-I really like rap music but I feel like it's devolved a lot. It used to be this expression of outrage over being in an unfair situation but now it just seems to be people listing things that they own.    A song will be like: "Yo yall check this out! I have a Mercedes and a mansion and a pool and a jetski, a nice watch..."

"Yo man have you heard 50 Cent's new album?" "No, how is it?" "He's bought so much new shit."

-You ever have someone do something shitty to you and then they'll bring up something shitty you did that's not nearly as bad as what they did?  "Dude you burned my house down." "Well, what about when you returned my shirt without washing it? I guess we're even now."  "That's not even near what you did."

-I was on the train and it got delayed and the conductor made an announcement: "We're being held at the station because the police are holding an investigation at the next station. When they are done we'll proceed."    We're gonna wait until a police investigation is done? That sounds like it'll be months.   That's like saying; "We're being held at the station by a guy studying for the bar exam. When he's passed the bar we'll proceed." "That sounds like it's gonna take awhile." "We're also being blocked by parents raising their children. When their kids are old enough to get their own place the train will proceed."

-I love it that when rappers star in movies  they use their rap name in the credits. They're playing another character and their name in the credits is a made up rap alias.   No one else does that.  No one goes by a character name they played in the past.  It'll never say; "This July comes the movie of the summer with an all-star cast; Barbarino and Forrest Gump. Directed by Meat-head."

-Someone called me last saturday at like 9am and I was in bed and half asleep when I answered the phone and they started like reprimanding me for not being up yet. You ever have someone get mad at you for not being up just because they're up? They're like "What the hell?! You're still in bed?! It's 9am! I already went jogging and played tennis! Why are you in bed?" "Ahh...because I'm not you. Why do I have to be up because you're up? Why do I have to be like you?"

I don't do that. I don't call up people and get mad at them for not doing what I'm doing.  I don't call people at 3 in the morning like, "You're asleep?! Why aren't you drunk and masturbating to the weather channel while crying?! I can't believe you're not me you asshole!"

-The new M. Night Shymalan movie that's coming out keeps being pushed as his "first R-rated movie." How is this supposed to make me go see this? The problem with his previous movies hasn't been the rating it's been that the movie sucks dick.   In this one am I gonna be like, "Man this sucks but at least everyone's saying 'fuck' over and over."

How desperate is he getting?  After his last movie were the studio execs like, "M. Night, dude, you're next one better at least have boobs in it to distract everyone from your shitty writing."  If this one bombs he's gonna have to take it even further.

"This summer M. Night Shymalan presents his first movie where a midget fucks Jenna Jameson in the ass."

-When I was in the 6th grade I was voted "class clown", not because people thought I was funny but because I was an alcoholic and everyone was afraid of me.

-Humans are the only animal that will show mercy on other animals when we're hunting. I know people that go fishing with their friends and then just throw back everything they catch.  You'll never see a shark do that. A shark won't grab a dude by his bathing suit and then just let him go unharmed. You'll never see a bunch of bears getting drunk and then grab you and pull you back to their bear den and just set you free. "Man those bears were cool.Thank God they were only hunting human beings for sport."

-I've noticed that when I'm searching for wireless internet that people seem to get way too specific and personal abot themselves whent they're naming their internet connection.  It'll be like "SODOMY MASTER 200" or "JEFFREY DAHMER TOO" I'm like "who the hell am I living next door to? I thought this was a good neighborhood." 

The police should use this to catch criminals. Just search for wireless internet connections. They'll show up to some dude's door. "Are you 'I KILLED TUPAC'? We're also gonna need to talk to your roommate 'I ROBBED KEVIN O'MALLEY'S APARTMENT LAST NOVEMBER'" "Damn! Why did I get so specific about who I am on my internet name!?"

-Sometimes I'll be listening to a song and in the song there will be a sound that for a second I think isn't in the song. The other day I was listening to a song in my car and there was an ambulance siren in the song and for a second I was like; "Is there an ambulance behind me? Oh no, it's in the song." Then I heard a song where there was a dog barking and I was like; "Is there a dog behind me? oh no, it's the song." Then I was listening to a Phil Collins song and I was like; "Is there someone sucking behind me? Oh, it's just Phil Collins. For a second I thought I was being followed by the shittiest musician that has ever lived."

-I've noticed that the nicer a strip club is and the hotter the strippers there are the less you're allowed to have any contact with them. I just heard about this strip club where the strippers are so hot they don't even tell you where it is, you just mail your money to a stripper's PO Box.

-I saw an article on the cover of People magazine titled  "the world's richest kids!" They show 15 year old Miley Cyrus smiling.  I think a better title for this article would have been; "Hey Tom, just in case you weren't feeling shitty enough about your life, here's a story about 14 year olds who are doing way better than you are." What's next? An article about a puddle of dog urine that makes more money than me? 

