"A new blog" says I. "Says you?" says he. "Says I" says I. "Say Say Say by Michael Jackson and Sir Paul McCartney?" Says he. "Says no, says no." says I. I says no....says...........he.

HELLO! You are my friend. You may not know this but in opening this blog you have hearby become my friend. My best friend in actual fact. Well done. Have a button! Anyway. I'm taking a short break in writing blogs about people I like and am instead just....writing a blog about....blogs. It's occurred to me I've not written a blog blog for some time so I shall. Here we go.

It's been busy busy busy. Well...it's not really. Although I went to West Wales the other day on a job. Was fab fun. Spent the day with the weirdest man in exisantce. Goes by the name of Glyn Macey. Know him? Shame. You'd like him. Well..I don't know that for sure but I imagine you would. I'll give you a few snippets that kept me entertained!

Me, Glyn and Lee are sitting in the lorry. We stop off at a service station and turns to us before he gets out.

Glyn: Do you boys want a drink or a bite to eat?

Lee: Yeah I'll have a Powerade and a mars bar, cheers Glyn.

Glyn: Powerade and a mars bar. Can do! How about you James?

James: Na I'm alright cheers.

Glyn's cheerful face drops.

Glyn: You don't want anything?!

James: Na I'm fine.

Glyn: (horrified) Not even a Mars Bar?

James: No honestly. I'm fine.

Glyn: (angrily) Right fuck it. I'm getting you a Mars Bar don't care what you say. Need to put some fucking meat on you you skinny little TWAT!

After I've eaten Glyn looks and me and says "Now wasn't that the most delicious thing?" Seriously how I refrained from laughing I'll never know. Although I couldn't refrain from laughing at this moment. We stuck in traffic coming back into Newport. Then all of a sudden Glyn lets out an almighty, horrified "FUCK!!!" Me and Lee both look at him worried. I think we've forgotten something back at St Clears. Or perhaps Glyn had a bomb on the back of the lorry he forgot to disarm before we left. We both let out a concerned "what?!" he slowly turns to us and says in a deeply hurtened and disheartened voice "I missed Neighbours!" He was being deadly serious. I didn't mind laughing in his face at that moment. Don't think he saw the funny side though. But I love Glyn. Working with him in Abergavenny tomorrow. Cannot wait! What an oddball.

Anyway. In other news I've decided something. 'What have you decided James?' I hear you whisper curiously. Well I shall tell you. On saturday I found an old audition speech book Anna stole from the library while she was in Australia (shame on her) and it bought back memories of my days as a drama school auditionee. Well....my day....morning. My morning as a drama school auditionee. And after I got past all the cringing memories I thought "I reckon if I did it now I'd be more prepared and perhaps even get in!" That is where my train of thought ended. I am very slow. Then the next night I was looking on the interweb and I found some drama school websites in Cardiff. Then it struck me! If I auditioned for some drama schools for next year then I could work this year to save up for it and next year I could just live in me flat and go there. Perhaps get a bar job or something. This train of thought got me terribly excited and it made me think....why the fuck didn't I think of this before?! I think deep down it's been in the back of my head but...I'm so, so dense! So yeah. Auditions start in December so I'm gonna start applying. Need to do something. I really do want to make a living out of acting. I'm not much good at anything else. Well...I'm quite good at humming. So if all this goes pear shaped I shall be hum buskering on a street near you!

But anyway. Not much other news really. Had a long run of visitors which has now ended. Mike, Tina, Jenny and her mate. Not all at the same time I hasten to add. I only have a little hovel. But when Mike came down it was hilarious. One of the funniest couple of days I've had in a long, long time. A lasting memory in my head is sitting on a bench outside the C.I.A while watching two hoodlums, who we dubbed 'the Cardiff Chuckles', creating mindless destruction with a road barrier. God bless them! And also seeing a girl propped up against Habitat having a piss. We actually nearly died laughing. Was hilarious. I now cannot walk through Cardiff without remembering something stupid me and Mike did. Roll on next time I say.

Can I ask, does anyone else watch the IT crowd? Because I think it's one of the funniest things that's been on telly in ages! And no one I know watches it! It's shocking. I suggest you have a look. Channel 4, Friday, 10pm. Very funny. It's by one of the writers of Father Ted, Black Books and other such things. But anyhoo...

I shall close there. Just wanted to briefly touch base. I shall continue writing my Personples blogs as I enjoy doing them and there are no shortage of people I could write about. In fact, if you care, you could suggest someone for me to write about. Although actually I'd probably just ignore it so maybe...don't. Anyway. Hope you're well. If ya want to chat then do at some stage. I miss my Maldoners so!

Take it easy

UmPPO 

"Hang on......" one might say if one was observant. "We've already had a personples 3. That strange video which was really over long and had nothing interesting to say. Where's that gone?! I miss it!" Well dear blogger I shall tell you. It was wank. We shall do another one one of these days but Jenny wasn't in her usual chirpy mood that day. Bless her. And plus she didn't even come back drunk! I was appalled. But anyway I decided to scrap it as...well I have bigger fish to fry. The subject of this blog being the fishiest of all these fish. So buckle up and take off your shoes and socks. You're about to meet (in a blogged up form) the wonder that is....Uncle Will!

Now you may be forgiven for thinking Uncle Will is a forgotten character from folklore. Like the Bogeyman or...Crocodile Dundee. But no, he is but a man. I remember thinking this when I was little. My first memory of my uncle was him coming down to visit us in Cardiff. I'd never seen anyone like him! He wore a hat with a big rim. A vest. Loads of tattoos all over his arms and legs. Shorts and bare feet!! This was in October!!! Well I think it was anyway. I know he was down for my birthday one year. Which is when I got the best present off him. Because I remember my mum telling me that Will doesn't give presents so I shouldn't expect one. "Ok" I sniffed with a tear rolling down my cheek. Then all of a sudden Will burst in! My face lit up. He was brandishing a small package wrapped up in newspaper. "Here you are!" he said with a voice like a didgeridoo. My face lit up....again! I opened it and inside there was a Batman writing set. BATMAN! Now granted it wasn't the most flashiest of gifts but at the time I was so chuffed you wouldn't believe. I cast aside my new diamond encrusted staff, threw my new horse in the dustbin and set about writing the best damn Batman story I'd ever written....well the only...damn Batman story. But still! And even to this day I like to wrap up presents in newspaper. Well...now actually I've discovered those bags that presents just slide into...and that's lazier. But it really was different. He was different. An odd man I could call my uncle! Huzzah. Although I have since discovered there are several odd men I can call my uncle. In fact it'd be more difficult finding one uncle who wasn't odd. But still Will (hehe. Still Will!) was the most obviously odd. So anyway let's delve into some of the background of just William.

Just William was written by Richmal Crompton and was first published in 1922...oh aren't I just hilarious! But anyway. John William Kemp was born on 1st May 1958. His parents were John and Monica....and still are. Check the birth certificate! He was a bit of a tearaway or so I'm lead to believe. He led my poor innocent mother astray by introducing her to cigarettes at the age of 5 or 6. And she's never successfully weaned herself off since. From what my mother's told me him and their brother Richard were not the best of people to be growing up with. Richard was in the middle of the two....actually, ok it goes Will, Richard, mum and Rob. There ya go. Less confused? Good. Anyway...they were brutes apparently and used to get her to do all their dirty work. Like stealing, robbing and just general thievery. Bless her. Then Will left school and went on to live in London. He worked for...some kind of paper or....something. Then he decided "I've had enough of this!" and went to live in Australia. It was here he lost his cheeky chappy, cockney accent that he accquired living in London (surely I'm allowed to add my own bits?) and he lived in Oz for a good many years. And this is near enough where I met the man. After about 10 years of living in the outback or all over Australia. And it's strange because from when I was little he was this strange person who came in and out for short periods and never heard from him inbetween time and he did actually feel like some kind of...bogeyman. Well that and also he liked to spit a lot so he gained the name that way aswell.

Now it wasn't until many years later that I got to know him a bit better. He came down for a couple of months in 2002 and I was a bit older then. He seemed more like a normal man than before and some of the magic of this fleeting character had gone. But nonetheless I was glad to get to know him and then he went back and then in 2004 he returned to Maldon and stayed for nearly a year! This was unheard of and surely wasn't the same mythical creature who gave me that Batman writing set. But again I got to know him better as Will. Not just Uncle Will. Although having said that I still don't feel I know him all that will....I mean well!  But it's getting there.

So there you have it. A portrait of my Uncle. Who actually had an important place in my childhood for feeding this weird imagination of mine. And I've always thought if I ever get to play the Doctor on Doctor Who...pah what am I talking about....when I play the Doctor on Doctor Who I think I'm gonna loosely base the portrayal on Will. Because of the flighty nature of the character. Always moving on. I think one day perhaps he will settle down. And as soon as he does I shall pull up a chair next to his and natter so much off he'll fly again. So here's to Uncle Will. My bogeyman!

I have stayed true to my word. "What word is that?" I hear you wail. Well I shall tell you. I've decided to write blogs about people I like. This is the first one....as you may have gathered. I shall be reviewing my relationships with a few people just for a laugh. So if you pop up...just smile, nod and move on with your life. Anyway...on with the blog...says I.

I decided to start with a young fellow named Michael Sinclair. Because...well he's one of my best friends. Not only this but he is one of the funniest human beings I have ever come across. That isn't even an exaggeration! I've always said about Mike I could spend 5 minutes with him and I'd spend 4 and a half minutes laughing. And it's true. He makes my stomach ache. But anyway...let's start at the humble beginnings of our friendship. I shall take you on a trip back to 1995 in my time machine...that resembles Chitty Chitty Bang Bang! Here we go...

Wow. That was fast! Makes your head spin doesn't it? Anyway here we are. All Saints Infant school. It's nearly the summer holidays. In september me and my fellow classmates shall be headed up to the junior school. Scary stuff. And on this day (umm...some date or other) we are heading over to meet our new teacher (just so happens my new teacher was the same as my old teacher...either there were two Mrs Hansons or I was done up like a kipper!). Just as we were about to go Mrs Hanson called me over. "Jaaaames!" she called. So over I went and low and behold what should I see? A new boy. New boy! It'd been this time last year I was the New boy. This scallywag was gonna take my title. So naturally I was a bit wary. "Now James I want you to look after Michael when we go up to the juniors. He's gonna be starting next year and you can show him around and help him settle in." Hmm...not happy about this arrangement. Not happy one bit. I had trouble looking after myself, let alone a...a....new boy *say it with scorn, sounds fab!*.

So anyway off we trotted to the juniors. He didn't talk much really. But then neither did I. And our first day went on like that. I do remember he drew a really shite picture. In those days you could judge a person by how well he could draw. Although I had no room to talk because I was shit at drawing too but still. And plus he's fantastic at drawing now!! Check out my portrait in my pictures. Anyway it was the next year we became friends. At the beginning of year 3 Mike and me went our seperate ways and Mike became mates with Alex Kendall. Then one day Alex asked me if I wanted to play cars with him and Mike in the dirt. You know those little toy ones. And I said ok then I thought I'd go and discuss it with Mike. "So...what kind of car shall I bring in?" I enquired. "Ah....well anything goes really mate!" I found this hilarious because he sounded like an adult! I have to point out that Mike had such a mature sense of humour for his age. I don't think I really did but I have to say I was (and still am really) in total awe of him. So we played cars then eventually both ditched Alex Kendall. We would just chat and have a laugh. And I remember one time he made me laugh in church. Because All Saints is a christian school (is it really?!) we had to go to church services and the like and I remember one time we were sat right at the front while the priest was talking and Mike slowly leaned over to me and pointed to this carved wooden alter border thing (technical!) and he whispered in a loud whisper "Those are the spikey thorns where God was blessed!" I actually nearly exploded and got scowled at by several teachers. It still makes me laugh! It's the way he said it as if he knew what he was talking about. I swear whenever I'm feeling down if I just think of that it takes me right back there and cheers me up!

It was shortly after this we went our seperate ways...well....he fucked off anyway. Back to Wentworth and that was that. Didn't see him again until we went to the Plume. It was a bit awkward at first and we kinda only started hanging around with each other again through other people but quite soon it was business as usual. Arsing about and being idiots once more. Only this time alcohol became involved. I still remember the first time I got pissed. I was 14 years old and me and Mike went to this gig. Beforehand we went to Safeway and bought 2 3 ltr bottles of cider, a 4 pack of guinness, a bottle of smirnoff ice and some tinnies of some description. I couldn't believe they served me!  Was proud I was. But anyway off we went and basically nearly polished the lot off. Mike chucked up and I was just being an unhelpful idiot. His girlfriend Charlotte helped him downstairs and rang his dad up and it was just me and him sat together and I remember this so clearly. I just said to him "You're not gonna throw up again are ya Mike?" and he was just slouched on the steps and slowly turned to me and said "Mustn't!" For any normal people that'd be the beginning of the end but that was the start of our drunken evenings. One of which involved us sitting in a field in Tollesbury and downing a 3ltr bottle of cider each within 20 minutes. Wild times.

By the time we reached 15 or 16 we decided it was time to slow down. We were getting on a bit and it was time to reflect. So every saturday night we'd have a cuppa tea and a chat down at Small Frys. And this was how we entertained ourselves. Bumping into idiots, getting a kebab and just wandering around Maldon. Then we'd go back to his and wind people up on MSN and take stupid pictures. This might sound odd but the truth of it is it's some of the best times I can recall ever having. It became clear that as long as we were together it didn't matter what we did, it was a fucking laugh!

When we left school we carried on the Small Fry nights tradition for a while but eventually it fizzled out. Then Mike met his new girlfriend Alana and although we'd all do stuff together and it was still a laugh we kinda lost a bit of the idiocy. But even so the fact remained that no matter what the circumstances were we'd still have a laugh. And also even when we didn't see each other the stupid texts would come. Guaranteed at the very least one a week. And that's been kept up for ages. Even to this day. It's mad because I'm so shite at keeping contact with people but with Mike it's always there. And even if we have a bit of a bust up it still happens. We must be the only two people in the world who in the middle of a row will still send stupid texts to each other. It's such an odd friendship, it really is.

The final act really came when we didn't see each other for about 9 months. And toward the end of that 9 months I told him I was moving down to Wales. It was then that we decided that enough was enough and we're meeting up for a day at the pub to get totally wankered! So Good Friday came along and I swear it was like the first game of cars we played together. Just the original laughs came rolling. And that whole Easter weekend we just went out and got battered. It was hilarious.

I say that was the final act but...it really wasn't. Isn't I mean. Because he's coming down to Newport next week. Staying in the flat with me for 5 days. And I have a spooky feeling that the best is yet to come. The Tideey Boys are Back in Town!

Hello friends. Oh boy, do I have a treat in store for you? Well kinda....define treat!  This my friends is a scene from one of the many sitcoms I've been writing. I found it in an old notebook and I must have wrote it just under a year ago when I was working at Plexus. Well...I say working.... But anyway yeah I thought I'd post it as a blog just to test the water. To be quite frank I haven't really done much with this idea since I wrote this as I've been mainly writing another two I'm working on. But I thought if this gets a positive reaction I may carry on and see where it goes. Well...I'll probably do that whatever the reaction but it'd be nice to see what people think.

So yes. Be brutally honest! If you think it's the wankiest piece of shite, tell me. If you think it's funny in bits but on the whole bit rubbish, tell me. If you think it's the most hilarious thing you've ever read and are ever likely to read then you obviously have very good taste and will you marry me? So anyway bear in mind this is a first draft and I've not written any script before or after this. Only a rough plan.

Oh and by the way before I start (if I ever start) because I had so much fun writing those treat blogs I did for Laura, Tina and Pearl I've decided that I'm gonna write blogs about random people I like. So if in the near future you see I've written a blog about you, don't be alarmed. Just simply comment nicely and get on with your life. Oh and if I don't write a blog about you it doesn't mean I don't like you, it's just.....and I can't think of a way to finish that sentence. Enjoy!!

Ok the sitcom is basically about 3 men who live together in a flat (original!) and how they cope with life. They are all mid 20s and in this scene there are two of the men, Duncan and Ray (hypothetical names. They're not the names I had down but if I used them you'd know who they were based on...you probably can tell anyway), and Duncan's niece, Holly. Duncan's never had any experience with children before since he was one and he's been asked by his sister (who he's just met up with after 7 years of no contact) while she's away. The reason being Duncan is about to become a dad himself. Not through choice as he's not majorly keen on his girlfriend. Complicated enough yet? Anyway yes this scene is him coping with his 5 year old niece. And also, I might add, Peg is a girl who lives in the building and Ray's fancied her for ages. This scene takes place about mid or toward the end way through the series and about halfway through the episode...I think.

Duncan: (OS) Are ya decent?

Duncan: (half laughing, helping her) What ya doing ya great 'nana?!

Duncan: What's the matter?

Holly: (starts to cry again) I miss my mummy.

Duncan: (half hearted) Bless...well don't worry, she'll be back soon as ya know it!

Holly: (shouting, shrilly) But I want her NOW!!

Duncan: (taken aback) Alright!! Chillax! Geeeze...I'd like a lorry load of lady love but we can't always get what we want...does lady love come in lorry loads? Who says lady love?...What am I talking about?

Duncan: Anyway...

Holly: When's mummy getting me?

Duncan: (half under his breath) Not soon e-bloody-nough that's for sure! (she's dressed) Now, did you do your teeth?

Holly: I can't.

Duncan: (baffled, after a pause) Can't what?

Holly: Can't do my teeth.

Duncan: (genuinely perplexed) But.....how come they're so white?!

Holly: My mummy does it for me.

Duncan: (realising, nodding) Ahhh I see. Well that doesn't surprise me.Wipes your arse for you aswell, I shouldn't wonder?

Holly: (inquisitively) What's an arf?

Duncan: It's a...(stops)...D'ya knwow what? Can't be bothered. Come on, into bed.

Duncan: (high pitched, whiny) What?!

Duncan: For the love of the lord! What?!

Holly: (whimpering, sniveling) Mummy always reads me a story.

Duncan: Sorry, what?

Holly: Before I go to sleeps, my mummy she always reads me a story.

Duncan: Why?

Holly: (shouting) I need a story!!

Duncan: (annoyed) You need...dangling out of a window, that's what you need. Look, we don't have any baby stories so you're just gonna have to go to sleep. Night.

Duncan: (annoyed, embarrassed) What the frig's wrong with you, you little brat?

Duncan: (softer, slower) Ah look. Ray...he might have a kids book in his room. If ya like I'll go and have a look for ya? Ok?

Holly: (still shaken) Ok.

Duncan: (Back to his old self) Ok then. Two seconds. Light is staying on, see? We don't want you shattering anymore windows, do we?

Duncan: Bloody kids!

Duncan: (flustered) Ahh....that's a bit of.....sex. Um....Ray....now I know this isn't a good time but...well it probably is a good time for you [sniggers] But....yes, do you have any Noddys?

Duncan: (whispering loudly) Ray....Ray........Ray.......Rrr....Ray.....Ray! I need a book for Holly.

Duncan: Ray. I'm just gonna have a look. I won't disturb you. Sorry.

Duncan: (surprised, over the top enthusiasm) Oh hello Peg!! How are you?

Peg groans. Duncan's big smile fades.

Duncan: Sorry. No disturbing. Lips are sealed. Seeeeealed. I'm Zippy. ZZZZZip...pea. [does embarrassing Zippy impression] Now Bungle, you really are very sillly. Me and Geor....[stops] Sorry.

Duncan: Oi! This is my book, you bloody little thief!! I asked you if you had it about three months ago and you swore blind you didn't!! Lying sod! Ray!! Why didn't you tell me you had it?....Eh? [moves his head closer to Ray] Ray? [closer] Ray?!

