Hello, and welcome to the crazy world of Rachael and Im about to make a big anouncement!!!!!! For any of you who know me and know what I have been going through for the past 2 1/2 years with my house will know what a struggle it has been to keep it and ALL the LONG hours I work to keep it not only for myself, but for my family who also live with me. I try and try everyday to try to get ahead and it seems like im getting no where fast with the HUGE MORTGAGE payment every month and BARLeY making ends meet even with the help of the FAM. I am physically, mentally, depressed when I go home and I can't enjoy the things that should be making me happy. Sure a Nice house to live in with the yard and so on and so forth, HOWEVER I AM T T T T I I I I R R R R E E E E D D D D of the things that keep me from the house and the things that are currently cluttered in it. I am not the most neet freak in the world, but when you mix it up with other people, things get out of control and tentions get tight, solution needs to be had. I have desided to sell the house!!! I know some of you (FRIENDS) have told me to do it in the past, you know who you are and you also know that I can be very stuborn at times and need to see things for myself or wait till the right time. When I began living in this house, I had it all straight, all bills were paid, (I have been living on my own before I graduated college,) House stayed clean, come and go as I pleased with out ANY one telling me not to go out cauz I NEED SLEEP, OR IM SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME WITH FRIENDS!!!!!!! I now work all the time.. 3 jobs, 1 -2nd 1 - 3rd, several freelance jobs and I AM NOT HAPPY! I WORK TOOO DAMN MUCH. Id like to enjoy life and so what IF I enjoy the company of someone I care about!! When it comes to freedom, the FAM has it all, im talking in the ways of they can buy almost what ever they want any time they want. Visit friends, do what ever when they can, then come HOME and make an ABSOLUTE MESS everywhere! ALL the rooms are UNWELCOME to anyone. Things EVERYWHERE! Animals EVERYWHERE! DISHES EVERYWHERE! TV ON ALLLLL NIGHT!!!!! SNORRING ALL NIGHT!!! Fighting All the time!! Utilities SKY ROCKETING and Im hardly at the house!Quietly DRIVING me NuTZ! No WONDER I wanna be somewhere els! some place that doesn't depress me, someplace relaxing, free of stress, free of being told I CAN'T go somewhere or that I spending too much time with friends. I HAVE NO LIFE! I NEED SPACE! I WANNA GO BACK TO SCHOOL!! I WANNA LIVE A PEACEFULL LIFE AND MAKE BEAUTIFUL PIX! I WANNA BE SUCCESSFUL! I can't do it while killing myself slowly for the sake of this house. It has finaly hit me and I have come to realize more recenlty. I know I needed a push. The push has always been there, I have just been in denial and believed that if I would fail, I would be a failure, HOWEVER not true! If I stay with this house I will never succeed. There is so much to do and I can only devote so much energy to so many different things at once. BALANCE.. I have been told that I can not do..... BULL SHIT! I can do it when Im not pulled 5 MIllion directions, working as much as I am. I hear the birds singing and it iz very foggy out. I was sopposed to go out shooting, I still want to cauz i know the fog with be a neet subject to capture at 6:15 AM. Better believe it, I'd be up at the crack of dawn with my photography Love and snap snap snap, pix all morning. The beautiful thing about it is the advanture, excitement, uknowing of it all. At the same time it is the most wonderfull thing that I can ever ask for. In this crazy life we all have to try to live together! If it doesn't work out then it wasn't ment to be. things happen for a reason and I believe my path has been laid before me the entire time and the people in my life have always been blessings in disguize. I would not have gotten this far if it wasn't for the FAM and I would not be making this desision if it want for the FAM! Guitl tripping me does NO GOOD ANYMORE! I am imune to it and for that, I hate guilt tripping others. Its not fair to MAKE SOMEONE FEEL SORRY FOR YOU because of your misfortune! I try to help those who are trying to help them selfs. I never judge someone for any reason, you are in every situation because you have made the choices that got you there. I do not like to ask for hand outs, if some one is willing to give me hand with something, GREAT! I have been tought to earn my way every step every stride. I will continue to do it for my own family. We must live within our means and if we want more, we must work that much harder to get it. YOu have to start small, In my case I started too big, but atleast I have the experience to say I have done it, NOw im gonna perfect it! The meeting with begin, words will be said and feeling with be....who knows. I have so many hopes, and dreams, I hope you will be here to read all about what I have done. L8TER
Rachael
Wish me WELL, LUCK and all that happy horse shit that goes with it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eELB6NxrZ7A

