Now I'm no perfect 10 by any means at all, but some women just repulse the hell out of me. When I see some woman walking around Meijer or Wal-Mart with her baby that's wearing nothing but a diaper and a Kool-Aid moustache and the lady herself has her belly just spilling out of a skin tight t-shirt that says "You Wish You Could..." on it, I get chills down my spine, and not the good ones either. The only thing I could think of when I saw her was "I think someone already has, maybe even against her will... Yeah, I'd give her the benifit of the doubt." That just makes me want to approach the woman and ask her "Where are your friends? Who am I to blame for you looking like this in public, because I would like to meet the person who said 'I need you to take me to the store... No, you don't need to change, you look great.' because I want to punch them in the mouth."

Now that I got that out of my system (and yes, I feel better), I just got a new cell phone, so give me a call or text me at 616-634-8552

I get weird friend requests.
Weird you say?
Yep, weird I say.
Take for instance, the overwhelming black friend requests lately.
Now, I'm no racist.
Nope, not a racist.
In fact, I regularly try and keep it gangster.
That's right, I said it...
Gangster... not Gangsta... That would just be too much for me, I mean I do what I can...
But why the abnormal amount of black friend requests? Maybe I'm some sort of a phenomenon in the black community... Maybe.
Or maybe they just think I'm a miniature white man, and that's cute.
A white man that's not threatening… ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Or a lawn gnome…
I even know some of the lyrics to "This Is Why I'm Hot" by MIMS… yep, it's true.
"This is why I'm hot, This is why I'm hot; This is why, This is why, This is why I'm hot; I'm hot 'cause I'm fly, You ain't 'cause you not; This is why, This is why, This is why I'm hot."
Told you... I don't mess around. Maybe I'm black on the inside and not just the inside of my pants.
I mean, I come from a hood, I think.
I'm "down"... but not for drive by's... 'Cause gas is too expensive.
And I'm by no means a "baller"... or am I?
Nope, I'm not.
So the friend requests are strange to me.

I even get friend requests from 15 year old boys.
Yep, I know... Strange.
Maybe he thought I was a kid from his class, or maybe someone from his little league team.
Who knows, because I couldn't accept his request.
Sad, I know.
But I don't need to be involved in any child molestation investigations.
I'm only 21 and a HUGE wuss… I'd be someone's woman in jail for sure.

All that and I feel like I could use some ol' Lady Luck... Not normal luck, but like... Ben Affleck luck. I'm sorry... I had no idea that any part of this blog was gonna talk about him, but I personally look at someone like Ben Affleck and think, "This guy must've jumped on a grenade in a Convent in a previous life".  He has it all, a huge career, hot wife, tons of cash and very little talent… And probably a hair piece, and I'm left standing here saying, "I have no tallent! Where's my hair piece?!"

-Papa Bear

I can't stand it!  Seriously, when I try to work this TiVo thing I might as well put my helmet on and eat some pudding.  Now, before I get a message from someone talking about how not all retarded people wear helmets and eat pudding, take the stick out of your ass and realize that I'm commenting on how stupid I am.  The fact that retarded folks eat pudding and wear helmets is not important... Although I do love pudding… Maybe just the fact that I don't own a helmet could just be a tactical error on my part...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

TiVo is ruining my life. I'm lazy enough and I don't need any help, thank you.  But when I do happen to figure out the damn TiVo, it even makes my watching TV lazy.  I don't know what time any shows are on, I don't watch commercials and I've basically stopped talking to everyone because I've found that there is a network called the Discovery Channel where you can watch people come close to dying on a daily basis

. 

Because of the shows I would have never watched before, I've learned a lot about myself though: 

If I was stranded in the woods, a deserted island, in the rain forest and… well… pretty much anywhere, I would probably cry like a baby and die.

I discovered that history is really boring, even if you're watching it on TV.

I really like cartoons.

The porn channels don't show enough Asian women.

I don't like shows where people "talk" to ghosts but I do kinda like the other shows where people's houses are haunted and I kinda wish it would happen to me, but even then not really, because the other thing I've learned is that I scare pretty easy.

I can watch the same SportsCenter 4 times in one day. I never watch SportsCenter, but it's weird that I have that option 4 times a day, though.

I think MTV should go back to videos because their shows suck ass.

I would watch Flava Flav go shopping for apples.  The guy is hilarious… and I mean that in a "laughing at" not "laughing with" kind of way.

I'm too smart for Wheel of Fortune but too dumb for Jeopardy.

There is absolutely nothing more boring and more torturous than watching somebody cook on television.  Holy crap… watching someone stir flour into eggs... just stick a needles in my eyes.  But if I do make it through the whole show (mainly because someone else is interested in it and I have nothing better to do), it's even worse because now I'm hungry.  And these jerk offs cart out this beautiful lobster tail, with risotto and some other stuff that I could never make and I'm stuck picking between Lay's Sour Cream and Onion or Sour Cream and Cheddar.  Don't get me wrong, both fine chips, but it's like going to a strip club, looking at all those women and leaving with your buddies.  I just saw lobster!

I mainly just watch wrestling, Family Guy, and anything on Comedy Central anymore… I think I've given up on the branching out.

So I was surfing around MySpace today and I saw more tits and ass than on Big Naturals and Bang Bus combined… If you don't know what those are, good for you.  If you do know what those are, good for you.  Anyway, I saw one picture of a woman's ass, just her ass, in thongs and her caption said, "No men!  No nasty comments!"  I surfed around a little more and saw a pic of a naked woman sitting on her bed, legs crossed with her hands over her nipples.  In the description of herself she says, "...and please, don't send me any messages about what you want to do to me or how good you think my body is.  It's a total turn off!"   Now, I've got no problem if you want to show your boobies to Tom and the other 73 million people on MySpace but if you do, take it easy on the "if you send me nasty messages I will not respond…  stop sending nasty messages!"  Uh, I'm sorry princess but wasn't that you in your panties bent over your bathroom sink?  Don't send me nasty messages?  Were you expecting a Bar Mitzvah invitation?  It's like building a huge deck on the back of your house, putting the mother of all grills out there, new furniture, the works and then telling people that not only are they not allowed to go back there but they can't talk about it either.  No!  You bought the deck to entertain… too show off… to have your friends over and hear them say, "DAAAAAMN!  Jim has a nice fucking deck."  Well, ladies, if you're showing your deck all over MySpace, expect someone to comment on it.  Now, I don't think that people should be talking about what they want to do to you or how they want to lick and stick and all that other jazz, but if your boobs are the size of my head and you have them hanging out all over your page, someone might have something to say about that… you might get an unsolicited message or two.  With that being said, keep the pictures coming.  I'm a single man with too much free time...

I remembered something out of the blue today and I have no idea what actually happened to recall this paticular memory, but I think you'll enjoy it all the same.

       This girl's name was Amy Noffsinger (wow... I can't believe I remembered the whole name...) and she had invited me over to her house because my family was moving to Michigan in just a couple of days. And I guess in a little girls way saying goodbye to a 9 yr old boy was a special dinner of peanut butter and banana sandwiches (which she bragged that she had made herself), followed by some NBA Live '95 on the Sega Genesis. During our candelight meal (Yes, there were candles), she asked for a bite of my sandwich, so, thinking nothing of it, I handed it to her. I could've sworn that her thumb had touched mine when the handoff was made. I looked at her mouth as she took a bite, and it was more than I dared dream. I had just assumed that Amy would just take a bite down on virgin bread, but that was not the case at all. She had chose to instead journey down the road that I had just traveled and took a bite out of where I had just bitten. She was pratically kissing me by proxy and she knew it too -- the way her bright green eyes looked at me as she chewed.
       I took my sandwich back from her, carefully touching thumbs during the transaction, and I set our special sandwich onto the paper plate and placed the plate onto my lap, where it covered my first erection.

I hoped you guys liked my little coming-of-age tale, but I've got to go to work now. In the words of Frosty The Snowman: I'll say goodbye, but don't you cry. I'll be [blogging] again someday.

Later!

I was outside IM Rachel from my phone when one of the neighborhood kids thought I looked pretty frickken awesome and comes right up to me and says "Hi, I'm Davey. Do you believe in God?" Now, although I'm completely off-guard, I reffrain from sharing my personal beliefs, so, just to ammuse him, I retort with a simple "Hi, I'm Larry. I do believe in God." Then he asks me if I wat to play a game with him. The game, you ask?

Super-Jesus. Apparently, Super-Jesus (Not to be confused with Super Mario... Jesus doesn't think much of people using 'shrooms) is played by me pretending to be the blind man while he heals me. As I stumble around the front yard with my eyes closed, Super-Jesus (Davey) heals me in his own unique way, summoning the powers of God and healing me in the same way Mr. Freeze in Batman shoots his frozen molecules. And although I'm no biblical scholar, I'm going to say right now that Jesus' sound effects had nothing on 6 yr old Davey's.

Now it was time for the crucifixion... Our makeshift cross is unbelievably realistic, made with a foam Captain Hook sword and a canary yellow wiffleball bat, and I nailed Super-Jesus (What the hell? When do I get to be Jesus?) to the cross by sticking crayons through the fingers.

Then he ran home.

So there I was... at work... doing my job... minding my own buisness... when a small 4-ish yr. old struck up a short conversation with me. Here's how it went:

Kid: You're a nerd
Me: Oh Yeah? Why's that?
Kid: 'Cause you wear glasses.
Parent Of Kid: That's right, son. People who wear glasses are nerds. (Yes, the parent praised him)
Me: Not all people who wear glasses are nerds...
Kid: Yeah-Huh.
Me: Are-Not!
Kid: Are-Too!
Me: AreNot!

And then we went our seperate ways.

I thought this part of the conversation was funny...

RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:04:53 AM): ill just hold a sign saying larry if you are near follow the big donut
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:05:06 AM): or cookie if you dont liek donuts
YourRandomHero20 (1:05:24 AM): depends on the donut
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:05:29 AM): plain
YourRandomHero20 (1:05:40 AM): I won't come
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:05:56 AM): well its not gonna be a good kind i dont want every one and there mom coming to see me
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:07:00 AM): theres only one man i want...
YourRandomHero20 (1:07:13 AM): Tom Cruise?
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:07:22 AM): no
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:07:24 AM): eww
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:07:32 AM): guess again
YourRandomHero20 (1:07:35 AM): fine...
YourRandomHero20 (1:07:39 AM): ok
YourRandomHero20 (1:07:41 AM): umm
YourRandomHero20 (1:07:45 AM): Pete Wentz
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:07:51 AM): pete who?
YourRandomHero20 (1:08:06 AM): Bass in Fall Out Boy
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:08:47 AM): mmm no
YourRandomHero20 (1:09:10 AM): Eric's best friend?
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:09:30 AM): eric?
YourRandomHero20 (1:09:38 AM): I dunno
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:09:42 AM): no
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:09:52 AM): its nto supposed to be this hard
YourRandomHero20 (1:10:21 AM): I'm not good at guessing games, I guess
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:10:33 AM): welll do you wsant me to tell u then
YourRandomHero20 (1:10:41 AM): sure
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:10:54 AM): jesus
YourRandomHero20 (1:11:16 AM): like, Son of God or Mexican?
YourRandomHero20 (1:11:51 AM): Hey-sus
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:12:21 AM): son or god
YourRandomHero20 (1:12:36 AM): gotcha
YourRandomHero20 (1:12:41 AM): yeah, he's cool
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:12:48 AM): u wish u were him
YourRandomHero20 (1:13:06 AM): Just for the superpowers
YourRandomHero20 (1:13:14 AM): I don't know about the hair
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:14:18 AM): lol his hair is so much cooler than yours
YourRandomHero20 (1:14:30 AM): I just got a haircut
YourRandomHero20 (1:14:32 AM): back off
RaChIeBuNnYgIrL (1:14:35 AM): lol

