1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Just returned from Los Angeles, CA. We were there for a week, having meetings with labels, lawyers, agents, P.R.O.s,... and playing gigs. It was a great trip. One of the first meetings we had was with a great guy, Arlow Chan (love him), with Warner/Chappell Music. Ended up going to lunch at a small Italian place walking distance from his office on Santa Monica. Can't remember the name, but it was a nice restaurant, and the food was good. And wouldn't you know, a few minutes later, in walks Tori Spelling and a couple of friends. They sat right next to us. The way the tables were set, and where I was sitting, one of her friends, an actor whose name I couldn't place, and Tori and I all sat staring at each other the entire meal. I had to look away NOT to be looking at them. Pretty funny. So we had our requisite star sighting/encounter while in L.A.

Jeni (Varnadeau) and I played at Tangier Restaurant & Lounge on Friday, and then me and my band played at the Beverly Wilshire, in Beverly Hills. Great gig! It was a 1950s theme night, and a blast to perform the music. Great venue, Great music, AND the people loved us (Great crowd)- That's a trifecta. It was officially a great success!

Met with an un-named actor/ress friend for lunch on Sunday, then took the night off and relaxed.

After more meetings on Monday, we headed home Tuesday afternoon. It's good to be back in Nashville, especially after a successful trip. But I'm really looking forward to being back in L.A. in April, at the latest. And I have a sneaking suspicion we'll be spending a lot more time there in the future. :) Keep your ears to the ground...

Rory

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a
musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones when they forget their special tags.

Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: Vibrato.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven – if sliced thin and you lay them out correctly.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.

Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention, alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.

Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.

Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.

Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure and unwitting orchestra
player to become a soloist.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?

Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.

Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.

Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!

Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Not You, ME!!

Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.

Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead.

Q: What's the definition of optimism?
A: A bass trombonist with a DOUBLE trigger attachment AND a beeper.

Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up and make SURE.

Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof

Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Yell "don't do it!" and hurry to cut the rope.

Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.

Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of them.

Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band? OR a conductor and an orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and pretend the world revolves around them.

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.

Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds.

Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.

Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
A: They're both commit murder on the high Cs.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded t o fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—God, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may see there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

I'm from Moss Bluff, Louisiana. For those of you not familiar with Moss Bluff or its location, it is just down the road from Ragley, Gillis, and Birdsnest, sits along the Calcasieu River, and is about 25 miles north (as the crow flies) of the Cameron/Holly Beach area on the Gulf of Mexico. I was born in Sulphur, Louisiana in the Calcasieu/Cameron Hospital and my grandfather and other various relatives spoke fluent Cajun-French. When my sister sent me this list I got a kick out of it. It really is a pretty good polaroid of SW Louisiana. Those who don't get it...well...it's a Cajun thing. Enjoy...

You Know You're From Southwest Louisiana If:

-Your Hurricane evacuation kit includes Community coffee.
-You refer to our winters as "Gumbo weather". (Bonne nourriture. C'est joie de vie!)
-You will eat, lobsters, crabs and boiled crawfish, but think eating Sushi is just plain weird.
-The name Rita became a cuss word.
-The I-10 and I-210 bridges are the highest points on earth you have ever been.
-You're A/C runs 11 months of the year.
-You still wear cutoffs, flip-flops, and mosquito repellant the day before Christmas while mowing your lawn.
-Every so often, you have waterfront property.
-Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.
-When you go to buy a winter coat, you throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room for you to catch Mardi Gras beads.
-You don't care what the price of gasoline is...you're gonna drive your truck!
-You give directions by referring to landmarks such as, "The old Wal-Mart" store.
-If your Mom/wife still fixes your plate.
-You don't re-stock your fridge until the storm is out of the Gulf.
-You experienced Hurricanes Audrey and Rita in your life time.
-You wake up Monday morning talking and thinking of going to the local High School football game on Friday, tailgating at McNeese or LSU on Saturday, and either going to the Saints' game in New Orleans, or watching it on TV.