-They say you should keep your friends close but your enemies closer. I agree with that which is why I'm moving in with my girlfriend. Because we hate each other.

-Sometimes after I do a show people will come up to me and tell me how funny they thought I was and to try and convey just how much they liked me they'll tell me that I was so funny that it caused them pain. They'll be like; "Dude, you were so fucking funny, literally my face hurts. My friend was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Seriously, you were so funny that I'm unable to have children now. You were so good that my girlfriend hung herself."

-People always say that if you drop acid and then watch 'The Wizard of Oz' with the sound off while listening to Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon' that it syncs up perfectly. Yeah of course it does, you're on drugs. People always act like it's this mystical magical phenomenon that it syncs up.  It's not mystical, it's because you're on acid. When you're on acid everything syncs up perfectly, that's why so many people are so into drugs. When you're on drugs 'Dark Side of the moon' also syncs up perfectly with staring at your oven for three hours.

-They say that the people you hate the most the reason you hate them is because you see qualities in them that you yourself have.  I guess that’s why I hate Brad Pitt so much.  I think it’s true though because I hate the guy who’s fucking my girlfriend when I’m out of town.  And now I know exactly why I hate him. And I also hate the guy who’s always masturbating on my couch.

-I think that how bad your breakup is is in direct proportion to how gay the music you listen to while you’re getting over it. I went through a breakup a couple  months ago and I was listening to ’Right Said Fred’ and  a CD of sounds of dudes blowing each other. It was a really bad breakup.

-I was reading about how Jared Leto gained 70 pounds for a movie role. Whenever an actor does that they always make such a huge deal of it, like its some huge feat that they got fat.  Gaining weight is not difficult. It’s like the easiest thing in the world to do.  When people I know gain weight I’m not impressed by it. "Have you seen how fat Steve is? It’s incredible. How did he do that?" 

Being an actor is the only job where people praise you for gaining weight at your job. If you get fat at another job people just think you’re a fucking loser.

Also being an actor is the only job where you can get fat and make yourself ugly and blame it on your job. "Well I’m doing a movie where I play a fat ugly loser." That doesn’t work in other jobs. "Why am I so fat? Well I just got a job as a compter programmer."

Also when hot actors make themselves ugly for a role everyone praises them for being so brave. But when someone’s just ugly all the time everyone just hates them.  "George Clooney it’s so admirable that you made yourself ugly for a month I really commend you.Here’s an Oscar nomination" "Oh my God, look at that guy over there who’s just ugly all the time. What a fucking asshole! Let’s go kick him in the balls."

-In the show ’Flavor of Love’ women compete to date Flavor Flav.  Their prize is dating Flavor Flav. That’s like having a competition where the prize is having a wolverine bite your dick off.

-Human beings are really fucked up. We’re the most psychologically damaged animals. You never see any other animals as psychologically screwed up as we are. I’ve never been in the forest and seen a slutty bear blowing thirty bears at a party because she hates her dad.

-P. Diddy has this new slogan he’s trying to get off the ground. "NO BITCH ASSES" I guess he doesn’t want any ’bitch asses’ around him. I feel like that’s just kind of implied with everyone that they don’t want to hang out with bitch asses.  When I meet someone I feel like they  automatically just know that I’m not into hanging out with bitch asses. Do you really need to voice that?  That’s like coming out with the catchphrase; "I DON’T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE SHIT ON MY BED" or "NO STABBING ME IN THE NECK".

-Quarterback Tom Brady said that he approaches problems in his life the way he solves problems on the football field. That sounds like not a very effective problem solving technique.

"Tom, the house is on fire! Do something!" "Okay. Field goal."

"Tom, my grandmother’s having a heart attack, why do you keep throwing footballs at her face? And take off your shoulderpads. This is not the time."

"Yo! Gimme all your money or I’ll shoot you in the face!!"  "Time out."

One night in 1990 I was out with some high school friends of mine. I went to Laguardia's Performing Arts High School in NYC. I was friends with a bunch of grafitti writers and we were young teenage boys in New York City whe it was much different then it is today. Back then New York City was actually a scary place where there was a good chance you would get stabbed when you went outside. Those were the good old days. Now it is overrun with a bunch of people who have moved here and have tried to become some idea of the New York hipster intellectual even though they are from Jersey or some shit. Not that there's anything wrong with Jersey but there is a new breed that has moved in and made themselves into this idea of what a person from New York City is supposed to be. Needless to say everyone I grew up with in Manhattan is nothing like these people. One night me and five friends of mine, one of them being a guy named Adrien Brody, were walking through the upper west side I think on the hunt for some party we had heard about. We needed to get to the east side and someone suggested we walk through central park. I definitely did not want to walk through central park mainly because whenever I had seen a movie wherein someone gets mugged in New York it was invariably in central park, plus this was soon after the infamous central park wilding incident of 1989. Since we were all young males and no one wanted to look scared we headed into the dark and desolate and none too welcoming collection of brush. I remember not being able to see much and praying that we would get out of there alive. I had visions of people in hockey masks just waiting in the trees with chainsaws and machetes.

