The Sexby and Brown Trio were again arrested yesterday during the opening show of the The Sexby-Brown Trio Tribute Tour. The latest debacle occurred at a Kempsey Nursing Home - the first of a series of planned, low key, unpaid gigs around nursing homes. The gig was supposed to be the Trio's way of saying a big "fuck you" to all the grown-ups who told them they would never make it as a rock-stars. Yet, as the Trio learned, the F-word and old people do not mix well.

The recreation room at Cedar Place Nursing Home is a normally a safe haven of housie, talking to oneself and falling asleep while drooling freely. Yet all that changed when Beryl agreed to let the Trio perform (a decision she later described as the worst mistake of her reign as Activities Director). For a few brief minutes during Thursday's matinee performance, the Kempsey nursing home recreation room was a scene of mayhem as amplifiers, police batons, zimmer frames and adult diapers were hurled about.

The awful opening strains of the Sexby-Brown Trio's brand new original cover awoke many of the sleeping residents and word began to filter from hearing aid to hearing aid that Browneye may actually be a man. The mild unease among the aging audience grew to shock and outrage when T-Bone began screaming the chorus of The Bee Gees, Fanny (Be Tender with My Love). Each time T-bone dropped an F-bomb a set of dentures fell from another dropped jaw. One resident, wishing to be known only as Reg, later asserted that it was the first and hopefully the last time anyone would use such language in Cedar Place.

Typically, Browneye had not bothered to learn the lyrics, so while a drunken T-Bone shouted Fanny into the microphone, Brownstain accompanied on dance steps. Unfortunately the crowd was not receptive to his signature "bump, grind, half swivel and hair flick" move. Doris found Browneye's suggestive dance routine particularly offensive, "I'm all for young people enjoying full use of their hips, but that is no way for a young lady to behave." Morris was equally offended by Browneye, "prancing about like a bloody nancy boy; wouldn't have happened in my day."

The arrest of the Trio could result in a long stay in prison. If convicted the Trio will fall foul of the state's zero tolerance, three strikes and you're in policy. The pair are no strangers to the legal system. T-Bone has previously been convicted of offending the infirm and for fraud after he tried to set himself up as a charity. Brownstain has also had legal difficulties in the past relating to hair rage and protesting without a legitimate cause.

Prosecutors remain confident of securing a conviction despite not being able to produce a witness who could recall the incident more than five minutes after it had taken place. The prosecution case will rely heavily on the Trio's penchant for self-incrimination and the inability of Trio lawyer, Luke Warm to ever win a case. This remarkable record even stretches to cases where Warm represented both sides of the lawsuit.

On the upside, the latest tragedy in the catalogue of Trio failures has brought them the critical praise they have so dearly longed for. One critic described the onstage arrest of the Sexby and Brown Trio as the perfect tribute to the Sexby-Brown Trio. As Browneye was being ushered into the paddy-wagon, he shouted, "it's what the Brown-Saxby Trio would have wanted."

Death, it seems, can offer a whole new lease on life. That at least seems to be the case for the band formerly known as The Sexby-Brown Trio. Recently deceased Browneye and T-Bone have formed a new tribute band in honour of their heroes, Browneye and T-Bone. The tribute act is to be called (depending on which member you ask) either "The Sexby and Brown Trio," or "The Brown and Saxby Trio." T-Bone believes the addition of 'and' to the title is just the new direction the Trio needs.

"Initially we were going to add an exclamation mark but we decided that was too commercial. We have always favoured artistic integrity over fancy punctuation. We got rid of the hyphen which was confusing our fans and replaced it with the more sturdy, 'and.' 'And' is the most important word in the world, it is just not possible to make a sentence without it. You can't make sentences without 'and' you as much as you can't make music without Sexby Brown."

The new band have wasted no time in hitting the recording studio to record their first album; a tribute to the Sexby-Brown Trio. Initially the pair sought to collaborate with artists they admired to produce new interpretations of classic Sexby-Brown interpretations of other peoples songs. There was tentative interest from Michael Bolton and Simply Red, but nothing more. Browneye believed the lack of interest was for the best, particularly given Bolton's new departure from his trademark hair.

