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The Incorrigible Jeff Blazer The One Who Puts The OG in dOGma

Jeff Blazer --

Brad Barrett


Last Updated: 11/28/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 77
Sign: Scorpio

City: Burke
State: Virginia

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Monday, October 26, 2009 
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Friday, September 25, 2009 

Category: Blogging
Fuck, man. Time does fly. It seems like only yesterday that it was 2001. Well, truth be told, I did spend the last 8 years in a blackout. However, I'm happy to say this past year has been productive. On one hand, I lost a lot in my life. I lost a job, all my money, some friends, my car, even some bad habits -- on the other hand, I gained insight, education, and experience I couldn't have gained had I not lost those other things. I'm an extreme guy and it takes extreme things to wake me up sometimes. But now I'm on two feet, restoring old things lost, and building a better future. I'm a fucking Phoenix, man. However, I'm a little ashamed to type right now that I didn't play much guitar at all this year. Sure, I noodled with it here and there, but it was a kind of nervous tinkering that added nothing to my playing. I guess the best thing to come of it was a few funny Youtube videos I posted. Don't get me wrong, I'm passionate about guitar, but I had to prioritize this year. I'm actually quite lost for words. I'm out of practice thinking out loud. The only typing I've done for the past year has been work related, and quite frankly, without the booze, I'm critical of my flow of thought.

This was a good year. I accomplished what I set out to accomplish. But it was also a safe and boring year. A lonely year. I'm hoping I begin to take risks again. Smart risks. I could stand to make some new friends. Get a girl. That sorta thing.

Wish me luck.
Thursday, May 14, 2009 
Howdie folks! I just wanted to take a sec to inform everyone that I took a break from Myspace to pursue a graphics art career. This entailed building an entire portfolio of work from scratch, learning new software, and networking like crazy. For those reasons, I have not made Myspace a priority. But I at least wanted to let you know where to keep up with me.

http://jeffblazer.posterous.com
http://www.twitter.com/jeffblazer
http://www.jeffblazer.blogspot.com
http://www.youtube.com/jeffblazer74

In addition, if you care to see my graphics work or are currently in the market for such work, you can visit my own domain at:

http://www.bradbarrett.biz

All comment, questions, and feedback welcome.
Thus for now, I hope to hear from you via one of the above media outlets.

Brad Barrett is Jeff Blazer



Thursday, October 30, 2008 

Category: Blogging
I saw some poacher kill a walrus and its fate was sealed.

The world's heaviest man, who'd been bed-ridden for 6 years, got married. He was hauled to the alter on a flatbed truck. Talk about going out of your way for some cake... geez.

I recently saw a documentary about women who buy a particular baby doll called a Reborn and treat it like a real baby. They decorate a nursery, they push it in a stroller, and even publicly coddle it with love and affection. Is it really a mystery why no one will fuck'em?.

I saw a malpractice commercial on tv last night where the lawyer said, "If you've been injured or even killed, call us."

I was playing Quija with 3 dyslexic people -- and interestingly enough -- the spirit we summoned couldn't spell shit.

There is a time and a place for everything -- except for cock fingering.

I just realized something -- I'll probably never see a baby hummingbird. Never mind.

Who runs out of gas? Women run out of gas. Men don't run out of gas. You'll never hear this conversation in your life: "Hey Bob, it's me, Chuck. Would you mind picking me up? I'm on the interstate and I ran out of gas. Nope, the needle's fine. I normally know how many miles I've got left when I'm on empty but I guess the strip club was further than I thought."

I was watching a show called "Untame and Uncut." It's about animal/human encounters that go wrong. Some guy was deep sea fishing for swordfish when the 600 lb. marlin he had hooked jump into his boat and rammed its sword straight through his mouth. There's no punchline here outside of getting a swordfish stuck in your face.

Do you microwave your toothbrush? I mean, to kill germs? I tried to, but it kept getting in the way of my movie theater-butter popcorn.

Some things are better left unsaid, but sometimes telling someone to take a flying fuck is exactly what's needed.
 
Wednesday, October 29, 2008 

Category: Blogging


I'm Speechless.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 

Category: Blogging


Awkward!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008 

Category: Blogging
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Sunday, October 19, 2008 

Category: Blogging
Bloody Manor is something of modern folklore for Southern Maryland residents as Bunnyman's Bridge is for local Virginians. 25 years ago a dilapidated house could barely be seen through the wooded thicket along side a barren stretch of Rt. 5 in Waldorf, MD -- a house formidably known as Bloody Manor. This house, once abandoned, is said to have been purchased by a nearby gas station & company who publicized it as a "haunted house" and marketed tours on Halloween. However, the stories that quickly circulated by those who sought its entertainment had no redeeming quality in their horror.

That gas station crew -- who remain nameless -- were, quite frankly, mechanics of mayhem. Bloody Manor had nothing to offer for those who wanted a friendly scare. There were no ghosts on wires or rubber bats -- there was only a visceral terror of which free admission wasn't even worth the price.