Snapshot of the last 8 or 9 days... So last week I get awakened by a call at 5:30am. Now, no one calls me at 5:30am. I..m a musician. They know I..m in bed. So when my phone rings before 8am I know it must be important, and probably bad news of some sort that can..t wait until 10am when I..m probably up. Probably. On this particular morning my wife had to be at work by 4:45am. So when the phone rang at 5:30am I jumped up to get it thinking it might be her in need. I say, ..Hello, this is Rory... And the man on the other end says, ..Mr. Partin, this is officer [so-in-so] with the Nashville Metro police. Your wife has been in an accident... In those 2 seconds I saw my wife in a hospital fighting for her life with tubes running in and out of her, or she..s been attacked and seriously injured, or she..s dead - the worst scenarios. The next words out of his mouth were, ..Your wife is fine... Couldn..t he have turned that around and said ..your wife is fine.. first. And then say, ..she..s been in an accident... At 5:30 in the morning that would have been my preference. Please. Anyway, as it turns out she totaled her car, but she only scratched her nose and got a sore foot from trying to pull a Fred Flintstone to stop the car, and pushing the brake through the floor to the pavement. I have images of a bionic woman episode where Lindsay Wagner puts her foot out the door to stop her runaway car on a mountainside. It worked for her. Anyway, my wife is fine, but the car is totaled. Then her computer craps out on her that week and she looses pretty much everything on it. That..s her business and all of her thousands of contacts. Turns out it wasn..t backed up like she thought it was. That..s nice. Then our cat gets an ulcer in her eye and the vet is afraid it might pop out of her head. Sweet. Then this week my wife comes in to tell me the garage is full of water. Turns out my hot water heater tank is shot and I need a new hot water heater. It happens to be a direct vent natural gas model which I..ve learned costs around $2000 to $2500 to replace. It took me 5 days to figure this out after installing the wrong one, and having to take it back out and return it, and then having them come to install one for me and finding out their won..t work either because it has to be the exact same make and model I had before. By this time I haven..t showered, going on 4 days. So finally I go to Lowes this morning and buy an electric water heater for $200, to install with my road manager, Roger. Actually, Roger will probably do most of the work, and I..ll tell him what a great job he is doing and how much I appreciate it and bring him something to drink. That..s a quick snapshot of the 2 weeks bigger seemingly negative happenings. Now some of the results.

Back to the car.. so we get a call at 7:30am yesterday. Remember that is almost always bad news at that time of the morning in our home. Turns out it..s my father-in-law. He says he wants to sell us his 2005 Toyota Prius for $5000. Now that..s a call worth getting out of bed for; and it..s so good news. Our car was totaled at $5000, and he wants to sell us his Prius with only 23,000 miles on it for $5000! I couldn..t even get out of bed when my wife told me. It was too much to take in. I had prayed for a Prius last year, and would have never dreamed this is how God would answer my prayer. It..s incredible. My in-laws are sooooo generous. They always have been. Amazing people. My wife was able to fix her computer, so now my wife..s computer is working, mostly. My cat just came from the vet and her eye is healing, I..m getting a hot water heater today, and probably picking up our new Toyota Prius hybrid this week. Oh, and this week I also got a call from a company asking me to write, produce and sing their national song for 2007.

They say things come in groups. So I..m wondering what other wonderful things await us in the near future. God takes all the bad things and works them for our good, I believe that. It doesn..t mean we enjoy the bad or that it doesn..t hurt and isn..t sometimes painful, sometimes very painful, but it means He isn..t caught by surprise by anything. He..s known it was coming all along, and has already made plans for us in relation to it. Plans to prosper us. It..s been a crazy 2 weeks, there..s a lot more stuff, but those are a few of the highlights. I..m learning a whole bunch about myself and my pride and my beliefs and how I live them out. It is often difficult, but very cool at the same time. Because every time times like this come, God shows up and reveals Himself to us more and more and shows His goodness and faithfulness, and grace and mercy to us. And the next time stuff happens we know we are strong enough to make it through because we can look back and see that we always have made it through, and that God has always been there with us in the midst of it all and been faithful to provide strength. We can do any thing through His strength he gives us. So I..m excited to see what..s coming. Because I know that no matter what it is, God is going to work it out for my good. And I..m expecting a lot of good in the near future.

This is an email I received from a friend in Belgium. It's so cool how God works in this life. Keep in mind while reading this that I'm from Lake Charles, Louisiana.
Rory

Subject: Waterloo and Big Band crooners

Dear Jeni,

Thanks for your note.

Sit back and relax for a minute. Comfy? Okay. Well, since I already had the advanced copy of Rory's CD, I decided to make the new one a gift to an elderly but very faithful lady in our parish who has a special connection to Rory and his music. Her name is Brenda Barleycorn -- sounds like something from a Dickens novel, eh? When Brenda was 12 years old in 1940 (do the math), she was evaculated from London because of the blitz bombing. She was taken by steamship to a far away land -- called (wait for it) -- Lake Charles, Louisiana. She was there until the end of the war. Her life and her world view were never the same. She still keeps in contact with the family who raised her there -- and she loves Louisiana with an abiding passion. But she lives here in Belgium now -- and has been for many years a widow. She is the most tireless baker for all parish events having to do with caring for the needy and forgotten. But, despite her many good deeds, lately she has been suffering from her loneliness and isolation. She might be depressed medically; it's hard to say. Regardless, we have all noticed she has not been her usual self lately -- going on a year or more. We hardly knew what to do or say. She's old enough to be our grandmother -- no one wants to be intrusive. But this past summer we had a high school choir from Rhode Island come through to do a concert at church. We only had 25 people in attendance -- even though there were 35 in the choir. The choir had an acappella girls quartet -- singing Big Band music from the 40's, the director recognizing that here in Belgium there was a memory of the GI's that might be evoked by this splendid music. Brenda attended the concert -- and I have never seen her so enthralled and joyful. Even "dancing" while seated in the pews, Brenda really enjoyed herself that night. I noticed she cried when it was over. A few weeks later, you guys came over here -- and you gave me Rory's CD at lunch. (The plot thickens) I went by to see Brenda, but she wasn't home. I left the CD in her mailbox with my card. And the next thing I know, she is telling me that Rory's incredible music has brought her and her granddaughter closer together than they had ever been before -- and "my, how much he sounds like a young Frank Sinatra..." and on and on she chatted like the closet Bobbysoxxer she is at heart. She told me that she had been dancing in her home -- and then explained that she didn't actually have Rory's CD any longer. Her granddaughter was listening to it in her car each day -- because it made her feel closer to her grandma ...and to the grandfather she barely knew. Brenda said she sure did like Rory, though. I reminded her that she had, in fact, already met Rory and even baked for him. She blushed like a schoolgirl. Then, I told her where the talented Mr. Partin was originally from...there was dead silence. Long pause. Then she smiled. "God has a way like that, do you know what I mean, Father Baldridge?"