"Nobody admired the Trio as much as we did so it is only fitting that we do all the songs on the tribute album. Nor can anybody do the songs quite the same justice that we can." Browneye was also unfazed by those who have questioned the commercial viability of a tribute album to a band that never actually sold any albums. "The Brown and Saxby Trio are a new group with a new credit rating and we have an 'and' now."

T-Bone discussed the difficulties of producing an album in tribute to oneself. "We all know what a complete lack of impact the Trio had on music. It is quite daunting then to follow that up with something as irrelevant. We wanted to remain true to the sound of The Sexby-Brown Trio while bringing our style to the project. In the end it wasn't much of an issue because our covers of the original Sexby-Brown covers sounded surprisingly similar."

Browneye spoke positively of the pairs newfound unity and focus. "We still don't like each other, but we realise that there is something more important than T-Bone's drug problem and my hair solution. That is our fan." If all goes well and the tribute album gets off the ground and T-Bone's dad lets him borrow the car then the two are planning to take the tribute band on the road playing covers of all your favourite Sexby-Brown Trio covers in nursing homes across the suburbs. 

The music industry was deeply unconcerned to hear that two of its most unknown members have past away. Both members of The Sexby-Brown Trio met their demise in the past week in separate tragedies. Undoubtedly this tragedy has spared music lovers the even greater tragedy of the 7^th annual Sexby-Brown Trio reunion tour. 

T-Bone died in plane crash. A plane crashed into the talentless muso while he was on stage performing as part of the Britney's Epiphany tour. Fortunately no spectators were injured, mainly because there were none at the event.

 
Nor did T-Bone feel a thing. Moments before impact T-Bone was shot dead by an obsessed fan. The fan, who also happened to be his father, claimed he could no longer stand to see his son.

 
T-Bone never saw it coming. He was overdosing at the time. T-Bone's addiction to chicken schnitzel rolls resulted in him choking after a poorly deboned chicken breast became lodged in his windpipe.

 
T-Bone's agent, Luke Warm, has denied rumours, which he himself started, that T-Bone's death was the result of auto-eroticism. Warm claimed, "My former client doesn't even know what auto-eroticism is."

 
Warm maintained that the reason his client had been last seen stroking his throat was in order to remove the obstructing chicken bone. Warm offered no explanation as to why T-Bone was also strangling his penis with a belt.

 
Browneye avoided the same tragic fate since he was late getting on stage after a hold up in makeup. When he learned of the catastrophe that had engulfed his musical counterpart Browneye was devastated. He seemed most upset that that debris from the debacle had ruined the look he had spent so long perfecting.

 
Browneye retreated to the bath to cleanse and plan for life as a one man Trio. After the ill-fated shower-in protest Brownstain had been unable to step into a shower again without breaking down into tears. Through therapy Browneye had developed a recovery program involving hot baths, essential oils, aromatic candles and soothing Britney mood music.  

 
After a solid hour soaking Brownstain became so relaxed that he pulled the plug before getting out of the tub and thus inadvertently pulled the plug on his own miserable life. As the water swirled down the hole, his long locks also began to swirl down the sink hole. Brownstain's excessively large head was pulled under the remaining bath water as his hair became entangled in the sink hole. He was trapped under water by his own hair.

 
A violent wrench may have been enough to free Browneye. Most likely this would have meant a violent separation of hair from scalp. In the end it was a decision Brownstain could not take. Browneye surrendered to his fate refusing to be separated from his hair. A life without great hair was no life at all.    

 
Browneye was found by his therapist who went in search of the sensitive man of rock after he missed an appointment. Becky, a graduate from Islington Tafe majoring in Beauty Therapy, had been seeing Browneye in a professional capacity for a number of years. Despite being treated for trauma after seeing Brownstain naked, she spoke to disinterested journalists.  

 
"In two years of seeing me he has never been late to an appointment so I knew something was wrong. At first I thought he might have skipped town. He does owe the salon a lot of money; he always seemed shocked when asked for money instead of the signed posters of himself which he offered."

 
The Sexby-Brown Trio will also be missed by former groupie, Emily. When informed of the death of her idols she responded, "Who? Oh yeah I remember them now. I liked them when I was young, but I'm sixteen now and I have the kids to think of. I still have the memories, some cds they forced on me and a couple of T-Bone's kids."

