Okay, so I didn't hate it initially but I've grown to - if only because everybody else loves it and being ostricised makes me resentful and that (as Yoda might say) leads to hate.
I also had to spill, just to get it out of my fucking system.

First of all. I thought the first half was fun. Dumb, but fun. It committed a lot of crimes (Beastie boy tunes) but I was able to forgive all of that, and when they were fighting on the drill, I literally thought to myself 'If this gets any better it's going to be brilliant'.
Unfortunately it didn't, and if anybody tells me that wasn't the best half of the film, I call bullshit on you. It just was.

Then Kirk gets chucked on Hoth, the movie slowed, I was allowed to think - and after that I just got bored. The main reason was the story came into relief, and revealed it's self to be utter dogshit. The snow sequence also highlighted the other problem - Not one part of the film was original. In fact most of it was outright theft.

I couldn't understand why Kirk got thrown off the ship, rather than put in the brig. But he lands on Hoth anyway. He gets chased by a Wampa. Which then gets eaten by Red Cloverfield (in a moment ripping off Jurrassic Park). The monster then roars at him inexplicably before attacking (as they all have to - see a million other films).
He then meets The Exposition who tells him the plot (in a Total Recall like way) and goes to meet Scotty. And I'm wondering: Why, if Spock was marrooned on a planet (like Khan) implausibly close to his homeworld, didn't he at least go and check out the base rather than hiding in a cave?
Why? Because there would be no film if he had.
Anyway, Scotty has a stone Ewok for a mate and reveals himself to be the Jar Jar - in a film which doesn't actually need comic relief as everybody gets a gag or two.
They then teleport across the galaxy into the ship at warp (yeah right!) Scotty gets stuck in some Wonka tubes and Kirk gets caugh. Then they take him to the bridge, despite the fact he's been thrown off the ship and has a stranger with him.

Now all this might all sound like nitpicking if you enjoyed the film. But my point is that was definetely the most boring part of the story. And most of all - it didn't need to be there!
A good film would have found a way to explain what was going on as it was actually happening. All the above took about fifteen to twenty minutes when it could have just been handled with Kirk being thrown in the brig, meeting Scotty there and escaping in about five I reckon.

And so now, apart from being bored needlessly, noticing how contrived the whole thing was, and the plot actually not making much sense, I realised that the film was just a bunch of steals. It also had nothing new to show me (as it was wrapping up the story) and I just waited (bored) for it to end. 

Everybody who loves this just comes across as jaded to me - To champion a film that had so little thought put into it just because the cast were good, the fx were great and they looked like they were having fun.
I just didn't feel anything:
When Vulcan got destroyed - nothing.
When Spocks mother died - nothing.
When Pike was captured - I forgot he was until the end.
As the film was mounting to it's climax - NOTHING!

Even action films I don't think are great have an effect on me :  I'm totally on board with Mclane when he's driving to catch the train in Die Hard 3 and my heart almost fucked it's self through my ribcage when Tom Cruise was being chased in the War of the Worlds. Nothing like that here. Just awe and lots of 'cool' moments. Which admittedly count for a lot here.

Star Trek was too busy trying to seduce me with it's peacock feathers, to actually make me care about any of that. It felt like a unfocused comedy. Less 'target the phasers at the bridge' than 'target the phasers fucking everywhere' - as we watch the Enterprise spinning through space like a disco ball, lens flare a gogo.
That was the film to me, like watching some crazed tap dancer. At first I'm thinking 'this is amazing, look how fast the feet are going' but after an hour I'm bored and just want to kill the bastard.
It felt showey, deperate, cloying and very much like Mardi Gra or some horrible party at 4am. And that's why I think most people enjoyit. It simulates a party. It's disorientating, colourful, giddy and everybody's excited and emotional. And that's the problem for me -  I've never enjoyed cocaine.  

Looking like you're having fun is essential to performing but it should be the entry level, not the reason a film is great. It's the fault of most of the action movies of the last twenty years that the bars been lowered so low.
And how exactly did Kirk manage to get to be captain anyway? By accident? It certainly felt that way. This might have mattered if the crew were presented in any sort of believable manner but seeing as it wasn't, you can get out of jail free ... Aaand exactly.

When I put all this to people who love the film, everybody saiys the same thing: 'turn your brain off and enjoy it' and 'yeah I know but it was fun wasn't it?'
And my answer to this? First of all - Why should I have to turn my brain off? I paid a tenner for supsension of disbelief, so it's the film's job to convince me, not the other way around. I shouldn't have to 'imagine' a film is good just for it to be so, surely?
 - Secondly, these are excuses. And excuses are what people make when they are defending something they know they shouldn't be.   
 
I'd finally like to point out again that I didn't really hate this, I just really object to it being labelled as brilliant, a five star film, when it's clearly just fun. The film it reminds me most of is Die Hard 2. It's great at going through the motions but in the end I really just don't give a toss.
My overridding memory was of a spinning, orange and pink explosion with a bunch of annoying lens flares plastered over it, and not much else.

Hello everybody,

I've some new work showing at the Monster Mash art show this weekend.

Isis - Holy Tears (new)
Paularay
The Eel

The exhibition features personal (and not so personal) projects from loads of UK special fx artists and is open from 10am to 4pm (9-10th feb).
The Old Sail Factory 11 West India Dock Rd

For more info visit:
http://www.myspace.com/monstermashgallery

Cheers,

D

Get this video and more at MySpace.com


   A short film I produced for the Hayward Galllery in London.
 
Commissioned by                                                 Paul Green
Music by                                                              Lustmord
Feet by                                                         Sunita Parmar