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THE HICKEY UNDERWORLD



Last Updated: 12/24/2009

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Status: Single
City: Antwerp
Country: BE
Signup Date: 3/31/2006

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Friday, December 25, 2009 

Everybody seems to be making Best Of lists at the end of the year, so we decided to do one of our own. To paraphrase Georgios T., ‘Wasnaptenaani?!?’

BEST T-SHIRT: GEORGIOS’ ELEPHANT T-SHIRT

Georgios: ‘It’s got a picture of an elephant on it. Wasnaptenaani?!? And on the back, there’s a picture of THE BACK OF AN ELEPHANT!!! I don’t know if they have a Nobel Prize for T-shirt design (didn’t Nelson Mandela win one once, for that classic ‘I’m With Stupid’ shirt? I’m pretty sure he did) but if they do, my fantastic, XXL, constantly-soaked-at-the-pits Elephant T-Shirt would take first prize for sure. Wasnaptenaani?’

BEST CATCHPHRASE: ‘WASNAPTENAANI?’

Jimmy: ‘We had a few very popular catchphrases in the band this year: I think I’ve screamed ‘Da’s Wa A Moeder Gisteren Oek Zee!’ about 8000 times in 2009, whether it was appropriate or not. But for sheer annoyingness, I’ve got to go with Georgios’ ‘Wasnaptenaani?’ Much like it’s deviser, it’s loud, boorish and not too clever. The only thing I don’t like about it, is that it’s kinda long. And guess what? DA’S WA A MOEDER GISTEREN OEK ZEE!’

BEST HIGHWAY SNACK: GEHAKTSTAAF

Georgios: ‘I love how simple, yet daring, the Gehaktstaaf (translation: Mince Stick) is in it’s design: basically, it’s just a stick, stuffed with rancid, grayish minced meat. It’s not just a snack; it’s a statement, you know? An overpriced,  colon cancer-inducing statement, available in almost all of Holland’s highway stations! It’s also the only roadside treat I know of which looks better coming out than going in. You should see my post-gehakstaaf feces: there’s like little works of Greek ass art. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it. Wasnaptenaani?’

BEST WEBSITE: TNAFLIX.COM

Younes: ‘When I recently turned on my laptop, I noticed I only visited three websites this year: Flabber.nl, Ogrish.com and TnaFlix.com. Of all the three, TnaFlix.com is definitely the most informative, most frequently updated and most user-friendly. I know, I know –Jonas will probably tell you Cliphunter.com is the better, more thorough XXX search engine. But the Cliphunter thumbnails don’t move in real time when you click on them, now do they, Jonas? Nor does Cliphunter offer the option of searching by just Male Performer, which can come in handy when all you REALLY want to see is Lexington Steele’s mighty 12 inch horsecock destroy some 18-year-old Yugoslavian model’s sphincter.’

BEST MISSPELLING OF A THU SONGTITLE: URMNSTR

Jonas: ‘I admit our song titles aren’t the easiest to spell or pronounce, but why can’t those journalists just copy/paste them from each others websites, like they seem to do with their interview questions and album reviews anyway? Take ‘Future Worlds’ (found on vera-groningen.nl): that’s not a song title, it’s a bad sci-fi paperback with naked elves on the cover for fat nerds to jack off to. Another fascinating missspelling is ‘Blind Fire’ (last.fm), which sounds like an early nineties B-movie starring Rutger Hauer as a blind kung fu plumber ridding the world of mutant sewer rodents (possibly played by Ice-T in a furry suit). But my favorite has got to be ‘Urmnstr’ (noxa.net): our song ‘VRMNSMR’ is supposed to conjure up images of an idyllic lake surrounded by weeping willows, with the orange evening sun reflecting on the clear, rippling water. Instead, when I read ‘Urmnstr’, I imagine a piss-stained, rat-infested alley somewhere in Poland, where middle-aged perverts go to get their pale, underdeveloped penises sucked on by diseased transsexuals named Bambi. It’s… Just not the same, you know?....