 
Former manager, publicist, lawyer, exhibitionist, and drug dealer, Luke Warm was also philosophical about the passing of his only clients. "Death may give them a more marketable angle and boast sales, it certainly couldn't harm sales." As the Trio's sole beneficiary he also stands to inherit any loose change the band may "earn."

 
Disgruntled creditors on the other hand, now stand no chance of seeing any return on their unwise investment. When asked if his death was just a hoax to avoid paying his debts, T-Bone reacted angrily, "that's not true!" When pressed and asked if his death was a ridiculous montage of clichéd music deaths, T-Bone became even more incensed, "that isn't true either!"

 
Browneye is also on the defensive over the implausible nature of his own death. The effeminate rocker asserted, "My death had a simple patios about it." When asked if he meant pathos Brownstain insisted he did not care for foreign food. Browneye then clarified, "I don't have anything against Foreigner; they did a lot for hair in music, but their food is terrible."  

 
On life after death the Trio are as pathetic and unoriginal as ever. T-Bone plans to continue his unrequited love affair with fame. "I figure a couple of sightings in schnitzel joints around town will create a bit of mystery, intrigue and possibly anger. Or maybe my own spin off blog, 'Letters from Afar Away Place,' just like Vladimir Lennon."

 
In the short term Browneye is concentrating on fighting decomposition, "Well death is the enemy of good skin condition, so I will probably have to work out at the salon a lot more. I have heard that hair continues to grow even after you die so I'm heaps pleased about that."

 
As for the long term future Browneye is working on a mystery of his own, "I planning some sort of posth…, posthhuum…, some sort of after death debate as to whether my death was a tragic accident or a desperate act of self-destruction designed to highlight my crusade for fabulous hair in music. Martyr or loser, let the public decide."

 
The musical legacy of the Trio will never be an easy one to assess. Original, inspired, creative, exciting, innovative, and engaging are all words that will never be associated with The Brown-Saxby Trio. Music critics are divided between those who have never heard of the Trio and those who wish they had never heard of the Trio. Perhaps the best thing that can be said about the Trio is that their musical journey has ended. 

The long awaited comeback of the Sexby-Brown Trio may well have moved a step closer in recent days. It has taken the tragedy of close personal friend and mentor, Britney Spears to bring the two egos back into the same room. Like most of the bands history, the impetus for this new initiative has come from T-Bone. T-Bone was first to offer support for Britney Spears in her hour of need by focusing attention on her achievements.

"If it wasn't for Britney I wouldn't be where I am in the dole queue today. Well I would be literally, but not metaphorically, if you know what I mean. Anyway, Britney really brought it home to everyone that hips, hair and sultry looks are far more important than education. It's a lesson I learned from her and I hope it's one the fans learn two."

Brownstain, as always, was a little slower to recognise Britney was in trouble. Perhaps his own problems with Bicardi Breezers and incense clouded his judgement. Browneye dismissed Britney's tendency to drink and marry as simply the responsibilities of being a pop idol. Nor did Browneye see any danger in Britney abandoning her children, questioning: "Well, who hasn't abandoned at least one child?" Yet Browneye could not ignore Britney's decision to shave her hair and its wider implications for the pop industry.

"Sure it is a blow to the movement for fabulously haired people in music, but it just makes us more determined. Successful activism is like great hair, it doesn't happen over night. You have to be willing to condition, then rinse and repeat. That is why I have decided to remain in the shower for an entire week doing nothing but conditioning while wishing Britney's hair well in its recovery. This shower-in could just turn the tables in the struggle to eliminate violence against natural hair growth."

Browneye's recent activist zeal has been earning him widespread praise. Brownstain's Mum was quoted as saying, "it is really good for him; he spends too much time alone in his room with his hairbrush." Brownstain's father was a little more restrained in his praise. "I always thought he was a tragic mistake that would accomplish nothing in life; I guess I was only half right." The chance to gain greater activist cred and help a friend meant Browneye had no hesitation in responding to T-Bone's call.

The idea to help Britney came to T-bone after a recent spiritual quest. Tired of living in the giant shadow cast by Browneye's hair - and desperate for some character arc - T-Bone found Jesus. He found Jesus at the sex club, Second Coming, where the spirit of Christ entered him. Distressed witnesses claim that it was in fact, the Anal Intruder 9000 which entered him. Regardless, during that crucial moment T-Bone had a vision of a crucifix which he later noted, "resembled the letter T, which is like, my name, so it was like, extra spiritual and profound and that."

