My dear friends I know that what I am about to tell you will be a big surprise. Last Wednesday I made a very quick decision which led me to telling you what I am about to tell you in this blog. Yes, I have moved to Concord, North Carolina. I decided that the best direction for my life is to reconcile my relationship with my mother. After years of heartache in wanting a relationship with my mother. I am now home! We seem to get along quit well. The funny thing is that we have so much in common. We talk a lot and the great thing about it is that God confirmed it just in two days. I admit I was a bit overwhelmed when I first came to stay with her, but now I find myself excited. She really wants us to live together and develop our relationship. The toughest part is getting her to recognize that I am 30 years old and not a child. She is helping me with my weight problems and I am helping her with her businesses, and education development. I find myself at peace and enjoying the position God has placed me in for the time. I don't know how long I will be here but I know I am in God's graces. I don't know if I will find a job, but I know that for the time I will be looking hard so that I can help her and I move forward.

For those of you who do not know this, my mother is deaf so being here is a huge asset to her. She has worked so hard to get us kids back. If I had known that I would be the vessel for this occasion I probably would have not gone through it. However, God knows my heart and knows that even though sometimes I can be selfish I do follow through with his plan. I don't even assume to know what that plan is, but I know he is in the business of reconcilation.

The exciting part is that I am even talking to my dad again. He agreed that God was moving me to North Carolina to be with my mother. The next step is getting a job, helping my mother with her business, and praying for my younger sister to come live with us in NC. Please keep praying.

Love,

Loretta Angela Boutwell

This past Monday a question was asked that has changed my perspective. "What do you think your life could look like if you lived your life holy and pleasing to God?" I couldn't give an answer. I didn't even have a clue as to what that would look like. I was drinking every bit of what I was thinking it might look like, but not giving much faith to my thoughtful answers. I have been so stuck in my families situations that I haven't really given a whole lot of thought to what my life might look like through the eyes of God. Could I be so far off that I really don't have a clue as to what to do with this life? I know what I want. I want a deeply intimate relationship with God that exceeds even my own expectations. A ministry that changes the world, even if it is just a little bit. An opportunity to settle down with a young man that exceeds my imagination, and children God would allow me and my future husband to pour into and nurture. God may exceed those desires. I don't know. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the concept of living for the moment. My hope is in God, my faith in God hasn't died, I just put it on the shelf because there was so much yet to get accomplished. I don't want just another journey, but to hold in my heart the moments only God could give. Does that make any since? I want to share in the journey with another. I desire to seek out the truth, but I need some people to just let go. I am thirty years old and the only things holding me back is transportation, and the means to do what God wills for my life.

I may never be able to answer that question; "What does life look like through the eyes of God?" I just know that I am not living reclessly, that I long for his love and approval. My heart is God's, whatever he chooses to do with my life is what I will accept. I choose everyday to serve at the will of the Father, but lack in seeing it. I have made to many excusses and I need prayer to get out of my rut. I have taken some action, but still nothing has occured. My only prayer is that God hasn't fogeten me.

Loretta Angela Boutwell

God does great things. What I should say awsome miricales that make our hearts humbled. Today I got an email telling me that another one of our wonderful friends is getting married. I admit I cried, but they were tears of joy not sorrow. What is so funny is that several years ago we were talking about marriage and how I would go to each of your weddings. How is it that I knew that this would take place? The Holy Spirit. When our friend announced it I think I laughed too. This is God's way not mine. It is humbling because I am thirty years old as of last month. I had hoped to be married by twenty-five, but God had other plans. His plans are greater and more beautiful than we could have imagined. I never thought I would say this, but perhaps I am called to be single for the rest of my life. For several years now I have been okay with being single, with getting my life straightened out, and with living for today. I try to live by Biblical standards, I work towards it every day. I may fail at times but God is my rock, my fortress in time of need, and ever present help in time of need. Who am I kidding he is my first love! He has seen me through some trechorous storms but has never let me go even when I think I am doing it alone. I don't know what tommorow holds, but I do know God holds it. I know his hands are as far as east is to the west and that everyone of my sins have been forgiven. I am rejoicing because changes are coming that exceed my imagination.

Love,

Loretta Angela :-)

I have been contemplating a great deal. Contemplating what? Life, spiritual development, the road less taken, and even relationships. I question why I am still living with family, why I am so tired, and so emotionally withdrawn. No, I am not depressed. I have been working non-stop to finish my coursework so that I can graduate already. However, there are other people that have contributed to my frustration. I love my job, but I haven't had very many hours, yet I have been working split shifts for the past two weeks and then going to residency and back home only to find that we have more medical issues. I don't know what more I can give. I am at the empty line and I really need a revived spirit. I spend a lot of time reading my Bible, praying, and I try to praise God through the tough times. However, these past couple of months have gotten me worn out. I am trying to pray for everyone, trying to be considerate of others time, and I have even want as far as just bringing these issues to God. Yes, I do this. Right now I am about to fall asleep writing this blog. I go to sleep at 11:00pm most nights and wake up at 7:00am promptly. Yet, I am sluggish physically, emotionally I can't seem to give, and spiritually even though I do spend a lot of my time in the presence of God; I am desperate for a touch and an answer to my delima.

Look, no one wants to be living with family when they are thrity years old. No, one wants to be told how to live their lives either, but when does crossing the line become to much? I think I have found it. Several years ago I was out on my own working and doing okay. Before that I was out on my own taking care of my biological family. So I know I am capable of handling my own bills and myself. I don't have a problem living with me. My problem is not having transportation, everyone complaining about my job, like they have done with every other job I have had. So when does enough become enough? Where is the answer?

Nobody wants my freedom as much as I do. So why is it they can't be patient with God and me? I know what God has spoken to me. I know the visions and dreams he has for me. After all he reveals his will to me, like he does everyone else. I have been working with Sylvan now six months and I have enjoyed the hard work and training. Do I want to be a teacher? No! I would like to be a pastor and counselor. This has always been my hearts desire, well partly. I actually wanted to be a music teacher at one time. I love music, but I love God more. I can say and I have said in the past I am in love with God. My actions and my words show it everyday. However, I know as much as anyone else that I do still struggle with my flesh. What person doesn't? So these are the things I think about just about everyday. I do think about other people, praying for them and caring rather they live or die. I am just tired right now and I just need some time.

Loretta Angela Boutwell :-)

Hey my dear friends. I know it has been a while since I have posted. Lots have occured, which has caused a great deal of reflection. I have a great deal of respect for people who are honest and willing to tell it like it is. I have such a pastor in my life. Pastor Randy is awsome I have no quams with the truth being spoken. Some people would say; "Why should anyone listen to correction?" Proverbs says this; "A wise man recieves correction, but a fool disowns it." Losely translated! I have done a great deal of reflecting these past couple of weeks. Some of which has been done because I am on year thirty of my life and I am hoping for connection to others. There is a quote from Princess Diaries that has always helped me; "I realize how many times I use the word "I" in a sentence." Right now it has been about 3 billion times. No, I am not counting. That is a rouf estment. Scary when you realize how many times we use the word 'I' when talking to others. Its even more terrifying when you spend your time pleasing others. Yes, at times I still catch myself pleasing others. I have found myself being more quite and hoping that my motives are pure. Christ Jesus tells us that we are to think of others higher than ourselves. God knows that it is so easy to buy into the fact that this scripture can be used in the wrong way. I know many a persons who have used this to dictate their reasons for pleasing others. I do it myself, because I was taught that way. This needs to change. I am making great strides to change my own behavior, but I have given that to God. I know that some things I can change others I can't. I don't know about anyone else, but for me helping people has always been a delight. I choose to spend my time doing what I believe to be right through Biblical Principal. I hope that I have been clear. I do not mean to be negetive. I try real hard to present a positive picture, but sometimes the truth looks ugly. A wise man once told me that change only comes when we get tired of ourselves. I can't help but wonder if he is on target. When we are ready to change, make a change, or try to change. I think it might be nice if others will allow you the opportunity. Some people make comments like; "You can't ever change," "Its to hard to change, so why try," or the one I really dislike, "You will always be the same." I have tried to overcome those words, but like James 3 says the "tongue is like a sword, it perices the soul." Those words have periced my soul, but I still try hard. Maybe I am trying to hard. I am trying to reflect Christ character. I do this everyday when I spend hours working with children. Children a strange characters, they seem to see right through you and teach something of great value "Child like faith." I did a word search yesterday just before bed on the word "Faith" Did you all know that it literally means without fear or anxiety and hope for a future purpose. Didn't know this until last night, we all learn new things everyday. I am still learning about who my friends are, what they like and dislike, and I am still learning about boundaries. I have today to learn something new about one of you. I don't know about tommarow, but today is new, special, and about growth. I am still learning about what it means to grow through trials, but for every need God has meet them head on. I see God even in the smallest things. Such as the opportunity to talk about Christ through Myspace.

We should never look at our circumstances, we should be focused on God through them.

Loretta Angela :-)

Well my dear friends I turn 30 years old in just 8 wonderful days. I am taking each day as a gift. Funny thing is I have jury duty just two days after. Yeah, I was happy about that. No, really I was happy that I get to serve in my community. LOL!