[15:10] Marz2006: i wanna get a bunch of people together and go on a safari...
[15:10] Marz2006: at meijers or walmart!
[15:10] Marz2006: heehee
[15:11] yourrandomhero20: that sounds nice
[15:11] Marz2006: could be fun too
[15:11] yourrandomhero20: probably not
[15:12] yourrandomhero20: you'd suck the fun out of it
[15:15] yourrandomhero20: cause if a stuffed lion came out and attacked you, you'd be complaining that it's eating you alive and all that other crap
[15:17] Marz2006: would not!
[15:18] yourrandomhero20: would too... crybaby
[15:18] Marz2006: nu-uh
[15:18] yourrandomhero20: If a lion started eating ME alive, I bet I wouldn't complain
[15:19] Marz2006: neither would I...Id just kick it's ass
[15:19] yourrandomhero20: I'd let him just for the rush
[15:20] yourrandomhero20: kick it's ass with your girl-fight moves? Slap it to death?
[15:20] yourrandomhero20: keep yelling BITCH!
[15:20] Marz2006: naw...i'd hit him in the head with my sweet numchucks
[15:21] yourrandomhero20: you don't have any numchucks
[15:21] yourrandomhero20: and what if you don't buy any before your safari trip?
[15:22] Marz2006: then i'd use my endearing charm and make him a nice pussy cat
[15:22] yourrandomhero20: voodoo?
[15:22] yourrandomhero20: lol
[15:22] Marz2006: or maybe jsut hit him over the head with a rock...whichever works
[15:22] yourrandomhero20: I'd dive underwater
[15:22] Marz2006: and let teh crocs get ya?
[15:23] yourrandomhero20: I bet meijers has some sort of pond display
[15:23] Marz2006: if not...LOWES!..
[15:23] yourrandomhero20: no, because the lion would jump in after me, then the croc would attack the lion
[15:23] Marz2006: oh ok
[15:23] Marz2006: what if theres more than one crocs
[15:24] Marz2006: ooo or crocs and piranha!
[15:24] yourrandomhero20: what if there's more than one lion?
[15:25] yourrandomhero20: screw this... I lure the lion in the water with the crocs and then throw something electrical in
[15:25] yourrandomhero20: crock - dead
[15:25] Marz2006: lol
[15:26] yourrandomhero20: lion - dead
[15:26] yourrandomhero20: piranha - dead
[15:26] yourrandomhero20: and then I'm safe
[15:26] yourrandomhero20: I win
[15:27] yourrandomhero20: take that predators
[15:27] Marz2006: until the monkeys attack...
[15:27] Marz2006: ooo...or the bears
[15:27] Marz2006: or the snakes
[15:27] Marz2006: or the spiders
[15:27] Marz2006: or the scorpions
[15:27] Marz2006: or the killer bees

[15:28] Marz2006: or the mad cows
[15:28] yourrandomhero20: then I'd pull out my trusty light saber
[15:28] yourrandomhero20: and go to work
[15:28] yourrandomhero20: kill the monkeys
[15:28] yourrandomhero20: and the polar bear
[15:28] yourrandomhero20: wait
[15:28] yourrandomhero20: no polar bears on safaris
[15:28] yourrandomhero20: ok
[15:28] yourrandomhero20: well
[15:29] yourrandomhero20: regular bears
[15:29] yourrandomhero20: and grab some bug repellant from a shelf
[15:29] yourrandomhero20: as for the mad cow... give it to Burger King
[15:30] yourrandomhero20: then I can wipe the sweat from my brow and walk tall
[15:32] Marz2006: go team
[15:32] Marz2006: lol
[15:32] Marz2006: omgoodness...
[15:32] Marz2006: we are dumb...
[15:33] yourrandomhero20: don't lump me in with you
[15:33] yourrandomhero20: I'm creative
[15:33] Marz2006: me hero
[15:33] Marz2006: *my hero
[15:35] yourrandomhero20: dummm da da dummmmmm
[15:35] Marz2006: lol