Well, this year is starting to get better. I'm out of the house 90% of the time. Meeting new people, getting in trouble, and acting stupid.

I'm tring to figure out what happened last night, I know that I was blacking out, so I need Stroll to fill in the gaps. But I think I scared him when I got manic. So it's alot of me thinking about what I was doing. Anyone that reads this and was out there, I'm sorry for ruining the get together. I know why I got manic, but I figured nobody really cared so I went off by myself so I wouldn't ruin everybody's fun.

I'm having fun overall, even with Faye laid up at the moment. For those of you that don't know, Faye is my car.

Funny story here, I was hog hunting at 150mph. You can see the damage in one of my albums. I sliced that pig in half and slid for 1/2 a mile.

Nothing else is really happening. Other than my parents telling me that I shouldn't be hanging aroud the people the I talk to. I don't care what anyone says about some one, they need to talk to them in person before they say shit about them. I don't go on word of mouth, I really don't like talking on the phone much either. Well, I don't mind talking to certain people on the phone, but I'd still rather talk in person.

People in Hollywood/Miami are going to know me before long. I've spent at least on night a week driving my cousins to clubs. I have fun, so I don't mind being their chauffer.

My cousin died last week. And it hit me rather hard. People can think what they want about me, but I was avoiding being over there because I didn't have any french fries if I would have gotten manic.

I'm bored right now, Stroll, I doubt will make it out here. Nobody to talk to. So I'm going to pop my last fry and have a skrewdriver. Time for me to think about life. When I find out what I did, I'll post it up so all 5 of you people reading can know.

 

(actually my blog count is over 3K veiws. Am I really that interesting?)

Dad, I know your going to read this, so ask Josh about getting choked out the other night at the casino.

 

Later.

Huh. Well, it started well enough, I guess. New Years Eve was spent downing some Goose by myself in S. Dakota in a hotel room. Followed by taking a 30 min. stroll in -20* weather. When I finally did make it back to Florida, I missed the drivers party in Coconut Creek. I have people to hang out with now. And I found out that I lost weight. Then I find out that some asshole who'll remain anonymous for now, started a rumor about me.

So, my cousins decide that they want to see snow. So we head to N. Texas where there was supposedly snow, and there wasn't. Then we decide that we'll just go north until we find it. Then we hit K.C. Missouri, and decided to go to S. Dakota to see the babysitter, who's home for the holidays. (No it wasn't my idea, I didn't put subliminal messages in anyone's mind because I was crushing on her) We were supposed to party in the hotel to welcome the new year, and everyone goes to sleep at 11 o'clock. WTF?? I didn't want to drink by myself. I don't care if I'm the only one drinking, but I wanted to talk to someone. No one picked up there phone when I tried getting ahold of them.(assholes) I ended up talking to one of my younger cousins. Turns out she's having problems with her boyfriend. I told her that if he isn't making her happy that she need's to leave his punk ass. But she say's that she "loves" him. Then I find out that he hit her. That fucking made me mad. Who the FUCK does he think he is? I don't care if your playing. If you hit a girl hard enough to hurt them, you've gone too far. I don't want to seem like I want them to break up, because it's not my decision, but if it doesn't make you happy, the don't do it.

On my way back to Florida, still thinking I could make it in time for the drivers party, I ask some one to go with me. And, while I expected it, which is why I never asked before, the response was, "No, I do not want to hang out with you." I knew that it'd somehow insult them to ask, but I needed a designated driver, and everyone else I knew was in Oklahoma for Mike Fish's funeral. I have no delusions of grandure, I know what I am, what I look like, and how I act. It was her decision, and she made it. Although, I thought she'd ask "why" first, and carry on the conversation. Maybe that's why I like her. Because she say's what she thinks. But I felt like a creep after that reply, so I interacted with her minimally after that.

I found out that I lost 43lbs since November, which is unhealthy, but made me happy for half a day. That's ~21lbs a month!!! I don't really feel any different, but numbers don't lie.

