When you dance with a grizzly bear, you'd better let him lead...

 

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets...

 

There dare days when no matter which way you spit, it's upwind...

 

When you starve a tiger, the tiger starves last...

 

Whatever it is that hits the fan, it will not be evenly distributed...

 

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose...

 

Reality is a crutch for those who can't cope with fantasy...

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Three Little Words That Work !!

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have
ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish
him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

 

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

 

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

 

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

 

6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

 

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

1) What does the average Arkansas player get on his SATs?
          .........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?
          ..........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
          .........Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a Florida State graduate off your porch?
          ..........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?
          .........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
          .....Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of a Miami (Fla) football player's life?
          ..........His freshman year.

(8) How many Oklahoma freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
          ..........None. That's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
          Durham, North Carolina. He knew that the police would never look at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY

(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
          .........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer..