I've had my confidence shaken, but it's time to rise again. Connecting with my Phoenix, I must demonstrate Beauty from Ashes ...again. I've done it before: balancing the roles of being a warrior, a woman and an artist. I will always try to face tribulation gracefully, as it is not only a tool for learning, but also a springboard for writing. However, I will also expect good things. Expect Beauty. Expect Love. Expect abundance of the essentials: grace, hope, air, water, love, music, and money. My life, although having had some amazing experiences and highs, has also somewhat been continually challenged by suffering. I will redefine my life with success: as a person, a woman, and an artist. It is a new day.
Goals Defined
1. To give my parents their retirement
2. To pay off my student loans
3. To see the 21 wonders of the world (natural, modern, existing ancient)
4. To give people the feeling that they are not alone, ultimately bringing them a little bit of relief, and a little bit of hope. Other people's music has done that for me, I want to continue to give back...
5. To accomplish all of the above by playing my own music worldwide.
6. To be clever enough to figure out and learn how the hell I'm gonna pull this off. .. and then execute it directly. I have to get back into focus mode. It's still there. It's just been napping. I am finding her and waking the bitch up... with espresso.
All that I know is that everything I've done up to this point hasn't worked the way I wanted it to. So now I need to find, study, and execute different approaches in order to accomplish my objectives. I don't want to do anything the same way behind the scenes. Everything has to be different. Starting with the positives, there are a few things that I can recognize as assets:
1. I have everything that it takes to accomplish the aforementioned goals.
2. I have 2 of the 3 things that it takes to have a successful business; skill & desire… am just missing the leadership. See 6 above.
3. I recognize my weaknesses and am willing and able to adjust them and grow as a business woman and as a human being.
A list of strengths:
1. See music resume… I look great on paper. Damn.
2. The 'confident' side of my personality. The one where I feel like I am the hostess to everyone else on the… my… planet. Confident and yet humble. It's been shaken a bit, but she's still there. Find her and never let her go… ever, ever again.
3. Passion coupled with ability to write great songs, produce them, record them, make a product, then develop and perform killer live shows. The bonus asset is that I love the gypsy life. I'm happy on the road in a van or bus. Give me good hair, good shoes, a great album, a stage, my guitar and a toothbrush… that's about all I need.
4. I am a seeker of Wisdom & Spiritual Truths, which I consider to be the ultimate strength.
5. A love for all people—one that is compassionate… "If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain." (-Emily Dickenson)
6. People seem to consistently like me and my music.
Things to be worked on:
1. Getting over the social anxiety of meeting the 'right' people. Something happens in my brain when I meet people (who haven't seen my show or heard my music) who I know can help me with my career. I don't ever want to sound desperate or like a charity case, but I honestly don't think I know how to execute conveying my cause without sounding that way... or at least feeling like I do. I'm sure this has something to psychologically do with 'where I came from.' Freud would have a hay-day.
Note to some people in the industry that I'm cool with: do you know why this anxiety (mostly) doesn't apply to you? Because when I met you, I didn't know 'who' you were. We chatted on the basis of just being people. This is why I've probably told you—I don't want to know 'who' people are before I meet them. It f---s me up… and as you have well learned, I can't be normal when I'm nervous. It also was easier when we met because it was you who came over to meet & talk with me. These have always been the circumstances in which I thrive—where 'they' want to meet me. At shows or in studio, I always feel like I own the place. But in different settings where people haven't heard the music, I always find myself wishing that 'they' knew 'who I was and what I do'… and there lies the catch 22 for me… I don't know how to convey that without sounding needy or cocky, or like another wanna be. I know they just need to hear the music for themselves. It says everything I need and want them to know. I'm a 'show me don't tell me' kind of girl, and I assume the business people are the same way. I just haven't been able to make the right doors open. Obviously playing 250 shows a year didn't work, which was the ultimate discouragement as I thought that if I played enough I would just get heard and someone with the real connections would do the rest. The bottom line is that I feel that I have done everything I can do within my own reach and resources. I know now that I need to just hold it all with an open hand, and pray for someone to come along and really groom me, teaching me how to go further in my music career… because I want to know how to be better at accomplishing my dreams and goals. I am humble, eager, willing, and hopeful.
2. I want to find the right partnerships:
major management and co-producer(s). I need people who know the business and right people... Who believe in me and are willing to get to know me as a person, so that I don't feel like I'm being fed to wolves. I don't want to just meet the right people, I want to know what to do once I get there—what to say, how to follow up, etc. I want to be prepared in every way to launch and deliver. I want to write better songs—more commercial songs—as that is the only way I'm gonna be able to do what I ultimately want to do.
I guess that's all for now.
To be continued…