My friend Dwight, apparently an 18 year old from Miami who really likes Old Navy, came on to my blog recently to share a great offer he found for getting a $200 gift card for Old Navy. Which, though I originally regarded it with much skeptism, as I do with all "Free" things on the internet, I saw that it was legitimate. Sure, I'd have to spend about $600 to get said free gift card, but that's besides the point.

So, my buddy from Miami enjoys making blatant plugs for shady internet offers?  I can deal with that. I sent him a message showing my appreciation for his interests. In it, I kindly thanked him for his generous offer, and gave him a link of my own to show him my favorite Old Navy sweater.

Or it was a link to Tubgirl. I forget. But, that's probably besides the point. The point is, MySpace sucks enough, to be sure. You have your 30-40 year old men posing as teenage girls or boys, you have your police posing as said children as well, you have people who send crappy bulletins every opportunity they get to ask you to take some new quiz or to inform you of some retarded spam mail they just got, and in general, you have a large collection of people of whose average IQ amounts to lower than that of the 19 year old at our school who rides the big red tricycle through the hallways with his mouth wide open, head cocked out to the side with two Special Ed teachers on either side.

Dwight, thank you for reminding me why I hate MySpace. Screw you and your offers. Old Navy blows anyways, so you can't even be blatantly advertising in style.

I do understand that not everyone who has a MySpace is a whiny emo child. Some are whiny emo adults, and some are simply whiny or emo, not both used in combination. Some are probably neither. Possibly neither. Could possibly be neither.

I guess my point here is that due to the popularity of MySpace, and the abundance of blades and other sharp, skin-piercing objects, I'm lead to the belief that there are in fact a lot more whiners than emos. A lot more. Too many perhaps.

My motives are simple enough. To make the internet a happy place. Preferably without kittens though, unless it's in the form of a recipe. I do love lightly sauteed kitten marinated in a vinegarette sauce. You usually boil them before sauteeing them. So I guess that everyone and everything will be doing it's best to make the internet a better place, though some make us laugh, some give us confidence, and of course, some will simply make us hungry.

I'm kidding in case any of you couldn't tell, when I was talking about the kittens. It's completely ridiculous for any of you to believe me when I say such things. Everyone knows you can't simply boil kittens. The meat won't sautee properly. It's just common sense.

So, back to the whiny emo kids. They make the internet a depressing place. And that's a problem. In many different blog entries, you may see some people detail what they've done that day, from what they ate, to what people said to them that day and how they felt about it, to how they feel about politics, though many people don't know shit about politics. Many people who hate Bush can't say more than "He's stupid and went to Iraq for oil", and many people who follow Bush say "Iraq is a good thing lol". Well quite frankly, while I'm impartial to Bush's decisions about and in Iraq, he hasn't done anything about limiting the whining done by the average American today, AND he hasn't addressed the issue of free candy. Quite frankly, this angers me. I feel that this is impeding upon our rights. Our right to an enjoyable, whine-free atmosphere, and our inherent right to free Mike and Ikes, Starbursts, Kit-Kats,  and Double Bubble Bubble Gum.

A recent study done by Harvard in March, 2006, showed that if enough people were to whine in a concentrated area either physically or over an internet connection, every person in a 100 foot radius of someone participating in this whine-a-thon would find thier head to suddenly explode and thier lungs to collapse. Don't ask me about the lungs, but I'm guessing that hearing someone ramble on about thier own insignificant complaints somehow directly affects your respitory system, and attacks it equally as directly as your brain. Why isn't this issue on the news? I'll tell you why. Aside from MySpace, the media is the largest source of whiners, and they are working towards bringing about the Apocalypse. And when the moment comes that too many people are whining at a given time, then BAM, all that will be left are hillbillies and Chuck Norris(Not to be associated with hillbillies, he is the only who will probably be within that 100 foot radius and survive).

If you don't want the Apocolypse to be brought about, please send this email to fifteen people and your mother.

Also, if you do that, and send chainmail to friends in order to save a child, puppy, angel, or yourself from impending doom because they said so, then please find a cliff and give yourself a running start.

I have always been angered to hear that one by one, people I know are being sucked into MySpace. I am still angered to hear this. More so now that I have one. It's an epidemic, and has claimed me as a victim. I feel dirty. A dirty that is somewhere between leperousy and Magicmarkers. A dirty of very biblical proportions. I now harbor a loathing for myself that only MySpace could bring about. And eating at McDonald's, but that's for another day. Myspace is a place where I can whine, and as opposed to me being able to whine about my life in real life and having nobody listen, I can now whine, have nobody listen, and show up on a Google search.


Woo-hoo. I hope to parody many of the MySpace accounts I may happen to encounter over my wonderful visit to the slums of the internet, ponder the meaning of life, debate the very issues that corrode the fabric of society and fester upon the human soul, as well as share with you all what brand of cereal I had for breakfast. Let's make it happen.



Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net