Sunday I took part in "Girls Night Out" a variable drink and bitch at the Wine Cellar.  The night was fairly unremarkable, beer consumed, stories told. It wasn't until we retired to the smoking room until interesting things happened. I changed the TV from MTV to TCM, in a lifelong effort to keep utter trash from numbing my senses. Luck have it, Psycho had just started. A conversation ensued, ranging between Anthony Perkin's bisexuality,  Hitchcock's film style(use of dialogue and directing quirks) the creepiness of the taxadermied animals.  A few minutes in a fairly inebriated man walked in the door. He looked at us and at the screen. We tried to ignore him to no avail. His inquiry to what was on the television signaled the end. We told him what movie was on and tried to include him in the conversation.  Our hopes were dashed when he uttered the phrase "this scene would be better with some titties. I mean, if they are going to put her in a shower, and have be naked, I want to see some titties." us, confused, he continued "If I were a killer, I would say, 'if you dont show me your titties, I'll kill you, cause I'm Psycho Tim'" I thought of flashing him, but decided he wouldnt get the joke. Megan looked astonished and aggrivated. should we complain, no, lets let this thing run its course. he mumbled and ranted about 'titties' for a while. I chimed in trying to still be social and nice and trying not to yell ' there is a woman, right here within 5 feet of you, could you be any more derogity?!' but held off, seeing as it would only cause more trouble.  The cigarettes were done and we headed back to the normal part of the bar. Psycho Tim did return and talked to us for a while, blabbering on about this and that, but I shall get into that another day. 

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm not quitting, I just had to vent 4 years of collective musical/booking/life troubles in one swoop, that included with a quick run has fixed me for now.

chris

I told myself I would not write a blog in anger, but this has been stewing far too long.

As of the end of January I have been engaged in booking shows for 4 years now. Sure I might take a few days off at the end of tour, but basically this has consumed the last years of my life. I have strained relationships, lost girlfriends, lost friendships and even turned down a job rebuilding and managing a multimillion dollar studio all for my music career.  It is my all consuming, every hour of everyday job.  It even got to the point where I would not practice for weeks, just to have more time to book shows. I wont shower or eat just so I don't lose steam and my train of thought.
        For the first few years I was ok with this. I was ' sacrificing for my art' saying I needed to put this first in my life to succeed and it was fine. I was living the life.  My first tours were hard to book, but amazing, the second tour, equally amazing. Sure I didn't play to many people, but I had fun. I was following my dream. I started booking a 6 week east coast tour that went amazingly. I filled almost every night. The first two weeks my friend Joel came with and he wrote a zine about it. The shows were ok, good and bad nights. And onward I kept going and as I got better at booking I started raising my standards one US tour, then another. A few laps around the midwest and East Coast, even booking them 2 to 3 days ahead of time, I got by.
        But now that I had this all down, I had to set some higher goals, first and foremost, at least breaking even. I didn't want to eat through savings and lose money doing this. So I started getting into promotion, which is equally extensive as booking. some guerilla marketing techniques, then contacting the meda. The work kept pilling up, I needed more and more time. In branching out to booking bands other places and trying to do other things, it got too much.  I had to take care of some things or take a day off, I would get behind. on my first US tour a whole month happened where I couldn't get it booked, I did it all 2 to 3 days ahead of time, getting me back around to Texas, but thats when it happened. 
        I was stressed out, not sleeping at the time without sleeping pills or something and was booking shows in my sleep. being constantly on the go to do everything I finally flipped out. I was on the last 2 days of a streak of 7 shows when I lost both at the same time and just had a breakdown. I didn't care anymore. I went camping that night in Albuquerque at a KOA, got drunk and decided that I was going to drive to Oklahoma, camp for a few days, get my guitar fixed and figure out what to do then. I wanted to cancel all my shows, just give up. This was the end. 
       I ended up at some barista's house for that week, incredibly depressed not caring, and not knowing what to do.  I cancelled a show in Arkansas and drove up to Chicago to try and save a dying relationship and take a few more days off. It didnt help much, but i decided to keep going because I had nothing else to do. But it didnt matter, the next two weeks of shows were horrible, bad turnout and I didn't care. It was automatic, got up, played, got down, packed, left. repeat.
        I didn't feel any hope until I met up with my friends in North Carolina,  they were having a bad tour as well though. We chatted and I felt a bit better. I finished off the tour still not really caring though.
         I realized it at this moment that something had changed, and knew how profound, but tried to brush it off and I did. but it kept nagging. I couldn't shrug off bad shows anymore, they started bugging me more and more.  Sure, I got better and better shows, but it didn't matter. I had to keep booking, keep booking. Playing became secondary. I would be late to shows because of booking.  
        Soon I started getting burnt out on booking. It was too much to do and if I didnt do all of it, I was pissed when a show didnt go right.  I wouldn't do it for a day or two, then freak out and spend 16 hours straight.  I couldn't write songs because I had nothing to write about.  I had to do something different and fun and good for me, my car, I didnt want to drive anymore. I drive so much.
       Thus started the canoe tour, which I have to say, has been my best tour since the first 6 week one with Joel. I got a bit of a break, but if I wasnt canoeing I was library hopping for internet time to book and promote everything else. 
       Then came the 4 week tour with Emily Rose, which was good in the scape of shows, but bad in other forms.  I was burnt out, depressed and not used to people as for the 3 weeks after the canal trip i spent alone, locked up in my room booking and promoting.  This is where the new fears started nagging a little voice that said 'you aren't good enough.' any time i had a bad night it grew louder. I would watch Emily on stage and she would win over the whole crowd, just her and her guitar. I would go up with my bag of tricks and it would be a mediocre response.  Shows were better than before the canoe tour, and we were finding places to stay and it seemed better, but I realized it wasn't because of me. I was just dragging along. The driver, the opening act. I started to go back into autopilot for shows. but I practiced everyday to get better, hoping it might help. sure it might have the show, but not me. 
        Then something else happened, for the first time in 3 and a half years a tour failed, it imploded. I had to cancel the two shows I had and stay at home picking up shows as I could. 10 weeks off. the longest I had been in one place in years.  It got better, but I wasn't fixed.  I tried to get interested in other things, sewing, reading more, studying classical music, studying society, working on writing things other than music. I started booking a January tour, but the stress and nagging came back. I was still burnt out and it failed a few days and had some problems, wasn't very successful, I would not get anything done and shows wouldnt get booked. Too much to do. I needed a life.  I started practicing 1-2 hours a day everyday and I feel I improved. I put out a new CD, which I am proud of. I decided to cut back on the touring this year.
       But still I am burnt out and the nagging is there. I have standards, I have to make money to live and pay bills, I need to find an apartment, I need to book worthwhile shows with people at them.  I concoct marketing schemes to help bring people to shows. I need people to care. I need to write better songs.
      I have cut down, but its still hard. I lapsed and let this March tour go to hell with a 10 day hole in it and I can't bring myself to book a small coffeehouse show that doesn't pay, no one will come and I will end up sleeping in my car because I can't afford to pay for camping everynight. I'm past that aren't I? I guess not.
      So, do I cancel? then what?  another few months at my parents planning and waiting to heal? Just give up? trudge on? (thats what I usually do) I look at this march tour as a 2 good sets of shows spaced out with alot of nothing in between. I don't like nothing, its a waste of time and money. I've wasted too much time playing to no one and taking days off planning and planning, always planning and what about the future?  How do I make a living at this?  I know it all comes down to great art, but frankly I don't think I am capable of it. I'm too apathetic, I have nothing to say. I can tell amuzing stories of things that happened on the road, but rarely are they stories judging of people. I'm too accepting. Did something highly illegal, thats fine, I wont judge you, I just want to know the story and thats where my art fails. there is no edge, no opinion, its the musical equvilant of landscape photography.  
         Here I sit, I have friends talking about how they get calls from the media and venues to have them play. I get that once in a while, from coffeeshops and random people, but I look out and see it with so many around me. being a nice guy doesn't make you famous.  The conundrum is, do I continue? when is it time to quit? Never have I enjoyed doing anything else as much. Shear will might sell tickets once(canoe tour), but it doesn't make return customers.
         I don't mean to devalue fans or the countless people who have helped me out  I thank you for that, you have made many a day better. But the future looks bleak to me. I might be another case of more will than talent and I have to realize that.
      

I have in my possession a canister of petroleum jelly. A very old canister. In fact I have had it as long as I can remember. I used to use on my chapped lips when I was a kid and on my dry hands after playing too long outside in the winter. I now use it now as my chap stick has fallen to the hands on the garbage can. It has survived for at least 18 years and it shall live on as an heirloom to my kids.