I can only recall the story as it was told to me and pardon any inaccuracy. As I understand it only small groups of people were allowed in the house at a time, fitting for the Manor since there was never enough of the brave to form a crowd. Almost as soon as this small group entered the house the door was slammed and locked behind them. The lights go out and someone is snatched from the group by hands that plunge from the dark. There is no music, traditional spooks, or ghoulish props -- only the sound of entertainment turning raw. Disoriented from the group, the lone victim feels themselves being placed into a wooden box and hears a lid being nailed shut. Suddenly, they feel a weightlessness as this box is carried at both ends by several breathy figures. Now dead leaves rustle beneath feet and the air gets thin and cold. This person in the box whines for a refund or some morality and it's simply too late. A sudden amplified silence begets their fear in anticipation -- and the rev of a chainsaw just outside their box has their worst fear come true.

The remaining cast still lost in the grip of the house now listens to two very frightening things: a chainsaw and their imaginations. But it doesn't stop there. The chainsaw begins cutting into the box, randomly peering through the wood to prove the chain is toothed. The person in the box has woodchips stuck to their teary cheeks, a veracious reminder that there's nothing funny about a chainsaw.

I cannot tell you what was to become of the people who went in that house or the person who was to be born again in that box. I can only tell you that Bloody Manor came under intense scrutiny for its practices and was eventually shut down. The house stood for a few years before a construction crew destroyed it. The nearby gas station, too, went out of business. Those mechanics are angry and at large.
 
Sunday, October 19, 2008 

Category: Blogging
I am the undisputed Scrabble champion... of this household. Sure, I may not be able to beat Michael Cresta of the NSA who scored 365 points with one word and a total score of 830, but that's because I prefer to have vaginas in my life. My best word was 89 points and my best score, 389. And I'm sorry but... anytime a Scrabble team player is cited as having "returned from a 5 month hiatus" I can only assume they were injured in a horrible Yahtzee accident. Sure, you could play "sesquioxidizing" as a triple-triple for 1674 points if you care to look over the taped bridge of your glasses to see a future devoid of any chance of a woman's touch. Even beyond the soft rapt of keystrokes of this blog about Scrabble I can hear pussy packing its bags and moving to Canada.
Sunday, October 19, 2008 

Category: Blogging
October 4th, 1994 was the day the Telecaster died -- and its name was Danny Gatton. Rated 63rd on the Rolling Stones "Greatest 100 Guitarists of all-time" list, Danny Gatton's unique blend of improvisation and rockabilly gave birth to a new genre -- redneck jazz. Nicknamed "The Humbler" for his unassuming ability to trounce guitarists in head-cutting sessions, Gatton's virtuoso was grounded by his patent bashfulness. It were as though he was a farmboy cursed with talent.

My father and Gatton were school mates, describing Danny as a once shy boy with a duck walk. Though what he didn't say with words, Gatton preached in notes. I was fortunate enough to hold one of Gatton's late guitars, paying all its due respect by not playing it. Danny Gatton did in fact put a gun to his head, but he put music to the world and blew its brains out.
 
Friday, October 17, 2008 

Category: Blogging
Two weeks ago President Bush visited Guernsey Office Products, my former employer, in a last ditch effort to reassure small businesses and encourage the "entrepreneurial spirit."

Tuesday, October 14, 2008 

Category: Blogging
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Sunday, October 12, 2008 

Category: Blogging
I was watching some makeover show where the goal was to turn some goth-punk-suicide-fairy into a "normal" girl. But the problem that I took with the show was that the girl getting the makeover was perfectly happy with the way she looked. She had character, style, and a sense of humor -- and two tricked-out Covergirls with Barbie clothes and over-sized sunglasses were trying to tell her she desperately needed to change. They were trashing her wardrobe and appearance as if to say, "If you don't look like one of us, you aren't healthy or normal." They insisted on probing into her childhood as if some traumatic childhood experience could explain the "apparent dysfunction" expressing itself through her style. The girl was only doing the show for fun because a friend put her up to it, only to have two stereotypical blondes tell her she needed to look like them to feel good about herself (they even dyed her hair blonde). They trashed her really cool boots in exchange for red pumps and were sure to cover all her tattoos with the latest commercial trends. In the end it was less like a makeover and more like a cover up. The very thing that made the girl interesting and expressive had been substituted for beauty cliches.
Thursday, October 09, 2008 

Category: Blogging
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This is a really simple effect using CS3 which allowed me to turn actor John C. McGinley into Secretary of Treasury, Hank Paulson. It's accomplished by starting with two separate images and digitally grafting the actor's face on Paulson using multiple layers. The trick to stacking layers is to use the opacity function to see through them as you work. Erase away stray edges and use the blur and erase tool at low flow % to smooth edges. I also tend to touch up bad spots using the clone tool to patch colors that I need. This effect took 20 minutes and would be a great starting point if, say, McGinley was going to play Paulson in a movie and wanted to see what that might look like.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008 

Category: Blogging
Who cares if CEOs are paying themselves multi-million dollar bonuses right before the government rescues their tanked operations? And who cares if Alan Fishman gets $ 13 million for 18 days on the job with WaMu while it plummets into the financial gutter? All I know is we fucking put Martha Stewart in jail -- and if others aren't careful -- Betty Crocker, Aunt Jemima, and Little Debbie are fucking next! And the Pillsbury Doughboy? He thinks he's made of dough, huh? Well fuck him, too! We'll take the little, gigglin' bastard and throw him in Rikers right after we're done beatin' the filling out of Sarah Lee.