Isn't it too wonderful? What do you say to that? Straight out of "Guideposts"...

It's such a cool story -- and it's even true. Thus, when you guys come in January, Rory (at a minimum) is definitely going over to a feast at Brenda Barleycorn's house. No doubt he'll have to bring a Sharpie for the autographs he'll be signing. And why not? He's already been an agent of Grace -- he might as well be "a guest at the banquet", "know what I mean, Vern?"

Stay well, mes amis! Happy Friday!
In His Love,
KDB+

The Rev. Kempton D. Baldridge
Rector, All Saints' Episcopal Church
Waterloo, Belgium
www.allsaints.be

CD Reviews: The Southern Charm of Rory Partin
By Joe Montague

It isn't often that you think of Big Band music emanating for Tennessee the center of everything Country and most gospel vibes. Rory Partin however is not originally from Tennessee. The leader of the Rory Partin Big Band since 2000 is a native of Louisiana.

The 2006 release of The Very Thought Of You provides sensitive readings of Ray Noble's "The Very Thought of You" and "Let's Fall in Love" (Harold Arlen/Ted Koehler). There is a solid swinging rendition of "Mack The Knife" that is a little smoother than Bobby Darin's performance. Oh how I wished for a dance partner while this tune resonated off the walls in my home.

The musicians are absolutely stunning. The band's thirteen piece horn section will soon have you swaying to the music. Terry Waddell's arrangements for Route 66! appear well suited for Partin's vocals and the trio of Cole Burgess (sax), trumpeter Jamie Simmons and Al Javorcky (trombone) really show what they are made of blowing some great notes. "It Had To Be You" casts Partin in a light closer to Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett than Harry Connick Jr. This crooner has everything including being incredibly handsome. He has that dark featured mystique about him which opens hearts to the tender lines from the title track "The Very Thought Of You." What woman wouldn't want to believe that he is daydreaming about them? Hate to burst your bubble but Partin is happily married to pop singer Jeni Varnadeau.

This may sound like an oxymoron but the horns sound more subtle than brassy. "The Very Thought of You" as interpreted by the Rory Partin Big Band is the entrée that makes you want to sail around the ballroom floor. Partin's vocals are the desert that melts in your mouth and prompts you to whisper "I love you" in your partner's ear. By the time the crooner gets to "The Way You Look Tonight" you are sighing and dreaming of a life together. If your dance partner is your husband or wife you should be remembering all the reasons you fell and stayed in love.

It is no wonder that the Rory Partin Big Band has become a favorite at such gala events as presidential inaugural balls in Washington D.C. (on six occasions), the Belmont Stakes and the National Symphony Ball in Washington D.C. The Band has become a favorite of world class hotel ballrooms such as those found at The Ritz Carlton, The Waldorf Astoria and the Opryland Hotel.

Pianist Jeff Lisenby lays down great chops. The rhythm section of Paul Abrams (guitar), bassist Chris Kent and drummer Scott Weckerly are spectacular. There isn't a weak note on this album.

Yes the album is comprised of standards and classic swinging jazz tunes but Partin's vocals, the band's magical instrumentals and Waddell's arrangements make this a breath taking journey.

Artist: The Rory Partin Big Band
Label: Roryn Parti Entertainment (Independent)
Length: 10 Tracks/ 34:24
Released: 2006

*Joe Montague is an internationally published journalist living in Canada. All material is protected by copyright and may not be redistributed without the author's prior written permission.

STYLE: Jazz
RATING 7 out of 10
OUR PRODUCT CODE: 18301-11375
DISTRIBUTION: Independent RPE0604
FORMAT: CD Album
DISCS: 1

Reviewed by Ian Hayter

The Rory Partin Band... considered to be one of the best contemporary swing and jazz bands currently performing in the USA. They have performed at six Presidential Inaugural Balls and are much in demand on college campuses and at corporate functions... The band itself plays tightly together, with some good soloists (Cole Burgess on saxes, Jamie Simmons on trumpet and Al Javorcky on trombone). This album contains 10 standards, all ably arranged, including "Mack The Knife", "It Had To Be You", "The Way You Look Tonight" and "Luck Be A Lady". If you enjoy the recordings of Harry Connick Jr and Michel Bublé this is up to that standard while much better than the grisly Robbie Williams big band album.