventually, and accept the emotions we have as parts of us, not as weaknesses or anything to take advantage of.

........
.....
*face palm*
who am I kidding. D: