Where to start, where to start... Although Autumn 2008 left me unhealthy, unhappy, and full of uncertainty of the future, I'd have to say things have taken a dramatic turn in the other direction.
For those of you who did not know, I was having some difficulty last fall dealing with anxiety and panic disorder, which led to some depression... and of course, a nice side of gloom from Ohio weather proved a recipe for disaster. I dealt with it in my own way for as long as I could, but by November I ended up in the Hospital because I was too thin, unhealthy, and just too tired to carry this all by myself anymore. I cannot say that my family, friends and love of my life Andrew weren't there for me, but this was something beyond what anyone could do for me. I did what I thought was in my best interest at the time, and I don't regret my decision to get some help.
Thankfully, I recovered and by Christmas was pretty much back to my normal self, weight and all. I never knew how powerful the human mind is until I thought myself into the darkest place imaginable, just by being afraid to go there... that's where I kept taking myself. I also know, that going through something so treacherous I am stronger and wiser than I ever give myself credit for.
Three weeks after Christmas I was busy working, and spending time with Andrew and my family. I suppose there wasn't much else on my agenda because as usual, there was a snow storm about every other day... Yuck. Although I was glad to be on my way to recovery, I couldn't help but still not feel right. I was getting sick often, and couldn't figure out why... Because I was eating, sleeping and taking all the vitamins that my mom shoved at me everyday, ha.
Now, I knew I was eating quite a bit, which made sense because I had dropped to a boney 90 lbs. in November... I had a lot to make up for. The only strange thing about puting the weight back on (as I had done several times in my life) was that it was dispersing in new areas that it never had before. I noticed that my shirts were tighter and pants fit fine in the thigh, but above that there was some difficulty buttoning them.
I ignored it for a while, but when push came to shove--literally, with my clothes-- I decided to take the matter into my own hands. (Note: because of the weight loss and different medications I was taking, I hadn't had a period in several months.) I manned up... and then cried... and took a pregnancy text. Surprise of 2009... a big, fat +!
Although the news of a baby was difficult for me to swallow, the food definitely wasn't. I am up to a record weight (for me) of 125! I hate that my clothes don't fit, but I am really starting to embrace this new body of mine, and the fact that I am no longer just Christy... I am now a life-support system for the most wonderful, adorable little peanut of cells I have ever laid eyes on!
Andrew, my new fiance (as of February) couldn't be more supportive. He is so awesome... rubbing my back, Making me laugh, and of course making me feel pretty even though I'm starting to get that "whale" feeling (I know, it's early.. but I do!), and most definitely helping my put my shoes on when I feel like I can't bend over that day, haha. My family has been here every step of the way, and they are just as excited as us for this adventure, and for when the wonderful bundle arrives.
The baby is due in September, and as of Saturday (march 15) I was 3 months along... so we are 1/3 of the way there! Hopefully Monday (march 23) we will be able to find out the gender, as long as the bebe cooperates and is in the right position!
As for a wedding of sorts, we are waiting until after the babe arrives so we have a little more time to digest, in the mean time we will continue to live at home with our parents and save as much money as possible.
I have received so many congratulations and well wishes from all of you, and I totally appreciate it! It's so nice to have positive things happening in my life, I just could never get it all into words. Please keep us, and our baby in your prayers for a healthy, safe delivery.


On a side note, if anyone has any furniture, baby attire, or just anything they can spare.... we would greatly appreciate it! I'm on a mission =)

Where to start, where to start.

It seems that everyday I wake up and there is some new form of precipitation tapping on my window. No matter how it falls, how beautiful, or how unique, it all lands in the same unwanted, uninvited pile in my world.

I wonder why time in winter all runs together. Day and night is only determined by a clock, because either way it's dreary and frozen. The light of day seems only recognizable when you don't need that extra lamp. Some people are so looking forward to the spring and summer months. I am for the warmth, but not for many goodbye's I will be saying. I often times wish I could freeze time, but not be frozen.

I am slowly starting to realize that everyone I know, will someday soon--or one day in the future--be gone. Not necessarily in a morbid way, but rather they will be out of my physical reach. I have big dreams, but who's to guarantee that I will ever leave this unhappy, uninspiring place? To everyone who's getting out, thanks for the invite...

