OK so I got up today and decided to run some errands, got in my car and it started imidiately!  woohoo!  BUT Then tragedy struck.  I put it in drive, and a weird scraping noise ensued, but i persisted forward.  The scraping had sounded like when you park over the edge of the curb, and it scrapes a bit, but this didn't stop as I moved from the assumed curb.  So I hit the breaks...which were non existant.  NO BRAKES!  What the heck!!!! Toby the dog must have taken my car joy riding while was in the UK!!!!  So car goes in the shop yet again.  All I can say is, thank you God that we took Kyles car to the airport!!!

I must be cursed when it comes to cars!

So I slept in my own bed last night.  I put my new duvet covers on and it looks fabulous.  very rich and beautiful.  I came home to find no blind on my window, and consequently had a really weird dream about picking out curtains in walmart.  Odd as I pretty much have decided never to shop there again if I can help it. Anyway.  I'm putting new pictures up, the rest of my trip and some ones from my trip to dc and virginia in Jan.

My flight home was very interesting.  I talked with a lady writing a mystery novel, a woman who did an elusive treck through south africa, and I had a long talk with Courtney on the way home.  I am tired but good.

I watched a film on the plane (just one as actually i slept) but it was AMAZING. It was called 'the fountain' and I was very impressed.  It has some really interesting questions, and begins to talk about the tree of life, and being reborn and the like.  I enjoyed it a lot.

My Mum is 60 today.  Good on her.  Course this just brings home how old I am!  Grr!  See I can turn every situation to be something about me :)

Mum, Dad, Beth, and I went down to visit the Brighton Vineyard last night. They do a Pub Service once a month, and the music was stellar.  The people who wrote the music were spending a lot of time in the Psalms which really I identified with, and the bass player was AMAZING!  In addidion, there was an open bar...so how can you go wrong?  There is one song that I have on cd from them, and they are going to send me the lyrics to later; I hope to teach it to Tri-lakes, at least to MOmentum.  They did a 10 min talk between two of the sets, and it was ok, but a tad churchy.  My dad said it best, he said, I wish christians could find another way to talk about salvation without mentioning the cross.  It isn't that the cross isn't important, its just that it makes salvation such an event. Come to the cross, this is where Jesus died for your sins.  Jesus did so much more than that.  Sin is just one part of what he accomplished for us.  I've finished velvet elvis, and have realy agreed with much Rob Bell was saying, and one of the themes he picks up on is the on going work of restoration and redemption that Christ started. 

Anyway, today is mum's birthday, as I've said before.  I think she's expecting something huge, but we're keeping it low key, and just loving on her.  I'm going to go down town today and get her something nice, but i'm also going to have a little fun with her.  She's taking a nap so I'm going to go around the house putting up post it notes all around the house 'reminding' her of what things are, and what they're used for.

I also had a weirdly vivid dream last night.  I was auditioning for a position as guest host for the daily show. They were kind of surprised I came. But I told them they should look at the unknown's as well as the brand name celebs. So they said they'd give me a chance. They told me to pitch a sketch, and i was starting to write it down, and it was on colorful paper, like you use in scrapbooking, as that's all I had on me. Well one of the staff memebers said, 'I can see you're going to town on this, but you're doing it wrong this is how it is supposed to look like.' And he began to walk me through how to set it up with different catagories, like who would be in it, what sets need to be made, what kind of costumes, etc, and then also if there are any lines or phrases you've thought of that should be in it. So i wrote my sketch, and it was called Doggy Duty, and it was about priests blessing dogs for service as bomb sniffers etc, and then how they were starting doggy services in the catholic church, and there were confessions of dogs 'how many butts did you sniff this week?' well etc... and the communtion being milk bones and gravy. It was funny. They liked it. All stuff I've never thought of before.

What does that mean, I wonder? I even remember what the floor looked like, and what kind of desk I sat in.  Go Figure!

I leave to come home tomorrow.  Forgive me if i'm not too excited by that prospect.  Must pack today, BUT I will ensure that the family plays curses tonight!

So i've been reading more from Velvet Elvis.  Some really profound insights.  I'm enjoying it very much. One of the things that stood out to me was a discussion i'm going to have to use in Beta group soon.  He was talking about the hebrew word for corner of your garment.  See GOd told the ancient hebrews to put tassles on the corners of their garments in order to remind them of who GOd is and who they are in relation to that.  Jewish men often wear the garment, or prayer shawl, still today.  anyway the same word for corner of the garment is used in a messianic prophecy in Michah.  We read it 'he shall have healing in his wings' in our translation, but litterally its healing in the corners, with the tassles, of his garments.  What new testament story does that remind you of?

