I couldnt figure out how to edit a past blog and as I was looking through them I realized that my Tapestry of Life blog was far overdue an edit. so here it is again but with many corrections and not so hard to read version...

The Tapestry of Life....

The Tapestry of Life is woven by fate, guided by the all knowing and loving hand of God. Its pattern and design is incoherent and yet that of indescribable elegance and beauty in both the simplest and deepest level at the same time. The weave pattern is as varied as the color contrast and hue. Each thread is obviously intertwined at very specific and purposeful places, lending their emotionally color stained parts of life to the enigmatic beauty of unfathomable design.

The Tapestry is so finely woven that the individual threads are almost indistinguishable from another. The emotions of one thread at times magnanimate through the surrounding threads both in intensity and graduation. At other times just one thread creates an extreme contrast evolving a new section of pattern. The hue, saturation and luminosity of color is a testament to the individual thoughts, intentions, deed and emotion of each person's life thread; love, anger, compassion, attitude, honesty, benevolence, lust, greed, selfishness, and servitude.

The closer I look, the more I begin to see the deeper purpose in the design. I find my thread and begin to fallow my life line. The color and placement tracks my life perfectly and with each color, blend or contrast I can recall my life from infancy to present day. I begin to realize how much my life affected others from my darkest to brightest hour and also how my life was in turn affected by that of others. The largest patterns chronologized the affect of world events describable only as the eye of a storm and the ripple in a pond.

Given this rare opportunity to see the intricacies of God's design I found I could not control myself, I was flooded with questions faster than I could ask or remember them. "God, how is it that the Tapestry does not get cluttered?" He explained to me the importance of the circle of life, how the life of one at its proper place is tapered and the addition of a fresh thread was intertwined.

He pointed to some threads so short they barely seemed to exist. I learned that they belonged to infants, the stillborn, and the aborted. I was about to ask what the point was in cutting a life so short when I realized the Tapestry told me. The pattern's colors and contrast were testament to the impact those short lived lives had on those around them. As I marveled at the intensity of color and brightness the affected lives became I was compelled to ask; "God, is this why bad things are allowed to happen?" As he smiled my heart told me I already knew the answer.

God knew that I had just learned the truth for myself. If no one sinned, if no one misdeeded another then the Tapestry would be flat in every way imaginable. The colors wouldn't be as bright from hope, love, compassion and the soft gradating affect of understanding. That’s why Satan didn’t want us to have free agency, to choose between good or bad choices.

"God, how is it that we have free agency if the Tapestry is woven by fate?" He explained to me that fate only brings us to the trials in our lives, but we have the agency to react to those trials in our own choosing. Fate gives us those trials to give us the power to grow. It made sense, if we didn’t have trials in our lives the Tapestry and therefore the beautiful story and enrichment of our lives would be meaningless and flat.

I stood there in silence marveling at it all, my inquisitiveness placated. God put his hand on my shoulder; I knew it was time to go. I began to choke up; intangible emotions welled up from within and surrounded me. I didn't even have to ask...

God told me I would see the Tapestry of life when I was finished contributing to it. In a fleeting moment of fear I stole a hasty look at my life line. I could see the fear in my color, then as fast as the feeling came over me, my thread turned a shimmering silver blue. I lost the desire to see how far off my thread's end was for I had faith in God's design.

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Ramblings

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Imagine what hell is. What a person may fear instead. What I fear is not what you fear. Hell is your fear.  I do not fear your hell. I fear your heaven. Heaven is my passion, Hell is my fear. Is my heaven your hell? 

The fallowing is an email forward I recieved from a friend. I am posting this because I believe many points in it and am not racist in any way. Too many people these days fail to recognize what real racism is and try to use it as an easy out on thier problems in life which is wrong no matter what color you are. If you turn the lights out we are all the same color.

PROUD TO BE WHITE

This is great.  I have been wondering about why Whites are racists, and no other race is. Proud to be White Michael Richards makes his point...

Michael Richards better known as Kramer from TVs Seinfeld does make a good point.

 This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act. He makes some very interesting points...

Someone finally said it... How many are actually paying attention to this?

There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc. And then there are just Americans.  You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.

You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,'  'Whitey,' 'Caveman' ... and that's OK.

But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink ... You call me a racist. You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you... so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Yom Hashoah. You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi. You have the NAACP. You have BET...

 

If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) we'd be racists. If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.

If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives we'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.

Wonder who pays for that??

A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships...You know we'd be racists.

There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US .

Yet if there were 'White colleges' That would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights.

If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it.

But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist..

I am proud...But you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists??

There is nothing improper about this e-mail...
Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on.
I sadly don't think many will. That's why we have lost most of OUR RIGHTS in this country. We won't stand up for ourselves!

BE PROUD TO BE WHITE !
It's not a crime yet, but getting real close! 

I think the reason I don't write blogs very often is because its my own version of a life diary, which for some reason I don't feel the need to write bout unless something within prompts me to. This is one of those times...

5 am and something is very out of place, I am woken up by my covers being pulled off of me. when my covers fall off of me its always to the left since I sleep on the left side of the bed, I think that is what woke me up the fastest, my covers being pulled to the wrong side of the bed.

I am immediately awake and see a dark, tall and stalky figure there pulling my covers. His size and shape clearly indicated he did not belong in my room, let alone my apartment. "Who the fuck are YOU?" I half shouted, half asked. The figure made a weird grunt sound. He didn't make any real movements at first, just some strange grunting noises. I started to get the idea that he had some sort of speech impediment and he didn't seem to be immediatly dangerous who ever he was.