It only kept me happy for half a day because I found out that night that someone started a rumor about me. According to said rumor, I "felt up," a girl during Thanksgiving while I was drinking. My brother knew for 2 weeks before I made him tell me WTF he was talking about. So I tell him to call her and ask her if I did that. Some of my cousins were sitting there when I told him to. He obviously thought that I had, since he didn't come out and tell me, and since he didn't want to do it infront of everyone. If I did something like that I'd like to fucking know. I wouldn't want anyone to feel less than what they are worth because I did something so low. So he calls her and she confirms that I didn't touch her, and that she'd like to know who's saying that shit. And my punk ass brother wouldn't tell her, which also pissed me off. The girl is hot, and I wouldn't mind trying my hand at her while we're sober. I can't stand the way people talk about her the way it is. And when I ask them why they say this shit, the say, "it's just what I heard." If you want to talk shit, you should at least talk to them in person first. And just because they did some stupid shit in the past doesn't mean that it shoud haunt them forever.

Do I really come off as the type of person that would do something like that? Why wouldn't they confront me about it? Ya'll obviously had to believe that I'd do that if you wouldn't ask or tell me about that.

And another thing. Even if I did, who's business is it of some asshole that tried to cheat on his wife with the nanny? Which I feet bad about, because I feel like I put her in that position. He asked me to get her, I figured that one of the kids needed to be attended to, and I woke her up and sent her in there. Then I find out the next morning that he tried to sleep with her, and that she felt ashamed. I really do feel like it's my fault. I feel like I helped him try to mess with her. I wanted to tell her sorry, but I was too ashamed, I guess. Now I wish I would have gone to Los Coco's for her going away dinner, so I could tell her, but she probably wouldn't have even listened. Since she probably would have thought that I'd be trying to hit on her.

But that's been my thought lately. "What kind of person do people see me as?" I must come off as a pretty deplorable guy for 3 out of the 5 people that I messaged that night (that replied) said that they knew about the rumor for 3 weeks. I may be an atheist, but I do have morals that I stand on. Like as follows:

1. I won't get in the way of someone's happiness. I don't care if it means me being depressed and alone.

2. I won't hit on or try to mess with a girl while I'm inhibited, or they're in inhibited. I don't care how hot they may be.

3. I'm not going to tell someone to stop believing in god. If believing in a diety make you happy, then I'll follow rule one. But be prepared for an in depth explanation if you ask me why I don't believe in one.

4. If you do something, good or bad, you better be ready for the consequences. Don't try blaming someone else for your fuck up's.

5. NO SNITCHING!!! I don't care what it is that I know, I'm not going to tell anyone anything, unless it's about me, or involves me. And even then, the number of people I'd talk to could be counted on one hand.

I guess there is alot of time left in this year for things to start looking up again. I'll see, since I have nothing else to do.

That's all for now, since my buzz is wearing off.

Until next time, "Later Bitches!!!"

-James

While most people see the new year as a time for change, I never see anything change. People make resolutions like they are going to follow through with them.

I'm not going to change myself for anyone. Why can't you accept the fact that I am a person too? I may have an inferiority complex, but I am still human. I want to be happy, but I can't do it if someone else may end up feeling bad. I hate being alone, but at the same time, I feel comfortable with my misery. The way I see it, I'm only miserable because I know I can better my situation. I'd like to be more outgoing, but I might come off as creepy.

After alot of thought, I've decided not to ask a certian girl to go with me to my awards banquet next Thursday. I only see it ending bad for me. If she were to say yes, I'd feel akward the whole time, since I've never done anything like that before. If they were to say no, I'd end up being uncomfortable around them, and quickly look for an exit. I'd end up trying to avoid confrontation, then end up looking like a shy bitch to everyone. While I may be depressed, these past couple of months have made me happier than I've been since 9th grade. I may be "the shelf in the room," but atleast I'm wanted here. They've made me feel like I may be worthy of asking her out. That it wouldn't insult or offend her. But in still afraid I might have a bad day thm someone might think that it was over a girl. While she may be worth it, I'd just make me seem that much more creepy.

