There's this saying that I've stumbled across: "superman isn't brave, any idiot could run through gun fire knowing they're indestructible." I don't know why I love it so much but somehow I find so much truth in this. I look at the people in my life who are close to me; friends, relationships, a select few family members…and in remembrance I realize that not one of us has had a life so far that's been fair, or has gone the way we all think it will when we're five and playing house. Every one of us are a series of therapy cases that defines a generation of young adults who for whatever reason was forced to make it on their own, in the best way they knew how. My best friends been raped, another lives with a physically abusive father and suicidal mother, another was forced to work two jobs in high school to pay house payments and bills because her parents were drunks, another struggling with a mother who hated men and thus took it out on him. It always makes me laugh when I overhear conversations on public transportation about how the youth today has no respect for authority or the adults in our lives. During these times I have a strong urge to protest…to question, "When's the last time you took a moment to take even the slightest interest in our lives?" I don't think it's the respect we lack, I think it's the opposite that returned respect is lacking. Here is a generation of strong and independent young adults who have been through ten times the amount of turmoil than most of the people I've talked to with 20 years more experience. And yet we take from these experiences what we need to survive, grow and learn. I'm sure even those twice my age have a few stories to tell, and I do not discredit the journey it must have taken to shape them into the people I know today. But it puzzles me when encountering those, (let's just say, with authority?) and having to defend our independence, strength and strive for freedom. It has been our safety blanket, our reason to push through the lives we're given, to show the world…fuck 'em, we got here anyway. If it is true then that our parents, teachers, mentors have their own traumas why is it so hard for them to take the time to understand that we may know what we're doing, even if it's not how they'd do it, give us credit…we're still standing. How can our elders see the people we are if they spend half the time shaking their heads at us? Is it too far fetched to claim that they wouldn't be the people they are today if they chose to live the life everyone wanted them to? If not, then why has it become so impossible to have faith in us? To be patient, to put aside protection and concern and expectations and see how it all turns out? Sure, everyone needs direction, but even mapquest has a final destination…a stopping point. Is it worth it to scream at each other, to create years of anger that will cost 5 years on a leather couch telling some stranger how you feel for 300 dollars a week? How much time does it take to stop and see people, and I mean really take the time to see them? I do not claim to understand some of the things my peers do, be it friends or relationships, or the things my family does. That's not the point of intimacy, of closeness of any type of connection. The ultimate goal is not to understand. When I look at the people I know, I see an army of strong, compassionate individuals with a drive to prove to the world that despite the past, we won't let it break us. To me that's real bravery, that's a real hero. It's the people who spend their lives every day knowing there will be gunfire, knowing when to dodge the bullets and when to take a hit. We know more about strength than most will ever give us credit for…maybe it's time to have a little faith in the heroes that would never ask for fame.

Most of you who are in school...know what Im talking about when I say information cards. Those stupid little flash card things you have to fill out for each class so your teacher can pretend to care to remember your name. I always get a kick out of the last question they ask, its always something lame like...if you could be any kind of plant what would it be (like anyone spends any amount of time thinking about this...I usually utalize my right to be a smart ass and say something like "a bush" but no one gets my sense of humor anyway). So in one class one of the questions was: describe to me who you think you are in 3 sentences or less. And I really started to think about it. For one thing, how is anyone at 20 really going to know who they think they are. I can tell you what I like, what I dont like, how I feel, what I believe in...these are are all parts to that question I guess. And then I had a stunning thought. I think I am a collaberation of pieces of the people I know in my life. Somehow those who I know, have touched me somehow, leaving an imprint on me, molding me into this...individual I am right now. I am my mothers logic, my fathers recklessness, my sisters sarcasm, my ex's self questioning, my other ex's (?) enactment of bad decisions, my best friends strength, my uncles laziness... I am the pieces of the good and bad of those I love and treasure in my life. All who have known me, all how have touched me...I think thats an interesting way to look at the relationships we have in life. I dont know, it was just a tempting thought.