Billy Joel And So It Goes (C) 1989 SONY BMG MUSIC ENTERTAINMENT

Well what to do now, I've come pretty far and I guess I'm pretty happy with the results in some areas in my life, I know what I need to change, what to improve, what I need to do to stay focused and not worry about missing out on everything that I want to do because this season is about getting it all together, Starting off the new year, with a clear head and a positive outlook into the future, I know who I want to take with me and who I want to leave behind me. Those of you who know me on a personal level and know what I am capable of doing will stand by me every step of the way even if you don't physically hold my hand or your miles away and send I love you s'. I value the true friends in my life who are there to talk to me when I have serious questions and give me serious answers.  I also try to give any good advice when needed. I know i'm not perfect, but some things I have learned usually help in some way. I love the silly and playfulness of everyone surrounding my world of randomness. Even if I see you for a few hours at a time, know that you have some how influenced and inspired me to do better and to never give up. I am realizing what it takes to actually grow up and take on the adult life thingy and put yourself to the test to challenge yourself in anyway possible. My path has tangled with other paths that stretch and bend with the possibility of ending up at the same destination. I do not worry about what, when, why, how, who is involved and who will be missing me when I am gone, because I will always know that random thoughts of past togetherness are there. Its very vague I know, but I don't want to be real specific about any one person, Its about everyone who has that same thoughts about being rejected or feeling accepted. Its about are you good enough, or are you strong enough to keep what you have. Are you willing enough to put down your defenses and all your walls so you can feel loved and appreciated. Are you strong enough to realize when you are being used and when you are treated fairly by those closest to you. Are you trusting enough to give some one your heart and hope that they don't break it. If they do break it will that make you grow even colder to the though of never wanting to trust anyone ever again. Nothing is ever certain and nothing is ever for eternity. You can be happy one day and then realize that you made a mistake the next day. You can learn to slow down and enjoy living in the moment and not be afraid to let yourself go in a state of nirvana.

So how is Christmas stuff going for you? Put up a tree and all that stuff? I havnt, i dont even feel like getting the thing out of the closet, I have to say, of all the Christmas' I have always had something to give and i feel like Im going into it empty handed as far as things to give, I just have nothing, not a thing and barley a charlie brown kinda feeling about the whole thing. I have had a hard time
getting into the spirit with hidden depression. I try to hide it but i dont know what else i can do. My family has helped in so many ways that i feel I owe way more then I am worth. At least I try to pay people back what I owe and i try to work as hard as i can to get where i wanna be even it takes me 10 years to do it. Im sorry to tell you this stuff, i dont mean to make you mope in any way, I just cant
wait till the start of the new year, i need another job or I will LOSE my house, not sure who to Flip OFF or to thank for getting me in this situation, i just know one thing, Im not going to lose anything, i cant lose anything, I will have gained nothing if i dont fight for anything. IF there is ANYTHING I AM, its a fighter and I usually find a way through. Problem is, PEOPLE, PEOPLE say they are going to do things then they DON'T..... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. They promise things then they BAIL ON YOU! FUCK EVERY ONE who BAILS on your FUCKING promises, I almost dont give a damn anymore because im sick of getting screwed over because im such a nice understaning human being about otherzzzzzzzz FLAWWWWWWWWWWWWZ! I try to be SOOOO nice and Forgiving......So coooooooool with everything that YET AGAIN..........Ooooops....FUCKED over again by some Dipshit Dumb ASS who can't own up to their own mistakes. Sure, im not perfect but why don't you look at what makes people reject you and why you can NEVER find real happiness. All anyone ever wants is for someone to know that you care, can be trusted, can rely on to be a true friend, give you advice when you need it the most, Just Be There. Sorry about the cussssing, just felt good to get it out, My blogs are normally positive, this time I just didn't give a shit, you got a problem let me know, need advice from me or to give to me let me know.

Later, RACH grrr mrrr

♦How do u know when to keep and when to let go?

♦When something troubles you and you don't know why. ♦When something makes you smile and giggle uncontrolabley and you want more. ♦When you feel like someone has taken advantage of you in some way and u forgive them but they can't forgive them self. ♦When someone notices every great quality about you that you had not looked at before or had and realize how much you like that other people notice. ♦When you give and give and get nothing in return because of selfishness. ♦When you give and receive and give more and recieve more that each time no one has to wait. ♦When someone makes you wait till it is convienient for them and high expectaions are let downs. ♦When words are put into actions and desirables are all magical surprizes. ♦When no one can keep up with you or understand or care that you are hurt or sad because of something they did. ♦When you talk there is great chemistry and when you are quiet there is no worry that they are bored or tired of hearing you ramble but enjoying the peace of mind that is there in the silence of the moment. ♦When you feel like you deserve better and think that they might change in the future even though you are unhappy with a f e w things. ♦When you find something that makes you happy and can't wait till the next opportunity to see more then before. The future is coming on is coming on is coming on. ♦When you look, when you want to, and see what your eyes want to, and you can tell no lies, and you break away, then you feel like more then before, when you can see the core, and you break away, you feel like more. You breath, then you stop, and you breath then you feel like more every second. You glow then you feel like more, you see a light and adore the good mornings. ♦When someone takes you for the way you are and you love them more then you can ever promise and they don't even know it yet. ♦When you don't know what they do, but they do it well, and can take your hand and run in the rain or snow anytime of the year. ♦When you feel so alive as the changes come naturally. Wild wild horses couldn't drag you away. Are they strong enough to keep you, are you too strong to keep them? ♦When your intuition is always right and raising your stantandards has never been easier. ♦When you know what your true heart desires, the world is attracted to you and many doors open up to lifes richest rewards. ♦When you make peacefullness your highest priority and your inner masterpiece is revealed. ♦When you are not affraid to make breakthroughs in your life, your devine inspired ideas are put into action. ♦When you are fearless and move forward with integrity, improving your life and your dreams, they become reality. ♦When you make new friends, your interest and priorities change causing a ripple effect which draw you toward like-minded people making room for new growth. ♦When you have patience with yourself as you grow and mature at your own pace, you feel youthfull and vigorous which makes you more productive. ♦When you do not betray yourself, or ignore what you know to be true in your heart. ♦When you rearange your schedule so that you are spending time in ways that are truly meaningful to you. ♦When you recover your natural identity including your sence of humor, interests, passions, and desires. ♦When you trust that any current changes are apart of your naturaly emerging self and you constantly build your personal foundation. ♦When you appreciate and amplify your natural attractivness and your beauty, its most apparent when you're happy and satisfied. ♦When you always think loving thoughts about every inch of your phisical self and you glow with natural attractiveness of a truly happy person.