2:31 PM 
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Wednesday, December 09, 2009 

For most bands, touring is a wild, sexy adventure, as well as a way to bring the different band members closer together. Not so for THU, currently on tour through Europe (well, Holland, plus some really boring bits of Germany). ‘You’d think these other c*nts would be grateful,’ growls drummer Jimmy Wouters, referring to his proposal to double as the band’s driver on the band’s first real musical roadtrip. ‘But no, all they do is bitch and moan: ‘Jimmy, why don’t you have a driver’s license?’ ‘Jimmy, should you really be drinking bottle after bottle of Martini Bianco while driving?’ ‘Jimmy, shouldn’t we go back and check on that kid you just ran over?’ Whine, whine, whine. I mean, did B.A. Baracus have a driver’s license? Or that guy who tried to murder the Dutch Royal family with his Suzuki Swift on Queen’s Day? Lighten up, people –IT’S JUST ROCK ‘N’ ROLL!’

Georgios Tsakiridis, too, seems rather dissapointed by the whole touring experience. ‘Until this tour, I never realized how OLD these other f*cks actually were,’ sighs the fun-sized bassplayer, who celebrates his 14th Deosjit Babaca (Greek for ‘birthday’) next month. ‘All they talk about is politics, relationships, and the soul-crushing futility of the human existence in a Godless universe. When I try to change the subject to one of MY favorite topics –feta cheese, sleepy porn, or T-shirts with funny pictures of elephants on them- they just stare at me blankly, as if I was some retarded, pitiful man-child. Frankly, I wish I was in Freaky Age.’

For frontman Younes Faltakh, it’s mainly the lack of privacy that keeps him from fully enjoying the life on the road. ‘Unlike some of these other stuck-up b*tches, I’m extremely comfortable with my own body. I just like to be naked: sleep naked, party naked, drive naked, pick up peanuts with my anus naked (though not the salty ones, ‘cause they tend to cause serious ring sting). I’m seriously considering replacing the others by those three drunk girls that stripped naked in Scheldapen last month: granted, the music probably won’t be as good, but at least they won’t look at me funny when I throw crazy animal shadows on the hotel room wall using just my hands, my penis and my extremely elastic scrotum.’

There’s one thing Jimmy, Georgios, and Younes all agree on, though: they all hate guitarist Jonas Govaerts and his ever-growing batch of obsessional neuroses. ‘It’s true, I have a few personal travel quirks,’ smiles the Xanax-addicted c*ckmuncher. ‘For example, while driving, I just HAVE to count every streetlight next to the highway –out loud, at the top of my lungs, or else it doesn’t count. I also have this thing where I have to click my teeth whenever we pass under a bridge, and run around the van thirteen times every time we stop for gas -backwards, clutching a little piece of purplish velvet I secretly cut out of my late aunt Katarina’s casket liner. Also, when sleeping in a hotel, I like to stare at the person lying in the bed next to me, and breathe in and out at the exact same time they do. Some people tend to get a little nervous when I do that: in fact, for the last three weeks, the three others have all volunteered to sleep in the van together. Whatever, you know? I mean, more Pay TV for me! Sweet, sweet Pay TV…’....

7:20 PM 
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Sunday, February 08, 2009 
The tracklisting of The Hickey Underworld’s debut album has recently been leaked online, despite serious efforts of the band to keep all details under wraps until the release on 09/03. The record is said to contain a total of 13 songs, plus one hidden track. A source close to the band has revealed that THU’s debut is in fact a concept album, dealing with esoteric themes such as ‘The Evolution of Telecommunication’ and ‘Monophonic VS Polyphonic’. Also, the album might or might not contain guest appearances by underground artists ‘A. Motard’ and ‘Achmed TDT’.