I miss my best friend. I close my eyes are recall laughing almost constantly... I swear I had the best abs ever. Driving around listening to music. Smoking behind our parents backs in high school. Talking on the phone contemplating life and everything in it until the sun came up. Being there for each other no matter what, no matter when. Dropping everything just to be there. The only reason I am looking forward to winter next year, is because she will be back at my side. Dynamic duo. It's true-o.

I can't seem to save a dollar to save my life. I work hard. I work often. I do a damn good job doing it... I am only surviving. I feel I will always have my debts to pay, I will always have my bad habit of spending what I don't have, and I will continue to wish for things, instead of possess them. I wish I could afford to keep buying unique things. I don't want to be like anybody.

My life is in a stagnant rut right now, which has put me in disarray. I feel like I can't focus on any one thing. Sometimes my eyes dart around, looking for an exit. I get paid to stand there and wait for a phone to ring, or some idiot to brave the cold weather to come and eat out, so I can show them to one of 50 vacant tables. Yes, my job is very important. I stand and make lists of things I wish I had time to accomplish, whether it be groceries I need to buy, books I need to read, CD's I want to burn, or chores I need to do. I never have time to enjoy my favorite things, such as bubble baths, watching my favorite televisions shows, and reading my favorite books so I can escape to a more perfect world for a few hours.

I want to open a window and let a warm breeze pass through my hair. Wear a sundress without goosebumps. Step outside and feel the grass against my bare skin. Take a deep breath and capture the earthy essence of spring. See small purple Crocus's and Tulips popping up in random corners of the yard. Feel the sun kiss my cheeks. I want to experience all of this, from behind the lens of my camera. At this point in time, the smell of dirt has never been sweeter.

I have been thinking lately about subtle reminders. Meaning, items, sounds, smells, and feelings that connect me with the past that I once lived. Today was one of those days. I heard a ringer on a cell phone that instantly made my stomach jump. I also smelled a fragrance on someone, and it brought a tear to my eye. And of course the ever-present reminders of when I was a small child. Why does this happen? Does it happen to everyone? I guess it is all a cycle. Everything in my life that matters right now, will one day have it's own subtle reminder. I guess all I can do is drink it in.

Today I heard from someone unexpected. Someone I spent a lot of time with. Someone I am sure I loved once. I have spent many days and nights away from them. I've seen six seasons change, and have made a million new memories to push them out. I have smiled, gone weeks without the very thought of them, changed in appearance, and found various forms of confidence where they left me lacking. I fought through the loneliness and came out on top. I have learned to love myself and my life, all on my own. But I must say, my heart jumped out of my throat today. Like I said before about subtle reminders...

Now, I must go find one of my lists, and get to crossing-off.

For some unknown reason, New Year's has never meant anything to me. It never seemed to serve much significance, and half of the time I never make it to midnight. I now realize that I must be one of the only people in the world not celebrating... and that may be why I never have a great year. As of late, I've been doing a lot of thinking about this and I've decided that this year must be celebrated... despite all of the hype.

So this has been quite a year... I've gone through many changes--inside and out-- and I have made some big decisions that I thought I'd never make.

It started last January 1st. It was cold and dreary, and I was still mourning my mid-september breakup. I was pale and skinny, and had no idea what this year had in store for me. I think I was the only Platinum blonde in ohio that January. On the 9th, my dear niece, Claribel Grace was born. It was by far the coolest thing I've ever witnessed, and I thought the year had a pretty good start. After that, I started my 9-week EKG Tech class at Owens to which I paid no attention. Untimately, I didn't get my certificate and didn't really care. There the feeling of non-accomplishment set in. What a crappy year, I thought. Maybe I'll go to school next semester?

Through the next few months that sense of well... being a loser... was becoming a big fat elephant in the room. Firstly, I couldn't get a date for the life of me. I tried changing the way I looked, what I wore... but ultimately realized the changes had to come from within. Was I ready to meet myself for the first time in a very long time? I had to try. So after much observation of my friends and their crappy relationships, I felt a little better and convinced myself that I was way better off alone. Secondly, my job at Biaggi's consisted of giving tables bread that no one in their right mind would put in their mouth if they saw what it went through before reaching their lips, and then cleaning up the shitty messes they left. It was going on my third year there, doing the same things, and getting paid the same (which was NEVER enough). I was about to scream. I might go to school next semester...