I put my glasses on as he started to half guesture, half try to say something. It came out as only one word, one very hard to understand word amongst strained grunts that apparently were unsuccesfull attempts to speak. "door", "open" (I think was what he was trying to say), these were the only two words I could make out the entire time. He was trying to get me to fallow him. Feeling he wasn't dangerous  I was more confused than frightened or pissed off, I got out of bed and fallowed him to my front room. When I saw the front door was open like he indicated a wave of fear swept over me, my CATS! Were they here? Did the go outside? I called for them and the man indicated to my cat on the sofa. I kept calling and told him I had two cats. With releif I spotted my other can comming out of my room, a bit bleary eyed herself.

After a quick survey of the apartment noting nothing obvious was missing I checked outside the door (why is it we do that any way? do we really think we will find some one running away or something?) Finding everything ok I tried to ask the man the reason why he came in. I am at the top of the stair well in my building and there is no reason any one would come to my door unless it was for my apartment. After a few attempts to question/understand/communicate, I concluded the strange but harmless and well meaning man had gotten the wrong appartment. Wether my door was open and he came in to let me know or he simply got the wrong apartment and left the door open I will never really know. I suspect the former is the case. Either way he smiled and left.

As I tried to get back to bed my mind was racing, I was wide awake and having ADHD (hyperactive mind) did not help. One of my earlier thoughts was the realization that I had verified my cool. I had affermed to myself that not only I felt I could calmly deal with a crisis, but I had proven it to myself with out trying, it was my natural responce. I just as easily could have yelled, cussed, threatened him or even killed him (as a panicky-threatening-intruder situation), but I didn't react in any of those ways. I tried to calmly understand (especially in this case) and deal with the situation rather than jumping to conclusions or letting primal fear rule me.

A meriad of metaphors for tthe whole situation flooded my mind...
Was it a life wake up call?
Am I relying on my cats too much to fill the void of family?
I feel that people with strong or extreem impediments are often put on earth to inspire others so was it a angel of god telling me to wake up metaphoricaly?
Was it nothing more than a harmless mentally handicaped man that got the wrong apartment?

Girlfriend Application

What Is Your Name?

When is your birthday and how old are you?

Where do you live?

What kind of music do you like?

Do you drink, smoke, or do any other drugs?

What do you like to eat?

Is there anything that you dont like eating?

Do you like water parks?

Do you like roller coasters?

Do you like animals?

On a scale of 1 to awesome, what would you rate me?

Do you like guitars or any other instruments?

Do you like ice cream? What flavor?

Do you have a good sense of humor?

What are some things you like to do for fun?

What kind of movies do you like watching?

Would you say that youre a truthful person?

Do you like going to parks?

Where are some of your favorite places to go?

Are you cool?

Do you know how to dance?

Do you like long drives?

Are you good looking?

Am I good looking?

What kinds of things do you NOT like in boys?

Are there any sports you like, or interested in?

Do You like cartoons?

What is your biggest flaw?

Do you think that you are creative?

Why did your last relationship end? Be Honest.

Is there anything else you would like me to know about you?

It was sunny days till you turned my heart in to blackened night, carving and chopping like a blender from hell you took my hopes and dreams and showed m my shell. It's not your fault you love me so but to show me my pain of love and compassion I melt through the floor. Down through the beams of support and strength I find my true self lost in isolation. Can't you see I am not like you, never knowing heart or mind that spawned from your disillusions of self worth and worldly cares. My emotions surge forth like a long dormant volcano, exploding with heat from unknown love and forgotten hate. I thought I was over and out of that hell but you placed me into my now known shell. I am lost with utter confusion. I hate you not but thrive in the confusion. I feel alive only in torment and pain but run from it every chance I get. With each step I take another day gone by. Years of pseudo love and realized hate filtered through, what am I what have I become why am I so emotionally dumb, I have known love only once drunken in paradise lost I find myself drifting when I thought I was not lost. knowing something was amiss I realize that my only life lies within emotional hell, the inability to feel without pain. Why am I so alive when I fall into anger and pain why can't I feel alive day to day?

Thinking I am ok, having a handle on life and myself is the lie that I mask over myself, to myself, every day. I am like my father, why do I have to be like my father, secret of darkness of my family lies with my father. don't make me be like him, I dont want to see the pain again. The terror of knowledge thrust inside my emotions through my fingers drive. why am I alive whats the point to me being alive. Even now I comprehend. knowing the pain it would cause to my unknown friend. my own funeral wouldn't even care to attend. get me to hell as soon as I can I want to live again. I want to feel alive like at am a man, I've me horns and a malicious hand. to render the flesh of those who inflict, for those who made me who I am, for those who know not what they have done let me tear them asunder and enjoy my fun. let me pull off my own skin and help me to see the me with in. fell my flesh fall to the ground, get to the insides spilling all over the street. my skeleton awakens and I have become the true form of my feelings lost and undone. The passion of pain will soon subside as all emotions ebb and flow, do not doom me to my shell the place I am lost in is with the blissful undead. don't send me to my grave, my unholy grave. I want to live again in swirling pain. the agony that lets me know I am man. the cost of living day to day is the loss of emotional life that happiness keeps at bay. my only solace is miles away, months away, years away. my last day as a man was over a decade away. kick me hurt me. Smash my life to peaces whatever you do, JUST DONT HEAL ME