I generally believe that I've been cursed with a romantically optimistic outlook on life. While others imagine threesomes, whips, chains and chocolate syrup, I'm usually falling asleep to visions of a dependable man (usually resembling Ben Affleck or Keanu Reeves) at the helm of a sensible mini-van asI gaze adoringly from the passenger seat to our dozing curly headed twins gurgling in the back seat. I've had fantasies like this since I can remember and at the age of about twelve, I figured out how to make my dreams come true.
Twelve is the age that public school systems around the country have decided must be the onset of maturity. They have accordingly seen fit to separate us by sex in health class and let our gym teachers guide us into our adult lives. This is where I learned about menstruation. Shortly after I heard that word and the phrase "Becoming a Woman" I started paying attention. Omigod! Isn't that what guys wanted anyway? A woman. Not chubby, flat-chested girls with clean underwear. This would explain my friends' rush to acquire training bras and make it obvious that they were wearing them i.e. much strap adjusting and complaints about comfort. Suddenly, I wanted a bra too. Forget the ease of Wonder Woman underoos if it meant I would get to be a woman. I begged my mother for one, who literally couldn't see what all the fuss was about, but finally caved in. My younger sister Shari gave me puzzled looks as I modeled the newest in Band-Aid sized undergarments for her. What did she know? I was going to be a woman and I was damn sure going to be one before her. Next was to see if any boys noticed the change. This experiment proved discouraging until I was performing pull-ups in P.E. A classmate casually pointed out that the stupid thing was up under my chin. I guess I didn't anticipate actually needing breasts in my haste to own a bra.
Hardly daunted by the boys' persistent lack of interest, I continued on Phase 2 of 'Project Womanhood.' I needed to get my period. I was surrounded by girls swapping stories about their "first times" and their favorite cramp remedies, while the key to my maturity continued to elude me. Jealous of the budding women sprouting all around me, I prayed every night for stains on my sheets. I was obsessed. I even mailed off for a free sample variety pack of pads, believing that once they arrived, so would my period. After about six weeks of waiting, I discovered that that theory was all wrong, though I did wear a couple of the samples in an attempt to coax my shy womanhood out of hiding.
I was fourteen and a freshman in high school before I actually got it, and ironically, though quite prepared, I was also quite surprised. Shari, two years my junior, managed to get hers a couple of months after me. I despised her for that and made no attempt to hide my shock at the way life just handed her stuff. I believe she gave me another puzzled look. All in all, I began to regret the big hoo-haw I made over menstruating. I gained no admirers, just an unattractive cowboy gait for four days of every month. I've told friends about my adolescent pining for my period and the reasons behind it. These stories are usually met with furrowed brows and outright questions regarding my sanity. I shrug my shoulders, picture myself and Ben in our Dodge Caravan and reply, "Guess I'm just a dreamer."

it's the end of the holiday season and i find myself in a familiar mood. i'm taking stock of my life and wondering what my future will hold based on the decisions i've made so far. sometimes it all seems so chaotic and i wonder when i will stop feeling so tired or agitated or confused. i'll be 30 at the end of 2007 and the number alone resonates "milestone." i'm reasonably happy. i have my boyfriend who loves me, my friends (few but true) and my family (they all support me in their own ways). i have to say that i'm blessed to have learned so much through the experiences that add up to my life. that fact gets lost sometimes and i just wanted to take a moment to be really thankful. i bitch, i moan, i complain but the truth is i should be less negative because i have a lot that i overlook. so, this is me trying to acknowledge the good things that make up my life and the love that surrounds me. there is still growing to do and i know i'll fall apart from time to time, but i know i'll be okay if i don't get too lost in the details and let life happen instead of trying to control everything and everyone around me. my friends, my family, my love . . . i'll try to appreciate them more and remember how critical they all are to . . . my life.