To sum up the spring months, I worked too many hours, drove a '96 Honda with 200,000 miles on it--ready to explode at any moment, dyed my hair a million different colors, spent too much money I didn't have on clothes I never wear (to make me feel better of course), I neglected to feed the bony frame that these clothes hanged on, and I seemed to forget what my friends faces looked like. Should I go to school next semester?

Summer came out of nowhere, I didn't even remember what I had done since my February birthday (which I didn't celebrate). It was then brought to my attention that we were moving. What? Leave the house I grew up in? I think not. But move, we did. I packed up my colorful junk and baskets of clothes, and hauled it back and forth for 2 day straight. I never realize how many trinkets and memories I held onto... until I ran out of boxes and had to start throwing the better parts of my life (I thought) in the trash. With the change, I had another identity crisis and dyed my hair dark. I need to go back to school.

By autumn, I had bought a new car (Honda Accord 2007), quit my job, cut off all my hair, gained ten necessary pounds, and started a much-needed new chapter in my life. I immediately started a job at LaScola... yes, another Italian restaurant. It still feels like I'm on vacation from Biaggi's. It's nice doing most of the same things, but getting praise and compliments daily. I don't even have to give much thought to my attire, as long as it's some form of black. Anyway... I met several special people, made tons of new friends, realized how important the old ones are, and I spread my wings for once. But I'll never go back to school.

Winter started with me being somewhat optimistic for once. I figured out more of who I am and what I want out of life. I got back into my art (pictures, writing, drawing) all thanks to some good friends. I was ready for the holidays so I could spend time with my family and give them some great Christmas presents. I ended up receiving more than I had anticipated, which was a pleasant surprise. I want to go back to school!

2007, although somewhat lonely, turned out to be a very important year in my life. I have survived my year of being single, I have gained an immense amount of knowledge, and I have had a pretty good time, to say the least. The changes I have gone through this year are all stepping stones towards a positive future... I have to believe that. And I HAVE TO go back to school.

2008... bring it on!

We live in very lazy times. Everything is made easy... or at least easier than it used to be. For example, cellular phones are replacing landlines or payphones, remote controls have replaced getting up and pushing the button on the television, remote car-starters have kept many more people in bed longer during the cold months, and iPods now have all of your favorite music at your fingertips, instead of you having to shuffle through a CD case to find what you're looking for. Although these things are great, and make for a happy consumer, what is happening to us as humans? We are used to having things on demand, having things done for us, and people telling us the right answers. I am one to question much about life, and who is making these decisions for us. Here are some things I've been inquiring as of late.

Who said I have to blow my hard-earned money on something that is "in the now" and may do an average task "quick as lightning"? Would I stand in line outside of Best Buy for an hour in the cold at 5am, and see people fighting over STUFF. I don't know, maybe I enjoy doing things the old fashioned way. I mean, just a few years ago some of the things that are "on the out" were brand new to me, and pretty freaking cool in my eyes.

Also, who said it was okay to put everyone on medication? From the time one is a few hours old, they are pumped with drugs to keep them away from "harm". Don't you think that the fact that these "vaccinations" giving you a so-called immunity actually give you the disease/bug you maybe never would have contracted in the first place. Not to mention that they are full of animal by-products that you'd never be exposed to, just so they can stay "preserved" in a medical lab, waiting for the next sucker to inject. This process happens several times throughout a persons life... and nobody seems to think that they don't really need to have this done. Do people even know what is going into their bodies? I guess not. They're just scared of the aftermath if they refuse the shots. Why are we treated as a sickly society anyway? So maybe you can't concentrate very well, big deal. Its probably because you sat in front of the TV your whole childhood... but just in case, you should get on Ritalin.

I recently started myself on a new diet and exercise regimen. Shocking I know. Every time I mention it, people feel the need to point out the facts that I don't need to lose weight, I am "perfect" just the way I am, and that my diet better consist of 100% fat. First of all, everyone should be on a good diet/exercise plan, not just us skinny folk.

Recently there was a comic skit that I heard that I found fitting for this discussion. He, like me, was also talking about the laziness of society. He told of being in a mall and he saw a stopped elevator that said "Escalator temporarily out of order". He went on to joke about how the sign should have said "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for your Convenience". He hit the nail on the head of how everyone seems to view life. it's all in perspective. Don't rely on the thought that "if I get too overweight, I'll just get liposuction or gastric-bypass surgery. That is like... the worst thought process ever. I don't know about you, but those thoughts would never help me feel guilt free, and sleep better at night.

See, our society is getting fatter all of the time. That is due to several factors, one being the digital age, as I have previously mentioned, that makes things so easy for us... we can do just about anything (excluding bathing ourselves and going potty) without getting up. A sad worry that I have though is the fact that everyone looks to super skinny models/actresses/musicians not only for inspiration, but also for an image/style to mimic. These people have personal trainers, and probably people they pay to slap their hands whenever they reach for a calorie... us poor middle-class fold don't have that luxury. Unfortunately, if it's not in your genes to be a rail, then odds are you won't be. Don't hurt yourself with starvation to be thin. Also, don't eat your sorrows because you can't be thin. Both are very unhealthy routes. And gross for the rest of society to witness.

Another factor affecting our society's weight issues, is that people originally didn't have the luxury of grocery stores and fast food restaurants... or any restaurants. They were hunters and gatherers. They lived on farms and worked from sun up to sun down. They needed all of the energy they could to get these tasks done before it was dark. They cooked their own food, and cleaned up their own messes. They also worked their ass's off to get enough to save for a long, cold winter so they didn't freeze and/or starve to death. Needless to say, these people were fit, and no doubt "ripped". Us on the other hand, when we're hungry we open the fridge and have an array of food at our disposal. Not only your meat and potatoes, but also several different nationalities that offer delicious foods. Otherwise, we'll drive to the nearest piece of crap drive-thru that offers some tasty mystery meat burgers, and greasy french fries. Some of these foods were never truly meant for our bodies to ingest... or try to digest. That could be a factor that is making our bodies store certain fats, instead of burn them as fuel. Also people are fucking lazy. They need to exercise... regularly.

After reading this, maybe do a few jumping jacks to remind yourself that you still care about your good 'ol bodies. it is, after all, keeping your alive. You owe it that much... right? And just because I'm skinny doesn't mean I have to wait until I'm fat to get the hint that exercising and eating well weren't such a bad idea after all. Oh yeah, and don't give thin people shit about being skinny. We don't talk shit about you being fat do we? Ok, so maybe we do.

Relationships are not my friend. I have been in a few, and after many bouts of unhappiness, trials, and errors... I have decided that something which makes most people crazy, starry-eyed and love struck, makes me tired just thinking about it.

I have found crappy relationships to be like second jobs. Seconds jobs on 3rd shift. You don't really want to go in, but you don't have a choice... and the last thing you want to do is call off. It's more work to call off than to just go in and put yourself on auto-pilot. That's what my previous relationship was, in a nut shell. Going through the motions, even though we both knew our separation was long overdue. When it did end however, I was the one who took the "burden of the breakup". I'm not sure why... I guess it was the shock of not having someone there. I kept someone at my side for 6 years straight. So, you know, the not eating, nor sleeping, that "I'd rather die" feeling... crying myself to sleep, swearing myself against love and everything that comes with it. Why is it that people do this? For we all know, that eventually, we're going to want it all over again. I hate to use the words 'human nature' when it comes to these relationships, because I don't believe that in the past people really had to go through hoops like this.

I often think I was born into the wrong era. Doesn't it make more sense the way people used to meet, and start their lives together? Whether it was on the prairie and they used to play together as kids, and as it were, they ended up together. Or maybe it was back a little farther where it was assumed from their birth that they would marry. People think the thought of an arranged marriage is ludacris, but to me, it sounds easy. Easy in a sense that you don't have to go meet Joe Guy and play the "friend" games, and then the "I'm not sure how they about me" games... and finally the "relationship" games. Fighting, arguing, being indecisive, jealousy, and so on. Are things like kissing, holding hands, having your stomach in knots, being in 'love', and being attached at the hip things that we all should be craving? It sounds more like an invitation to lose yourself.

When I was younger, I always felt the need to be in a relationship... and of course I
only knew of bad ones (I didn't know the difference). I had no trouble getting guys to like me. I was cute enough, and I always had the boys laughing. They seemed to like that. Anyway, nobody ever taught me about this stuff, and I didn't really know what I was doing. I would get sucked into someone else's life. I liked what he liked, I did what he wanted to do, and I didn't have a single thought of my own. I would drop plans, and put everyone and everything on the back-burner for them. When it would end, the next would go the same way. I would be a 'clean slate' ready to absorb as much of him as I could. I was too wimpy to bring more of ME into the relationship.

Prior to dating those guys, I was just a kid... a teenager. I liked to climb trees, help my mom cook dinner, play with my animals, run around and lay there and just love the earth and the sky. How do people take over and make themselves your world? Strip you of every ounce of originality, and you are the female version of them, and forced into submission? Is it their fault, or your own? Maybe I just had blinders on. If you ever start to revert, and do something 'new'... you were betraying, or changing the relationship. Is it possible to have a relationship where you don't have to be together to know how the other feels? One where you have time to be yourself, and persue the things that you love, other than that one person? I believe in this very much, but have yet to try it out.

I feel so aged when I think of all I've been through... and I'm still so young. People try to be comforting and say "don't worry, this is going to happen a lot. It happens to everybody"... 'a lot'?! Everybody? Nobody should be going through it. And definitely not more than once. I don't think I could ever go through it again. I consider myself to be a pretty, smart, funny, and somewhat original individual... but when I think of putting myself through that craziness again, I better think twice. I don't know why people that seemed so appealing at one point can be so nonappealing later on. Why did you instantly think they were the one? Because odds are, by the end, you are kicking yourself.

I often pray for the right guy to land right in my hands, and make this easy on myself. But I now realize that there is work to be done... work that I'm not looking forward to doing. I made a list several years ago of the qualities I am looking in my future husband. Now, the first guy I dated met several of my qualifications, but none of the big ones that were towards the beginning. The second guy had very few, and for some reason I went for it anyway. I felt so weary about my decision, that I went back and added a few things at the bottom of the list that he possessed... just to ease to guilt.

Don't get me wrong, I have a huge heart, and I love to love people. I'm the one who makes it a point to be there for everyone. All the time. That's my weakness.. and I'm starting to think that that's why I date these 'projects'. They're losers that I will never be able to help or change. Unfortunately, I've had my love taken for granted, spread around, stabbed, denied, and thrown back into my face... ultimately, I still want to get married and have a family. A family of my own seems like the ultimate adventure, and I'm all about adventures.

Maybe I'm too traditional in my ways of thinking, because I just assumed that by now I would be happy with someone and getting close to planning my future. As it is, I am not even close to that. After my one year of dormancy that I promised to myself, I am trying to get myself back in action. That year was definitely what I needed, despite the loneliness I fought through. I have truly found myself, and a load of strength to go along with it. I find more little pieces every day. I've had help from some good friends, and from close family. I like who I am, and pretty soon, after several hit-n-miss gents that come my way, someone is going to recognize themselves in me.

So after bashing relationships, and blatently showing why they suck so bad... I'm still open to one coming my way. Haha. But of course, this time I will be met halfway. I'm not losing myself again... And don't think for a minute that by now I am not smart enough to see right through you.

As I grow older (and wiser of course), I realize that people-especially older adults-aren't as old and wise and "hard to understand" as I once thought as a young girl. They are actually just the opposite. They are totally predictable, and actually most aren't very interesting at all. I'm not puting down everyone in this category, just the majority that I deal with on a daily basis.

Whether it be the working stiff's who don't have the talent or the time to cook their own meals, or just the rich-bitch type that likes to be seen out places spending money--they have made it evident that harassing me at my hostess podium will be a definite part of their day.

Yes, I went from working 50-60 hour weeks getting very little pay, wearing hideous stinky clothes, to working in a classy, elite restaurant that pays better. Not to mention I get to wear whatever I want as long as I am classy myself, and they never yell at me about coming in an hour early here, and leaving a few hours later there--all to make up for lost hours of course. Sounds pretty great right? Well, it is---for the most part.

My previous job consisted less of customer service, and more of running my ass off and cleaning stuff quick as lightning, and having a good time while doing it. This new job is different in the fact that I have to stand in one place at all times, be very robotic, and of course get yelled at by customers. I also have to watch specific things I do and say, in order not to be seen as a racist, or show signs of favoritism. I have to make sure things are in order and we are prepared for their arrival. Through trial and error, I have learned that basically people are rude, nosy, rather immature, and downright unoriginal.

Let's shed some light on that. Say Joe Schmoe comes in and wants to eat on a saturday night. Joe has 6 people in his party. Joe is without reservation. I tell Joe it will be at least an hour before we can get him seated, but we'll do our best. I inform him that we do take reservations (for future reference), give him a card and to-go menu, and send him to the lounge. Joe Schmoe gives me the look of death, and proceeds to sit down. Meanwhile, 25 more Bloke's and Sheila's are in line awaiting the same fate as all of the other non-reservationists. They think that because there are two of them, they have a better shot, but sorry, it'll still be an hour.

This process continues well into the night. Meanwhile, I get frusterated by constant bombardment from angry customers, phone calls that are too quiet where I can't hear a word, nosy servers with need-to-know attitudes and constant stealing of my lighters, and of course managers who have a lack of communication.

I am approached "ma'am how are we looking for Schmoe on the list?" All the while Joe is no-holds-bard leaning over me looking at his name, seeing that I wrote "fat, bald, checkered shirt" next to his name and wait time. Now he is angry, and I am embarassed. But the phone is still ringing, and people are still coming through the door, so I have to apologize, give him a fake "just a few more minutes while we get things cleaned up", and keep on going with a smile that only a stranger could believe.

Finally tables are turning, I'm getting people seated, although due to colder weather most of my descriptions are looking the same. Everyone is in fact wearing a black jacket. Now I must pay more attention to detail, or at least fabric material. It's hard to act professional and look someone in the eye to get their name and tell them how long it will be, all the while glancing down at Johnny Appleseed's pants for something original, while he grins at me thinking something else. Ugh.

Eventually I get through the night, get things cleaned up and in order, and I am ready to send my other girls home. Of course, I have to stick around to thank people for coming in and flash them a smile. This is where the night gets most interesting.

As I stand at my podium freezing cold from the doors constantly being opened, feet aching, fingers covered in dry-erase marker, people start getting a little shifty than they were prior to their meals. They're all in good moods (at least most are), they're full, maybe even a little drunk, they've "forgiven" me for making them wait, and now they're ready to chit-chat.

Don Juan comes up to me and says "hey these are some pretty nice pictures. Are you in any?" I shake my head no. He proceeds to tell me that he's in a few, but they're out in the lobby, and he wants to show me. I go along, and he gets into stories about his family and friends from when he was younger. All the while, Mr. Juan has his arm around me and he's talking very close to my face. I'm uncomfortable, but keep on smiling because I don't want to upset him, or make him feel as though I'm not paying attention to his ramblings. In truth, I wasn't listening at all but was trying to figure out what he ordered for dinner that gave him such horrendous breath. Thankfully my phone rang and saved the day. Awkward moment averted.

Later on another man who had been at the bar all night appraoched me. I will call him The Godfather. TG for short. TG came up to me and said "Have you ever seen There's Something About Mary?"... I said "Yes, I know of it" (in my head I was adding another tally mark to the list of Cameron comments for the day). He looked at me with a creepy grin and said "Do I have anything on my ear?"... I was about to throw up on the spot. Flipping through my memory to There's something About Mary, I realized that TG was referring to the...uhm "man-juice" is what I will call it...that was hanging from Ben Stiler's ear that I, Cameron Diaz, used as hair gel. I proceeded to tell TG, no he didn't have anything hanging from his ear. He got closer with his ever-present creepy grin still glued to his face and said "you do know what I'm referring to, right?". I nodded. What else was I to do? I didn't even want to open my mouth to speak, in fear that I was going to puke on him, or insult him. I was avoiding both.

So... busy, unorganized, hectic day, turned silly, then creepy basically reconfirms my thoughts on older adults. They're mean, somewhat perverted, and cannot hold their liquor... oh yea, and they're downright entertaining.

I read this almost everyday... it was quite a comfort through dark and dreary times...

1. QUIT WORRYING:
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way? 

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY
to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care
of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to Me. And although My to-do-list is long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize. 

3.TRUST ME:
Once you've given your burdens to Me,
quit trying to take them back. Trust in
Me. Have the faith that I will take care of
all your needs, your problems and your trials.
Problems with the kids? Put them on My list.
Problem with finances? Put it on My list.
Problems with your emotional roller coaster?
For My sake, put it on My list. I want to
help you. All you have to do is ask. 

4. LEAVE IT ALONE:
Don't wake up one morning and say,
"Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think
you are feeling stronger now? It's simple.
You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking
care of them. I also renew your strength
and cover you in my peace. Don't you
know that if I give you these problems back,
you will be right back where you started?
Leave them with Me and forget about
them. Just let Me do my job. 

5. TALK TO ME:
I want you to forget a lot of things.
Forget what was making you crazy.
Forget the worry and the fretting because
you know I'm in control. But there's one
thing I pray you never forget.
Please, don't forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend. 

6. HAVE FAITH:
I see a lot of things from up here that you
can't see from where you are. Have faith in
Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me;
you wouldn't want the view from My eyes.
I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How har! d can trust be? 

7. SHARE:
You were taught to share when you were
only two years old. When did you forget?
That rule still applies.
Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith
with those who have none. 

8. BE PATIENT:
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime
you could have so many diverse experiences.
You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle. 
something on My to-do-list? Trust in My
timing, for My timing is perfect. Just
because I created the entire universe in
only six days, everyone thinks I should
always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND:
Be kind to others, for I love them just
as much as I love you. They may not dress
like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences. 

10. LOVE YOURSELF:
As much as I love you, how can you not
love yourself? You were created by me for
one reason only -- to be loved, and to love
in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me.
Love your neighbors. But also love yourself.
It makes My heart ache when I see you
so angry with yourself when things go
wrong. You are very precious to me.
Don't ever forget...... 

Note: I received this from a friend and I have no idea who wrote it, but I was so touched by it, that I had to share it with you. I hope that you will be blessed by
it and will share it with others. 

Touch someone with your love.
Rather than focus upon the thorns of life,
smell the roses and count your blessings!

I was pondering on my life and all of the changes that I've gone through lately... especially the last few months. I've come to realize how truly blessed and guided my road of life has been thus far, because some many doors and opportunities have presented themselves. If I were in a different time and place, I would have missed out on some pretty awesome things. It just goes to show me that change isn't always a bad thing, but possibly a blessing disguised by some pain or sorrow. I am learning to be more open and honest, and of course optimistic. It was due time to let go of so much bologna that I secretly keep hidden and tucked away. Pains and fears, and memories... they can just blow away on the breeze.I often questioned God on why certain things happened or turned sour, but I know he has his reasons. It's actually nice to let go and let Him handle the big things... I understand why my life is where it is, and I am eager to see what else will happen. He has given me so many gifts, and tools to help me through every situation, I'm greatful.

I am starting to view life through a new perspective. Fate isn't always about bringing great things into your life, it also takes part in taking away bad things that you are blinded by. You think it's right, and that it adds to your life in some way, but sometimes it's time to cut the ties and reform yourself. God's timing is perfect. I have never spent so much time by myself and just really got to know myself, than I have the last few months. I must say, I should have done this years ago. I am a firm believer in miracles... but just never thought I'd recieve one. Time really does heal all wounds... and at the end of the day, I can say I'm a better person for forcing myself to face the past and rebuild myself into who I am now... it's quite lovely, try it sometime.

I am so happy to be back to myself, in the swing of things and working towards my future. I am growing closer to the family that I hardly ever saw, due to flitting around and never being home. I have become so much closer to the best friends that I seemed to have put on the back burner... and I don't even remember why.

My brother is going to visit home soon after a 2-year journey to find himself and heal his own wounds, my beautiful sister is about to bear my first biological niece or nephew, and I am waiting impatently on my boards results and hopefully will get a job at the Toledo Hospital...I must say, life is beautiful, and God is good!

Thanks for reading my rant  =)

Almost every single thing in life changes, at least at one point or another. Sometimes good, sometimes bad... but we learn to cope. Recently, I've been extremely stressed out with school. I sit there and think "why am I doing this again? Why am I here? Why am I paying for this, for God's sake!". But in the end, I am always reminded of how bright my future is going to be, and I relax a bit.

When I look back on the teenage years of my life I realized that when you think your life is "set and will never change", suck it up, because it will. In my case, change has been disguised in many blessings. For example, Andrew. He came along and the most unexpected time, and I had no idea what God had in store for me, but he lifted me up out of my sorrows, and filled my entire life with joy. I didn't even know that was possible.

I've come to realize that love is pretty damn awesome. Think about it... Love is unexplainable and impossible to contain. It is the biggest thing in exixtance, because you can't even describe it in words or actions. Everyone wants it. Everyone has the power to create it. Everyone wants to recieve it. It can save lives. It can end. it can be deceitful. It can destroy. It creates. It confuses, lies, pretends, cheats, disguises. It has infinity levels and ways to express itself. It's different for everyone. It's what we as humans were initially stemmed from. Pretty awesome!

I'm not sure when the next change will come, but I am prepared and excited to see where life takes me.