Anyway, dad and I have had a good afternoon together, we went to see Amazing Grace.  I think dad cried all the way through the movie, which i liked very much and highly recommend you all see, and i was fairly teary eyed too.  Its all about Williamm Wilberforce who worked pretty tirelessly against injustice, and fought, almost to death, to get the trafficing of slaves, and thier ownership, abolished in the untied kingdom.  Great movie, but put my life in stark relief.  What have I laid myself down for lately.  What kind of difference have I made.  What is the epic battle I'm meant to fight.  In Velvet Elvis Rob Bell tells a story from his life where he was close to the end of himself, and went to a councilor. Rob poured out his life, and the councilor had and answer for him.  The guy said "your job is to relentlessly pursue what God has intended you to become, everything else is sin, and you need to repent of it."  I think i agree with this, with a few addendums.  I believe that sometimes in the pursuit of who I'm meant to be, i'll be something else, that seems off the beaten track, and that is not sin, its part of the process, not something to repent of, so I guess you have to be careful to not be sucked into that.  But on the other hand, I think I haven't found what I'm meant to be yet, and that is part of why I feel stuck, or cynical, because I don't know what i'm meant to be pursuing, or fighting for etc.

ANYHOO...go see the film, and I'll catch you later, going to go play with my fam now.

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/155/story_15526_1.html

This is the interview with the desperate Christian housewife, that was mentioned in the sermon i heard sunday.  I'd really like to know what you all think

First of all, I'm working on getting the whole pic thing sorted out, so they will actually let you see them :) I even have a few more to add, so hopefully today that can happen.

I've been trying to read 'A cloister walk' by Kathleen Norris, but have been having a very hard time getting into it.  I'm surprised, as usually the books we read in book club keep my interest, at the very least, and yet this is work to make myself read.  It's not that it's poorly written, because it's very lyrical, but I think that I'm jealous.   (Mum just poked her head in the door, having just gotten out of the shower, and told me she loved me.  I told her 'i love you too, naked mum' because, naturally, she is, with the exception of the towel on her head)  Kathleen's book is one of revelation and understanding, much of which arrives to her while having an extended stay at with a few benedictine orders.  She speaks of learning through liturgy, and something rises up with in me.  I guess it's similar to how I felt during the worship at Dave's church, jealousy.  I think of the liturgy in my life, and it translates to how I experience church community, to how church happens, to doing the things that I think I'm meant to, for the sake of serving God, and yet I got nothing. Not so much as an 'I have not forgotten you'.  I have this secret inner fear that I'm going to sacrifice, and do what I feel I'm meant to, and it will cost me the things I desire, and at the end, it's not going to be worth it.  I have friends, who were the ones that were faithful, and loved Jesus with thier whole heart, that have walked away because it got to be too much, the sacrifice, and ones who chose Gods path, only to be on the hardest road, without relief. I am in a place where the faithful seem to get shafted, and the liturgy of my life brings no peace, no closeness to God, no revelation, just dissatisfaction, frustration, and desperation.  The gospels say 'He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty.' (the message translation) and I guess part of me understands that, but I also greive.  Greive the bad weather for the faithful, and I envy Kathleen Norris, who understands she is 'other' and finds a place of comfort and relationship there.  In my experience, 'other' has led to isolation, pain, and a great feeling of 'less than' for more than just myself.  What i would like is to read this book with a sence of hope, but instead I read it with a sence of Naomi."Don't call me Naomi," she told them. "Call me Mara, because the Almighty  has made my life very bitter.  I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The LORD has afflicted  me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me." (Naomi means pleasant, and Mara means bitter, see Ruth chapter 1)

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord

In other news, i'm reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, and enjoying very much learning new things about Rabbi's and the language Jesus uses.  He also likes anne lamott (as should we all)

I also have reaffirmed my deep love of Mocha and pastry breakfast.  Pan au chocolate, almond croissant etc.  This is how God want's me to start my day, at a little cafe, with a book or newspaper, coffee and pastry.  Warming up to being awake, alive, and just enjoying humanity. (see not everything in my world is bad :) )

Well it finally rained.  But thankfully it happened while we were in church this evening.  Fitting metaphor tho.  My cynicsm stretched all the way down to Brighton. I was really hoping that tonight would be a good church service, I was certainly in a better mood, but no such luck.  Worship was hard for me to get into.  I was really envious of the worship leader, but not like you would think.  He was really enjoying the presence of God, and all I could think was "I remember when I felt something during worship"  Now worship is very mechanical to me; heres where you swell, and here's where you go accapella, here's where you have to sing the melody as the church doesn't know it well yet, and I just don't have that sence of God's presence, or even my ability to worship adequately anymore.

Then came the sermon (oh i should precede this by mentioning the AMAZING dance to the scripture about the story of Hannah asking for a child. It was unlike most dances i've seen. Kesha, Kristen, I wish I had recorded it for you to see, as It was so good, forcefull, and harshly beautiful.  You would have also enjoyed the inspiriation, and the mix of interpretive dance, and trendy-for lack of a better word-dance).  You should all know it was Mothers day today in the UK, so the sermon was to/for mothers.  Mothers Day typically isn't my fave, as sadly mostly we honor real mothers, even though my friends seem to remember that the only mothering I've done has been the spiritual type, not the mothers in spirit.  Its a hard day for me generally, but add to it that I'm in a church filled with younger single people, or young marrieds, and one that holds firm in it's belief that women in leadership is not God's idea.  I really try to not hold that against this church, as I know some of the fruit of what they do, but to be honest, it can really get up my nose sometimes, and tonight was one of those moments.

