…awakenings…

…and another day begins, another day that most of us would consider just another incremental notch in the ruler of life towards the end…

…but today has a far different meaning for me… this day, my twenty-ninth birthday, is a moment of reflection for me, a time to look back at the path my life has taken thus far… and I can't see the beginning anymore, I've gone so far into the forest. All of the mistakes, blunders and pitfalls; All of the achievements, successes and happy accidents; every face I've seen, every friend I've made, every foe I've met, every betrayal and every unexpected ally, all of it. It's all come to pass thru my mind just one more time today.

Never would I have ever guessed that the path would lead me here, to this strange land of music collage, endless breaks, 170 beats per minute, bowel-rattling bass & where's the cue for my headphones? Where the fuck am I supposed to go for the connecting flight? I hope I don't freeze in my car tonight. If the cops catch me I'm in DEEP SHIT. Do I need a work visa to get in? You mean I have to pay to use the public toilet at Victoria station? Borsche has WHAT in it? YOU still owe me money you bastard, and you know who you are… Can I get a RELOAD? Watch the people freak out for this one… Thank you for this track brother… you had no idea what your music means to me... They wan't to sign it, are you kidding? I promise Mom, there is a future in this music for me, you'll see… someday, you'll see…

Confused?

I have been in some extraordinary circumstances, extraordinary for an average guy like me who lives where farmlands are becoming perfect places for suburban bulldozing projects, where the nearest city to me ties Seattle for cloudy days each year and forgets how to keep any kind of musical scene afloat, where the endless fastfood commodities and consumerism runs stronger than bloodlines. Ever since I hit that horrible low in my life, after losing everything I'd ever done musically in a fatal hard drive crash, my job disappearing before my eyes, the realization that my time in college was hardly worth anything… that night that I heard "Logical Progression" in that different light, and by different I mean under the influence of a multitude of substances and at total loss for what to do with my future… I feel very fortunate for losing touch, because without that experience I would have never been able to really figure out who I was. I needed life to knock my ass out and kick me in the gut while I still lay in the gutter. It was almost like I was putting off the future because I really had no direction, and it took till I was twenty-two to really figure it out. It didn't happen over night, by any means.

I don't regret anything that has happened, but for the longest time I thought that I did… I just hadn't realized that all these different choices are part of life's self-discovery. I always thought that I would figure out who I was, and that would be it and there would be no need to devote any more of my energy towards figuring out who I am! I thought the answers were finite… I hadn't taken into account that I would change as I grew, and that self-discovery is a never-ending journey, so the only way to keep sane is to keep trudging away.

And now with the beginning of my twenty-ninth year, I am more determined than I have ever been in my entire existence to reach my dreams… So much has happened already in ways that I had never imagined, I feel in my heart that I am destined to continue to pursue my goals to ongoing successes and to live my life the way I want to. I will never wake up for the beginning of another year of my life thinking regretfully on my actions in my past again. I will strive for success and keep on trudging along this path I've chosen, although the path feels more and more rugged as I go along, and I've noticed I can't see clearly where it goes into these thick woods…

I've reached the point of no return, officially. Time to really keep my nose to the grind and keep looking forward. Carpe deim and all that shit, to be blunt. So…

Onward!


Thank you to all who have helped me along my way, to all my friends and family who believed in me and pushed me to jump onto this colossal and wreckless music business train, to the love of my life, Mindy, for being my biggest supporter and inspiration, by my side thru thick and thin, to all of the people who come out to the shows and buy the music, and to everyone who has given me a reason to realize that I can make this dream happen. I feel very lucky and fortunate that my life has played out the way that it has thus far, and all of you who listen to my music and give their appreciation, you inspire me to continue, and I only hope that somehow I can inspire you in the way you have inspired me. To my Grandparents Jack & Shauna that I've lost this year, I miss you more than ever, and I thank you for continuing to push me, though now in spirit. To my dear friend Steven, I will never forget you… I say again, I'll see you on the other side brother, and I can't wait to hear what kind of music we come up with.

Strange, haunting vibrations on this cold night.

Memories and resolutions.

And now it's getting late, but there is plenty of oil in my lamp to last the night. I'll sleep when I'm dead. I'm looking out the back window into the dark, and a favorite quote from a Robert frost poem has come to mind yet again:


The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

yeah guys, this is it... the unfortunate retreat under the rock of writing music for me, or at least that is the way it would appear after the unfortunate occurances from the other night...

...not.

lets just say no soundcheck = bad gig by default... so many equipment problems and set-backs, distortion, and other various electronic gadjets that go bleep! when they shouldn't...

The first inclination is to hang your head in shame... watching half the bar clear out of the venue when my friends and I began to play... I can't blame anyone for leaving, hell... I wanted to leave, it was putrid... and for a live set, something I happen to think I shine at (and no, my ego isn't inflating, but thanks) to go as poorly as it did... well, I just don't really have words for the way I felt, except for I wish I was wearing the tanuki suit from Super Mario Bros. 3 and just turn into a statue that people wouldn't see as they walked by...

and then the realization that the situation was the fault, not any person in general... that made the shame and embarasment of the events that had conspired feel a little less painful. Also taking note that the people throwing the event had little to say besides "don't worry about it, these things happen, we know you're good, we just need to make sure everything sounds great before you go on next time"... slowly but surely those words were like morphine flowing into my brain, numbing that hopeless feeling inside and replacing it with a pleasant "I don't give a fuck" attitude. I began to feel like it was an easy thing to brush off, at least until the next morning...

..the memory of the negatives came rushing back, and the only way to keep them down with the alcohol and burrito slime I'd hammered the night before was to curse at them, give them the finger, and promise them that it would never happen again. Fuck the bad press, deal with the matter, and saddle up for the next showdown with technical difficulties at the O.K. Corrall.

I wrote all this stuff because every musician whose ever played before a live audience has had this same experience; having to deal with a bad show. This is simply my perspective on things, nothing more, and if it helps others to see how it makes me feel, or to have comparable experiences, then so be it. I guess where I'm really going with this is to say that bad gigs are always going to happen, and you can approach it from many different angles, but in the end, there is only one way to go, and that is to take the path of determination, and to keep pushing on, and sometimes saying "fuck it" is the best way to do it.