But I'm not.  I lost my job today.

he's having a rough day and the nurses are trying to get to know him, so that doesn't make it easier... But he is here. i got to hold him for 30 minutes. It's amazing to be able to see him again.

Check out the caring bridge website!

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/brodystolz

Frosty

So yesterday I tried to be Superman and go into work and stay there for the whole time because of a "chat" that I had with a superior.  Now I'm up at 5:00 and I made a mess of my bathroom.  I over did it.

Unfortunately the clinics here don't open until 7:00 and there isn't an after hour clinic.  I need to wait until 7:00 to find out if I have a bug, or if it's just my regular stomach crap.

Needless to say I'm scared as hell that it's going to be something that's going to prevent me from seeing my son.  I didn't want it to come to this.  I'm so upset at myself for being pigheaded and staying at work when I know I should have listened to my body and left at 1:00.

And in the Brody section, his MRI came back better to be expected.  The main damage seems to be done in his motor skill section of the brain, and not as much the intellect part.  So he might have a stiffening of the limbs, but that's it.  Who's to say that he'll walk or what he really will or won't do, but I have to say I'm happy with the results we have so far.  Brody's already started on the OT and is loving it.

We get Brody's MRI results today.  I know not to expect "good" news, or anything good from it at all, but I'm having a tough time anticipating the call.  I might lose it.  I know that it's not set in stone with his limitations, but I think it will be hard to hear what the doctor might say.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/brodystolz/

it went very well. He had enough of his diaphragm that he could sew it together. He had a part of his spleen, large and small intestines in his chest cavity. We should be able to see him soon.

please don't take brody out of your thoughts and prayers yet though. He is still on the ecmo machine and getting off of that and his recovery is going to take the most time.

thank you everyone. We couldn't have done any of this without you!!

http://www. caringbridge. org/visit/brodystolz  (take out the spaces, copy and paste)

First, look at the caring bridge website.  I want to put this blog in there, but Donna just updated it.  I want to make sure people see what is happening first before they see my reaction, and my thoughts.

Plain and simple though, he's going into surgery at 7am on Thursday morning.

I haven't cried much tonight, but my brain is protecting me I think by scattering my thoughts.  I want to be positive, and I AM positive that everything will work out, but as I was telling my Mom tonight, it's like knowing that you have 3 months to live.  Donna and I have prepared ourselves for Brody's birth and the surgery ever since we have found out that he would require extra care.  We have been through the stages of acceptance many times over and have hit the highs and the lows of the roller coaster ride.  Well, Thursday is that 3rd month left to live.  The time has come.  You knew about it, and you've come this far.  Now for Brody, he will live afterwards, so that's definately a positive.  But it's that unknown that is so scary.

I don't think anyone really knows what to expect when they open him up.  I'm under the impression that the doctors haven't gotten a "good view" and will do whatever is necessary to keep Brody alive.  But it's that unknown that is scary. 

Positive thoughts... Positive thoughts... Positive thoughts... Positive thoughts...

I don't want to ignore the fact that I might lose my son.  I want to understand it, but how? How does something like this happen?

Brody is such a beautiful boy, and he is doing so well.  This surgery is needed for him to live, the ECMO was needed for him to live, and Brody will have a normal, healthy life from now on.  I wish for that to be true, I hope for that to be true, I pray for that to be true, I know for that to be true.

I know that this is not a sprint and he will not get well overnight.  I know that the biggest miracle that could happen is that Brody will pull through. I also know that in order for that miracle to come true that it will take months, maybe a year (no one has said that it will take that long, but I figure it will be at least that long for him to "catch up", so don't go making any conclusions).  I know that I am also willing to do whatever it takes to keep him alive.

I love you Brody.  Your birth has given me the best and the hardest days of my life. From finding out that Donna was pregnant, to finding out that you had the DH, to seeing you be born, to seeing you go into this surgery.  I love you...

As I write this, I don't want this to become a goodbye.  I want this to be a testament to what you mean to me.  To let you know that I will do whatever I need to do to give you a good life.  I will always be there for you, and I will support you in whatever you decide to you.  I will not try to force you to do anything, but to guide you because life will always be more special to you, and you probably will never realize it.  When you get better and are in your teenage years, and probably even before that, you will never have to think about the pain that Donna and I are going through now, or the joy that we will go through when we finally will be able to hold you in our arms or take you home.

Also, I want this to be a message to everyone with a child.  Love them, hold them, and never take them for granted.  Never overlook the small things.  Sure, you may not like having to get up in the middle of the night to feed you child, but I don't know that feeling, and I should.  You may get annoyed because you toddler will never shut up or your baby won't stop crying, but I have never heard my son cry.  Don't tell me that I'm lucky for that.  Shame on you for not realizing what it is that you have.

Cherish your children, no matter what age, and they will never become embarressed of you. Always show them love and that is all they will know.  They will grow up thinking that hugs are good and that going places as a family is normal, instead of thinking that you're weird.  Have your kids think that everyone else is wrong.

I know that I'm rambling a bit, but I speak from the heart. Everything that I say now I want to say to Brody. I want to make sure that he understands what love is from a parent and realizes that it's hard to understand it as a child, and you don't really understand it until you have children of your own.

With that, I will be leaving with my parents (in separate cars) tomorrow at noon and will see Brody around 5:00.  I hope to be able to see him again before the surgery, and then afterwards to make sure he's ok.

I love you Brody.  There's so much on this world that you need to experience.  You don't want to pass it up.  Life is such a wonderful thing. I love you.

Please click on the link below and you can be sent to Brody's Caring Bridge website. It's a free website that we can put Brody's newest pictures and tell everyone of his story. You can also sign up for email notifications if new pictures or journal entries are added.

http://www. caringbridge. org/visit/brodystolz (copy, paste & take out the spaces)

Also, please sign the guestbook so that we know who all came by.


Brett and Donna

today at 3:04pm brody was born via c-section. He weighs 5 lbs 13 oz and is hooked up to a heart and lung machine called an ecmo. Donna is doing good as well.