Im starting to think that i will never truely be happy. Why is it so hard for me to saay good bye to him? And why cant i just face the fact that he picked her and not me? How can someone love you but not want to be with you? i just dont get it i guess. the las two weeks i have been doing nothing but crying and stressing out oer this whole situation.

Please explain to me how everyone in his family hates me? Acording to some people i planned this baby.No i didnt plan to be pregnant at 20, and no i didnt do it to trap Josh. If that was my plan than obviously i was stupid because things didnt work out in my favor. I love josh with all my heart. i was told i would NEVER be able to have children.so when i found out i was having a baby with a man that i was in love with, yes ill admit i was happy about it. I love this baby, and i wouldnt give her up for anything. Im sorry if that makes me a bad person to want to be a mother...i may not ever be able to have a baby again.

I want to Apologize to anyone is Joshs family who i may have offended. I would personally apologize but thats not possible since they have blocked me from their emails. I have no idea why any of you hate me or why there was a need for you to accuse me of tricking josh into getting me pregnant. I may have been wrong for the way i treated you or katherine...but it seemed as though everyone was against me. I want you all to know that i love josh with every bit of my heart and i would do anything for him. He knows that. If being with kate makes him happy than he can be with her, im not going to stand in the way of him leading a happy life. But i will not pretend that i dont love him and that i dont want to be with him. Ive loved him for nine years, and weather or not he wants to admit it, i know that somewhere he still loves me.

ok i guess thats it. i jst really needed to clear things up. Im not going to live a lie, im not going to sit here and pretend to hate josh just because my family does. thats not right. hes the father of my daughter, and i will always love him. We made maddison out of love and thats something that none of you can take away from us.

i dont know what im doing. or why i put myself through all this pain all the time. my heart is breaking and i honestly think that this time its not going to mend itself back together.

this boy, and nothing short of amazing. when im with him im so relaxed, and everything just goes away. how can you be so attached to someone after just a few days? how can u feel so attracted to someone and have that much of a connection? why does everything have to always be so hard.

i think god hates me.when things get bad, they always get worse. to the point where i dont know what im doing anymore. why do i even try to be with anyone? why do i put myself out there like that? its always so hard, and i just make things worse on myself.

is there a point in time, where ur heart has broken for its last time...and it just refuses to mend itself back together? i hate this, i just want to be with him....and further more....i hate florida even more. fuck florida, its taking everything away from me....first nicki, and now him. i hate it.

why does he have to leave, i dont want him to. i wish i could make him stay. how can two people want to be together so badly....but cant?its not fair. i just want to be with him and lay in his arms....two months just seems too soon..and i dont want it to come.

im losing the most amazing boy ive ever met.....

This Is For Her


This is for all the girls who understand that they aren't perfect.



& Neither are the guys that they are interested in. This is for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, wisper or touch because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe, just maybe this time

He'll have understood.

This is a homage to the girls who laugh loud & often. Who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't even deserve their attention.. This one's for the girls who you CAN take home to mom but WONT because it's easier to sleep with some whore than it is to foster a relationship. This one is for the girls who have been ~ LED ON ~ by words and kisses and touches - all of which were either true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head, their heart & their bed only to discover, "He's just not ready" - "Hes just NOT over her"..

He's just not looking to be tied down.

this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that he doesn't want you, it's that he doesn't want anyone.. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and hopes shattered by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place. This is for the nights spent detecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech.

For the nights when you've returned home alone.

Or the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, standing a little too near, or wispering a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence. FINALLY having realized that it wasn't that he did'nt want a relationship, it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night something bad happened in his world and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back the right way then perhap's he would realize that he already had YOU.

This is for the "I really like you so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation that he never intended.

This is for realizing that just like you chose your friends, you chose the ones which eventually make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the girls who have been USED and ABUSED and ENDURED what he was giving because atleast it was something. For the stupidity of the nights we believed that something was better than nothing. Though his something was nothing we had ever wanted..

THIS IS FOR THE GIRLS WHO HAVE BEEN SATISFIED TOO LITTLE AND WHO HAVE LEARNED TO NEVER EXPECT ANYTHING ANYMORE AND FOR THE GIRLS WHO DON'T THINK THAT THEY DESERVE MORE BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN CONDITIONED FOR SO LONG TO ACCEPT THE SCRAPS THROWN TO THEM BY GUYS.

This is for the hugs you've received from your girls. For the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and that you are truely worthy of a great guy.

This is for the heartaches and the headaches, the laughter and the tears. How you love and hate him and wish he would just die even though you know, you feel you would die with out him.

This one, is for us girls..

This is for the girl who does not strive to be perfect for the world.. but strives to be perfect for you. This is for the girl who still sees everything she ever wanted wrapped up in everything you are. This is for the girl who still remembers the first thing you ever said to her.