After reading the good book - The Da Vinci Code - T-Bone recognised important parallels between his life and Christ's. "We were both long time virgins with a thing for prostitutes who fell foul of the law." When T-Bone learned of Britney's fall from grace it was only natural that he should ask himself, what would Jesus do? Apparently the answer was he would do a Britney appeal album, "She's like my Mary Magdalene". According to T-Bone this could be the best album ever, "just look at what religious conversion did for the music of Bob Dylan and Cat Stevens."

From the moment he emerged from the shower, Browneye was also a changed man. Browneye was a little dejected about the lack of immediate success from his shower-in. The only tangible result from the week long shower-in was in Browneye's appearance. "My skin is so fuckin wrinkled I look like a Gold Coast pensioner, my hair is so flat from all the conditioning I look like Cousin It and since the hot water ran out after the first twenty minutes I think I might have pneumonia. Christ, you know it 'aint easy, the way things are going, they're gonna crucify me."

Having experienced his own Christ like suffering, Browneye was more understanding of both T-Bone's conversion and the need for a benefit album. When quizzed about T-Bone's conversion Browneye was philosophical, "Jesus, unlike those skin-head Buddhists, had great hair and he died so that we could too." On the potential success of the benefit album, Browneye was even more philosophical, "Britney helped start our career, now she can help end it."

In a world wracked with conflict and inequality the Trio believe they can make a big difference. "We can solve all the world's problems with just one good single and a few crappy album fillers," stated T-Bone before retreating to the toilet to compose the elusive good single. Such is the progress of reunion talks that the Trio have already given the Britney benefit album the working title of "Livin' on a Hair". The demise of a close personal friend, a passion for hair, a religious experience and just a little more therapy could prove to make the 14th Sexby-Brown Trio reunion the most disastrous yet.

Hundreds of dissapointed punters were turned away for Cardiff's Millenium Stadium in Wales a few weeks ago. While many claim that although said punters may be upset that the $1000 upwards tickets were not refunded, they can see the last minute cancellation was worth every penny.

The event was the brain child of Brown-Saxby Trio member Browneye and good friend Leo Sayer. The fundraiser was touted in the media as one of the most important and elite gigs for charity seen since Sir Bob Geldof's rich-people-leg-hump Live Aid. Hair Clip was developed to raise awareness and provide support for musicians not getting the break they deserve due to their fabulous hair.

A belated press release was issued from Browneye's office (his bedroom). Rumours that his delayed response was to do with his recent aquisition of Football Manager 2007 have been claimed by Brown as completely true.

Despite this he went on to explain the mix up with the Hair Clip fiasco. According to Brown, the mix up arose due to yet another travel booking "oopsy" by manager Luke Warm. Brown was surprised to find himself not at the airport in Cardiff, Wales but at Cardiff train station in Newcastle. "The fact that we were due to leave Hamilton just half an hour before the gig was due to start was a little worrying at first," Brown said "but I went with it. Then when handed the Cityrail tickets and only having to hand over $2.30 for the travel expenses I thought: Great! I didn't realise travelling to the other side of the world was so cheap!"

However, Brown found out just 2 and a half minutes later that he had arrived at Cardiff. "I was amazed how much Cardiff in Wales looked just like Cardiff in Newcastle. And so close! I was a little concerned that there was no media, other bands or fans there. But I pushed on." Brown proceded to begin his performance standing on a platform bench and had only made it half way through the crowd-favourite classic "Why Does It Always Rain On Me" when Cityrail staff and irate pensioners forcibly removed him from the 'stage'.

"Sure I'm dissapointed" Brown lamented "but I know this will just go down as more activist cred for me. I can say: I stood up for something. Sure, I only stood up on a seat at a train station, but I stood up. And you can't get much more important than the issues of fabulous hair in music. Actually I heard Bono was so touched by my actions he is considering using me in his next campaign to save white rich kids from real and meaningful political action by making some expensive ads "informing" the Western World of the evils of Communism"

While Brown is yet to hear from Bono personally, he has stated he will only work with Bono if he lets him touch his blow-fly glasses.

