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Mark



Last Updated: 11/24/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Married
Age: 39
Sign: Pisces

City: Altneuland
State: Michigan
Country: US
Signup Date: 5/5/2006

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009 
5:33 AM 
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Friday, November 13, 2009 
Atlanta - CNN announced today that controversial host Lou Dobbs has resigned and will be replaced by a Mexican who promises to work for lower wages.  This continues a trend in broadcasting which has been going on since this article was written and has caused much concern among conservatives. Stated Rush Limbaugh, "Obviously this is what happens in Obama's America, this dangerous wave of assault on conservatives is worse than the Holocaust and Stalin's purges combined. I mean it, I just tell it like it is."

Lou Dobbs himself expressed outrage at his replacement, "See what happens when you start letting Mexicans in. I know for a fact that 972% of all crimes in this country are committed by Mexicans. This is a plain fact I got from the Independent research group People Who Want to Kill All Mexicans With Mustard Gas. I also know that 325% of all diseases and 569% of all Potato peeler injuries are caused by Mexicans. This is an undisputable fact you can look up on the website of the totally non-partisan organization Right Wing Nuts Who Want to Put All Mexicans on a Big Boat and Sink It.  I'm Mister independent and I know that every problem from my hemmorhoids to my wife's frigidity is caused by Mexicans, it's always the Mexicans."

Glenn Beck cried and said "I just feel I've lost my country now that there's a black man in the White House. I'm not a racist, just a concerned conservative who knows that the free and fair election of a black man by a majority of the population was the end of freedom in this country." 

Bill O'Reilly commented, "I'm not gonna spin this, I'm not a partisan hack, but I see that we've lost all liberty in this country and we're now more communist since we elected a black Democrat than the Soviet Union ever was. That's just my rational independent perspective."

Mr. Dobbs has not commented on his future plans but rumors abound that he is pursuing a lucrative endorsement deal with Taco Bell.





Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2009 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.
6:50 PM 
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Friday, October 23, 2009 
1:32 AM 
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Wednesday, September 23, 2009 
 
Washington - Leading conservatives today issued a blanket apology for berating protesters over the last several decades.  The sheer delight conservatives have taken in the August 2009 Town Hall protests led to a complete reversal of values for most conservatives.

Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh released this joint statement, "Previously we referred to all protesters as crazy hippies. We now believe that the louder and more disruptive a protest is, the more legitimate your cause is. Protesting is a great symbol of freedom and should be encouraged."

Glenn Beck also spoke out, "This country loves dissent, I applaud anyone who has the courage to make your voice heard. To all the Anti-war protesters of the last eight years, I apologize, you guys are real heroes. I can't believe the President didn't automatically change policies once he heard there were angry protests by a strongly vocal minority. Maybe if you all had been armed it would have been better."

Pat Buchanan issued an apology on behalf of the entire Nixon administration, "We called you crazy hippies and told you to get a job, said you threatened the country. Now I think you're all great Americans and can't believe we didn't listen to you. You should have been louder and brought guns, that would have made it all better."

The Republican Party released this statement, "This is not hypocrisy. We're merely flexible in changing times. There's now nothing we love more than an angry protester. Just as we changed our minds about maritial fidelity in between Bill Clinton and all the sex scandals of the last few years. We embrace change. Since January 20, 2009 we now find deficits unnacceptable and don't believe anyone has a duty to support the President in time of war. We also don't think the office of the President has to be respected at all. See, we're just flexible."
6:33 PM 
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Sunday, August 09, 2009 
Philadelphia - The American Independence movement came to an end today as delegates were unable to voice any opinions or have any rational debate to unruly crowds shouting down the  speakers. The crowds were reported to be funded by the British but claim to be grassroots organizations.

Thomas Jefferson of Virginia lamented the end of the Independence movement, "We wanted to create a country where all voices could be heard, a civil country governed by rational ideas and healthy debate where..." Mr. Jefferson was then shouted down by cries of "Tyranny" "Socialism" and "Nazi"

The spokesman for the protesters, a Mr. Loy A. Liste stated, "We're just ordinary Americans who want to have our voices heard. The tyranny here is people trying to have their voices heard when we're shouting all the time. Enough of the tryanny of these 'founding fathers' lets make sure they're never heard again. The fact that we're angry proves we're right. Long live King George! Down with Tyranny!"

News reports have traced Mr. Liste's organization People who love Freedom and Puppies and Babies to funds coming from Britain, although this was denied by the group's chair, General Cornwallis, "These are just ordinary colonists speaking their mind. Don't listen to 'polls' and 'elections' that say they're a minority, the fact that they're loud and angry proves they're right. This isn't mob rule, it's democracy and freedom. We'll be taking our private citizens on our grass roots vessel, HMS King George III to spread the word of freedom, along with our friends who like to wear read coats."

In the end the angry loyalists were able to protect themselves from the tryanny of having to listen to ideas they didn't like. A truly great day for freedom.
10:48 PM 
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Tuesday, July 14, 2009 
9:40 PM 
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Saturday, July 04, 2009 
1:18 AM 
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Friday, June 05, 2009 
11:13 PM 
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Tuesday, April 28, 2009 
 

Washington - Conservatives across the country brought forth their plans for immediate action to deal with the Swine Flu pandemic. Some notable examples:

Washington Republicans demanded the Obama administration do nothing, nothing at all chanting, "Government is always the problem not the solution. We don't need big government. We demand the government do nothing now, nothing tomorrow, nothing ever."

Rush Limbaugh demanded Obama's resignation stating, "We can see his policies have failed, now he's brought this upon us. See what socialism causes."

Michelle Bachman of Minnesota also demanded his resignation stating, "There's no evidence President Obama didn't cause the swine flu. I want to pass a bill making it illegal for President Obama to give Americans the swine flu."

Fox News demanded people form a spontaneous grass roots movement to help the rich with a tax cut. Glenn Beck cried and said he feared we'd all be turned into pigs by the swine flu. Fox news then created a nationwide day of "porking" to save the rich from the swine flu by "porking" the Democrats "Before they pork us." Said Bill O'reilly, "We need to get together and pork those fat cats in Washington, I've been waiting to pork a few Democrats for some time."

Pat Robertson demanded more Christian education be directed at pigs, stating, "Obviously these pigs have engaged in un Christian behavoir. We don't need 'medical science' with its Godless 'biology' and 'evolving' viruses. We don't need 'protection' from diseases. We need to teach these pigs to turn from their wicked wicked ways. From 'Babe' to 'Charlotte's Web' to 'The Muppet Show' it's obvious Hollywood has been promoting a pig lifestyle and God is punishing us."

Internationally, noted religious connservative Mahmoud Ahmedinejad of Iran commented, "It must be the Jews, Jews and pigs go together, everyone knows that."

2:41 AM 
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Saturday, April 11, 2009 
1:19 AM 
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