1. ‘Drunken Ghost Vomits’
2. ‘Countdown Galactica’
3. ‘Erkek Orgazmi’
4. ‘Laughing In A Cave’
5. ‘Unheimlicher Wind’
6. ‘Mr. Patel’s Flute’
7. ‘Fluffy Laughs Empty Battery’
8. ‘Techno Pinguin’
9. ‘Lars Relnicht’
10. ‘I Like To Muh Muh’
11. ‘Homo Badmeester (Grappig)’
12. ‘Pick Up – Or I Kill You’ (feat. Achmed TDT)
13. ‘Fart -Extralong’
Hidden track: ‘Knetterbek Van Goeiemoggel (Impression)’

4:18 PM 
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Friday, February 06, 2009 
From the moment The Hickey Underworld landed their precious record deal last week, friends, family and colleagues have noticed a drastic change in the band members’ behavior.

‘Before he got famous, Younes swore to me he would always stay true to himself, never sell out, and never forget where he came from,’ says Raouf Faltakh, the singers three-year older brother and current roommate. ‘But when I called him up to congratulate him on the deal, he told me to ask his manager for a ‘Meet & Greet’ and hung up on me. Later, when I got home, I found out Younes had turned the house into a giant VIP area: I now have to buy food stamps every time I want something from the fridge, and I can’t go into the living room unless my name, Schecky Rapapouzenol, is on the guest list.’ Shecky who? ‘Rapapouzenol. Younes’ entertainment lawyer has informed me it is now illegal for me and my family to go by the name of Faltakh, so I officially changed my name to Shecky Rapapouzenol. Look for me on Facebook!’

Guitarist Jonas, meanwhile, seems convinced the record deal has somehow transformed him into an irresistible pussy magnet. ‘When I first met Jonas, he was a socially handicapped, if essentially harmless, creep,’ says Caro Montenegro, waitress at Lander’s Hol, the band’s favorite Antwerp bar. ‘You know the type: stands by the wall, says nothing, stares at your chest all night and then staggers home. So imagine my surprise when, just a few days ago, he asked the bartender to turn down the music and yelled in my face, ‘For God’s Sake, Caro, STOP EYEFUCKING THE SHIT OUT OF ME! It’s getting embarrassing!’ A few hours later, when my shift was over, he followed me into the toilet, whipped out his pale, pathetically small manhood, and said, in the worst Al Pacino voice I’ve ever heard, ‘Say ‘ello to my leedle freend!’ Naturally, I maced him in the face. When I left the toilet, Jonas was on the floor, grabbing the ankle of a girl changing a tampon in the next stall and whispering, ‘Ever had unprotected bathroom nookie with a bonafide rock star?’ I thought it was downright sad.’

Even fellow musicians feel a change has come over the once-sympathetic fourpiece. ‘I used to jam with Georgios all the time,’ says Django Van Sprundel, drummer of the Antwerp post-rock outfit Vagina Eyes. ‘There were even plans to record a 5 track demo –real lo-fi, you know. But when I arrived at rehearsal yesterday, I found out Georgios had pawned away my Ludwig drum kit to buy himself a life-size Darth Vader costume from eBay. When I tried to reason with him, he yelled ‘I FIND YOUR LACK OF FAITH DISTURBING!’ and jammed the plastic handle of the lightsaber up my rectum. A most unpleasant experience; I poop from there, you know.’

The only bandmember seemingly unaffected by THU’s success is drummer Jimmy Wouters. ‘I can honestly say Jimmy hasn’t changed one bit since we first met in Kindergarten,’ laughs childhood friend Fritsjof Mathijssen. ‘He’s still the same soft-spoken, steely-eyed sociopath I remember from juffrouw Karens class, where he tried to strangle me with my Snoopy blanket during naptime. The other bandmembers may have turned into assholes along the way: but Jimbo, God bless his heart, has always been a douche. Fritsjof out!’

12:52 PM 
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Monday, January 19, 2009 
(SPOILERS!!!)

