For a very long time, every time I would get my hair cut, I would think, "You know, I could do this. I'm OCD, so the hair would be perfect, plus, I'm good with people." I've never really looked into it, though, because there's such a negative stigma associated with hair dressers. "You are a failure at life if you go into cosmetology school."

Two weeks ago...maybe less...I cut and colored my nieces hair. I need to take pictures of it and put them up. I cut it at an angle, and even layered the back. I did it all just by assuming that I was doing it the right way. I colored all of her hair black, except for two strips in the front, which I dyed bleach blonde. It turned out....really good. Maura said that the kids at school think she has had it professionally done. My sister said she might have my cut her hair. I'd probably be more scared to do that, though, because it's adult hair. lol For weeks, I've been cutting my own bangs. Not just straight across, but actually styling them the right way. A girl at work mentioned that I should go to school for it.

SO...I think that I'm going to give it a try. I'm going out on Friday and applying for a pell grant at Alvareita's. We'll see what happens.

Okay, so on my last blog, I had some interesting comments. I don't agree with a couple, but that's what having friends are for. If you agree with everyone, life would be boring. I'm going to clarify a couple of things from my last blog, plus add some new stuff in. I'm doing all of this while pink highlights are setting in my hair. I've never...ever done anything like this before. I hope it turns out good. :P

So...marriage. I want to get married. I've always wanted to get married. I hope that I will get married and stay married the rest of my life. Society, though, has a different plan. Our guys aren't raised the way they use to be. They are raised in homes where it's okay to be single, with no sort of responsibility to anyone but themselves...and a few select buddies...for most of their lives. They may have a girlfriend or two, but they've been trained that as soon as the hint of commitment rears it's head, it's "cool" to back off. It's almost as if society says that it's okay for men to be scared of commitment, because "that's how men are." Normal women who just want an end to the confusion of "is he sticking around," get labeled as psycho and commitment-holics. Now, I KNOW that not all men are like this. I have friends who have found the most wonderful men, who aren't afraid to be adult and have adult relationships. That's really all it boils down to...fear. Men are afraid to commit...and it's stupid. If you commit, and it fails...then, it fails. Pick yourself up and move on. It's that easy. You'll never know, though, unless you actually try.

Religion. oh...lol. There might be a higher power...I don't know. I'm not going to be as self righteous as some and say that I KNOW...because I don't. No matter how much faith you have, deep down, you KNOW that you DON'T know. I'm sorry, but again, I can't believe in something with no proof. Don't give me the crap about, "Well, you can't SEE the air, but you know it's there." Yes...I know that, but it's been scientifically proven that it is there. Without it, our lungs would not expand, bringing in oxygen...yada yada yada. You can't say you FEEL god. You have normal human emotions. You have thoughts of divinity that lead to some kind of endorphine enduced high that makes you think that some big, bearded man in the sky has entered you. Why is god a man? If there IS a god, how could it be so confined as to be labeled male? God made man in his own image...then made Eve? Seriously? Wow. How can you not see that is was a MAN who wrote that?? Religion kills. I've never heard of a war in the name of atheism. When my mom died, all thoughts of a higher being went out the window. There was nothing divine about the way she lived or died. She suffered. She was locked into a loveless marriage with a man that didn't treat her like the amazing woman she was. Why would god do that? To test her? No. It's just what happened. She decided to marry him, and decided to stay with him. No fate...no plan...that's just how it is.
Another thing is homosexuality. How is that a sin? If two people love each other, why shouldn't they be together? Don't tell me disease. Heterosexuals get STD's. Procreation? There are too many people on the earth. Maybe, just maybe...homosexuality is natures way of thinning out the population. Maybe, JUST maybe...uptight religious fanatics who were bent on a "perfect" society slipped the little bit into the bible about homosexuality being a sin. I can't see how anyone who thinks homosexuality is a sin can tie their shoes by themselves.
Handicapped people are just a flaw in genetics....just as genius' are. If there was a god, though...there wouldn't be handicapped people.

The sad part about everything is that I want to believe in something. I've struggled for the past few years, being scared that this is it. Can I really believe that once we die, we die? I would love to think that I get to see my mom again. I still haven't accepted her death totally. I was telling my niece a week or so ago that I'll think about mom sometimes, and think for a brief second that she's not dead...that she'll be here the next day. I still can't believe that I'll never hear her voice again. I've actually forgotten how her laugh sounded.

Okay...I need to check my hair. Again, I will accept all comments, whether you agree with me or not. I like a good, healthy debate. :)

  ~R

Here are some random thoughts...

As much as I'd love to be believe in the idea of everlasting romance, I think I have lost the faith in it. I think it's an antiquated notion that was set upon our society to keep the women in check and keep the men happy. No, that's not a feminist talking. I'm just saying that I don't think we, as a species, is meant to mate for life. Maybe there is a reason that so many marriages end prematurely. I think people lose interest in each other too fast. Especially nowadays, in the era of bigger, brighter, better.  Romance is dead.

I've often wondered what it would be like to not be smart. I also wonder if I am indeed not smart, but oblivious to that fact. People that don't have any common sense are completely oblivious...so, what makes me think I'm any different?

I don't think there is a god. I have finally come to that conclusion, after working with the mentally handicapped. How could a god put these people through a life of having to be taken care of day in and day out. Please, don't give me the bullshit that it's to test everyone else. That makes me hate religion even more. I don't believe in Karma anymore, either. Bad things happen to everyone, just as good things happen. Your own choices and actions lead to the outcome...not some divine purpose or plan. Karma, and other ideas like it, is just a way to make people feel better about bad things happening to them...and a way to not blame themselves. "Oh, well, the devil had a hand in my power getting shut off, because bad things happen." No, you didn't get a job, which would lead to you paying your bills on time. Ugh...people need to step up and take responsibility.

I'll write more tomorrow night. These sort of thoughts go through my head all of the time, but I never share them. I want to start writing them down.

Feel free to give your opinions. And, if you were offended by my views on religion, just remember...you chose to read it...I warned you. ;)

  ~R

Mike never reads my blogs, so I can say this...

I'm so in love with him. Like...way over the top in love with him. I know some people may not approve, even though  no one has actually said so...but, just know that I know more about the situation than anyone...besides Mike. Trust me in that what happened a few months ago, will not happen again. If he does leave me again, or we decide to mutually split...then, I will be able to stand on my feet without crashing again.

But...

I trust him. He has told me so many things, and confessed to lots. He and I are working on fixing ourselves, and helping each other out in the process.

Oh...and he's a great daddy, too. :)

So...I love him. That's it. :)

  ~R

Uh oh....the quintessential OMGITSTEHNEWYEARLOL!!1!ONE blog...maybe.

Let's see....we'll do this in list form.

What happened this year...

January-
 1. Started talking to Mike again on the 4th. :)
 2. Moved out of Val's and into icky apartment.
 3. Got back together with Mike. <3
 4. Got pregnant. lewls.
 5. Got my kitties back.

February-
 1. I believe I quit Rally's. Woot!

March-
 1. Had my first doc appointment for the baby.
 2. Started work at Walmart.
 3. Started working on Cottage Hills house.

April-
 1. Got Cosmo back.
 2. Left Walmart, due to problems with pregnancy.
 3. Introduced Mike to Everclear on his birthday. LOL

May-
 1. Moved into Mike's grandparent's house.
 2. Nolan turned 6.
 
June-
 1. I turned 26.
 2. I lost my Kia.
 3. Heather turned 37.

July-
 1. Not a whole lot happened this month...

August-
 1. Cosmo died.
 2. The Cottage Hills house got taken away.
 3. My grandma died.
 4. Mike started moving his stuff into the Godfrey church house.

September-
 1. Put in the hospital to induce labor.
 2. Mike said he wanted to give Evey up for adoption. I agreed, because we both thought it would be best for her.
 3. Went home, because labor wouldn't happen.
 4. Mike said he couldn't see me anymore.
 5. Talked to a lawyer about adoption.
 
 October-
  1. Moved in with dad.
  2. Gave birth to the most BEAUTIFUL little girl ever. I fell in love with her and knew I could never give her up.
  3. Almost committed suicide...decided to start taking meds for post partum.
  4. Got LOTS better, but was still sad over Mike.
  5. Went to a movie with Mike.
 