Duncan: Ow!!

Holly: Sorry.

Duncan: (annoyed) I can't believe him....I spent ages looking for that book. Bastard! He can't even read. [seemingly regrets saying that] No that's not fair.....he is very fond of his Where's Wallys.

Duncan: (softer) I'm sorry I couldn't get you your book. I would go into Simon's room but I really don't think Top 5 Arseholes is really in your age range.

Holly: Shall I go into Uncle Ray's room to get a book? He won't hit me.

Duncan: (forcefully) No! And don't call him Uncle Ray!

Holly: (confused) Why?

Duncan: Because he's not your uncle, I am. Call him Idiot Ray. Idiot Ray Willy Head!

Holly: (laughs) Noo...I meaned me to get the book.

Duncan: 'Meaned'? 'Meaned me to get the book'? What kind of English is that?! I thought your mother was an english teacher? Jeeeepers Creepers, she'd turn in her grave....if she were dead. But anyway, no you can't.

Holly: Why?

Duncan: Because I said so.

Holly: I can be quick.

Duncan: I don't doubt that you can but you can't because he's with Peg in there.

Holly: Sooo?

Duncan: Well...they're busy!

Holly: Doing what?

Duncan: (not thinking) Having se........[realises who he's talking to]........sausages.

Holly: (confused) Sausages? Why in Ray's bedroom?

Duncan: (struggling) Errrm....well Ray has a sausage party once a week. He invites Peg over and they taste....sausage.

Holly: (excited) Oooo can I have some?

Duncan: (quickly, alarmed) NO!! [calms when he sees her shocked reaction] I mean....no.

Holly: Why?

Duncan: (struggling again) Errr....becaaaaaaaaaause...they're.............poisoned.

Duncan: (running with it) Yes! They're poisoned and....he's an idiot because he knows this yet...he still eats them. That's why...he's Idiot Ray Willy Head.

Holly: (worried) Will he be alright?

Duncan: (matter of factly) Oh yes! You think with a gut like Ray's he couldn't put up with a bit of poison? Na he'll be fine. He has petrol with his cornflakes.

Duncan: Does it look bad?

Holly: It looks funny.

Duncan: (angry) OW!! Why?! Why would you do that? Why?!?!

Holly: (apologetically) Sorry. Sorry Duncan.

Duncan: How come he gets called Uncle Ray and I'm just Duncan?! It's Uncle Duncan...if anything!

Holly: Sorry Uncle Duncan.

Duncan: (smiles) That's better. And that's Ok....ya little weirdo!

Duncan: My goooodness! It's red!! I look like a no good hood. [tone changes] Get in! Bit of street cred. Do me fine.

Duncan: Right lady face, I think it's time you were in bed.

Holly: I don't want to go to bed anymore.

Duncan: What do you mean anymore? You're a little kid. Little kids never want to go to bed. Fact! Doesn't make the blindest bit of difference.

Ray: (cheerily to Duncan) Evening Dick head! [to Holly] Allo sweety. You alright?

Duncan: (interrupting) Oh it's you! We've got a new name for you, haven't we Holly?

Holly: (remembering) Oh yes!! [forgetting] Umm...it waaaaaas.....Uncle Ray Sausages!!

Ray: (touched) Awww

Duncan: (disappointed) No. No it...what? It was Idio...sausages?! Ach whatever...just don't call him uncle!

Ray: (confused) Why not?

Duncan: Because...I'm her uncle, that's why!

Ray: (to Holly) Well you can call me whatever you want, angel. [picks up a satsuma and starts peeling it, turns back to Duncan] Dude, what's with the eye?

Duncan: (dumbfounded) Wha..? What do you mean what's with the....YOU'RE with the eye.....Prick!!

Ray: (confused) What you talking about?

Duncan: (still amazed) About 15 minutes ago? You punched me in the face when I was looking for a book?!

Ray: Haha. Oh yeah. Did that hit your eye then?

Duncan: (angry, quiet) Just a smidge, yes!!

Ray: Ha! Well serves you right. Honestly, you just can't help yourself can you? Always trying to stick your nose into my dirty sex. [sees Holly looking at him and realises what he's said] Basket! My dirty...se-ox...basket. My dirty socks basket! Yeah. That's you always sniffing about....in there...for....always.....cheese....anyway. Why aren't you in bed Holly?

Holly: (cheerily) I can't sleep without a story.

Ray: Oh. Well Dunc, why don't you read her Struwwelpeter?

Duncan: What's that?

Ray: A book! My nan used to read it to me. I'll get it for ya.

Holly: (innocently) Uncle Duncan.....what's Dirty Sex?

There we go. Pheww that's long. But anyway yes. That's my rough scene. Bit long winded and a lot of pointless stuff in there. Actually it scarily seems like an episode of My Family but really I believe they print that series on first draft scripts so I'm not too worried.

Anyway thanks for reading if you did. Your comments would be apprieciated.

Love ya all!

