[09 May 2009 | Saturday] 4:36 PM
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Current mood:  thoughtful
Category: Life
This is my first Mother's Day without you here on this earth, and it seems like I miss you more and more with each day that passes. I feel cheated that my children will never remember you, never feel how all-encompassing your love was.
Each milestone I reach without you beside me from now on will only be bittersweet...it will never be completely perfect. The birth of my second child has made me understand that and I WISH TO GOD you could be here to experience the whole thing with me. Momma, Maddox is so beautiful...despite looking like me when he was born, he looks just like Stevie now, even more than Xander does! I know you have seen him, wherever you are, but I wish I could see you see him. I remember how you looked when you held Alexander, so proud and fullfilled. That always made me feel like I had done something right, like he was my apology to you, my way of saying "I love you" when I could never say it out loud.
Momma, I'm sorry I could never outwardly show affection to you the way you needed and wanted me to, but the truth is...I was hurt a lot by you in my life and that complicated things. However, I truly forgive all that. I forgave it quite a while ago. All I wish now is that I could watch you be a Nanna, and you could watch me be a mom. I'm rather sure you'd be proud of me, I'm pretty good at loving these kids of mine! And I know I struggle at times, Momma, but please don't ever worry about me. I guess I've always been a survivor, and we all know I'm damn stubborn...just like you! I have a wonderful man by my side, whom I love with all the fire in my heart, and two sons who've shown me the messy sort of magic that motherhood brings. I will never give up hope or love, I can't. I won't. That doesn't mean I won't start sobbing everytime I walk into your room with all your things, but it does mean that I will wipe away the tears and keep right on going.
Lord knows you weren't perfect when it came to certain stuff, but I would still like to thank you for a few things:
* showing me what it means to truly be brave.
* showing me that sometimes you can let others in
* making sure I always had people like Vicki and her girls in my life to hold my hand when you couldn't
* pissing me off to the point where I had to learn to take care of things myself, that has gone a long way, believe me.
* your sometimes annoying optimism didn't take, sorry. I tried. Didn't work. 
I don't think you intentionally taught me some of the lessons I learned from you, but I learned them regardless, so thank you. For everything. Especially all these memories that flash before my eyes as if I were the one dying, they give me something to look to when I am missing you.
So this is my first Mother's Day without you. It's gonna be tough, huh? Instead of placing flowers in your lovely, slender hand, I will place them on your grave and remember something happy about our too-short time together.
I love you, Momma. And I miss you like you can't even believe.
♥ "I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my Momma you'll be." ♥
 | Currently listening:
Evolver
By John Legend
Release date: 2008-10-28 |
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