I think what I will remember the most about year 29 is that God carried me through a situation which could have been scary. Okay, it was scary! I have been through scary situations before, especially for my family, but this lingured on daunting but miraculous! We didn't just survive, we overcame with the love of God. He has seen me through some pretty bad situations, but thankfully God taught me to trust him through all of it. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!

So this past weekend was very interesting. On Sunday we heard a terrific sermon of worshiping God even outside of church. Dr. Marty always seems to speak the heart of God. Earlier that morning something of a suprise occured that had me bewilidered, but encouraged about the future. It is almost tettoring on miraculous, it would take a miricale! LOL. After I heard this word of knowledge I laughed like Sari before she became pregnate at her old age. So I'll leave the message up for interpratation. I am not saying that what was said is not possible, but I am saying that it will have to take God to make it happen in his own way. I have never been great at asking God for something I wanted for myself. So this is and will be a miricale. What I thought was sweet was how God presented it. This whole week has been a miricale. What none of you all know is that several weeks ago I was dropped out of my last class and then told that I had a 'F' in the class. Yeah, I was angry and tettoring on yelling for two hours and not caring what I said. Then it seemed that no matter how hard I tried to calm down everything seem to bombbared me in a sequence of events.

Jennifers wedding was beautiful. She was actually pretty relaxed and calm. There a few squables but nothing to serious. I will eventually put pictures up, once we get them onto a cd. What else can I tell you all. Oh, I know. I wanted to say thanks to all of you who encouraged me, prayed for me and my family, and stood up for me. Thank you all for standing in the gap and for just being there when I wanted to yell. God knows I wanted to plenty of times. Again, this week has been a sweet romance. Only God could give me such peace and reveal to me his purpose. I actually slept last night without crying, without wanting to yell, and without walking the floors. Some day I will be able to explain all that has happend, but that is in God's timing.

Well, I could look at life and be angry for feeling torchered. But that is the old Loretta Angela. As one of the women in my connection class says; we can look at life through dark clouds, or we rejoice even when it feels like torcher. Of course I am summarizing. There is a favorate movie quote: "Lord we will praise you when we win, and praise you when we lose." I will love God even if I never get married, have children, or accomplish anything in life. It is not my success that will reveal God's glory. God simply does that on his own.

Love you all much. Know that even in tough trials God is more than just present, he is in it.

Love,

Loretta Angela :-)

 

There has been a great deal of frustation these days. I have been trusting God for provision even when I don't trust others in my family right now. I am not going to go into any detail. No, this time I am just going to tell you all that I am tired and I really need a fresh annoiting right now. I really just need God to place joy in my heart and I really need direction. I don't know how much more truthful I can get. I need a vacation, I need to get away, otherwise I am going to explode! I just need a weekend or maybe even a week a way from all this. When I tell that to others, they seem to think I am joking or don't mean it. Well, I mean it. I need a break. I need a revival in my spirit, calming still waters which will help through the sleepless nights, frustrations, and stress which has been experienced. It seems like everyone else but me, Sarah, and Lee have gotten a day off from all this. Please pray that God will just send me away for at least a week for some spiritual renewal. That he will give Sarah some time to relax, away from her family and mine. And that He will give Lee just a break, maybe a time to visit friends in OKC. Jennifer gets married in three weeks, I finish my last class this week, and I really need some time away. Maybe visit some friends or go up to Pawhuska, OK to visit my Great Uncle William and Aunt Iona. I don't know just get me away from this whole situations for a week. That's really what will help me do deal with all of this. I haven't even processed any of what has happend. I just recognized that I am angry about all of this and I haven't delt with it. I want through Living Waters and did well, however, right now what I need is some peace and quiet. Does that sound selfish?

By the way, thanks to all of you for your love, support, and encouragment. You all really don't know how much help that was. I really needed support and you all stepped up to the plate. Thank you. However, like any situation a person needs a break. I am ready to just cry, yell, and even pitch a fit right now. I have held all this in for so long. I am ready to just let go. You would think that I would have done that several months ago, however, I am pretty good at keeping my feelings in. Actually, that really isn't healthy, but my family needed me. So I have kept my cool to a degree. I really just need a place to yell, let go, and just cry right now. Does anyone have a suggestion. I have let out my frustration to God, but right now I really need a place to get away for a few days. I need to be with God, without distractions. I just need God, I need to hear him again. I always feel so rushed to do what others want. I just need some time with God.