Ok the third in a series of Blog commenting people. All these people have in common is that they have the good sense to comment my blog....well...techniquely Tina's sister is Pearl's best mate...and I only actually know Pearl through Tina. But still! The point still stands. They all have nice good sense....well....

Anyway! Pearl. First of all I'll start by talking about her name. I actually love her name. Pearl. Just say it out loud.....Pearl. Now say it looking into a mirror and watch your mouth movements. Go on, I'll stay here until you get back.......................................................................................good innit?!  I actually decided something due to Pearl's name. Well her msn one. As many of you who know me will know....me. Hmm...as many of you who know me will know I'm very good at writing unfinished sitcoms. I'm quite brilliant in fact. I have a notepad full of scenes that have no relation to each other whatsoever. This is partly due to the fact that I usually just write things down as I think of them but mainly due to the fact that I'm a disorganised buffoon. Annnnyway Pearl added me on msn and her msn address was Juliet_Pearl@ bla de bla...actually that'd be a pretty cool address. But annnyway my imagine started to run away with me and I started thinking "What if her first name isn't Pearl...what if it's her surname?" This excited me somewhat and led me to excitedly ask her. She let me down by saying Juliet was her nickname. But nonetheless Ms Pearl is now a character in one of my never to be finished sitcoms. So Yay!

Anyway so I first met Pearl at Tina's house. Tina texted me and said she was having a barbeque and that I should come over after work. If I'd have known Tina was actually cooking I'd have stayed well away but if I'd done that I'd have never met little Pearl so swings and roundabouts. Although...actually I was thinking about this the other day but I've not told Pearl yet so this is an exclusive. I think I may have met her before when she was little! And I was little also. At the park in Heybridge. I'm pretty sure I did. She probably wouldn't remember it though. I barely do. But I think I might have. If it was her she played with me and my sisters. How lovely for her.

But anyway I must point out that I've not known Pearl for very long. I met her only just before I moved to Dragonland. But from what I know of her she's a very nice lady! And here's to many more chatting years!! Hooraay!

P.s. Did I mention I love her name? I did? Ok.

Some say she's mad. Some she's blonde. Some don't even know her so they don't say anything much. But one thing is said universally about Tina...."They're good ducks!"

Now I've known my good friend Tina for longer than I'd have liked. It's a shame but true. 5 minutes would have been fine.....just. I first started talking to Tina in about year 8, year 9. She was friends with my bestest friend in the whole wide world (Towser) and I used to occassionally walk home with her. She seemed like such a nice girl at the time.  It wasn't until about year 10 that we became friends. Although she'd tell you otherwise because she insists that she was not my friend. I find this insulting. We weren't good friends but we were friends nonetheless. She's an ungrateful swine I tells ya. Anyway although we were friends we never really hung out (like a couple of hoods). This first came into play one firework night just after we'd left school (2005 for the fact fans) and Mike had asked me to go to fireworks night with his new girlfriend, Alana. I really wasn't keen on the idea because I'd only met her briefly before and I thought it'd be awkward and gooseberryish. So as I was chatting to Tina on msn when he asked I thought I'd ask Tina to come and we all had a blast. I don't think we actually saw the fireworks (well I don't remember anyway) but we just sat at the top of market hill chatting and taking stupid photos. Including one of me and Tina  a-haunting which I shall post.

After this night we became firm friends. We'd go round each others and watch stupid things on telly and search for strange things on the internet. It's odd because the friendship that's grown from one night is so huge. I mean I always liked her in school but it never seemed like we'd be good mates in the future. Or maybe it did. I dunno. Life's a funny old thing. But anyway now I shall tell you some Tina the Weirdo moments.

Now anyone who knows Tina will know she can talk like machine gun fire. There are times when all you must do is smile and nod. And we were having one of those moments while we were walking along the canal. I was half listening and nodding then she suddenly stopped mid sentence and just looked at the canal and said "They're good ducks!" She paused and then carried on rabbiting. I was so bemused by this I just burst into hysterics. Also there was the time I was walking her home from mine. It had been raining so she had her little sister's Barney umbrella (well she said it was Fallon's but I never saw her using it...) and I spotted a frog. Now knowing Tina I was quite cautious of how I approached the subject knowing how she takes a dislike to certain things quite heavily. I didn't know where she stood on the subject of frogs. But I pointed and said "Tina...there's a frog!" Her reaction confused me. She didn't say anything but just quickly walked over to it and seemingly started trying to prod it with her umbrella. I was bemused to say the least. She said after that she was trying to make it jump the other way (which is a weird enough thing to do!) but it did look like she was a Hitfrog. The poor little thing though. Imagine having a giant, yellow headed lady chasing you with a big umbrella with Barney the dinosaur on the side. It'd frighten you half to death! Dear me. 

So yes. Looking back mine and Tina's friendship is unexpected. To me anyway. Thinking about it it makes perfect sense because...well we're both as bizarre as each other. We often say that we are male and female equivalents of the same person. How that quite works I don't know but seems plausable. We've decided that one day when no one's looking we shall have a baby just to see what it's like. I bet it'd be the best human to have ever been created...although.....perhaps it'd just be an incoherant bundle of pink. I'd go with either of the two!

It was September 1994. A young James had just moved from Cardiff to Maldon and was starting his first day at a new school. All Saints School to be exact. And one of the faces he rem....Ok I'm gonna start writing in the 1st person now. And one of the faces I remember the most from that day is that of one Miss Laura-Rose Smyth. The main reason behind this I believe is because we both started on the same day. She'd just moved from....somewhere else. I think in that way we've always had a strange bond...emphasis on strange.

Now one of my earlier memories of me and Laura was that I used to call her the Smythopotamus. This annoyed her somewhat (as well it might) up until the point she realised I wasn't saying it to be nasty, I was saying it because I was an idiot. Thinking back mine and Laura's friendship hasn't changed over the years. We used to sit together and wind other people up in class when we 6 and we still found ourselves doing it in our last year of school when we were 16. In year 2 it was Ross Bissell or Kirsty Jackson and in year 11 it was Steven Andrews.

When we went to secondary school we kind of drifted apart. Well...in a way anyway. We were still in the same form group but we just moved in different circles is all. Although I do remember one occasion where she told me that I'd be quite attractive if my eyebrows weren't so big (yes I still remember!! You'll be laughing on the other side of your face when I shave them off and pencil some on!). It was only really year 10 when we became good friends again. When we were sat in Maths. I'd been sent down a set for being rude to the teacher (she said "James Christie, you'll be the death of me!" and I said "It'll be an honour and a privelidge miss!" well...actually I think that was the final straw. Might be because I hadn't done any coursework) and there was Laura with an empty seat next to her. Idiocy could resume! We used to spend our lessons tickling the back of Steve Andrews neck, confusing Steve Andrews with questions that made no sense, singing Bob Dylan and Elvis Costello songs and also just general annoying Steve Andrews. It's his fault, in my eyes, for sitting in front of us. Actually by the end of our 1 and a bit years sitting next to each other I think we knew less about maths than when we started.

When we left school we kind of lost contact...until one night when a series of coincidences brought us back together. Well...kind of. We met each other about 8pm when we were going to the same cash machine and discovered we were both on our way to the same pub. I was meeting friends and so was she. But when we arrived I discovered none of my mates were there! So I just spent the whole evening chatting to Laura. Reminising (dangerous business) and just general silliness. But shortly after that we started meeting up more. Like one sunny day we celebrated me getting a job by going crabbing (as many 19 year olds do!). Although we discovered after sitting at the old crabbing lake for about 40 minutes there was no crabs in there. Oh well. But there was a certain moment when I realised my friendship with Laura wasn't normal. It was when she was doing child minding and I came round after work to sit with her and we discovered the kid had headlice. So without question we both sat there looking through his hair. She'd pick them out and I'd kill them. It was when we got halfway through that I realised there aren't many people I'd sit there with popping lice!

So in closing although our friendship was born out of taking the piss out of people, me and Laura have grown very close. And although we live far away I'm sure that's not the end of it. For too many happy coincidences have happened already, I can only assume there's many more to come.

"Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want!" As the late great Mel B once said. The last of the Spice Girls died last night. This truly is a tragic day. It's said she died peacefully with a spear through her heart which is a small comfort to the grieving nation. Rabbles of angry British folk having been storming the gates at Buckingham Palace seemingly confused as to why the Queen isn't flying the flag at half mast. One onlooker said "I think it's disgraceful. I mean it really shows what the monarchy has become doesn't it? Mel B was hero among men and women. She bought the world the word Ziga Zig Ha for pity's sake! The Queen is a joke. I'm sorry but it's true." Anger on this scale hasn't been seen since the public demanded the head of Eddie Murphy for poking the beloved Spice. Buckingham Palace has released this statement: "The Queen acknowledges the country is at a loss. In the space of 5 short months we have lost all our Spices. For this to happen just as we are getting over Baby Spice's cot death really is unspeakable. But the Queen has urged we turn our attentions as a nation to a more pressing matter. For there is a glorious piece of writing being writered at this very moment. I am talking of course about the blog of one Mr James Christmas. So without much further ado...let's tuck in and roll......"

HELLO MY FRIEND! Another blog it is yes. You are observant. Have a milky button. Why am I writing a blog? Well I shall tell you....it all started in 1939 far far away and a man we all now know as Adolf Hitler was trying on a hat. "Nien, zis hat duzunt feet!" said the moustached pudding....I really can't see where I'm going with this so I'm going to new paragraph it.

That's more like it. So anyway. Still dogsitting. Not very fun I have to say. I've now decided I never want animals as long as I live. Well....ok maybe that isn't true....I decided that long ago. But still this has decided me more. I mean waking up in the morning to the sight of Doggy Diarrhea™ trodden into the carpet isn't my idea of a fun time. And plus...how is it natural for humans to live with animals?! You don't see bears with a pet rabbit named Raymond do you? It really doesn't fit with me. It used to but thinking about it recently...I just don't see the attraction. I mean it's bad enough trying to work out what goes on in a woman's head, let alone another species....although actually....

