Yo bitches.  Been awile since i made one of these, and it's about due time.  Been to a few concerts between this post and the last.  Oh....Just 1.....Hatebreed & Type O Negative, fuckin awesome show, Kayela's first concert, good times.  But, to DETHKLOOOOOKKK!!!  We went about 45 minutes out of the way, like assholes, took I-4 to Tampa, got into Tampa, then turned around.  Then, went around Universal Studios place basically 3 times.  Finally, got parked, got there, and good lord.

And I quote Nathan Explosion " Fuck Florida, the Humidity is so Brutal here...........it's like walking through fuckin soup! "

We stood in line for a couple of minutes, Sweating my ass off, got in, hit the floor, just in time to see Chimiara's roadies finish set up.  We missed Soilent Green, but caught Chimiara just in time.  They came on, kicked ass, no moshing thanks to a " Violators will be tossed out " sign and a crowd full of malnurished, ramen noodle eating, adult swim watching potheads.  They went off, about 20 minutes later, Dethklok came on.

Opened with the normal meeting of the league of assholes who want dethklok stopped.  Then FACEBONES!!!!  Then dethlok, a 4, not 5 piece.  Brendon Small ( Creator, all voices excluding Toki ) on Vocals and Guitar, Gene Logan ( Dark Angel/Unearth ) on the drums, Mike Keneally ( Frank Zappa ) on Lead guitar, and Bryan Beller ( Steve Vai ) on bass.

Music sounded incredible, just like the CD, but better.  They had full length videos of all the songs in the background.  Breifcase full of guts, Castratikron, and definatley Murmaider cause of the Nudity and brutality in it, were the best videos in my opinion.  They even did the Duncan Hills Coffee jingle.  Also some ballsy guy dressed up like Dethklok's chef Djon Pierre.  He was pretty metal.  Comedy of Face Bones between songs, hardly understood what he was saying because people wouldn't shut the fuck up and stop cheering.  But yeah, awesome show.  Kayela packed peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, and cokes, so that was cool.  Passed our fuckin exit, busted a Uie, got gas, then went home. 

Oh yeah, and we had an Eddie Murphy uncensored tape on the way, shit was hilarious.  And to top it all off, my boy Robby was down from Jobcore in Kunt-tucky.  Great night, one for the memory book.  I'm sure I left alot out, like the overly hot chick that I unfortunatley didn't get much of a look at, like the pierceings, or her ass showing from under her very short skirt, but i heard Kayela rambling on about it for 10 minutes.  Then Shawn denied a poor, bloody, shirtless fellow metalhead his cell phone, and yeah.  YOU'LL GET YOURS RUSHI!!  KARMA'S A BITCH!!!!!  lmao.

Seacrest, Out.

WARNING!

This is quite a long blog, but i refuse to leave good parts out!

Also, to the active imagination, this blog is rated CPU-MA

Well kiddies, it all started out a normal day off work.  I Woke up, scratched my balls, took a piss, and put on a pair of Tripp pants, a black band shirt, and my infamous " Mofugga " name tag.  After Shawn and B.B. showed up, we put the PS2 in the minivan from hell ( Robby painted corpses, cows, and lots of evil eyes all over it ) , and headed to Lake Wales to pick up trav's friend Nick.  On the way, these guys pull up next to us with paper signs saying things like " Going to ozzfest? "  but after a few signs, wrote one that said " You have a very cute smile. "  After 5 seconds of laughing and a couple " them bitches are gay man"  I told Trav to step on it. 

                So, we get there, Trav and Nick get an $8 beer, then we hear what sounded to be a choir.  So, following our ears, we get to Behemoth.  A blood spitting satanic metal band, basically the opposite of a choir.  After them, came on, in my opinion, one of the top 5 bands there, out of all the 17 or so bands, Chthonic.  A Tiawanese black metal band, with, yes, a very very very very attractive female Bassist.  PLUS SHE WAS ASIAN!  Which is like.......................+6 automatic points.  Anyways, after them was In This Moment, which I caught one of their Guitar pics, then was 3 Inches of blood, then Nile.

Now lemme tell you something.  Nile is another of the top 5 bands there, because of their stage presence.  He grabbed the no crowd surfing sign and folded that bitch up like a pretzel, then threw it into the crowd.  We made Michael and Shawn crowd surf, and I mean literally made them.  Then, after Nile, we were all sitting there talking, and B.B.'s little brother Travis says " For a second there, i thought you were gonna make me crowd surf! "  I looked him dead in the eyes and said " Bro, crowd surfing has a wieght limit.  That's why i'm a liftee ."  Then, after many, many, many a fine goth bitches with half their asses dangling out, 2 in particular, came 4 other bands of whom i don't feel like typing out.

Then Devildriver came on, I got in the circle pit, bitches showed some titties, blah blah blah.  Devildriver deserves so much morethan blah blah blah, but 80% of you have stopped reading by now anyways.  Then hatebreed came out, headlining the second stage.  Then Randy from Lamb Of God, came out and sang a song with them.  Then Hatebreed made some more bitches show titties, blah blah blah. 

So, on to the second stage, where about 88% of the people either bood Lordi, or almost fell asleep until their shotgun-like pyrotechnic's went off  every 3 minutes or so.  Then Static-X came on, which was really a good show, but seeing them 300 feet away is a bad show compared to the 5 feet away show that we enjoyed at the House Of Blues.  Sitting down, seeing a few Upskirts, things like that, it was all fantastic. 

Then, possibly the greatest metal band of our time came on.  YES!

LAMB!  OF!  GOD!!!!!!!!!

Then, all hell broke loose!  Bitches started catching the feild on fire, whopping securitys ass when they stomped it out, and not to forget the biggest circle pit in history.  Literally about 60 yards long, and 14 yards wide.  It was more of a late night jog with random people smashing into you every 4 seconds.  Not to mention Lamb Of God sounding bettar than on the CD, which actually, made them feel like the final act.

And OF COURSE!

OZZY OSBOURNE!!!!!!!

Now let me tell you somethin about the almighty ozz-man.  He's not a metal legend " Just Because."  You watch him on stage and see the aged figure of an Idol.  And I don't mean Idol like American Idol, or someone you can look up to, I mean it as in statue of a god-like image kind of Idol.  Being as aged as he is, it makes you feel as if your just as important to metal as the ozz himself.  As old as he is and as many times as he's gotten on the stage, Damnit, he STILL does it!  Not to mention Zakk Wylde laying down licks and 15 minutes solo's, oh yeah, and a nice tittie on the megatron.  I left with a smile, a strong sense of pride in metal and in myself, and most of all, i left smelling like A WHOLE FOOTBALL TEAMS JOCKSTRAPS IN ONE CART!

Chapter 1

The Beginning.

Shawn, Robby, Travis, And I showed up a bit late, and missed 2 Cents, who had opened up for BLS when they we're at House of Blues.  We ALSO missed Goatwhore, who i bet was heavy as hell.  Most of the first bands sucked.  We showed up right before the Acacia Strain came on, and they put on a damn good show.  Then the next 4 bands or so were nothin but dumb moshers 2 stepping or rag topping or something gay like that.  I pulled a matrix and dodged a swing from some huge guy just being gay.  Then......the almighty vikings came on, the one and only Amon Amarth.  Then the Real moshing started.  Me and my brother went in when they played " Pursuit of Vikings. "  Then Darkest hour did good, then, the lamest group there came on.

Chapter 2

The pain of a wrong Venue.

The band known as Necro, a " Metal Rap " group came on, and we're cheered on by they're 14 fans that were there.  Everyone else boo'd them, saying things like " nobody wants you here " & " play an instrument. "  I actually felt bad for them, cause they're only safety was their songs, and their turntable that they NEVER touched once.  Even the towels they threw to the fans got thrown back on stage at them.  It was quite funny.

Chapter 3

Ressurection.