0’10’’: Will Smith calls up the barman from ‘Cheers’ (not Ted Danson, the blonde one) and laughs at him for being blind, a vegan and a virgin. Then he hangs up.

Georgios: ‘I got it -Will Smith is playing the role of an insufferable asshole, actually meant for Rob Schneider! Surely, that is the twist of the movie ‘Seven Pounds’.’

0’26’’: Turns out Will Smith is actually an inspector for the IRS, who audits people with financial problems. He helps out a cute black chick with a heart disease by freezing her accounts. But when a white doctor asks for the same favor, Will grabs his head and puts it through a glass window.

Jonas: ‘I got it –Will Smith is playing a racist! A big-eared bigot who hates white people and only helps out black people. Surely, that is the twist of the movie ‘Seven Pounds’.’

0’50’’: It’s the middle of the night. Will Smith breaks into the cute black chick’s garage with a big bag of tools, and starts banging away at her broken-down printing press with a hammer.

Jimmy: ‘I got it –this is actually a remake of ‘The A-Team’, ‘Saw’ and ‘Blindness’, all combined into one film! Think about it: Will Smith is playing a character who likes to fix mechanical shit in garages, like a skinny, Mohawk-less version of Mr.T (from ‘The A-Team’!). He builds a contraption that will rip out the black chicks bad heart and replace it with a good one (like in ‘Saw’!). The reason he can make so much noise without anyone noticing, is because the whole world has suddenly gone deaf (like in ‘Blindness!’). Surely, that is the twist of the movie ‘Seven Pounds’.’

1’34’’: Will Smith lies down in a bathtub, fully clothed. He’s got a jellyfish with him.

Younes: ‘I got it –‘Seven Pounds’ is actually a sequel to ‘I Am Legend’! Only, instead of a trusty dog, he’s got a trusty jellyfish. Who kills him. Surely, that is the twist of the movie ‘Seven Pounds’.’

2’20’’: Will Smith dies, and donates his heart to the black chick, his eyes to the barman, his asshole to the fat Mexican hotel owner and his massive black penis to the little bald black boy seen briefly at the beginning of the film. They’re all happy –until the jellyfish poison kicks in, and they each die a horrible, painful death.

11:57 AM 
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Wednesday, November 19, 2008 

Category: Music
Dear All,

Much to our delig​ht,​ those​ sharp​ly-​dress​ed,​ hard-​party​ing gentl​emen from dEUS have invit​ed us to open four shows​ for them in Franc​e next week.​ Thoug​h this sever​ely fucks​ up our plans​ for the end of Novem​ber (​namel​y,​ addin​g 12 year-​old girls​ as MySpa​ce frien​ds,​ prank​-​calli​ng that chubb​y blond​e chick​ from '​Louis​ Louis​e'​ and mastu​rbati​ng to 'All Saint​s'​)​,​ we'​ve never​thele​ss decid​ed to take them up on their​ offer​.​ Pleas​e check​ our MySpa​ce for the exact​ data and venue​s.​

Also,​ if anyon​e knows​ a good place​ to crash​ in Paris​ (or Borde​aux,​ Toulo​use,​ Luxem​bourg​ or Nancy​ for that matte​r)​,​ pleas​e let us know,​ '​cause​,​ like usual​ at the end of the month​,​ Papa THU is fucki​n'​ broke​,​ yo!

Love,​
The Hicke​y Under​world​
2:47 AM 
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Thursday, August 07, 2008 
BRAINSTORM

Wat zou je eerste daad zijn als hoofdredacteur van P-magazine? 

 

Michael Schack onmiddelijk zijn eigen column geven, getiteld 'Prutsers, Profiteurs & Ongetalenteerde Muzikanten' 


Ben je een romantische ziel? 

 

Hey, je kan 'straatverbod met onmiddelijke ingang' nu eenmaal niet spellen zonder 'romantiek'. 


Wat doe je absoluut niet als je met vakantie bent? 

 

Tenzij het écht écht écht niet anders kan: mijn reet afvegen met bladeren. 


