So.  Troy.  You need a life.  Because this work thing just ain't cutting it.

I may go to Napaul.  That could be fun.  Or I could work.  And not be broke for school.  Man, I am sick of putting in time until Humber.

Well, I've started to work out again.  Not that it'll help much, haha, jokes.

I had a REALLLY bad day at work today. A customer was like "get me this" and I was at cash, ringing him through, and I said "Well, i can either get it for you or ring you through." Yes, it was rude, and I ment it to be. He then called to store and complained. I was so mad. And everything was going against me. Bad customers all day, sold next to nothing, and the computers kept freezing, and we got a tonn of new product in, but HQ hasn't given us the new store planning diagrams, so I had to put a shit load of product in the store, but all with no place to go. AHHHH! Fuck. I was almost crying by the end of the shift. Then I had a customer that took about 45 mins, so i had to stay half an hour late, but he was the only nice customer I had all day, so I stayed. So it ended good. Then I hit every red light possible on the way home.

I am FINALLY over him.  And I feel so much better.  Whoot!  Now I am stuck inside because of the snow.  Booo.  And everything is closed so i can't go pick up guys.  Damn.  haha.  Like that actually happens anyways.

So I was wrong.  And it's over.  I am very sad.  But it is ONE emotion, it isn't confused.  It is the first time I've felt one emotion for a while.  I think I'll move on pretty quick, once I have a good cry.  My only worry is that he wants to stay friends, and that'll take a bit of time for me.

I now, truly know, his confusion.  And I know what he needs to do.  I just hope he does it, for the sake of himself and others.

You ever get someone SO FUCKING stuck in your mind, you think you're going to lose it?
Have you ever fallen asleep, and woke the next morning, only to have that person on your mind?  Still.
Some people might say I'm, well, many things.  And I am setting myself up to be bashed with this blog.  But at least I am honest.

I think the reason this boy is always on my mind is simple.  I don't know how he really feels about me.  The funny thing is, he knows that I need to know how people feel about me.  Why?  Well, I told him, and he re-itterated it to me once.  So he knows.  Yet he, as Melissa puts it, plays hard to get.

I find this connection Tom and I have to be a special one.  As I see it, we are feeding eachother's weaknesses.  I need to know how he feels about me.  He doesn't let me know, by playing hard to get.  He does this because he's afraid I'll lose interest, because he lacks confidence in friendships/relationships.  And I probably would lose interest if he wasn't play hard to get.

So, as much as I hate him not talking to me.  And as much as I can't stand the half assed convos we have sometimes... I love them at the same time.  It gives me a reason to wonder, to open my mind, and to analyze.

If I'm over-reading this situation, and it turns out he doesn't like me, I'll sound like a total freak.  But w/e.  I'll willing to risk it. And I think I am right.  I have been doing this dating thing for 3 years now, and should have a good handel on things.  Right?

Still stunned.

You know what I mean.

*sigh*

K, you deleted a really long blog I just wrote.  I HATE YOU.  Argh, I put a lot into that one.  Well, i got it typed out at least.  I am thinking of leaving you again.  btw, if I hear "HelllloooOO" ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, I AM GOING TO FUCKING EXPLODE!

Dear Life,

Wtf?  haha.  So I am not getting my hopes up this time, because I know how mean you can be sometimes, so I will play it cool... but I started talking to a real cool boy.  Just one convo.  He is super nice, from pictures he seems attractive, and we seem to see you generally the same way.  So who knows what will happen.  Right?  Right.  Well, I am meeting him tomorrow, at work, he says it's cool, so yeah.  His name is Nicholas, I like that name, so yeah.  I've noticed I've been saying so yeah a lot lately.   I really must stop.  So ye...  argh.

Well goodnight life, until tomorrow morning!
--Troy.


ps, i had a 167 blog views this week.  Holy crap!

I have no staple
I am falling apart
I could blame it on being alone
But it's just a cover up
I always crave to be noticed
Crave to change the world
Not just add to the dirt we live in.
But when your goals are threatened
By pending college applications
And by unproductive months inbetweeen
I can't stay focused.
The meaning is lost
Lost in everything I do.
Maybe this is where I find God?
God, where are you?
Computers are designed to be imperfect,
They can only handel so many bites until they drop a character
As computers, do we drop characters?
Do we get to a point where we no longer process, but just let go?
Is God the effective 'patch' that lets us ignore those lost bites?
Do we asign meaning to things thatn have none?
Or is meaning what we asign?