♦Welcome to life and everyting in it including the people we choose to keep and let go in our lifes. Happy keeping and Happy letting go!

Love is the most important thing in life. It nourishes the heart, mind, body and soul. When we are able to freely express and recieve love we truely feel alive and joyfull. Allowing ourselves to be loved only occurs when we first love and accept ourselves.

We create our own reality every day and days from past experiences. The paths we walk now have been set for us. the only thing that changes is the choices we make for ourselves. When you meet someone who you can connect well with, everything about both of you starts to growing and bonding together. Only you can actually see if is just fate or karma that has brought you this reality. You almost don't believe it, can almost see if what you have been asking for v.s. what you receive is actually what you needed all along. When we pray for the things we want, we mostly receive what we truely need. We are blessed with the things that come to us in any shape or form. These little wonders of life and how we deal with things, people, drama, all add up with what kind of personality you have. When two people come together and they seem to be so in sync with eachother, its almost like magic how alike they think, similar goals they have, and talents that compliment eachother even if they are not allike. Any creative mind colaberating with another creative mind can spark some interesting ideas rather its for work or pleasure. What one person lacks the other brings to the foreground. In these small hours, all we want to be is in eachothers arms, no work for the moment, no distractions for the hour, Nothing in the way for the day so we can enjoy the little wonders of us and all we do to preserve the present time and place.

How does someone know if they have found their true love or soul mate? The kind of people you want to attract to your life depends on what you want in someone you want to be with. You need to make a list of your paticular interests. Once you have that list, you start your search and then you start noticing that your interest have changed a little bit and what you want has become more clear then ever. Strike up a conversation with that person an then the next thing you know, your in full hours of endless topics from A to Z and not even realizing what time it is, the sun is coming up. Your interest are peeked and you want nothing more then spend all the time you can with this person, or miss them when they are gone, wonder what they are thinking and if it is you.

Sometimes a little fear sets in when you know you have been through similar situations in relationships before and know that it can be dangerous to open up totaly to someone. You want to keep a hard shell on your self for protection. You learn from past relationships that if someone breaks your heart, you get over it and move on, sure is hurts for a while and you can't seem to trust anyone ever again, but you realize that with every thing that ends is the start of something new. When you finaly feel like things are going the way you want them and your seeing how someone can actually love you the way you want to be loved in the most unconditional of ways with all the little things that make you apreciate the person that they are and all they offer, you start to realize that you not just happy with yourself, but you can now be happy with the added bonus of someone you enjoy saying "I Love you" to and mean it. You actauly care about this person and believe in the things they want to do with their life. Believing in all the things they are capable of doing.

The best thing about the beginning of a relationship is the bonding and learning everything about them. Testing personalities, interests, common goals, fears. All the things that take up hours of conversation till the sun comes up. Spending time with them all the time and enjoying every minute of listening to what the say, hearing the sound of their voice. The attraction is more then just looks alone, more then just being theirselve with all sorts of shared sillyness. How the personalities relate to eachother and how well the communication is , and last, being honest with one another.  We each have people in our life and have outside stories all the same, We do not burden ourselves with the past, we live with what we have and enjoy the moment that is given to us.

Sleepy head, Sleepy head, hope you are dreaming, dreaming as your sleeping, sleeping. Thoughts are racing, racing, like a car that is driving, driving through your mind as its winding, winding down the narrow road to very core of your heart that is beating, beating, to the sound of the music that is playing, playing that reminds you of a moment when you grinned from ear to ear while talking to that person that made you blush, blush. So sleep, sleep, and dream, dream, and when you wake to brand new day, you will know where to go and which way.