Besieged rock legend Paul McCartney received some surprise and unwelcome support from a fellow, self-described, "rock legend" this week. The media have had a field day since divorce papers leaked to the press allege that McCartney drank and smoke to excess as well as beat his former wife.

The widespread condemnation has not stopped T-Bone from leaping to the defence of McCartney. T-Bone - formerly of the Sexby-Brown Trio - claims to be a good friend of McCartney.

"Sir John and I became good friends when we realised how much we had in common. We both used to be in bands, we both have hair and teeth, yeah and other stuff too," claimed T-Bone. T-Bone went on to reminisce about the old days when the two often got together to smoke pot, drink goon and talk about how they would love to be successful musicians so they could beat small children and disabled women with immunity.

"George is now living the dream and we should all support him," claimed T-Bone. McCartney's legal team have denied their client ever had such a conversation or that Sir Paul has even heard of T-Bone. In response T-Bone gave a knowing laugh and said, "good old Ringo, trying to protect me from myself; it'll never work, I've tried it."

T-bone has his own problems after claims about a number of seedy incidents relating to past tours emerged. When asked about the head job incident from the Pantry Tour, T-Bone tried to brush the incident off with a quip about those "heady days." No-one laughed ... except T-Bone who seemed quite pleased with his own wit.

T-Bone defended his actions by claiming "The kick to the shin was just years of pent up rage, first this 'groupie' kept getting the name of the band wrong and then she had the audacity to offer me a head job. Everyone knows I am nothing like Brown-eye; I don't go in for all that hair and facial treatment business."

When bemused journalists explained to T-Bone what a head job was he looked both horrified and fascinated. "You mean people do that sort of thing to each other?" T-Bone queried, "oh yeah, I mean of course, yeah, I've had heaps of those things. That's how I got the other one pregnant."

When journalists explained to T-Bone how one became pregnant he looked both horrified and fascinated. "Oh, so the bits connect! Oh, yeah, I mean of course, I do that all the time. Either way she still owes me alimony." When journalist began to explain complex alimony laws to T-Bone they saw the vacant look and quickly gave up.

The press conference ended when the few remaining journalists left after being unwilling to devote any more time to T-Bone's sex education. Journalists were eager to get to a rival press conference across town where Brown-stain would be unveiling his ill-fated Hair-Clip aid project.

"So, what's a blow job then?" T-Bone asked the empty room.

Thanks to the wonders of the internet (that brought you such useful things as myspace and online gambling) we were contacted by one of the Trio's favourite kinds of fans: a fan. Emily had stumbled across the Trio's myspace and had a flood of memories come back that only years of therapy can help erase.

From her workplace - the take away shop in Mayfield - Emily puffed dreamily on her Holiday Milds and recalled her days as a "like, full on groupie" back when she was doing her Hair and Nails course at TAFE all those years ago. The following was said in one breath and the tape had to be slowed down for it to be transcribed for you here:

"I once offered Saxby a blow job behind the cans of beetroot backstage after the infamous Pantry show of the eastern leg of the 2001 Kitchen Tour. He kicked me in the shin, downed my entire 3 litre bottle of bacardi and V and stole my Botswanian hair extension before proceeding to vomit into his own graduation gown and divide the individual chunks into rank according to which peices most resembled original members of the Rat Pack. My friend Valerie had a similar experience after the Big Bookshelf Fundraiser the following month, but Saxby insists that she actually became pregnant during the incident and to this day attempts to receive absentee child support payments from her and her new husband Neville."

Saxby's own recollection of the incident is still to be heard. While the official history of the Brown-Saxby Trio will often be myopic and bogged down in backstage politics, there is nothing like hearing from the fans. So if you are unfortunate enough to have memories of your time on the road with the Trio or a racey accusation to hurl, feel free to leave us a message

In an exlusive interview with Brown-Saxby Trio hanger-on, world-weary Cameron Brown told of his version of events on the "Crikey, That Aussie Guy Is Dead, We'd Better Cash In Tour".

While Brown says he felt his in-flight political statements on the treatment of those with delicate skin was something he was not backing down from, he did point out that while Saxby's non-alcoholic wine and Tixylix induced performance of his new material was a good sign that Saxby was finally contributing something creative to the group. "Even if it was shit" he added. Saxby's continued Charles Bukowski impersonation was cut short when one passanger agreed to take him up on his offer to take on the whole plane in a fight, to which Saxby could only reply "Sorry, I meant...the other people. Not on the plane." And sat back in his seat.