I think when you go through something major and youre left to deal with it on your own, you learn slowly that theres no one that can help you overcome the nightmare. No shrink or close friend to help you sort out whats inside, because everything is so confusing, everything flies by so fast, that even you cant pin it down. When no one believes you, you start distrusting your self, when no one supports you, you stop counting on their strength. When no one listens to you, you just stop talking until youre this...shell, the figure of a person on the outside with nothing recognizable on the inside. For some people, it doesnt get that bad, and I used to think they were the lucky ones...they have people who care about them. But then I realized that theyre still living the lie, the lie that people really care about you more than they care about themselves. Ive lived this lie too, and always will I think. I say that Im the only one left who still cares about other people more then I care about myself, and in some ways I genuinely believe it. But anyone could tell you its not true, all you have to do is review my life.Then again everyone tells me that the person you need to love the most is yourself, so maybe I'm going about it the right way. But how can I do that when everything I know about love and life has been a mystery? A lie a... I dont know, a fantasy? How can anyone find someone worth living for in a world that is full of lies and betrayal and is so...selfish? Are you just supposed to be with someone whos just as crazy as you are? Who is on your same level of insanity that you can create a life that makes even the smallest amount of sense? Or are we just supposed to settle for the person who can deal with our own level of insanity, the one thats ok with our crazy selves, is that what love is? A small part of me still clings to the belief that the true childhood fantasy is somewhere lingering around the corner, waiting for that moment when youve lost all hope, sweeping you off your feet. But what if then, on some gray sky morning, it will reveal itself in a way so unexpected you dont trust it. And thus, before life is able to repay all the loss its dealt you in the past, you walk away from the one thing that truly mattered, the one thing youve been searching for all your life. Ironic, so it seems. Yet the lessons in life teach us who we are and what to hold on to. I may be crazy for being the way I am and thinking the way that I do. I sway between the need to let go and the desire to keep going, or maybe their both needs... then again maybe theyre both desires? In the world I have imagined for myself, I make up scenarios and play out the dramas that encompass all the questions about love and hope that are bottled up inside. Resolutions often present themselves but in ways always dependant on someone elses instincts. Its not that I have none, but maybe what it boils down to is... what I hate most about others are qualities I posses myself. Lies, cowardness, denial, fakeness, manipulative tendencies... all words Ive been conditioned to despise, yet all traits that on some level I consume as well. All I know is I wish there was some way to feel like Im going the right direction, that Im going down the path I'm meant to travel. Because for now, I have a broken compass and Ive run out of maps.

Ive slipped into oblivion where the world has no answers. Where those you love, when faced with the trials of betrayal and pain, shut themselves away from the battles of conquering it. I will never understand why people have so much trouble admitting to pain they have caused. Why for some reason, taking on the challenge of making it right is something almost no one can bring themselves to do. I want to believe that the reason for this is because theyre too scared to find that they too have faults, faults that maybe they themselves cannot forgive.  I have tried to be patient, understanding, companionate and even sympathetic to these people, but I fear Im running out of energy. We only get one shot in life, one small chance to make it how we want. One time to learn all we can about ourselves and the people we chose to share our world with. In the words of one highly misunderstood rapper, "you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow this opportunity comes once in a lifetime". There is so much left unsaid, so much built up pain and anger and frustration, if you look carefully, you can see the little monsters desperately trying to climb out of the people who refuse to face them. Why are our defense mechanisms so strong that even we cant fight through them? Why are denial, lies, regret, responsibility and fear the emotions we cling to when we're put in the spotlight to address our mistakes? After all, theyre only mistakes. If it werent for them, how would we learn, how would we test boundaries, how would we test our own limits? Ive heard the same response to these questions, "its just so hard". Hmm, YOU THINK?! Its called life loves, it can have that affect. But wouldnt it be harder to deny your feelings, harder to suppress your emotions, to deny values and live in this emptiness that youve let surround you for the fear of doing something hard? These situations are meant to test us, test how far we will go for the dreams we seek, test how much we can take, test what we really believe in and how strong we can be (not how strong we are). Because theres so many different kinds of strength. There are people who take on hard times, battle it, think about it until theyre sure of what they want. There are people who stride through hard times and think positive, clinging to hope and the good in peoplewho keep fighting for that hope of a chance that it will work itself out. And there are those that walk away from everything, escape into the people they know they are, holding on to themselves. And then there are those that cry, let it all out, and then slowly move on. All these people are strong; all tactics are courageous, because courage, like strength, has many faces. I just wish that when faced with something, difficult, this strength and courage wont be too hard to find. Because after all, life is worth fighting for, love is worth risking all you have for. I know its a corn ball thing, but love is passion, obsession, something you cant live without. I say, fall head over heels, find some you can love live crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find them? Well, you forget your head and you listen to your heart. Cause the truth is theres no sense in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love? Well, you havent lived a life at all. But you have to try, because if you havent tried you havent lived. Let go of the constraints that hold you back,just levitate...I dunno, live. Dont be afraid to face your fears and strive for your dreams, life is nothing without this.

What I love about people is how no two of us are the same. We are all controlled by the same two organs that make us alive, and yet the desires of our hearts and minds are as different as could be imagined. Usually this is reflected on negatively, only showing the harm that people do to one another, in a light that tends to say they couldnt help themselves, theyre only human. But I dont see that, although there are evident confines between a persons heart and a persons will, someday the chains are bound to be broken and then the world is their playground. There is nothing that we cant do, that we cant overcome, that we cant embrace. Even if it takes a lifetime figuring out what it is that we need to get through, that will come, it will all start to make sense and become clear right as everything seems to be falling apart. And such is life, no one can explain why people do the tings they do, or dont do the things they want because ultimately, all is possible. Ive never been asked what I want, but if I ever had I wouldnt know where to start. Because wanting is the halfway point of being completely free. Its not getting your way, or winning that makes you who you are, that means that you have succeeded in life. Come on thats too easy. Its coming to terms with you, and knowing that no matter what, not a damn thing is gonna change, but then again youd never want it to. I want to be able to dance to my own tune, jump in piles of raked leaves and sing on the rooftops of the world. If this thing called life is given to us only once, why do we spend so much hiding from it?