Yes, as in Chimaira ressurection.  They got us so pumped, i made Shawn go in the pit, and after a bit of extreme pulling, got Robby in too.  Then i jumped in right behind them.  Well, wasn't my best time ever.....no, it was, but i messed my shoulder up really bad.  It STILL hurts.  After Chimaira, we were exhausted from being on our feet for 6 hours plus moshing, so, we hit the bleachers.  We sat out " Every Time I Die ", which i could have cared less to miss.

Chapter 4

Concert redemption.

Again, redemption as in the Shadows fall song.  EVERYONE knew the words to the song, and the whole crowd was singing it right back at them.  Brian Fair, Jason Bittner espically, Matt Bachand, they all tore the roof off of that place, and I was literally 7 inches from one of Jason's drumstick's in my hand.  The whole time also, you could see Amon Amarth's drummer and lead singer standing on the side watching Shadows Fall play.

Chapter 5

Rulers of the Mudball Planet.

Gwar came out to someone telling how they were left on this planet by their race abandoning them or something.  Anyways, they came out, and the first prop they used was a huge spear with the head of Lordi's lead singer on the end of it.  Blood started spewing out of his mouth, all over the crowd, and to save 5,000,000,001 words form being added to this i'll shoten it up for ya.

 They sprayed blood from cannons, chopped the head off of the Virginia Tech killer, ripped their biggest fan apart to a fleshy torso and a meaty face, we got peed on, Satan himself came out and they fought, they're dinosuar ate Satans head off while the " Slaves " cut his hands off.  SO Satan was bleeding everywhere!  Then, The dinosur bit the leadsingers arm, it was bleedin n stuff, then he took a huuuuuuge sword and rammed it in his mouth and out the back of his head.  They ruled ass.

Final Chapter

One hoot of a time

We leave covered in blood, i'm smothered in pee, all 4 of our  white shirts intentionally stained.  Robby was more bloody than us, Trav was all kinds of messy, red blood, blue digestive fluids, yellow pee, SHawn was more clean that us cause a tall fat guy was infront of him most of the night, and i was more yellow than them, cause i had a constant stream of piss on me for about 5 steady seconds.  I thought i was at an R. Kelly show there for a minute.  Anyways, after a hilarious trip to checkers and getting gas in our multi-bodily fluid soaked clothes, we were 5 minutes from home.....................I saw something in the road, that resembled a dead cat.  By the time i realized what it really was, it was too late.  I paniced to brake, then BAM!  We got home, to find that a feather was still lodged in my foglight from the owl that i had hit.

A FUCKING OWL!

Of all the probably 200 likely types of animals to get hit by cars, i hit an owl.  A flying, sayed to be smart, huge bird, that is known to sit in trees, spot prey, grab em up, then go to the tree again.......in the middle of the damn road.  We got home, laughed up what was left of the night, took a few pictures, then all retired to our respectable resting spots at our homes.

But i would bet money on 1 thing we all did together, is hung our Gwar soaked shirts on our bedroom walls before going to bed.

Yep.  Started Out May 1st With A 5 By 3 Foot, 5 Feet Deep Hole In The Dirt.  After 5 Years Of Fun, Love, Joy, And Many A Piss Stains, Our Dog Cheyenne Passed Away.  She Was One Of The Best Dogs Imaginable.  She Was Smart, Quiet, Stayed Real Low Key, Protective, And Most Of All, A Member Of This Family.  She Was So Intelligent, That When Mom Would Come Home, And The Door Was Locked, She Would Bark At The Front Door, Then Run To Our Side Of The House And Bark, To Let My Brother And I Know That Mom Was At The Door And Needed In.

                                Cheyenne Also Knew Many Tricks.  We Even Taught Her To Stand On Her Back Two Legs, And Jump Forward Like A Bunny.  She Was A Damn Good Dog, And We Will Always Miss Her.  Goodbye Cheyenne, We Will Always Love And Miss You, Until We Meet Again.

First Off, I Just Wanna Mention, I Saw BLS At The House Of Blues The Sunday Before Last.  It So Deserved It's Own Blog But I Was Just Too Damn Lazy To Do It.  But To The Point.  About A Week Ago, My Cousin's Daughter ( My Cousin, Her Husband, And 2 Kids Are Currently Staying With Us ) Got Sent Home From School For Having.....Yep.....Fucking Head-Lice.  At First It Was " Dreads Are Dirty, Lice Don't Live In Dirty Hair "  But The Day Before Yesterday, I Experienced The Biggest Tragedy I've Had In About 2 Years.  I HAD To Cut My Dreadlocks.  I've Been Growin My Babies For Over A Year, And I Had To Cut Them, For Reasons That Never Should Have Been.

It Then Dawned Upon Me, I Realized, I Had Lost My Rasta-ship.  No Longer A Buffalo Soldier, No More Dreadlocks On The Mountaintop, No More Masada, No More Bumbaclot, No More Yamo, And Most Of All, My Key Individuality, Gone!  Upsides: Kayela Still Loves Me, And I Finally Can Wear My Iron Maiden Trucker Cap, My " fuCKYou " Hat, And My Bls Beanie Without Them Sticking Up An Extra Inch From The Wad Of Dreadlocks Under Them.  Also, Tomorrow At 10:00 AM, I Have A Driving Test To Take, If I Pass, I'll Start My Fisrt Job Probably About A Week Or Two From Now.  So Now That I Have Short Hair And Look Sorta Homo, I Can Say My New Goodbye......Seacrest, Out.

I Went To See Killswitch Engage, Dragonforce, Chimera And He Is Legend Last Night With My Brother Travis, His Friend Nick, My Cousin Brandon From 52F, And My 13 Year Old Cousin Zach.  It Was One Of The Best Shows Imaginable.  I Got Warmed Up On Chimera, My Jaw Hit The Floor During Dragonforce, And I Was In The Pit During Killswitch.  If Your Reading This, You Probably Know My Brother Travis.  I Hoisted Him Up And He Was Crowd Surfing And Even Touched Howard Jones' ( The Lead Singer ) Hand.  After I Watched My Bro Traveling Towards The Stage It Came To My Attention I Was Standing........RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PIT!  
               
                The Place I Tried To Keep My Brothers Drunk Ass From Leaning Into The Whole Night, I Was Now Right In It.  Right Then, A Chorus Broke In, And The Metal Took Over.  I Don't Know What Happened, But My Head Said " FUCK IT " , Adrenaline Kicked In, And I Started Jumping And Shoving With The Best Of Em.

              About 45 Seconds Later, I Got Pushed Pretty Hard, Stumbled On My Massive Pants ( Big Enough To Hide 5 Asian Refugees In Each Leg ) Hit The Floor, And My Left Jaw Went Right Into Somebody's Knee.  Everything Went Mute, All Sound, Everything.  All I Felt Was 4 Arms Lifting Me Back Up.  On My Feet Again, All Sound Started To Fade In Again, And Over The Band I Hear " Are You OK? "  As Soon As I Heard That, All I Could Push Out Was YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!  I Leapt From That Spot Right Back Into The Crowd Pushing Again, Before I Realized The Fact That I'm Slightly Heavyset, And Not Very Active.

                 Those 2 Facts Concluded, That Was The Hardest Time Catching My Breath I've Ever Had.  And To Concluded It All, I Was The Driver, So As Tired And Wore Out As I Was, I Had To Drop Nick And Brandon Of At They're Homes, Then I Had To Sit In A Driveway For 45 Minutes Waiting On My Brothers Ass.  I Got Home Around 3:00 AM, Got A Glass Of Water, And Fell Into My Bed, Which I Haven't Had The Luxury Of Sleeping In Since Friday Night, Due To The Fact That I Was House-Sitting For My Uncle While He Was Away At The Beach.

                       So......Conclusion: Sore Throat, Loss Of Voice, And A Little Exhausted.  And I Would Do It All Over Again Tonight If I Could.