Brown's recollection of the hotel incident was hazy. "It was like going to another world. Or like another country or something like that" said a wide-eyed Brown from a chair in Newcastle's Suki Hair Salon. "When I couldn't plug my crimper into the wall, I thought the country was so backwards that they were still using hair appliances from the 1700s or something. I mean, I'm not racist or anything - I know some tops people from the UK - but do you think I could get anyone there that spoke english?!"

Brown had been told on his arrival home by fellow muso, ex-Brit and friend Leo Sayer that converters were available. "But Leo knows what I'm on about. He moved over here because he found his hair wasn't being appreciated over there as much as it should." It was during a discussion over a perm that Sayer and Brown decided they would do their bit.

"This is going to be this biggest philanth.. philli...phi...charity thing that the entertainment industry has seen. Leo and I want to make a big poilitcal statement here, not some publicity stunt like Geldof's little "starving kids in Africa" lark."

What Brown and Sayer are set to hold is a charity concert for spectacularly-haired artists disadvantaged by the state of the industry. David Lee Roth and Phil Lynott are said to be on board for the project. "We just want to make a difference"

When asked how long he thought Saxby will use the dumpster mop as a Brown replacement he replied that "it'll never last. Saxby is nothing but a spotlight hog. Eventually he will get jealous of the mop's popularity, have a few on stage fights with it and tell it he's leaving. He will leave a few times but come back, sobbing into the mop's luxurious hair begging to be let back in. Until one day the mop will tell him he can't come back anymore. I've seen it all before."

The fan of the Sexby-Brown Trio has been heartened by the success of the band's latest tour. The group, who have always styled themselves as a live band rather than a studio band, recently undertook their first European tour. The tour was to promote the bands new single, "Crikey, it's a Long Way to the Top." The single got off to a shaky start after allegations that the song was blatantly plagarised; a blatantly sad attempt to cash in on the demise of Steve Irwin and blatantly hard to listen to. The B side, "A Little Sting Ray of Sunshine" did little to refute such claims.

Nevertheless, the adverse publicity seems to have worked. The single has gone on to outsell all other Sexby-Brown Trio releases. The single has gone brass, selling ten copies worldwide. When asked about the success of the single, Brownstain seemed bemused. "I didn't even realise that the band was back together," stated the out-of-touch rocker. T-bone, the driving force behind the group, believes the success of the single is due to the CD covers close resemblance to that of the Beatles White Album and the bands strict policy of no refunds.

Negative publicity continued to follow the band to the other side of the world. There was a minor scene at the airport check-in counter when Browneye had to spend his "Amsterdam money" on a fine for exceeding the baggage limit thanks to his three suitcases of hair care products. Then, when told he couldn't take moisturising products on the flight because of heightened security, the rocker had to be restrained by airport security. "Don't the fuckin Nazi authorities realise how badly planes dry the skin and clog the pores?" Brownstain bellowed all the way across the skies of Asia, much to the annoyance of other passengers.

One of the few passengers unconcerned by Brownstain's anti-establishment wailing was T-Bone. He was high on free liquor and cough syrup, and busily offending fellow passengers himself by loudly work-shopping the lyrics to a new song, "Doodles of My Doodle." The song was inspired by band manager Luke Warm's tour portfolio. It was supposed to contain hotel bookings, venues, directions and drugs, but instead contained only a series of penis drawings done on the back of beer coasters.

When the band finally arrived in London the tour took a turn for the even worse. After checking into the Ritz, under assumed names, the pair set about trashing the room. T-Bone, because he was high on cough syrup again, Brown because he came to the horrible realisation that his hair care appliances were rendered useless by the incompatible power outlets. After being kicked out of the hotel, Browneye grabbed his bags and headed for the airport. Browneye did not even entertain the possibility of getting a converter. It was obvious that the British had no appreciation of hair. Brown refused to stay in country where short haired men were so dominant in the industry. "It's as if they haven't even heard of David Lee Roth. People come up to me in the street and yell Robbie Williams, Cold Play, Blur. And it's a taunt" whimpered Browneye.

