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jonathan coker



Last Updated: 12/6/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 18
Sign: Virgo

City: KATY
State: Texas
Country: US
Signup Date: 4/29/2006

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Monday, June 15, 2009 

Current mood:  angsty
So this is summer; intentionally a statement yall, not a question. It’s been covered in ruinous prospects of elation, drenched in further debauchery delivering my own demise, with other creeping sensations of an urgency best kept in the back of your mind, all of which melt to make a hideous portrait of a sad, sad silly stupid fool.  

This is what most would call melodrama and it is, but it’s also actuality. This year alone has already seen numerous catastrophes on numerous scales and levels on numerous uncanny occasions. Some of which (in utter hindsight) are somewhat full of the lawls, others are just plain sad. Yet all of which have brought the death of a distinct part of my former self. I can honestly say I am no longer the person I once was in my eyes, and in others. The innocence I once clung to for some mad idea of dear life is now on the floor like some wet, wounded animal beaten and left out in the rain, and I, left indoors, sit and watch it weep, gesticulating for assistance. Yet, I know it’s dying if not dead…na, scratch that, bitch is dead.
          Enough with the confessional yall, what I’m trying to stumble my way into is something eye opening and hopefully (hopefully…) something to make you wonder about. I feel like we die many times in life. The person we once were last week, may no longer be presently alive. He or she may be long gone, possibly wet and wounded and gesticulating, or possibly stone cold dead a la a doornail. We build ourselves up and ruin ourselves countless times all in some vain attempt to create a better version of ourselves. We may manage to find the right parts, aligning them in their proper place, but some error will surely rear its nasty ass head somewhere down the line, becoming just another problem to overcome until we reach life’s finale on our respective deathbeds.
          These days, I’ve been in a severe state of flux, indifferent towards progression, tolerant of stagnancy, and yet all the more overwrought with aggression. With the people around me searching for the parts to make me whole again, back to the person I once was, my point of view would seem a bit cloudy, but it’s actually the clearest it’s been. So maybe when we’re forced to destroy pieces of the person that can exist no longer, it could be an excuse to start again, a novel life filled with novel possibilities. But then again, wouldn’t inner turmoil emerge soon enough? Honestly, this has just become a stream of consciousness, a sort of relief for my stubborn unconscious in its vain attempt to become logical. Life is full of so many vain attempts, is it not? Repeat, repeat, repeat, indeed.

I apoliogize for all this macabre shiiittt, just trying to give it to ya straight up...lol


me
 
Currently listening:
The Anthology
By A Tribe Called Quest
Release date: 1999-10-26
4:05 AM 
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Thursday, April 16, 2009 

Current mood:introverted
"I'm sentimental, so I walk in the rain. I've got some habits even I can't explain. Go to the corner...end up in Spain; Why try to change me now?"

This is a blog about habits. We've all got them, shit i know i do. IDK why I can't learn to turn my closet light off before i leave for school/hell. IDK why I can't learn to keep my cellular device some where I can find it later. And we all have that sick and crippling lust for self-abuse. No, not the kind that can inflict physical pain! The kind that mars your mind and tugs at your heart violently, as you ponder why you're so prone to this uncanny form of self-mutalation. ANYWAYS, why must we keep resolving to the same old woe is me sentiment. Why can't we break this incesscant spell of constantly digging ourselves into holes dug deeper and deeper by our habits, by our selfish intentions? But what I'm asking is how? How do you prevent something from happening that you have no concious notion of? These unconcious proclivites, and their side effects spring up at the strangest times, and you never see them coming, but sit and watch as your horror grows and grows. And when they hit, they hit like a tornado which indeed loves to devour you, but one which you don't exactly love back. Maybe our habits are just silly lil reminders of how imperfect we truly are, or how insensitve. Maybe, to stop these innate tendencies we must tumble outside ourselves and watch our actions, watch our words, watch others reactions. Or maybe external scavanger hunts will do no good; it's quite possible that the devil may be in the details which we don't even comprehand and never will. But why try you ask, why try now? Well, I ask you...why not?

CHANGE FTW (not a B. Obama shout out yall, so sit down and stfu)

-me


Currently listening:
Middle Cyclone
By Neko Case
Release date: 2009-03-03
10:47 PM 
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Monday, December 29, 2008 

Current mood:  nostalgic

So I'm up late again...it seems I can only spit these things up at like 1:00 in the morning. Regardless, here it goes:

 

Today was my worse day in a long time. Why? Because i had absolutely nothing to do but sit and think about how far I've come since...idk...freshman year...and the relationships I've created with people. Some of which have stood the tests of time effortlessly, refusing to be weathered by things as trite as petty highschoolbullshit, and others seem to be deteriorating before my eyes, if not already floating away down a river chuck full of other petty bullshit. Recently, i look around at all my friends and i see their friendships with others being picked apart by those damn vultutres incognito as..idk...jealousy, envy, or really just misunderstandings. I know as high schoolers (hell, as youth) we're prone to confrontation, but when we're able to let things go down that already overwrought river of utter bullshit, you really gotta wonder; how willing were we to fight for our friends in the first place? Do we see our friends now as silly temporary until we fly away to college and start our real lives? Or are we too caught up in our own troubles and tribulations to really care anymore about them, like in elementary school when friendships kinda meant something. Back then arguments would usually just blow over in a couple of days, and we'd forget out little problems, and go back to our little games on the playground. What I'm trying to spit out is..maybe we just don't value things like we should...and maybe we value the wrong things..like our pride. Back then, did we really have a facade to keep up, or a lifestyle to maintain, or a girlfriend/boyfriend to answer to? I don't know about yall, but i miss those easy playground days, when things would just blow over after everyone went to lunch after recess, and there wasn't even a river to ponder upon.

 

Just thinking out loud

 

Me.


Currently listening:
Gulag Orkestar
By Beirut
Release date: 2006-05-09
3:58 PM 
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Tuesday, July 29, 2008 

Current mood:  sick

I stayed up all night thinking.

And I felt like sharing my thoughts.

 

How many mistakes in life have we made already? How many more are we sure to make? And how many are we prone to make over and over again? These questions are not only futile to ask for there is no definite answer for any of them, but are nagging reminders of how much we all fuck up in life. We, as human beings, at our best, can only create opportunities for ourselves, at least so says Maya Angelou, but the road we take to reach these chances at success or happiness or whatever is your pot of gold is laced with remnants of shitty relationships, wrong choices of adjectives, words left unsaid, and decisions we wish we had not haven chosen.

 

However, I see the past as something that cannot be altered, or even suppressed, but as a reminder of all the mistakes we've made, and an instruction manual to aid us in our struggle to never make them again. I see the future in yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and I see our mistakes as just as significant as our triumphs. Even so, is it not normal for us all to regret some little detail of what was or what is? This is why I really just don't understand why people can say they regret nothing! Nothing. And what is their logic for such an improvident clause? "Because my mistakes made me into the person I am today." Well okay, I can agree with that. But does that mean you can't regret failing a test because you didn't study, or never saying goodbye to someone you never saw again, or not charging your damn phone in before you went to bad?!?! I don't know how you can't regret something like that…I know I have, and I know I do.

 Regret is such an overwhelming emotion. Maybe it's so overwhelming we'd rather pretend that we don't feel it, bury it alive, and hope it doesn't come back to haunt us. Some of us hide behind our morals and our pious words like surefire sentinels, blocking that common emotion (known as regret) from our minds. And by denying its existence, we simultaneously make it all the more real.  Too bad regret never sleeps, and if it does, it takes time to mend the damages it causes; if it ever does.

yeah, blah, blah, blah..oh well:

-me again

Currently listening:
Transformer
By Lou Reed
Release date: 2002-10-22
3:57 PM 
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Sunday, May 04, 2008 

Current mood:  nostalgic

Things are ending. Everywhere I look I'm surrounded by things ending...i wont list them, that'd be so tedious and kinda dumb. "Why not?" you ask? Well there's too many of them, some off which I'd rather not say out loud; or even think about. At this unusual point in our lives, right before we're set to "take off" things are supposed to get more difficult, and things are supposed to end. Maybe my orthodonist was right "Things are gunna get worse before they get better"...even though I hardly believe that bitch.


 

Okay, what I'm at least trying to get at is...maybe we should leave things alone and just let them end...That hesitation, or the idleness we feel when letting things go could be a sign that maybe it really is time to just let it go..And that's why sometimes the truth..just like the notrious cliche.. is really daunting; because it's the truth. And sometimes we can't handle the truth. It's hot, our hands tend to wanna drop it, leave it on the ground, never pick it back up, run away from it..and never look back.


Soooooo..I'm gunna try to hang on to the truth, and cradle it, and accept it. Because I mean..it is the truth right? Let's all be real for a minute..and get over it.

 

 Me.

7:47 PM 
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Saturday, February 02, 2008 

Current mood:  determined

 

Recent times- in my life anyways- have been nothing less than one big misunderstaning after another big catosthropic dilemma. Okay, maybe not at such a high magnitude, but whose to say these little molehill problems aren't causing mountains of trouble? Distractions are indeed an obstruction to the construction of the task at hand...and my task of late is to figure out what the hell my task really is. Why do we see some distractions as obstacles that we have to evade slyly or avoid easily, instead of things that need a fixin'..? Is it apathy, are we just afraid, or is it just uncertainty in ourselves? I've been hunting for ways out of my problems for years, always blaming someone else...but maybe I'm THE PROBLEM? Maybe your're your own problem? I guess I've concluded that until we can defeat ourselves and discover where we stand in life, we will never win. So until we figure ourselves out, I guess we're stuck being losers. Big Fat Losers..and that's fine by me for the time being.

 

Goodbye.

Currently listening:
Jukebox - Deluxe Edition
By Cat Power
Release date: 22 January, 2008
5:41 AM 
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Monday, December 10, 2007 

wow. it's been a while since i've written a new one...

anyways. This semester, year, whatever...it's been full of almosts...

almost great, almost free of bullshit, almost free of stress, almost exciting, almost too fun, almost sweet. But never just...great. Which i guess is better than it being "JUST OKAY"...but honostly, will anything ever be good enough? I think not. Therefore, these almosts that show up in life are actually just tiny little pieces of perfection tucked underneath the surface...maybe these almosts are really what perfect looks and feels like?? And maybe we should just take the time to sit down, under a blanket, with some cookies (i like cookies, but you can choose whatever suites you, cuz your special) and enjoy our lives. For you never know if tommorrow is gunna be really bad instead of just kinda bad...

I'd advise you to take heed to my tounge. it's hardly ever wrong...

ME

4:27 AM 
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