Zou je nog kunnen overleven zonder GSM? 

 

Nee, en al helemaal niet zonder de privénummer van Joeri van Idool (tel.: 0474/32.27.**)


Wat is het eerste dat je over jezelf vertelt, na je naam? 

 

...En ik dacht écht dat hij achttien jaar was, Edelachtbare!

 

Wat moet je van een vrouw weten voor je met haar de lakens deelt? 

 

Hoe laat haar man VJ Sean thuiskomt. 


Wanneer heb je voor het laatst intensief gesport? 

 

Toen VJ Sean onlangs onverwacht vroeger thuiskwam en hij mij drie straten achterna zat. 


Onlangs nog een goed boek gelezen? 

 

'Prutsers, Profiteurs & Ongetalenteerde Muzikanten', de verzamelde columns van Michael Schack.


Heb je de laatste weken een spannend avontuur meegemaakt? 

 

Zwerver doodgereden (Younes), 's nachts ingebroken bij Ella Leyers en de cryptische boodschap 'Toast My Fuck' gevormd met de magnetische letters op de ijskast (Jonas), keiharde duimkramp gekregen nadat ik zes uur non-stop Fifa Soccer 2004 had gespeeld (Georgios), een wolk gezien in de vorm van een andere wolk die ik ongeveer een week daarvoor had gezien (Jimmy).


Wat is je ergerlijkste eigenschap?


Ten allen tijde grappig willen zijn.

 

Hoe eet je liefst je ei 's ochtends? 

 

Rauw zoals Rocky. 


Hoe hou je een relatie spannend? 


Rollenspel: VJ An speelt zichzelf, Younes, Jonas, Georgios en Jimmy spelen VJ Sean, en VJ Sean speelt de geknevelde, hulpeloos toekijkende echtgenoot. 


Welke is de vreselijkste trend die je ooit gevolgd hebt? 

 

Inline skating (Jonas), plastieken trollen verzamelen (Jimmy), abortus (Younes), barebacking (Georgios).  


Wanneer laat men je best met rust? 

 

Tijdens en vlak na het masturberen. 


Wat vind jij de beste uitvinding aller tijden? 

 

Rohypnol (Jimmy), De Slam Man (Younes), feta (Georgios), de functie 'Wis Geschiedenis' op mijn Mac (Jonas) 


Hoeveel kan je drinken voor je dronken wordt? 

 

1 fles witte Martini (Jimmy), anderhalf glas Piedboeuf (Georgios), 10 (Younes), twee à drie ademstoten van de zanger van Charlie 45 (Jonas).  


Je mooiste vakantieherinnering? 

 

Die keer dat ik net mijn reet wou afvegen met een paar bladeren, en mij plots herinnerde dat ik nog een rol WC papier in mijn rugzak had zitten. 


Wanneer is liegen volgens jou toegestaan? 

 

What happens in 't Stadspark, stays in 't Stadspark.  


Wat is voor jou de beste film aller tijden? 

 

'El Fuego' van de Belgische cultregisseur Benny Benoit. 


Met welke laatste woorden wil je niet herinnerd worden? 

 

...en zijn computer bleek tsjokvol kinderporno te zitten. 


Wat is voor jou het ultieme rock-'n-rollgevoel? 


Aan de toog van Kassa4 in de adem van de zanger van Charlie 45 zitten. En dan later in de WC vloeibare xtc, LSD,  crack cocaine, speed, bruine, peyote, shrooms en 'gekke sigaretten' doen met Tom Barman. 


Als wie zou je er graag uit zien? 

 

 De Slam Man (Younes), een plastieken trol (Jimmy), Katie Holmes (Georgios), Jimmy met haar (Jonas)


Wat is je meest absurde fantasie? 


Mijn broek optrekken tot boven mijn reet (Jimmy), mijn pet afzetten (Younes), deftig gitaar leren spelen (Jonas), een vrouw doen klaarkomen (Georgios). 

