I'm "That Douchebag" but not THAT douchebag

Lately there's been some confusion as to what kind of a douchebag I am. I'll tell you what kind: the AWESOME kind.

As to what kind of douchebag I am not, let me point out a few things:

- Not the kind who goes to church or whatever.

- Not the kind who likes Dave Matthews or "jam bands".

- I don't believe that "the children are are future". Hopefully these a-hole scientists will invent some non-gay robots like they keep promising.

- Not one of those emo pussies I keep reading about in People. (Just kidding, I don't read)

- I'm not one of those nerd douchebags who will yell at you cuz you don't have an Apple or whatnot. For the ladies in the audience, that is a kind of computer.

I think that should clear things up. Those are all kinds of douchebags that I am not. If you are still a little hazy, I am basically the kind of douchebag who works at some vague sort of "banking" job and makes a lot of money and spends it on "the finer things" and yells at people who buy the wrong kind of beer or scotch.

Yeah, while I don't think that "defines" me, it's pretty close.

Lates!

That DB

You people are pathetic. I've seen the video. I used to think Joe Rogaine was an alright guy. I felt that his take on the Man Show took some of the subtlety away from the original Carolla/Kimmel one and I like that.

But you crossed the line when you attacked my boy, bro.

Who cares if Carlos steals jokes? Everybody steals jokes. It's like stealing music - it's a victimless crime.

If Comic A makes a joke and nobody laughs and then Comic B takes it and everybody's cracking up, does Comic A really deserve that joke in the first place?
If you're not popular, it's your own fault. Carlos is popular. Whatever is popular got that way by being better than whatever is unpopular. Everybody knows that (unless you're dee dee dee! LOL).

Joe Rogaine is just jealous because Fag Factor got cancelled. Plain and simple.

If you're some shitty comic who doesn't have any friends or money and you drive an American car and Carlos sees your act and takes one little piece of it and makes it better and then people laugh at it, you should be fucking flattered. Not crying about it.

So, in summation: fuck you, fuck Joe Rogaine, fuck this Hollywood Feces guy, fuck all the commies in Iran and whatnot and fuck Al Gore and his electric car.

I got this in my inbox a while ago, courtesy of this guy, who could possibly be my long-lost brother. Check it out, sounds like good times.

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		Beverly Hills Estate Swinger Party
							We will be hosting a Private Swinger Party Beginning this month and every month to follow. This is a private members society. We will be screening all applicants. Couples are preffered! Singles are welcome! This party will be hosted by sevral Male and Female Swinger Hosts to help get your swinging started!lol The party is at an undisclosed location. Members will be emailed the location 1 day prior to each event. This months party will be in Beverly Hills at a 25,000 sq foot Mansion! Coctails, Hors De vours, Massage, Music, and Show* will be included. Applicants must go through a strict application process. Criteria like, monthly net income, photos, and blood work will need to be provided. Contact me if your interested and would like an application. Prices of Membership range from $500-$2000 There is no party like it. Just think of the movie Eyes Wide Shut!

Time to clear things up



Listen, I don't want to sound like a dick, but next time we hit up the clubs and you think, "Damn, That Douchebag is an awesome dude, I wanna buy him a Bud Lite", don't.

I don't drink that piss and if you buy it for me, I will pour it on your fucking head and break the bottle on your crotch and/or shove it up your ass.

Some might say it's the thought that counts, but what's the thought? "Hey, I think the best way to show my admiration for the number 6 salesman in the whole fucking fourth district is to go and shell out two measly bucks for some beer I frankly wouldn't pour down my throat if I was in the desert in Canada starving my ass off and eating cactuses and shit"?

My MINIMUM acceptable beer is a European Import (not a Heinie). Something like a Stella Artois or even a Guiness would be OK, but don't expect me to thank you and don't even fucking dream about giving me a high five, because I will leave you hangin', bro. Keep in mind, this is the starting point.

In case you're not following here, I don't give a shit about taste. In fact, the more it makes me want to puke, the better. I want you to spend some fucking cash on your boy. The more stupid and pointless and obscure the microbrew, the better. As long as it means shelling out bank.

If it's made by monks or has blueberries in it, I want you to buy it for me. Anything from Oregon is fine with me too. Does the bottle have a cow wearing sunglasses on it? Sweet. Hook me up. Are the words "oatmeal" or "stout" anywhere on the label? Bizzang!

What is beer? It is water and oats and shit that sit in a barrel and rot. And it tastes like it too. Especially some fringe-speciality microbrew. It's terrible. But it's expensive. Are you following? You owe me. So take out your wallet and be a man. I'm not drinking beer to enjoy the taste. I am drinking beer to stick it to you and get drunk and hit on your girlfriend.

It's simple. I don't understand why we keep having these conversations.

Who's down? I'm really craving some milf tail, lately.