I listened to some music today.  A live orchastra.  It was beautiful.  Then I started thinking about how nice it would have been back before we had all this crap, and just thos nice instuments.  But then I thought, what about people at that time?
Is that where is illusion started?
Or were we born with it?
That bigger is better?
Faster is cooler?
Peak efficency.
100%
Pushing the limits.
We push them every day.
But are we happy?
Well I sure as hell am not.
All I do is 'waste time.'
My creativity is no purpose.
And now the only time I can find purpose is when I have someone to relate with.
Another damaged program, watching each digit drop.
Drop.
Drop.
It's like the rain I guess.
It falls, then evaporates.
A cycle.
When you begin to see this cycle, it hurts.
Because you know what ever you do,
Will end up being the same in the end.
If the world blew up,
Who would care?
Not me,
I'd be dead.
And if time stopped,
Or the universe collapsed,
What would matter?
All would end.
The program would be shut down.
Yet it somehow feels better when you have your animal instints,
To vent this mundane loss of purpose on attraction
Guys.
Innner instinct.
And if someone wants to tell be being gay is unnatural,
Then they can tell me why the only time i don't feel insane,
Is when I'm with one.

I laugh at the mess we have made.
We have fucked ourselves.
We have drove our own people to insanity...
Or simply ignorance.
Apply that patch,
May it be God,
A dilluted dream,
Or what ever.
Humans aren't natural.
We make no sense to the rest of the universe.
We call ourselves intelligent,
Yet the sun rising anf falling makes a fuck lot more of sense then what we have created.
We don't trust,
We imprision our own,
We kill our own,
With no survival or basic reason.
We just do it.
We don't even think any more.
We act, buy, consumer, talk, msn, chat, what ever.
It doesn't matter.
The point is I am stuck watching the cycle.
I can't ignore it,
But I have to.
It is just like a story.
The character has a need and a want.
I NEED to ignore the void of menaing,
I WANT to know the meaning of life.
At this point in the story,
The need takes over.
And I feel that way now,
That I can cover it up.
But just like that fucked up cycle,
Come tomorrow,
Or the next,
I will be back to where I started.
Falling apart.

It seems to me that I not happy.  haha, no worries, this isn't another emo blog.  I think I need to start changing my focus onto more stable things.  Like writing, working out, and my job.  Making that change in focus has been done before... just always seems to slip back to guys and fun.  I seem to have less fun when i focus on having it.  Make sense?  Who knows.

Mmm, I smell food.  Kinda smells like bacon.  at 4:44pm, that is a strange smell.  Hum.  So any way, i think I am going to go buy or rent a DVD tonight... kate is like never on msn, and I don't feel like driving to hang out with any one.  Gas prices are super high n e way.  I am limiting my driving to work until they come back down... or carpooling.

That's all.

--Troy

Well, I am one hell of an amazing person when it comes to reading people.  This was established again at bubble tea, because I knew Ann wanted to tell us more about her boy.  However, I was also totally wrong about something else.  Let me take a shower before i finish, brb.

* shower*
************NOTE: Please, if you are reading this, don't share.  I was going to make this a private blog, but I don''t like keeping secrets, but i just dont want to make things akward*********************

k, now i am wet and cold with my blankie.  So back to me venting.  The last while has been a mini rollercoaster for me.  Between SEARS drama festival, Staples, finishing highschool, and this boy, Tom, stuff has been... mixed emotioned.

So Tom is the kind of guy that I thought I could read at first... but i soon realized he is a very complex person.  And typically when I meet someone who is not ordinary, and I find attractive, and i seem to click with... i end up falling for them.  So I guess the big question would be, is he even into guys?  Well, Troy knows too many people for his own good.  His sources gave mixed information... but the fact that I didn't get a straight answer (excuse the pun) gave me hope.

It's hard to tell when you'r absorbed in someone, whether they actually like you back.  You focus on all the possible "I'm interested" signs, and ignore the non-interested signs.  Tom is a very physical/sexual type of person.  Don't take that as bad, but I mean it as in he will come up to you and hug you and slap your ass and stuff.  He has a way of making u feel important, and that he actually cares.  My problem was I just saw this good side, and ignored the obvious signs that he is simply like that.  More that I already knew, but i didn't want to give up hope.  I'm fucking pathetic.  I need a life.  I dunno why I'm like this.  I've gotten so many answers from different people, as to the root of my constant need for companionship.  I think I just need to know that I am cared for.  And I need someone telling me all the time, and I need it to feel real.