Also, its probably in my best interest to just be friends with her, since I can't even imagine myself having sexual relations with her, or anyone for that matter. That's the reason I've been celebate these past 6 years. Its not that I can't find a piece of ass, its that I feel so undesirable that I can't get it to my head that its their desision to like or dislike me.

When I make it back to Florida I'm going to start muy thai training again. Its probably just a reason to beat myself up, but I feel I may need it in the future.

I'll post pica of the aftermath.

-James

So I decided to revise this. It was too long and jumped all over the place. This time it should stay in order.

But first...Josh!!!! (brother) I forgot you knew how to read!! Also, if you keep talking shit, I'm going to have to hurt you. I don't need to hear a comment after everything I say coming from you. Bastard.

I've fixed my car just now. Dumbass Eric ran over my foot, so now I'm in excruciating pain. (you wouldn't know, but trust me it hurts.) It's probably karma that my foot got run over. I've been too selfish as of late. While I may be feeling happier, I'm more than likely causing more damage to those around me than my small reprieve is worth.

Anyway, I replaced all the things I destroyed on the car, and put the 2 10"s back in. I'm going to try her top speed again some time this weekend.

The future of my car is looking bleak. Since I have clint now, I've put everything on hold indefinately. I'm still saving for the RSI twin turbo system, but if I have to use it on clint before I put it in the car, then that's just the way it is.

So I've thought over my current situation. Considering everything that's come up since Thanksgiving. Clint, my car, my social life (have a laugh, it really is funny coming from me), and my responsibilities in general.

Over Clint. I'm going to have to bust him up one day. He still thinks that he can do what he wants. He doesn't even understand that he was kicked out of my dad's house. He pisses me off to the point that I want to thrust my hand into his gut and rip out his organs.

On the other hand, he's now my responsibility. It's insane how much pressure I'm under. I actually tried to "off" myself the day after he was put in my custody. I don't want to be responsible for ruining his life. I ruined mine already.(or neglected it to this point) I want him to succeed on his own, but some ones already planted fruitless seeds in his mind. He's so stupid.

I don't have a social life. Well, I guess I do, with my car club, and racing. But I'd like to find some one though. I say I don't need one, but that doesn't mean I don't want one. I've thought about my current infatuation, (which, I know, is totally one sided) and my last one. The last one, I just couldn't get over the fact that I'm disgusted at myself. Sure she accepted me for who I really was, but I just couldn't get over what I am. Over what I percieve myself to be in other peoples eyes. Sadly, I still can't. And the new one, I feel like if I ask her out, that it'd somehow insult and degrade her. (I think this is my inferiority complex coming into play again.) If she complains about everyone else who's the "creme de' la creme," then why should I think that I've got a chance? Josh (one of my few real friends, not my brother) has almost talked me into asking her out anyway. Of course he isn't the only one. Eric and Brandon have also tried. Pending further thought, I'll decide if I'm going to ask her to go out some time. (I seriously doubt I will though. Just from my observations, she's just really laid back, and isn't interested in anyone, or anything, except ......that my be a little too much info)

I'm probably just going to ignore myself again, and forget about what I want. I know if I were to make a move and get rejected, that it really wouldn't affect me, but if have another bad day, and do something stupid, they might feel responsibe. I'd hate for some one to feel like they are responsible for my actions. I want my actions to reflect on me alone, and not have people thinking I did something to myself over some one, or something else. If I mutalate myself, I want people to realize that it's just because I have issues. (most self-inflicted)

Man. I think I took a wrong turn. I'm really not so depressed at the moment, I'm just overanalyzing my thoughts.

I'm going to have to live at least 2 more years, since I'm responsible for my brother, but it's going to be hell on me. I'm probably going to have more bad days than ever. I'll be more secluded and emotionless. It'd be nice to talk to some one in person, but it would just fall on deaf ears, and I'm not going to waste my breath.

I don't want to end this blog all depressing like I usually do, so here's some good new's from the foggy and twisted world know as my head:

I'm 2 overall for the Mopar Challenge Series at Moroso this year. I'd say I'm awesome, but all that means is that I'm the first looser. : )

Look for the next one after the new year. It might be by request only, depending on what my condition is.

Auf Weidersehen,

-James.

 

Also, while it doesn't make sense coming from me:

"Be happy, be happy."

 

     My car is for sale, starting Feb. 15. It's going into the shop for oil/trans/diff. oil change, air filters, and other minor things the first week in Feb. Just got new Rear tires, 1100 dollars, yep I've been broke for 3 weeks now because of them. The Driver side window doesn't work, and you have to open the door with the emergency latch only.

 

    If no one gets the car before the end of the month, I'm going to trade it off. The buy off of the car is $27,000. Which means that I only have 2 years left to pay on it if I kept it.

Hello All!!!

It's been a while since I posted a new blog. Since June I believe. My computer broke on June 30th, I took off to N. Carolina on August 1st. I returned to Florida for a week then took of on the 20th to Las Vegas, where I lost all my money. Came back and spent two weekends in Orlando, spending money, of course.

I wrote while I was in N. Carolina. the 1st chapter is what was in a dream, the rest of the story is my imagination working off of the dream. I'll post it up here soon. My car is still running barely, more like a quick jog. I love my car, but it is hard to keep up with it. I'm gonna try to trade it off soon, I'm going to start looking for a new car. I think I'll get a CTS-V.

Well not much else going on, so when I get a chance I'll update my profile and my blogs.

 

Auf Weidersehen,

 

James

So, Im finally 21!! Other than legally buying alcohol, nothings changed. At least Ill remember this birthday, my father wrecked my moms new car, and we sat on the side of the road North of Daytona for most of the day. I dont know what to buy myself. I usually buy what ever I want, when I want. Maybe Ill splurge on a couple anime statues.

Speaking (typing) of anime, I am planning on going to Anime Festival Orlando, July 26-8. I think Ill save my money for that, never mind; I just remembered that Im going to Las Vegas on July 20. Ill just use what money I have left from strip clubs, casinos, and hookers. Im just kidding about the hookers. XD I plan on getting a tattoo while in Las Vegas. Maybe Ill get one of Knives from Trigun, or Chidori from FMP.

I had an old reoccurring dream last night. I can control what I do in my dreams so it never goes exactly the same, but it always ends in me being dissected by Leprechauns. I know weird, right? Anyway, they are holding me and a score of other people in cells, in a huge ass Circus tent. One of them opens the latch on my cell, so I knock the shit out of him, and take off running. I get near the entrance, and one of them throws a meat cleaver and chops off my leg. So, Ive only got one leg, I crawl, towards the exit, I open the door and realize it is just an entrance to an even bigger tent. In this tent there are about 12 examination tables, all of them covered in blood, some still have body parts on them. I crawl under one of them to try and hide, they pass by me and I go to sneak out of the room when they pick me up. They strap me to an examination table and start to cut my chest open. Im still conscious when they pull my liver out. I pass out for about a couple of minutes, when I open my eyes, I see the saw just cutting into my forehead. They Fucking Lobotomize ME!!!

Thats just how it went last night. The first time I had this dream, I picked up the cleaver they cut my leg off with and started hacking away at the first leprechaun that came near me. But instead of dieing, the little fucker just turned his multiple parts into more leprechauns. Like asexual reproduction. I know Im really fucked up, but who the fuck dreams of stuff like this?

Well, thats about all the interesting shit thats happened to me since the last one. So, Sayonara, Ciao, Auf Wiedersehen, or whatever.