 

Stel: je mag kiezen in welk tijdperk je gaat leven. Welk kies je en waarom? 

 

Dinotijd. Twee woorden: minuscuul paard. 

 

Met welke god wil je wel eens gaan stappen? 


Met Allah, want hij is groot en machtig en heeft ne piet van ne meter tachtig

 

Wat is het beste album allertijden? 

 

'Leef Je Leven' van Roy Aernouts. 


Magere Hein komt je halen. Wat zeg je hem? 


Peter, waarom heb je destijds Joyce De Troch bedrogen?

 

Vul aan: "Als niemand kijkt, dan..." 


...zijn de Paranoiacs waarschijnlijk juist aan hun optreden begonnen. 

 

Als er een film over jouw leven gemaakt wordt, wat voor een film wordt dat, hoe zal die heten en wie speelt jou? 


Dagen Zonder Haar (deprimerend Vlaams drama met Peter Vanden Eeden als Jimmy), Kebab Panda (slecht getekende animatiefilm met Benny Claessens als Georgios), Coco Anaal (pijnlijk ongrappige sekskomedie met Rocco Siffredi als Jonas), De Nektasjez Dief (stille Italiaanse klassieker met Lexington Steele als Younes).

 

Stel: er zit een huurmoordenaar achter je aan en biedt je de keuze hoe hij je gaat vermoorden. Wat kies je? 

 

Kogel in de schijter.


Welk gevoel vind je vreselijk? 

 

Zie hierboven.


Welk gezelschap is erger: iemand met een onfrisse adem of met een zweetgeur? 


Geen vragen over Jimmy's vriendin aub.

1:23 AM 
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Thursday, August 07, 2008 
Chris Dusauchoit: big in belgium, envied by many, excellent in his work, good-hearted soul, ugly as hell... everybody knows Chris loves all humans and animals alike. He recently proofed this again, standing up for the abandoned children of Bulgaria, trying to change the terrible, terrible situation these children are in. Invoking all the artists and the other great minds of our time, Chris managed to persuad the hickey underworld in showing their support. "ofcourse I support mister duseuqua!!" says drummer Jimmy "The Bulgarian situation is appalling! I should know because I did my internship in Bulgaria." Thinking back on his Bulgarian days jimmy specifically remembers the work conditions of the guards. "They where just brutal...the conditions I mean. Imagine getting paid less then 1euro each day, while your home-made Dubrozinktsjzdfez beer you drink at work costs 0,9 euro to make. You do the math. No really, you do it!!! It doesn't make sense that trained zoo-keepers, like those gentlemen, get paid so little... it just doesn't make any sense.". Guitar player Jonas on the otherhand shows his love for another reason: "Last year our bassplayer S. Weyler got arrested in Vietnam for reasons unknown. Another backlash for the hickey-crew... We didn't know what to do. Untill we put out an add in poppunt and mister Dusausage responded. He said he knew a Greek who could "shred" better then BenYounesRapistKidFromMauro'sWorld. Only problem was: the guy was, because of his looks and foul manners, mistaken for an abandoned child.". It's a funny story how they got the Greek released, but Jonas tries not to laugh when he tells it "...and the pope said "Only if the horse isn't his!" hahahaaahhaaaahahahaaaa!, you know what I'm saying, right?" Singer Younes proofs that the abandoned children are not only good at music: "ofcourse I support mister Dusoda!! But my support is mainly for the national abandoned children team. They all are just geniuses at my favorite sport: rocking back and forth naked on a cold floor for as long as you can, or how fanatics like to call it: "rocking-out". I mean those kids are just like... wow. Once they get in that zone, there is no stopping them!" Younes also started a special fund for the team. "I ask the olympic committee to acknowledge rocking-out as an official sport. So once it get's approved, we can send them to the Olympics! Those kids need dreams man." The hickey encourages you to show your support by visiting www.tbact.org...because these kids need dreams man.  
1:13 AM 
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Sunday, May 25, 2008 

