I hate the way you make me feel
I lose grip of all thats real
Slipping into a fantasy land
Where you and I walk hand in hand
I find myself falling for you again
Knowing my heart will break in the end
I fight the urge let my heart be true
And packing up my life to run to you
I cant give in to my desire
And the height of ecstasy that would transpire
So I sit and quietly suffer
Always to wonder
What if

© Cuba Cerene Lane 2008

Martina McBride Independence Day (C) 2003 BMG Music

This song really makes you think

October of 1992 My family lost everything in a fire in the middle of the night. I moved to Red Oak 2 years later. For years I seen the flames in my dreams. Since moving to Red Oak, I have lived in a few different places. The 1st  3 places I have lived here have burned years after I moved out. Memories flood my mind of my time in these places. As more pieces of my past go up in flames.

Sometimes it feels like the flames follow me, trying to destroy all my memories. I guess I fel that way because when I go and look at these places I remember when we lost everything.

You know our gas prices are really getting out of hand. Food cost are going up. Everything is going up. Its like a wicked chain of events. Companies have to raise their prices because it is costing more to transport things from point A to point B and then to point C. Sometimes, we the consumer are points G or H.

It gets frustating.

 Have you ever had so many diffeent feelings running through your mind that it seems like your head is spinning. What to do, which way to go, what to say, how to act. I am so confused about so many different things. I am also stressed out to the max with everyday things in life. There are so many possible decissions for the future and most of them scare the hell out of me.

Whats a mom to do when her children become adults. In just a little over 2 years my youngest turns 18. That really scares the hell out of me. I have worked so much while Chris and Brian were growing up, I feel like I missed most of their lives. Now they are almost grown and I dont know what to do when they are on their own. What is my purpose then. My life was to unstable before they were born. I struggled to provide for them. Things always worked out in the end. I have made decissions in the past that were not the greatest. Like when we ran away to South Carolina in 2004. My boys and I went through hell there. I guess thats why they dont ever want to leave Red Oak again. Because here we could always make it and always had a home.

I cant even say that about my hometown. This is the first place I have lived that I have actually been able to make ends meet and be independant.

I am really scared of what life will be like when my kids are on their own and I no longer have a say about things. I am already starting to develope the empty nest syndrome.

What will my purpose be then?

Panic Attack

The Chest tightens
Air grows thin.
Thoughts start swimming
The panic begins
Darkness surrounds you
The heart starts pounding
You feel sick
Things start to spin
Scared of your surroundings
You fear the unknown
Death moves closer
To scared to die

© Cuba Cerene Lane  2008

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Family pictures - Trace family tree

Can someone tell me what PT Crusiers are made of. I swear my kids had toy cars when they were younger that were made better than PT Cruisers. My Blazer barely hit it as it was being back from my driveway in the alley behind my house. I have a broken backup light lens cover and a small crinkle and some missing paint. But you should see the Cruiser. At least $3000 in damages.

I dont have a clue why they were in my snow packed alley to begin with. They were cutting through I guess. That is something I am really tired of. People cutting through my alley. I swear some people drive down the alley like it is a Nascar track or something. I knew it was a matter of time before something like this happened. I am really surprised that it hadnt happened sooner. I have this new neighbor that has a car parked in her back yard right next to the alley and its directly behind my driveway. I am always so scared that I am going to back in to it because of where it is located.

I even have semi's drive through my alley coming from Caseys going to SWILS. They really tear the hell out of my alley. During the rainy season there are really bad pot holes in my alley because of the semi's driving through.

Sometimes my alley is blocked and I cant go home or I cant leave. It sucks if I am on my way to work. I have had to call many times saying I am going to be late cuz I am blocked in. It kind of sucks living on a main road in town.

I know that I have been unusually quiet here lately. Not to much to say. I've been busy with my day to day life. There have been alot of changes recently. It's amazing how relaxed I feel tonight. I keep telling myself that I am taking the right steps, even though I keep doubting myself.

Will it really been worth the outcome. I guess only time will tell.

Chris will be 17 in a couple of weeks. His idea of a birthday party is alot different than it use to be. It seems like yesterday he was just a little boy. Where has time gone. I have missed alot of my kids growing up cuz of my work schedual.

Brian will soon be 16. He use to always be alot shorter than his brother. But now he is taller. He is growing so quick. They are both taller than me.

Here we are the first day of 2008. Time to make the traditional resolutions we make every years and we swear that this year we are going to keep them. Yeah right. How many people actually keep them.]

So this years I swear that I will keep my resolutions.

1. To stop smoking. ( I have  tried many time and I just cant do it. I always start up again.)

2. To lose weight. ( For that I better have alot less stress in my life.)

3. To make more money this year than last year. (Well that one might be possible since today Iowa minimum wage goes from $6.20 to $7.25 an hour. Avareage annual income increases between $2074 and $2184.)

4. To reduce stress (Wouldnt that be nice.)

5. To be happy (Lovely thought. But someone always comes along an pisses in my cheerio's)

So I might succeed in one of the 5

Tonight i stood up for my self and asked the owner for a raise. The hell with asking my manager cuz she dont stand up for any of us. He said he would discuss it with her tommorrow. As I told her when I said that I asked him for a raise. I have been there almost 4 years I do alot of extras and it is not fair that the people who dont do the extras make the same as I do. I told her if i dont get a raise then I am looking for different employment.

And since we are going to computers at work and I am the only one that knows anything about the system that would kind of leave them in a bind if I quit. I am fed up with making minimum wage and doing twice the work. I do alot of their work along with my own. Including the audits. So it is not fair to me to make the same as everyone else. especially since I have been there alot longer that everyone else. So I guess now I will wait and see what happens. But I am still going to start job hunting on monday.

All i am asking is to be making at least .50 more than the rest of the staff. I more than deserve the raise. Anyone who knows me and knows what all I do at work knows I deserve it. Cuz if i leave for another job then she will lose her child care provider also. Cuz i will go for a day job so that I can have my nights free. The minimum I will except for a new job will be $8.00 an hour. I am a one income family and I work my ass off and I want to be compensated for it.