...All Ties To Everything That Kept Me Down And Made Me Miserable.

So Monday night I finally got the balls to quit my job. It was dumb in the sense that now I have no money coming in... But at the same time its exactly what I needed... That job made me soo miserable.. I was entirely under appreciated for the time and effort that i put into that restaurant. I spent 60 hours a week there, and every night I left dreading my next 12 hours shift. It definitly taught me a lot... and it helped me get my own life started... but I refuse to let anyone bring me down anymore... whether it be my manager... or a boyfriend.  I'm a hard worker, who can complete any task you present me with... but I refuse to go out of my way for someone when I know for damn sure they won't do the same for me... and Monday night i finally realized that no matter how many people at the job like me, how many people appreciate my time and effort that i put it... there will always be one asshole that will go out of his way to make my life entirely miserable.. I am not a 10yr old little girl... I'm a grown woman, and will be treated like one. I wasn't some young kid that just came off the street to get a job, i put my time in and proved myself with every shift that i completed

I go for everything and everyone that isn't right for me because I really have no idea what is right. I accept everything, because Im not used to having any other option. I have low standards when it comes to personality... and I have a heavy heart when it comes to helping others. Spending so much time alone makes me realize a lot of my flaws... but it also makes me question most of my strengths. My confidence carries me high... but it's looked down upon by most standards.. I'm anything but shy... but it's very rare for me to reveal my whole personality. I don't think of myself as a party girl, but i let loose when I don't have anything to do. I can't sit in the house by myself for a day without completely loosing my mind... because it moves soo quickly I get over whelmed by all of my thoughts. I see it as I have nothing holding me back.. so there's no reason to slow the pace... but at the same time it's hard for anyone to keep up. It's mind boggleing trying to decide on my next move... or where Ill end up... So i try to just make things up as I go... but  that makes it harder for anyone even myself to depend on anything solid... I get bored entirely too easy.. and I need constant change of scenery. I find myself looking for something... but I have absolutley no idea what it is... I can rarely find true happiness in anything.. but i just wing it and try to have it for the night. The morning is a new day with new thoughts and dreams.... sometimes i wish I could just cut all ties and start over.. where no one knows who i am.. and where I can fuck up from a fresh start... but i have no idea where or when I'd even try and plan this.

...Everyone Can Tell Me How I Am... But I Have Absolutely No Idea.

Some Say I'm a Pistol... but I think I keep most of my comments to myself. Some say I'm Too Nice... but I don't believe that I do anything spectacular for anyone. Some say I'm a Party Girl... but I believe that I've calmed down to an extreme level. Some BELIEVE that I can be Wifey... but really I don't think I'm ready to commit to anyone. Some tell me that I'm Nonchalant about absolutley everything.. but I think that I blow most things out of proportion.

I've noticed that no matter where I go I have someone that wants to tell me exactly how I am.... and it amazes me that they can come up with a description.. because I could never decribe myself to anyone. The only thing about myself that I'm entirely sure of is that I change my mind a bajillion times... about every little thing, and that I'm never entirely sure about anything that I do. Other than that.... I couldnt begin to tell you anything else about myself... But I don't believe that I do anything wrong.. I'm enjoying life... I'm being 18.

Sooo the past few weeks I been clubbing and working... and just doing the damn thing. lol.. i been having a blast. Works been kinda slow... but it's still paying the bills... and then some. My apartment looks really good.. I been having so much fun decorating everything. I finally got my coffee table last week.. it took 3 months.. but it looks gorgeous sitting in my living room. LoL.. it was funny as hell tryna fit that thing in my car though. Last weekend I had a total blast... thursday nite = club wit Mingo. Friday = Getting Shitty with the old clayton crew.. and FINALLY partying wit Joany.  Saturday= Shoppin wit Ash and Hann.. Then CLUB NITE.. Fun as hell... The clubb was poppin. Ha. and then after my party weekend.. I had to get back on that grown woman status and go back to work... This week my weekend is spread out... but i dont care.. I've pretty much accepted completely whereing myself down so I can have everything that i want.. because nothing is worth it if you're not happy.. like sure.. having my own place is nice.. but working 6 days a week and coming home just to sleep is boring as hell... And 90% of the time it sucks coming home to no one... ... lol.. but right now I'm at a good place....

...No Matter How Hard You Try To Play Me... I Always Win.

I refuse to fail... so i never rely on anyone other than myself... I refuse to put more effort into anyone than they put into me... And I always walk away knowing that you just left the best you ever had... I know this when you can't keep your eyes off me everytime you see me...  when after a few weeks you're blowing up my phone...

I'm one of a kind... I cute, but i have heart... I'm not conceited but I'm confident... I don't believe that I'm better than anyone... but I know for damn sure no one is better than me. When I walk into a room I don't go unnoticed. And no matter how hard you try to ignore me, that is entirely impossible.. Because I don't do wrong to anyone... I'm a hard working little lady... that has pushed myself to sucess.. and I'm still pushing. I strive for happiness with each day that I wake up... And I find absolutely no reason to live life if you don't enjoy it.. And that's exactly what I'm doing now. I dance the nights away... I meet people everywhere I go... I have no problem doing things on my own... because I've been fighting this battle myself my entire life. There is not one person that will make me feel bad about myself... and I only have one shot to make this life all I can.. and thats exactly what I'm going to do.

"...if it makes you happy it can't be that bad... if It makes you happy..then why the hell are you so sad.."

Wake up each morning with the erge for sucess.. strive for the smile that will change your day... dread the moment that will ruin it. Nothing is worth it if you're not happy.. and regaurdless what it is, if it makes you happy it can't be all that bad. You can never please everyone... sometimes you just need to take off and do something for yourself. Look for your passion that makes your mind soar.. and your heart prosper. Hold on to anything or anyone that can change any of your insecure thoughts right around to something positive. Most wake up each morning with the same question, " why am I here?" and honestly there is no point what so ever to ask, or even answer that question.. because the ultimate reason will never be revealed... So enjoy the ride and make this mystery worth it. Surround yourself with positive energy, high hopes, and big dreams. Accept your accomplishments.. but never settle for just that... always try for better... Nothing has ever been promised to us for this life.. so we have to make our own paths, and never expect anything from it.. because you are only worth what you give and what you work for.

Flash forward to a few years later, and I'll be everything you always wanted... Looking back, leaving me will be your biggest mistake... Your first chance is on an optimistic level, your second chance is based on wishful thinking... but the third is none existant based on the simple fact that I was never worth one chance for you.  I've finally come to the conclusion that I will not stand for anyone who doesn't care. I will no longer waste my sincerety on someone who will not waste one second of their time on me when I'm not "convenient".There's absolutely nothing that will allow me to believe that I'm not worth something... I've worked hard for everything I've recieved my entire life. I'm a sincere person, with a hugmongous heart... Im a hard working little lady with my life to prove it..  And I'll be damned for anyone to ever believe they are worth more than what they are willing to give someone else.. I give the world to people i care for... I offer honesty, sincerety, and respect... but I no longer offer any of that to someone who will not give me the same.. I'm leaving behind my insecurity, and opening up to a whole new view.. I deserve to be treated right, I deserve quality time with someone who believes I'm worth it... Because after everything I've been through, and everything I've seen... there's not going to be one person in my life that will tell me I'm not worth everything I strive for.

It's exhausting to try to change my mind... it 's even more exhausting for me to make it up. My heart is a lost cause, that cares too much for anyone who cannot care for themselves. I have no idea how to react to sincerety, because almost everyone I ever met throughout my life has been trying to conn something for themselves.  I'm the type of person that refuses to step on anyone else to get what I want.. I will not take something someone has worked hard for away from them, especially if they deserve it. Lately I've come to the conclusion that I hate how my life has come about.. But I know what I have to do to change that.. it's just up to me to get the motivation to do it.  Recently I was asked by someone who i care for imensely for some riduclous reason, "What makes me you worth the chance more than anyone else..." And now thinking about it, there's no reason I should ever have to answer that to anyone... theres no reason why I should prove someone that i thought cared about me to that I'm worth anything. But I have proved everyone wrong my entire life.. I have been my family's biggest surprise since the day they found out I would be born. There's no reason I should have ammounted to what I have so far... A little farm girl that grew up in a broke family... surrounded by drugs, alcohol, and fighting.. I'm my own greatest sucess, and I accept everyone for who they are, and who they strive to be.

If you were to rip out one page in my life... you would be amazed... If you were to read the whole novel, it would change your life forever. I'm worth everything you're not willing to give me and more.. but I'll get what I want on my own time, and it'll be everything that I've worked hard for.

..the hardest part about growing up is learning when to move on.... when to forgive what you have been though.. but never to forget.. When to accept faliure, but not defeat.  And when to open up to love when everything you've experienced tells you not to... The myth that broken people are the better survivers isnt true.. it's just that we know what to expect.. so the phase of surprise is already surpased.  Your greatest fear should only be fear itself, go for what makes you happy bold and without hesitation. We can start over when ever we choose... or destiny is at our own will... Theres a sunrise and a sunset for everyday... giving you the option to move on.  I remember when I was in  middle ..and highschool on the first day of school the teachers would always ask "What is your greatest fear?" And my reply would always be "faliure". But now I've come to realize that there is no set standard for faliure... we catagorize it ourselves.  And I have yet to fail myself. I'm a hard working woman, proved with my sucess and pride. I take on each day head on, without hesitation.. I have met many people that have taught me many things in my life.. and I have experienced more than what a girl at my age should have.  And I can gaurentee that anything you put me up against i will conquer and I am ready to move on with the rest of my life and see where it will take me.