Loretta

This has been a tough week. However, God has done something that has changed my perspective. God has opened the hearts of my family, they have been speaking truth into my life these past couple of days. One conversation that has been ongoing is about relationships. However, this time I didn't lose it when my adopted dad tried to explain why he doesn't see me as being ready. I have a tough time realizing that my adopted dad if from a completely different generation, where dating is a good thing. I do not see the benefits of dating. To me learning comes from environment, I learn best by being around young men who respect me and I them. Admitedly I haven't had so many guy friends. Dennis, Misael, and Daniel were my role models in college along side the teachers whom I had a great deal of respect for. They taught me a great deal and I will never forget them for their willingness to care for me as a person. The hugs had healing, their encouragement blessed my heart, and even the times when I overreacted and got emotional they set me straight. For that I thank God! My heart is hopeful for the good that comes from friendship. To have so many caring and loving friends helped me recognize the person I would become and am becoming daily through Christ Jesus. The women in my life, well they know the things they helped me with. They may not see it, but I do. I observed everyone daily, it helped me to realize those areas such as; perception, relationship, outward and inward appearence, and even showed me grace. God knows that I needed friends like each of you. I do miss you. I have been blessed, honored, and humbled by each of our friendships. For those of you who think I am just using words, know that my actions reveal my thankfulness in sebtle ways.

The words spoken this week is that I should remain where I am at until God moves me again. I am getting closer to complete healing. So this is what God is doing in my life. He is working in areas that I would normally shy away from. I seem to be walking with humility and confidence again. Yes, at one time I was very confident. However, this is not a confidence in my own eyes but in God's.

I have some work to do, but I will keep each of you posted. talk to you all soon. This is my hope, that in time I will see each of you again.

Love,

Loretta Angela :-)

How beautiful is the Lord that he would bless us with truth. We understand that in everything we do God has already possessed and determined. We don’t understand why, we don’t see clearly with spiritual eyes as we could. God is magnificiant in all his ways. His ways are so much higher. He opens our hearts to reveal the things we haven’t spoken, the truth comes out in a marvelous way.

For the most part, God does miraculous things. Not to impress us, but to bring us to the knowledge and understanding of who he is and who we are to him. At one point we have a broken image (more like an image we see in a broken mirrior). Its by the blood of Christ Jesus that we become healed and broken at the same time. This still confuses me, however, it is through the eyes of a child (spiritual faith) that we see with new eyes. My eyes have been opened for many years now about this area of my life. God is doing a mighty work. One I don’t try to understand or fathom. It is to great for me. He gives me such unbelieveable joy and yet there are days I struggle. God’s love enthrawls, captivates, and amazes my heart even in those struggles.

I have learned to trust God even in the most difficult of struggles. I have learned he is the Alpha and Omega the beginning and the end. Expect our lives aren’t ending it is just the beginning of his beautifuly written love story. I am in love with God. Not because he took my depression away, past pain, or even my troubles. I love him because he knows all we will deal with and uses it to help others through their trials. I learned that some time ago, but never put it into practice. I believed a lie, that what I had learned was all but a dream. I know God has retaught what I have learned.

God is doing mighty things.

Loretta Angela Boutwell

It has been several years now since God opened the doors for me to attend SCU. Though when I first came I was broken in so many ways. It hurts when I think about all the missed opporunities. But now that I think about it. God intended for most of what occured to challenge me as a person and as a servant in Christ Jesus. It is sometimes difficult for me to go back and look upon all the promises God has given. However, this weekend was beautifully orchstraded by the most high God. I had a fear that has kept me far from others. Friendships and even family. I didn't wany anyone to inherit my pain or discust that I had over my past. Therefore, I am asking God to make some changes in my life. I am good at living as a recluse, at pushing people away, and making excuses for my past fears. I typically don't open up this much, but today I felt a freedom and I hope that my friends, family, and my myspace friends will rejoice with me.

There was a man in my families life years ago that did some horrible things to me and my siblinigs. Things that I have tried to repress because of how painful the context was. It was not my position to open up about this eight years or less. I was afriad this man would find me or one of my siblings after he got out of prision. I was afriad he would find me and a friend or family member together in fellowship and kill us. Though I had the chance to change my name, looks, and even where I lived, I decided that I could just not tell anyone the position I was in. So I became anxious, always looking behind my back, setting walls up, and strong boundaries. Instead of trusting God, I was trusting in what Loretta could do, rather than what God can do. After a very long and emotional discussion with a dear friend, she helped me realize that my fears have kept me captive and therefore I was not able to comunicate my true heart when I knew that was what God wanted from me. I have worked hard to get to this place and to allow God to open my heart back up. So today revealed something more about God's nature. He fights for us in the manner of angles and the Holy Spirit. I pray that God open my heart during this time of resting in him. I hope that I can recognize God's purpose in my life. I have not given up on God, nor has he given up on me. I pray that if there is anyone out their who struggles in their walk with Christ Jesus, that they remember that his promises are yeh and amen. Today, I walk in freedom, tomorow for the rest of my life God has to carefully orchastrate his beauty. My hope is that this helps someone.

With my love,
In His service,
Loretta Angela Boutwell