Ok so anymore exciting news. Well...just had some of the family down. Mum, Megz (with a zed), Stu, Jen and Ben. It was good. They just stayed for the weekend but it was nice to see them. Think I'm beginning to get used to this old goodbye malarky. Still don't like it mind you but one has to grow accustomed to these things as it is life. For what is life but a string of farewells and hellos....diddly fuck, that's what! Shat on those wise musings I feel!

I can't believe Mike Reid died.....Mike Ried deid. Hehehe....sorry, inappropriate. He was one of my favourites on EastEnders. Along with Trevor (what the hell happened to that actor?! He was fab) and Nigel. But yes I posted a bulletin with some youtube things in it in loving memory of the man so you should have a look. Take your hat off and show your respect for the Butcher. I for one have been hatless all day!

I'm about to watch Hook!Yes Hook!! Haven't watched it for so long but I was just thinking about it yesterday and have decided I need some Hook watching in my life at this moment. I mean...Robin Williams? Dustin Hoffman? BOB HOSKINS?! Really cannot go wrong. Well....you can I suppose. They could do a strange erotic thriller in which they play 3 highly boring clowns who like to play hide the purple parsnip with each other....that could go a bit wrong I suppose. But with Hook they didn't! Huzzah!

Anyway...I have a mission for you. Whoever writes me the most interesting blog comment back will get a treat from me....well actually whoever posts a comment will but make it interesting. Just write anything even if it's nothing to do with the blog. Go mad! I don't know what the treat will be yet. Perhaps a made up story...we'll see. Depends if you're good.

Anyway bloggers. It's been fun. Let's blog again some time. I'm off to watch Dustin Hoffman as a pirate! Tata!

Yours hopefully

Sir Jim'll

Ok I did it. I feel so relieved. It's been so long I nearly wept. I didn't though. I held it in. It wasn't the time. I was just filled with so much joy and pure...emotion. So thankyou to all those involved. Thankyou so....*breaks down into tears*...so very much!

In case you hadn't guessed I'm talking about the fact that I sat on the left side of the bus today. I realised a couple of weeks ago that I always sit on the right hand side. But why? Why do I? I only realised when someone got on and he went and sat on the left and I just thought (in a very snobbish, nose in the air kind of voice) "why on eaarrrrth is he sitting on THAT side?" And then it hit me. I'm a bus side racist. I sneer at people who sit on the left hand side but merrily shake people by the hand who sit on the right side. MY side! Well all that has changed. I'm a new man. It would have all changed a couple of weeks ago when I figured it out but I only ever thought about it when I was nowhere near a bus and then forgot when I was. But oh well.

I went to the cinema today to see the Simpsons Movie. It was very, very good actually. I was expecting it to be a shit because Shrek 3 was shit (I don't know how I got there but just run with me) but it was really, really funny. I recommend it! Although...one niggle. Sideshow Bob wasn't in it!!! I was sat there right up to the end credits thinking 'ooo he's gonna come now. Haha. I can sense it.............oooo there he is..oh no it's a palm tree..........he's coming!!" but he never did.  True story. Oh yeah and...one more niggle. So that's two niggles. Deux Nigle as the French would...probably say. But yeah don't go and see it in the day time in a little cinema. So many little kids and even more annoying parents (the one I sat next to whispered to her little kid at one point "Not very realistic, is it?" THEY'RE FUCKING YELLOW YOU SILLY BINT!! LEAVE YOUR CHILD ALONE AND LET IT AT LEAST HAVE A CHANCE AT A PERSONALITY!!! Ooh, that was a bit ranty wasn't it.) But yeah wait until night time. The constant sound of crisp packets rustling nearly made me cry. Oh and yes, we've all seen the advert where Homer sings Spiderpig but can we just pretend we haven't and watch the film rather than sing along and make up your own mumurs when it comes to the bit he didn't sing in the advert! Jeepers creepers! But anyway, aside that very good film. I went with Mike/Mackeral/strange non stop talking fellow and his mate Conor so at least I wasn't totally alone.

So yes...anyway. Lovely stuff. Happy days. Pukka. Go on ma son! Ok that's enough. I've been dogsitting. Third year in a row. Except this year they have kittens aswell. Just adds to the frivolity really. Although actually it's not been as bad this year. The first time I did it the woofs were only puppies so that was a nightmare. Shit and piss all over the shop. The next year they were better but...still annoying. And this year they're fine and dandy. They just let me do my own thing and do it I have. Well...actually I have not much to do. Although little Mike says he wants to come round tonight to watch a film so I'm gonna have to hide pretty soon. Well...maybe sit by the window in case he tries to climb in so I can push his head out. Busy night!

I decided against video blogs. Weren't very good were they? Maybe one of these days I'll do another but I prefer writing. Actually I have quite a good idea for a video blog. It'll be fab if I do it as it includes a hero of mine so watch this space....myspace! See what I did there? Yeah....funny....funny man done a.....funny.

Anyway....can't think of much else to tell you about. So I shall bid you...adieu!

Bon ssssssoir

Love Leh petty dejurnay!