I've cried 3 times in the last 2 days.  It is also the other stuff that is making me rather unstable.

Why can't anything just work out?  I mean, just work.  It can have bumps inbetween, that makes it exciting... but why does everything always fall flat at a point.  Maybe it's me.  Maybe I like this.  I don't think I do, but I nsurprise myself all the time.

K, I'm going to get some water and sleep.  Maybe i'll feel better in the morning.  The bubble tea is probably going to keep me up.

OH.  And I figured out that he didn't like me when he started talking about this girl he likes that is away atm.  That was the closure I needed i guess.  He drove me home, and we talked in the car, and i can feel like I can close that chapter of my life now, haha... even though it was only about 3 pages long.  But i've had shorter chapters... go back one, and it was only about a paragraph with george.

The end.

That is when I wrote my first blog.  That is so long ago.  And I had to go back like 4 pages.  It's weird, it doesn't feel like I have been writing about my life that long, but I am glad I did.  It is amazing to see how much I have changed from '05... I would have been 16 turning 17 at the time.  As a kid, you always think you're mature.  You think you know everything.  It's rather annoying, but it's how we all develop.

At the time of this blog, John and I were dating.  I can see why he didn't feel comfortable around my friends.  Because everyone acts the least mature around there friends.  I am not going to assume I am any better now, because I am always going to be a bit whacked around my friends (or so I think).  However, I do see a change in how I act.

Crap, I'm going to be late from drama practice.  Totally slipped my mind.

Im off!

I had a 5 day relationship.  (wait, I know what your thinking, what's troy doing on myspace???  Well, I miss my blog dearly).  It was with George.  He is a nice boy.  But I think I kinda shell shocked him.  We do a lot of stuff when we're in a good mood that we later think about.  Haha, I don't mean that in a bad way.  I just mean, that when u first meet someone, there is almost a spark.  But it is the days that follow that tell you if it is worth it.  So if you can manage to think on your first date, restrain yourself.  haha.

Oh, and post-relationship is always the same.  No matter how long.  You have thoughts of past loves like a cloudy montage.  It is rather depressing, but not as bad as with a longer relationship.  To be honest, I feel pretty good.  The break up was mutual, because he didn't feel ready, and it felt kinda like a nose dive... and I was just hoping to be in a stable relationhip for a while.  But really, U can make a relationship work without true love... but not a long distance relationship.  While I'm at it, I would like to offer the Honorable Mention to Spencer Crone, for being the most interesting guy (in a good way) I have ever dated.  And um... I'll stop there.  Might need to make an awards night or something, haha.

Oh, and I dunno if John reads this, you are who I was talking about above.  haha.  Just incase u are still curious.  Guy, you're kinda in there.  But your more like a dream then reality.  Thanks John for being so strong when we dating.  You really cared.  And it still means the world to me.  God, look, I'm getting all sappy.  haha.

Any way, that is my blog entre.  Le fin.

So I made a facebook.  God.  But i made it cuz I know more ppl on facebook now then myspace.  but w/e.  No worries myspacers, not givin up the support yet.  But if the ads get much worse, I am ditching it.  Facebook is so bland... then again, probably less addicting too.

Whoot!ness.  I got a new computer at staples for 97 bucks... it was a referb, and it is about 3 years old, and a display model I think.  Who cares!  It's a Intel Pentium 4 HT 3ghz, firewire, 200gb, 512ram (planning to upgrade).  I put in a wirless card (had one), a 7300gt grpahics card (110 bucks), and I am using it over HD on my 32" LCD.... I am basically having a constant orgaism.  And if Spencer/Alex/Christopher is reading this, I fixed the resolution, It is almost as clear is VGA, and the only time it gets blurry is when your too far away, haha.  So I am sitting here, with my wirelss keybored, typing this, and about to try out a game.  After that I am going to the gym, then to sayle electronics to get some more cables and possibly ram (if I can find it cheap).  Now it's just a matter of putting Tiger on it, and I'll be the happiest kid on the block.