This is for her, the one who wants nothing more than to be there for YOU and LOVE YOU the way she knows only she could.This is for the girl who sees a little bit of you in every guy she meets. She sees these similarities because she looks for guys who possess them, although it may very well be an unconcious thing. She seeks guys like you, but still knows deep down in her heart that no one will ever compare. This is for the girl who stands idly by, watching you fall in and out of love with girls who aren't her.

This is for the girl who has tried everything in her power to make you see yourself as she sees you. This is for her.. the one who relates every sad song, book, or movie to the way she feels about you. This is for the girl who knows your flaws and values them as much as see values your strong points.

This is for the girl who can't bring herself to hate you, although you probably deserve it.

This is for her, the one girl who had the courage to give you her entire heart, knowing full well that you would only abuse it. This is for the girl who realizes that all of her efforts are in vain, but cares so much about you that she still manages not to regret A SINGLE MOMENT spent with you. She realizes that she will never have your heart, but she will carry the image of you inside of hers forever. This is for that girl.

She still cries herself to sleep, but lets you think she's okay just so you won't have to feel a bit of guilt. This is the girl who sees in you everything you can not see yourself. She sees everything that you can be, and everything you arleady are. She sees all of this and she loves you anyway, even though you wont love her back.

This is for her ; she deserves it

heres a little message to the stupid little boy that THOUGHT he was a man...

-when i tell you that i want a relationship and not to hurt me....you DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES tell me that you like me and then after you get what you want, u tell me "ur not over her "

this is fucking bullshit. im tired of all these idiots lying to me. why do i believe them? i just cant take it anymore, i swear to god...im going to lose it. i just dont understand...what is it that is so wrong with me that everyone hates me. or just wants to sleep with me/fool around with me and then tell me they just want to be friends.

am i too nice? i just dont get it. why do guys want to be with girls that treat them like SHIT....when im here....willing to love them...and all i get is walked all over.I JUST CANT TAKE IT!!!!! im just gunna work, and shop and spend time with my real friends....since evidently i cant seem to find an honest guy.

FUCK YOU

ok so heres the deal....

im out of high school now. and you would think that people would realize that its about time they grow up a little.ha but that would be asking too much.

DO peopel not realize that once they are out of high school and they graduate....thats it. no one gives a shit who u were in high school....you have to start all over again. so why not take the hint and fucking grow up?

and further more....if you have been out of high school for a year or more, and ur still causing stupid petty fights or talking shit about people....u are honestly an idiot. grow up!! its so idiotic and it makes u look dumb urself. get out of the phase and realize that no one gives a shit what u have to say about them anymore.its a waste of ur breath and of ur time. so give it up.

and for all u girls that talk shit about me....

get a life, i dont think uve gotten it yet...but i could really care less about any of you. ur all just a waste of space. heres a tip for you. stop making fun of other people, and spend ur time on something productive. or better yet, if al u have to do with ur time is make fun of other people, then u are obviously depressed urself. so how about you get some counciling or something and STOP CRYING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!! everyones life sucks at one point or another...so get over it. or find someone to help u cuz honestly its dumb to just sit there and complain about ur life.

so ive been getting yelled at for not posting new blogs.

so here it goes.

the only reason why im even writing one of these things is because im bored out of my mind and i really dont want to do my gov. homework.haha.

my boyfriend and i have to move out of his parents house in about 9 weeks. which will be no fun at all, but i guess that just means that we will be able to have parties whenever we want to haha.

so i guess because i have a picture of myself in my bikini top im now a slut/pornstar. ok ya know what im sorry that i want to show off my body. i worked real hard this summer to lose alot of weight. whats wrong with wanting to show it off a bit.

and ok heres a news flash for everyone ((my boobs are HUGE)) so yes they will stick out in every picture i take. uggg. ok i think im done. i just had to get that off my back.

so i pretty much am done chasing after boys.

im pretty sure it makes me seem crazy, and that scares them away. i found a date for kents homecoming....but i still need one for tallmadges. if anyone would like to take me let me know :-). but im just really kinda sick of all the mind games that have been going on.and im done telling boys that they are amazing and then just having my heart broken. theres not much left of it to break.so heres the deal...if you like me you will have to let me know...because im not doing anything about how i feel. im not telling boys that i like them or i think that they are cute. there will be alot less heart ache that way.

1. Name:

2. Age:

3. Birthday:

4. Do you drive:

5. If so, what do you drive:

6. Why would you be a good boyfriend:

7. Have you ever cheated in a relationship:

8. Would you stay up with me all night and watch movies:

9. What kind of music do you listen to:

10. What school do you go to:

11. Finish these lyrics: I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week
Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum:

12. What kind of girls are you into:

13. How many people have u had sex with:

14. What would our first date be:

15. Are you spontanious:

16. Do you work? If so where:

17. What color are your eyes:

18. Who would be ur celeb. dream date:

19. Are you a hopeless romantic:

20. Who is ur idol:

21. Would you call me "just because":

22. Would you kiss me in the rain:

23. Have we met:

24. Final comments: