While in Hong Kong last month, I recorded the shows for a live CD. Once upon a time, I would have said, "I recorded a live album." These days can we even really call it a "CD"? More likely than not it will be available as a download. Somehow it doesn't sound right saying, "I recorded a new download."

Still, I guess you have to have physical product so that when Conan O'Brien introduces you on the Tonight Show (ARE YOU LISTENING, CONAN?) he can hold up a CD and say, "Our next guest has a new CD in stores called 'Ogataritaville.'" Or something like that. 

Never recorded one before, so I'm anxious to hear the audio. I haven't heard the audio yet because that's what happens when you do things on the cheap. The guy who did the recording has other well-paying customers whose jobs he must finish first. And he's all the way in Hong Kong. Which means there's probably already a guy on a street corner in HK selling copies of "Ogataritaville" already.

This, of course, frees me up to attend to more important things such as naming the CD/download and creating the cover. Or the icon. Whatever.

But you want to be careful when naming the CD. You don't want to give reviewers the chance to turn the name right back on you. For example, if I called it "A Whole Lot of Words", they could say, "It was more like an A-Hole with a Lot of Turds." 

Here is where you get to help out. (I mean, besides ponying up with the cash when it is time to buy the disc.) I need to find a name for it, but having never done this before I don't really know what to call it. Is it self-titled? Is it a stupid pun? Do I use a line from my act? How about random symbols like Zepplin did? That might be funny to see how Conan would say, "My next guest has a new CD in stores called ♨⊍⊍."

So please vote on one of the following incredibly creative titles. Or, you know, write in your own like you were going to do anyway.

1) Paul Ogata
2) Live in Hong Kong
3) Happy Ha Ha Fun Time
4) ♨⊍⊍

Have at it. Help me out.

I've been back from my Asia trip for a couple of weeks. The trip was over two weeks long, which meant that I got seriously time shifted and I've really been struggling to get back on California time. Now I know how everyone on Lost felt, without as many bloody noses.

Just saw the 24: Redemption movie. Thank goodness for TiVo, because I was in China at the time. If I couldn't watch it, I would have felt like Jack Bauer felt when he was in China.

Great movie, double episode, whatever. And you didn't even see Jack holding his index finger to his ear or yell "Dammit!" not even once.

My problem is with the scenes for the upcoming season. Tony Alameida back from the dead? Are you effing kidding me? Come on, have Bill Buchanan go rogue. Or have Miles O'Brien leave the reservation. But now it's all Days of Our Lives-ish. Why not go all out and have Tony lead a zombie hit squad of Edgar, Michelle and the Hobbit guy on a revenge mission to kill the corpse of President Palmer?

What's that noise? I think I hear The Fonz strapping on water skis.

I was scheduled to perform at the Comedy & Magic Club in Hermosa Beach tonight. Two shows, great crowds. I was liking the progress I was making on a new chunk of material, and was looking forward to working the chunk again tonight.

Then a huge fire struck Los Angeles last night, causing the shut down of the freeway I needed to get from my house to the show. The detour would have taken me 4+ hours each way.

This is how you know L.A. truly is hell. Because it is snowing ash and raining fire.

So instead, I will be appearing at another of my favorite clubs, J.R.'s Comedy Club in Valencia. Turns out the fire is keeping another comedian from making it TO this show. So it all works out in a weird way.

J.R.'s Comedy Club
at Marie Callender's
27630 The Old Road, Valencia, CA
(661) 259-2291

See you there! (For those of you who aren't blocked by walls of fire.)

Well, the Anderson/Van Pelt election anyway.

Did you see the documentary "You're Not Elected, Charlie Brown"? It follows the massive voter fraud in the Presidential election at Charlie Brown's school. At one point, candidate Linus Van Pelt is seen getting booed off the stage while giving a campaign speech because he talks about something everybody knows to be false. You know, like WMD in Iraq, but in this case it is the Great Pumpkin.

Still, Linus ends up winning the election with the help of his evil henchman, one Charlie Brown. Brown acts as enforcer at the ballot box, reading off each persons ballot immediately after the ballot is placed in the "secret ballot" box, pretty much ensuring that those casting votes will do so in favor of Brown's friend lest they face retributions.



In the above photo, you see Charlie Brown retrieving the just-cast ballot by opposition candidate Russell Anderson and declaring it a vote for Linus Van Pelt. And all captured on film. Shame on you, Good Old Peanuts!

This is how elections are stolen. And right here in the good old U.S. of A, too. Stop election fraud now!

In the last week, John McCain first reassured us that he's been tested and then promised to come from behind.

That makes me uncomfortable. I don't want his GOP-nis anywhere near my behind. Especially since the last time he was tested was over 40 years ago.

I'm watching the Olympics. You never know when you might see something totally awesome like the men's 4x100 swimming relay where Team USA beat the arrogant French. Or the weightlifting event where the barbell defeated the Hungarian guy's elbow.

Now I hear they will be removing Baseball and Softball from the next Olympics. Say what?

Why remove authentic sports contested by legitimate athletes when you still have non-sports in it? I'm talking about Shooting, Sailing and Trampoline. Are they skills? Yes. But not really sports. Maybe if you have people bouncing around, shooting at each other on the high seas, like pirates. Now that just reeks awesome.

The worst of the non-sports is Equestrian, which I suppose is from the Greek word equestria meaning "douche-bag." This non-sport is the ultimate in douche-baggery. Don't believe me? Take a look at this "athlete":



You can't be considered an athlete if your sport involves you dressing like Michael Jackson in a magician's hat!

At best, this is a sport only for the horses, who would get a medal from me if they kicked these pompous humans off their backs and pooped on their faces.

Come on Olympics Committee, reinstate Baseball and Softball and add more real sports like MMA! Then you can get rid of silly garbage like Equestrian. If you allow that to remain a sport, then you might as well add other events where the participants dress like self-important a-holes while exhibiting cruel domination of animals.

What's next, Olympic Ringmastering?

anymore.

Yeah, I was one of the people who just had to see The Dark Knight at its first showings on Thursday night. Mostly because I'm a big Batman fan. But also because the world is full of assholes who get some perverse pleasure from telling you the ending or plot twists to the latest movies. So you have to do what you must, even if it means seeing the 3:10am showing.

(One of my wife's cousin's kids asked me last week if I saw "Get Smart" yet. I said, "No, but I really want to." And then he immediately told me who the double agent is. While it is wrong to punch a small child, especially one who is visiting California to have major surgery done, is it necessarily wrong to take bumpy side roads while he's sitting in the back of the truck two days after having that major surgery? Uh, I'm asking for a friend.)

Unfortunately, going to the first few showings of any superhero/sci-fi/Potter movie means one thing: Night Of The Fanboy Alpha-Geeks.

The Fanboy Alpha-Geek is a special breed of dork. You know you're going to see people in Batman shirts. That's okay. You know you're going to run into people in costume. Still acceptable. (Only on Friday/Saturday of the opening weekend. Sunday is a grey area.) But the Fanboy Alpha-Geek thinks he's the tour guide of the theatre, the lead dork-dog on the nerd-sled of the line. You can recognize them by their "TDK Line Starts HERE!" sign, and the smell of unwashed hair.

Fanboy Alpha-Geek is the guy who will stand up and shout "Yeah!" when the lights start to dim in the theatre, complete with fists pumping in the air. (In fact, Fanboy Alpha-Geek is probably well accustomed to fist pumping. But a bit lower.) Then it gets worse, he'll start to loudly narrate the previews.

"Terminator preview is next! See I told you!"

"Yeah! Watchmen! Who watches the Watchmen? Me!"

"You see that? Please keep quiet during the movie! Dark Knight! Wooo!"

Listen Fanboy Alpha-Geek, if you think all of this makes you somehow like the super heroes whose posters line the walls in your room, it doesn't. Here's the difference, super heroes save the planet. You use your spare Hermione Granger action figure to rub one out before catching the bus to work at the used video game store.

The movie still kicked ass. Despite the Fanboy Alpha-Geek. That's how good it was.

As comedians we write material, practice the material, perform the material, refine the material, then repeat the process all over again.

Sometimes, in the course of doing a show, something will happen that forces me to ditch my prepared material and just shoot from the hip. Okay, a lot of times.

Hong Kong is a really great place to go off and experiment with improvising. The audiences and I have a great chemistry together. Well, except for this one guy in the second row at my last show there. I'll set the scene for you: I'd just finished a bit about choking chickens and noticed that a guy in the second row had a perplexed look on his face. (BTW, this is probably NSFW.)