The Rishdan Rapists, a semi-professional 'kurash' wrestling team from Rishdan, Uzbekistan, have chosen 'Cowards Keep Walking' by The Hickey Underworld as their next themesong. 'Kurash is a form of upright jacket wrestling, practiced since ancient times,' explains THU-drummer Jimmy Wouters. 'I hear there is even an effort to include Kurash in the Olympic games. And by 'effort', I mean the Uzbek governement has written a letter in bat piss and goat feces, and stuffed it in an enveloppe with a crude drawing of the Olympic rings on it instead of an adress. We'll see how that goes.' The hummable tune will replace 'Kutingga Skeyby' (translation: 'Fuck Your Ass') by Uzkbek hiphop artist Dilshod, after the only copy of that song got destroyed during the regrettable Drunken Monkey Riots in 2007. 'As I understand it, a few hundred drunken monkeys appeared from some trees near the newly installed Rishdan sports stadion, and smashed everything in sight: the Playskool cassette player, the rusty toilet bucket, even the broken-down manure kart reserved for the VIPS,' sighs THU-singer Younes Faltakh. 'Apparently, the damage ran up into the tens of dollars.' When the Rapists came knocking at The Hickeys' door, asking for permission to use their music during future wrestling matches, the Antwerp-based rock ensemble didn't have to think twice. 'Much like baseball, upright jacket wrestling is a very popular and commonly known sport in Belgium,' clarifies THU bassist Georgios Tsakiridis. 'I know at least three or four people who have heard of it. I assure you, money has nothing to do with it!' So, exactly how much cash do The Hickey Underworld stand to earn from their deal with the Uzbek wrestling team? THU-guitarist Jonas Govaerts: 'Instead of money, each band member will receive a live chicken, a set of comical fake teeth, a lifelong pass to the popular Rishdan theme park Horse Sex Land, and a button with the slogan 'I'm A Rapist' on it. If you ask me, I think this is the smartest move The Hickey Underworld has ever made.'

2:39 PM 
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Monday, March 24, 2008 
Kevin ’De Keffe’ Mortelmans, organizer of small-but-sympathetic West-flemish summer festival Cheap Wooden Crate Rock, has decided to drop ’balding has-beens’ The Hickey Underworld from his line-up, and replace them by ’young-up-and-comers’ The Paranoiacs. ’It was a question of credibility, really,’ says Mortelmans. ’The Hickey Underworld are an okay band –I really loved their single ’I Think I Like You’, for example- but they’re nothing compared to a class act like The Paranoiacs. They almost won Eurosong, for God’s sake! And Katrina from Katrina & The Waves said she ’loved their sound’. Who am I to argue with Katrina? Besides, I had to act fast. I’d heard that my biggest rival, Bert ’Zotten Berre’ Cleymans from Dried Up Cow Shit Rock, had just made the Paranoiacs a very tempting offer: 16 euros, a crate of Leffe and a new cover for Rafkes ironing board. So, the Hickeys had to go.’ With THU out of the way, Mortelmans is convinced his line-up is impressive enough to compete with big Belgian festivals like Dour, Pukkelpop and Werchter. ’Let’s see, who else have we got? Liquido: very hip band from Germany, I predict great things for them. Dog Eat Dog: I hear they’re HUGE in the States, so I’m quite proud to have them come over. Cross-over metal is the next big thing, trust me. Tito Rios: Gabriel Rios’ cousin, slightly retarded but still very musical. I’m forced to keep him in my shed until the festival, because there’s something wrong with his papers: I think he ate them, or something. That Tito, he’s quite a character! Oh, and Staf ’Vettig Stafke’ Mortelmans, my uncle, will be doing stand-up comedy in between the shows. His act has been compared to Alex Agnew, except Stafke is a 65-year old convicted paedophile with a speech impediment. Like I said, only class acts this year!’
2:02 PM 
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