Feeling indebted to his European fans, and his creditors, T-Bone decided to plough on with the tour. When later asked about the adversity he had faced he simply responded, "What adversity?" Such is the stoicism and courage of the man, or the stupidity or possibly the cough medicine induced delirium. His first task was to get a replacement in for Brown. He started by approaching all the artists he had wanted to work with, Elvis, Roy Orbison, Johnny Cash, Marvin Gaye, Andy Gibb, Jimmy Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Mamma Cass, Janis Joplin. None returned his calls. When later informed about the deaths of these artists T-Bone maintained that they could still give a more lively performance than an under-exfoliated Brownstain.

T-Bone was approached by Chris Martin - who was desperate to replace Brown - T-Bone told Martin that he wouldn't lower himself. Then turned back to retrieving a half eaten curry from a dumpster. In the end T-Bone elected to replace Brown with a mop he found in the very same dumpster. The mop, when turned upside down and placed in a bucket of sand, provided the familiar Browneye hair, but had more personality. It also offered something neither band member had achieved in the past. The ability to stay upright for an entire gig. Loyal to the end, T-Bone rejected fan requests to permanently replace Brownstain with the mop. He did not, however, rule out the three of them getting together in the future for a duet.

   The recent cancellation of yet another Sexby-Brown Trio tour has left fans and critics alike wondering if the band could go any lower. They didn't have long to wait for an answer. Later that same evening T-Bone was arrested for exposing himself to a senior citizen. In a statement released to the media via his lawyer, Luke Warm, T-Bone claimed the whole affair was simply a "wardrobe malfunction". Yet there is only so many times that T-Bone can mistake people for fans and mistake requests for directions as requests for his underpants before his last shred of credibility, dignity and clothing are removed.

The latest incident occurred after the cancelled gig when an elderly shopper, eager to snap up a bargain, arrived a day early to a rug and lingerie sale. The senior citizen, Studley Dawson, 72 of Hamilton, approached T-Bone under the impression he was a parking valet. Mr Dawson told police that he was initially suspicious of T-Bone, since he doubted that anyone who appeared so shabby and smelled so badly could hold a job. Nevertheless, the World War II veteran asked T-Bone if the sale would begin soon. When T-Bone took off his underpants and demanded five dollars for them, the confused war hero handed over the money and fled. Mr Dawson - who is now being treated for shock - told journalists that people like T-Bone made a mockery of the sacrifices he had made in war. "I didn't fight and die in the war just so young upsarts..." Dawson was recorded as saying before the journalists got bored. Rather than simply apologising, the ever defiant T-Bone has now incurred the wrath of the RSL by claiming that he is also a war hero battling conformity through the power of rock.

T-Bone strenuously denied that he attempted to sell his underpants as a means of raising funds to cover the failure of his latest foray in the recording studio. His spoken word cook book album, aptly entitled "Recipe for Disaster", was a self-financed project that backfired badly. "Recipe for Disaster," T-Bone asserted, "was a concept album that the public wasn't yet ready for. My bold vision was to fuse rock, cooking and audio books into an artistic collage".Regardless of whether the failure of Recipe for Disaster lies with the fans or the crappiness of the album, it left the long term unemployed rocker desperate for a cash injection so he can in turn inject drugs into his veins. T-Bone's last chance to raise funds and avoid bankruptcy hinge on a plan to farm former band member Browneye's hair and then sell the produce to Russian beauty salons. Critics have labelled the plan hair-brained.

Meanwhile rumours continue to swirl as to the reason for the concert cancellation. Brown-stain mumbled something about technical difficulties as he fled the empty stadium to his awaiting bicycle. While nothing has been confirmed, there is a strong rumour that the technical difficulty was in fact a faulty crimping wand belonging to Browneye. One rumour that has been confirmed concerns a furious Browneye trashing his bedroom later that evening. Due to the unhygienic state of Brown-stain's room, he was forced to clean his bedroom before he could trash it. According to bemused housemates this only increased the wild man of rock's rage. The fury only subsided when Browneye chipped a nail. The crimping and nail debacle have resulted in Brownie checking himself in to rehab at Suki. All talk of a reunion is now on hold until T-Bone can make bail and until Browneye has finished exfoliating.