The preacher was, naturally, a man, and began to explore the Hannah/samuel story.  He talked about how in that time people were doing what seemed good to them, and how much thats like us today.  He also talked about how Hannah was a "desperate housewife".  Up to that point I was with him, then he hit a tangent.  He began to talk about motherhood being the highest calling we could have as women, pastoring our children, teaching them about the Lord, leading them to salvation. Of course this hits two triggers in me...one being the one that wants to shout bullsh(radio edit)...as a woman that isn't my highest calling, and the other trigger is the part of me that says...I would love to have a child, its just that following God the way I have so far has left me without that being a possibility, and thank you for bringing up such a sore subject, while your at it, why don't you give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice in it.  The speaker went on to say that men should choose women of character, not based on thier looks... and i was very cynical in my thoughts then :) . He mentioned some stuff that I thought was somewhat biblical, but not tied into the story, but then went off on women/carrers/kid raising.  (alesha I can just see you cringing right now) He was really clear that he totally understood that today women needed to work just to make ends meet, and he wasn't condemning that, but it was also clear that this was the 2nd best option, and abducating your job of raising your kids wasn't good.  I thought to myself.  Someone should pick his bible up and re-read proberbs 31.  He also quoted an interview with an american housewife in an 'evangelical' church.  She mentioned that until recently the church has had this unspoken attitude that lays the responibilty of raising the children at the mothers door.  She's the one that was supposed to lay down her life to raise the kids, and if they went astray, she was the one who was accountable.  She said that when her kid messed up she felt that not only was she a failure as a mother, but as a christian as well.  The speaker said this interview made her sad, because she wasn't understanding, and really living the fullness of what God intended motherhood to be.  I was sad because I can see how true this in the church, and how high our expectations are for people.  They can't do this, because it isn't what God  is asking them to live up to! 

I just left church feeling bad.  I love my brother, and I'm so glad that he has found a place he can serve God effectively, but i'm very glad I don't go to his church.  I think again, I am disappointed by how we do church, and how we don't understand how confining our expectations can be on one another, and how life killing that can be.  The speaker also talked about how Hannah prayed/interceeded until she knew she had broken through, then she was at peace. (side note: thats not what happend in the bible.  She was still in the throes of intersession, when eli came to her and told her off. When he understood what was going on  HE spoke the release, and prophesied the break through. Hannah didn't come to that on her own)  He tied that into our lives, how we need to perservere in prayer, until that moment when we know it's done.  Obviously he doesn't have my faith list!  I think to myself, "wouldn't it be nice if thats how simple it was?"  But there are too many places where the anguish hasn't been remedied, and the healing hasn't come and the barrenness still exists.

Don't give me platitudes, easy answers, say 'peace, peace' when there is no peace, or try and give me a hope that disappoints.  Can you not sit shiva with me in morning what has been lost, weep with me in the spiritual, metaphysical, literal emptyness of my womb, and then meld your faith with mine, that one day my dreams will walk?

actually I'd just settle for not being so cynical!

Lovely, restful day around Brighton.  Having fun with my bro, he's quite the hostess :)  We went to the lanes, and a quaint and unusual museum by the pavillion.  It was really quite nice.  I promised to cook for him tomorrow, and I shall, provided I can find the right ingredients here in this weird country.  (How can anyone give me a blank look when I ask for minced spicy italian saussage?)

Anyway, I've been finishing off freakonomics, which brings a very good question to mind, do we ever think through the consequences of inflicting our morality on others? This book does a very interesting job of exploring the connection between a lot of seeminingly unrelated things such as abortion and crime, and sumo wrestlers, and teachers and cheating.  I really recommend this book highly. 

Now I am off to eat some banoffee pie (cream, bannanas, toffee....life is good) and watch a cheesy movie.  I'm hoping I can talk david into seing 300 with me at the Imax on thursday! that would be good. 

Book club ladies, I miss you, and will blog soon on my thoughts on the cloister walk. I'm, surprisingly, having a hard time identifying with it.  I hope you are all having a good time.  The kids loved the clothes by the way.

Enjoy  my pics. I did finally get a way to put them up, and I put them in collages so that you wouldn't have to go picture by picture but could see more at once.  I'll add the brighton ones as soon as I can.

Ahead the next few days, Coffee, Church with dave in the eve, Fishhbourne (extensive roman ruins), Arundell castel, and taking april and tim for a cream tea.

One side note: I have been extremely broody the last few days (translation  biological clock rearing its ugly head) and have been seeing the cutest kids.  One today had hair my color, only slightly more vibrant, and it was in the most adorable ringlets.  I really wanted it to be mine!  It's frustrating to know that right now it isn't an option, and it might never be!  HEART HURTS!