We walked at a much slower pace then I would have liked and everyone kept going out of their way to show that they weren't at all scared in the least. We were almost at the other side when I started to feel like we were going to make it out okay when up ahead coming towards us on our same path was a posse of about 10 to 15 dudes who looked like they were out in the park for only one reason, to start some shit. Fear pulsed through my body as I almost started to hyperventilate. One of the dudes I was with said quietly, "Don't look at them just pass by. No eye contact." The posse got closer and I simply stared at the ground as we walked right past them. I heard them say things like "Yo, who the fuck is these bitches?" "Yo snuff em man." I was expecting to be "snuffed" at any moment. I didn't really know what that entailed but I assumed it was not a pleasant experience. We actually got past the posse and I could see the exit from the park like an oasis. I walked a bit faster when behind me I heard some interacting going on. I turned to see Adrien, who had a cast on his leg and a cane to walk with talking to a guy from the posse that had just called us bitches. The guy was saying, "Yo man what happened to your leg man?" Adrien responded "I broke it man." "Word, let me see that cane." "Nah I need it." "Why? You could walk without it." "No I can't" "Why not?" "It's hard, you ever break your leg?" I was amazed that these two were having such a lengthy conversation in the middle of the park in bleak darkness. Suddenly the guy grabbed Adrien's cane and started hitting him with it. Adrien took off running, even with his cast on. I took off too and sprinted out of the park. I ran a good two blocks after I emerged and finally I slowed down and turned to see who was behind me. I was drenched in flop sweat and out of breath but I could have run all the way to westchester at that moment. I think if I ever run a marathon, directly before it I'm gonna hire a guy to chase me with a knife the whole way. I will break the fucking record.

Two of my friends caught up with me. "What happened?" I asked. They got Todd one said. "What?" "They grabbed him and started punching him." "What about Adrien?" I looked and saw Adrien limp jogging towards us. "Yo wait up." He said. "What happened?" "The dude took my cane and tried to hit me and I took off." "Where's Todd?" someone asked. No one answered. A minute later we saw our friend Todd walking slowly and crying. His face was dirty and his hands looked sort of scratched up. "What happened?" "They all grabbed me and started punching me. I think one of them had a rock. I think my finger might be broken." We sat him down and decided to take him to a nearby hospital.

It was late by the time we got to the emergency room and we had all had it. They finally saw Todd after like an hour and they were bandaging his hand. Adrien fell asleep in the waiting room and we were all outside. Todd came out and someone I was with thought it would be funny if we just left without waking up Adrien. I thought it was stupid but I had to get home. That's a big thing young guys like to do to each other just dick each other over all in the name of fun. I got a cab and went home exhausted but feeling like I had had some sort of adult initiation. I had braved central park after dark and run into dangerous foes and survived unscathed. 

The following monday I ran into Adrien in the hallway and he looked none too pleased. "Yo you and your boys left me." I had no idea what to say. "Really? I left before them and they said they were going to go get you in the waiting room. I just went home." "Word? Well then I'll go ask them what happened." I really hadn't ditched him but I still felt bad. I saw him later and he told me that he talked to my friends and that they said that they were looking for him and that a doctor told them he had left so they left. He bought this story and that was that. I always thought it was funny though that at one point some friends of mine played such a mean sprited prank on a guy who would one day win an Oscar and become one of the best actors of his generation. I guess he got the last laugh. That must be the ultimate revenge. "Oh you ditched me, well I'll show you, I'll win an Oscar someday! That'll show your asses!!" I almost feel like the Halle Berry kiss thing was just an attempt to rub it in their faces even more.

-People keep telling me to buy that game 'Guitar Hero', but that sounds sort of irresponsible. I want a game with a little more security like "Law School Hero". My dad keeps getting on me to buy that one.

-I read about this dude that killed all these people and cut them up. They interviewed his neighbor who gave the usual answers: "He kept to himself and he never bothered anyone." They always say 'he never bothered anyone.' Really? What about the guy he beheaded and then skull fucked for three months? I think he bothered him a little bit.

-You ever go to a store and they don't have the thing you want there but instead of just admitting it they'll say, "Yeah, they don't make those anymore." I'm like, "No, I'm pretty sure they still make toothpaste. You just have a shitty store.

I'm gonna start using that strategy in situations with women. "Do you have a condom?" "No sorry, they don't make those anymore."