 November-
  1. Got my computer hooked up to the net.
  2. Started talking to Mike again.

 December-
  1. Mike met Evey...and fell in love. :)
  2. Got back together with Mike. :)
  3. Learned how horrible my dad REALLY is.
  4. Got kicked out today. Woo.

I was going to write more....but I just had a huge fight with my dad. He just started dating a woman in late October. He wants to bring her and her drunk godson, that he has only JUST met, into the house tonight with my 13-year old niece, my nephew, my son, and my infant daughter. How does he know that this guy isn't psycho? Most serial killer's families don't even know what they truly are.

I hate him. I've never hated anyone in my life. I truly and utterly hate him. It should have been him, and not my mom.
 
 

Quit fucking reading my blogs you nosey motherfucker. You need to get a fucking life. Stop poking around in mine. Quit telling her to stop talking to me, too. That will never, EVER happen. I am, and always will be, more fucking important to her than you.

Assclown.

Everything is going really well. Yes, I had an anxiety attack the other night...but, oh well. lol
I went to the ER last Wednesday. My chest was killing me, and had been for quite some time. When they checked my blood pressure, it was 156/105. That's not good, to say the least. I am now on blood pressure meds, and I'm starting to feel better. Woo!
I still need a job. Any suggestions?
Mike met Evey on Friday night. Oh...oh my. He was so wonderful with her. She just laid in his arm and cooed at him. Instant bond. :) He told me that he's absolutely in love with her. We're working things out, but slowly. That's the way it should be. He has so much good in him, and he's really trying to focus on that. No, that's not a line he has fed me. He keeps telling me how horrible he is, and that he's no good for me...but that he's happy I never gave up on him. That's what unconditional love is. =P
I miss my friends. We should do something...something that doesn't require monies. lol
Back to cooking dinner for dad. I would write about him, but that would take too long. He angers me. He lies, he smokes in the house, and he's just and icky poopy head. Sorry to use such harsh language. =D

  ~R

Evey met her daddy tonight. It went really, really well. They seem to like each other a lot. lol

Everything is good in the 'verse.

Evey's asleep on the couch. She finally fell asleep this evening around five...allowing me to sleep until 11:30. It was nice. I wish there was a pill to take dreams away, though.

Before I started taking my meds, I thought, on a daily basis, that I was in hell. No...seriously. It was actually a fear that I was having every day. I thought that this was my own personal hell. Every time things start to go really well, they crash around me. Every time things go well, I'm happier than the first time. It's like I've learned to appreciate good things when they happen. Of course, that makes the fall down that much longer and harder. I just want to be happy. I don't want a lot of things out of life. Not really. I want a place to live. I want friends. I want my children to be happy and healthy. That's really it. Everything else just kind of happens, you know?

My dad has a new girlfriend, which has turned him back into an insufferable jackass. When he asked me to move in, and begged me to keep Evey, he was alone. He needed the companionship. Now, he has Barb. I'm not jealous. I'm very, VERY happy that he has someone else to tell his stupid jokes to. I just wish he wouldn't treat his family like garbage because of her.

Evey...makes me happy. Even when she's crying, I've had no sleep, and I think that I've made a horrible mistake in keeping her...she makes me happy. SHE is never the problem. I am. I think every mother has those moments, though. The small moments where you think you're the most incompetant human being on the face of the planet. When she's crying, and it should be so simple to soothe her, but you can't. Bleh. She still makes me happy. I love when she just lies in my arms and stares at me. She stares directly into my eyes, almost like she KNOWS who I am. I love it when she falls asleep on my shoulder. She always sighs right before she crashes...like every stress that her little baby mind had has just melted away. I love her little cry. It's sad...but it's still adorable. I love her hiccups. I love her yawns. I love her sneezes. I love her little toes. I love her big, beautiful eyes. I love her. She is amazing.

I want to go back to school. I want to get a job. I want to start my life over. I want to go one day without feeling this pit in my stomach. I want to know what I did wrong. I want to know how I wasn't good enough. I want to know why he's ashamed to admit that she's his. I want to know how to quiet the constant noise that runs through my head...the noise of self doubt.