If there's one thing I love more than fake tans, fake tits and lots of baggage, I haven't found it yet.

"Oh, your son's name is Taylor? Tyler? Whatever, that's great. He sounds like a really neat kid, I'd love to meet him sometime. People tell me I'm just a big kid at heart. What, with my love for video games, football and commitment. Especially the commitment to raise someone else's kid."

That's all it takes, seriously. Then, 20 minutes later, I'm driving the bang bus to Forever 21 Land. What does that mean? I don't know. Except that I love knowing I've been somewhere that's popped out a kid a few years earlier. Is that fucked up?

Yo, wassup a-holes? Today was fucked up. Basically, I was writing loans or something and then we went to lunch at the G Spot, you know, cuz it was Thursday.

So basically, I had a few beers (or 16, LOL!) and plus getting an hj always makes me sleepy so I passed out in my office for a while.

Well basically, those jalapeno poppers they had in the lunch buffet must have been gang-raping my stomach lining or something, cuz I had the most fucked up dream ever.

Check it: so I'm at my funeral, right? Everyone's there: my boss, my bros Chalky and T-Bone, my parents, my nana. Oh and every chick I ever banged. So basically, the place is packed.

ANYWAY, everyone is bummed cuz basically they've all got a boner for me, just like in real life. So everything is somber and shit, it's nice. People crying and all that shit.

Basically everything goes to shit when some ass-fucking retard decides to play basically the worst song ever.

That's right. "Time of Your Life" by Green Day.

Don't get me wrong, basically Green Day is my favorite band of all time besides Skynyrd and Billy Joel, but I fucking hate that song.

It wasn't always like that. I remember they basically used to play it on KISS-FM all the time and I dug it then. In fact, I dug it so much I had my buddy K-Boz burn me an illegal copy so I could play it when I was banging chicks.

Well one night, one of those stupid bitches gave me herpes. I'm not sure which one it was. Simplex 2? I dunno. Basically, it's the one that's not on your dick, so I guess it's not a big deal, but still, the song was basically ruined for me after that.

So now some pinhead decides to play that at my funeral? Wrong.

Basically, I decide to take care of business and come back to life and beat that dude to death. The weird thing is, it was my Uncle Terry, the one who died like six years ago and after he was dead, we found out he was a secret homo.

So he comes back to life to ruin my funeral? Well I came back to life to killl him. And I did.

So basically that's it. I was a little shaken, but then I did a few lines back in the can and rubbed one out and I was fine.

Well, basically, that's my story. Man, writing is stupid. This fucking blog sucks.

There's one place this douchebag won't go and that is to "annoying pimp out your myspace page layout land." I know you're probably like me and you're on here like 8 hours a day stalking all the hot chicks your friends know, but nothing pisses me off more than waiting while the 8 million pictures and icons are loading on some stupid bitch's page and 5 videos and songs start playing at once. Trust me, I know when things suck and that sucks. A lot.

All right, so I'm at work this week and it's around 4:30 so everyone's packing up to leave and a bunch of us are just shootin' the shit in the break room. My buddy Todd is like, "all right, I'm outta here" so I shake his hand and tell him I'll see him tomorrow.

So then my friend Aaron (we call him A-dog), decides to leave too, so I'm like "peace out, bro" and I go to bang knuckles with him and he's like, "I'm not your bro", leaves me hangin' and then splits.

What the fuck was that?

So naturally I'm pissed off and everyone is like "oh he's just having a bad day, don't sweat it" but I run after him and I'm like "hold up, playa" as he's getting into his car. I tell him I'm not down with him frontin' me like that and he gives me this liberal Democrat bullshit speech about how it's not cool that I treat him any differently than the white people I work with.

I couldn't believe he was saying that.

I was like, "bro, you can't be for reals, is that literally what this is about?" and he's like, "yeah, it is" so I'm all "bro, believe me, I love black people. I have nothing but respect for y'all." I tried telling him that I love his music and I think Chris Rock is hilarious but he wasn't having any of it.

I always thought he was one of the cool ones, but I guess he's just another angry black, you know? It's like, how is racism ever going to go away if they won't let it?

Am I wrong here? What's in the past is in the past, let it be. You can't go around whining about it and expect people to be cool with that, you know? There's no more slavery. These aren't the olden days anymore. Blacks can go to college and ride the bus and all that shit.

A-dog, bro, I'm sorry, but if you're reading this, you need to chillax, man, I'm on your side.

What up, yo? That douchebag is in da hizzy, y'all! Thought I'd give this shit a try, since I been hereing everyone talk about it at work and shit, apparently it's the next big thing. I'm literally not even sure how this works, so bear with me for a while as I get my legs. Soon I will be the king of Myspace, just like everywhere else. I'll just pretend I'm at da club or work or driving down the PCH in my M3.

Can't wait to post my first (of many) survey!

Rock out wit yo cock out, bitchez!!!