When it comes to love, the phrase "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" does not apply to pets.

yesterday, for the first time (i was utterly serious) i used the phrase...

"do the words 'all you can eat' mean nothing to you?"

I hate public displays of affection.
Like holding hands in public.
Not least because it doubles your chances of getting struck by lightening.
Advice: use protection - wear rubber.

(cue E.S.G's 'UFO' track*)

holly walsh's 1984**

1984, for me, was literally an orwellian nightmare.
my recollections of this year range from "nothing" to "next to nothing".
here are the facts:
1. i was kept under close surveillance.
2. in most photographs of me from this time (especially in public), i am wearing reins.
3. i am pretty sure my bedroom was bugged.

conclusion:
sometime during 1984, i was the victim of a secret government experiment.
i know this, because within three years, all my teeth had fallen out.

* for those of you who don't know it, it is very ominous, and sounds a bit sort of x-files.
** i am a massive fan of george orwell. i love 'animal farm' too (although, it has to be said, it's not as good as 'babe'***).
*** my next paper will be called 'the dick-king-smithian nightmare'.
**** 1984 is a brilliant book, although the ending (an 80s themed new years eve party) is a bit predictable.

this is a true story (it's not altogether unbelievable, so i don't really need to tell you that).

yesterday i was walking to the west end from my house in hackney (10,647 steps), and i got to this really pretty square in bloomsbury.
someone had just thrown some bread down, and a massive flock of pigeons had collected to peck at the food. i kept on walking (there were a big flock of them, and it would have taken ages to walk around - i say ages, probably another 17-20 steps).
i expected them to scatter, but instead they just ignored me and kept on eating the bread.
so i kind tried to gently shoo them away with my foot - as is normal in such a situation - only when i kicked out, i kind of clipped one of the pigeons on the head, and it fell over dead.

i feel so guilty.

but now, wherever i go, i can hear a low, but constant 'kkkkkrrrrreeeeeewwwwww' from a nearby pigeon.
two are sitting outside my window right now.
revenge is imminent.

I once received a written warning, which actually contained the phrase:

"You'll never work in this town (Guildford) again"

if you are ever on mastermind, don't do what i did and choose a difficult specialist subject. this is what happened to me:

magnus magnuson: "holly walsh. your specialist subject is 'questions that take at least two minutes to ask'.

your two minutes start... now"

i lost.