Somedays I wonder what Scott Bakula is doing at this exact moment.

Waiting for my old laptop to finish its diagnostic so I can watch Boston Legal on abc.com whilst also purveying Idaho for suitable venues to complete my Master List. I noticed a curious phrase "Anime Swimsuit Competition" located on a Con's (thats convention to you and I) website.
Having recently had a dream about my alma mater, the effect an undersexed nerdy mind have on the artistic merits of the female frame are fresh in memory. I decided to check this out.
Questions arose. Was it real people? Was it poorly rendered sex kittens that these men have fantasies about? .....If it were only so simple. As a grainy youtube.com video showed, it was awkward teens of both genders flaunting themselves by a pool. the boys in swim trunks without anything else special about them. the girls, for they are not women yet, don two piece bathing suits with the fantastical hair dont's that live in the anime world. All stand awkwardly as an anonymous announcer mumbles words into a microphone, which are then smashed into a pulp by the pool acoustics(I was not aware that "cons" had pools)
The video is unremarkable for a minute (of 10 minutes total) until jeers sprang forth against the boy in the red shorts. WHY? this boy had done nothing to the audience members, but they scorned him just the same. He was the Alpha Male and the crowd must assert their dominance to bring him down. Testosterone was flying and soon ogling and cat calls toward the girl in the blue bathing suit. Blue, as written by certain scientists and known by used car salesman across the land is a color that attracts people in a friendly way. Was this the work of some clever minx using her feminine wilds to become queen of this "Con"? for I feel she could if she wanted, it was hers for the taking. No, this was a poor innocent teen wearing a bathing suit her mother bought her, wrapped up in her imaginational world of high smooth skinned, flawless body, animated standards feeling the cold brunt 'breeze up the dress' of the physical reality. A well timed 30 seconds of this video is enough to make any viewer wonder if Professor Karim Nayernia isnt on to something with the ability to take men out of the equation permanently. But as one drunk party goer retorted as he overheard talk of the good professors work. "yeah, but you still need a bone to have a baby" touche yonder drunk man, touche.

After lambasting JJ Abrams newest motion picture effort. I spent 1.5 hours watching the first two episodes of Lost and enjoying myself.

but a quote I once heard said:

"the great thing about being a hypocrite is you do whatever you want and still keep your morals"

I was privilege enough to see the new star trek trailer today online. and it proves that I am either A) scared of change B) not a fan of JJ Abrams "sexing up" of my favorite multimedia franchise.

fast car chases, over flashy everything. this are such spectacles that wrecked the last few star trek movies. (other than shotty writing and plot)

so in turn as a protest, I am only going to see it in theaters 3 times, but one t-shirt and NOT purchase the collectors dvd, just the standard one. thank you very much.

just see for yourself

it seems the common cover for singer-songwriters has changed from the over-played "hallelujah" to the becoming over-played "House of the Rising Sun." so i implore you bands of renown, non-renown and musicians of the world, stop learning cliche over-played songs and cover something better. I demand you all heed my demands!

acceptable solutions:
an original
a friends song
obscure jazz/blues song from before the 60's.

unacceptable solutions:
a parody song
acoustic version of 80's, 90's pop song
ANY pop song done in a tongue and cheek manner.

last night, Frank Besse and I decided to see if the grass was really greener on the other side of the fence and headed to warren, pa. Our mission, to find "the cool bar" of warren, an attempt to find out where the kids hang out on a saturday night. If one were to consider it a mirror universe, then we were looking for the warren equivalent of ourselves in the warren equivalent of mojo's (we knew that bizarro forte does not exist, its too cool).

This was an attempt to hang out someplace new, maybe meet some new people, but most of all to not see anyone we know.

after driving the strip, we settled on the Draft House, we walk into this stained glass windowed bar and ordered a nice local beer, which i am extremely glad they served. this IS the cool bar of warren. and seeing some younger people upstairs we headed up only to find it was a group of people we know post-wedding of a friend of ours. these arent just acquaintances, these are people i have known most of my life.

THE ODDS....

we swapped stories how we ended up there. and hung out. then after some discussion on where to head next decided to see if Grumpy's was really the warren version of the Rusty Nail. it is. holy wow. it is. Dj's playing all the 'greatest' hits, dancing, pool playing and general bar-necessities capped that end of the evening.

so, although we did not accomplish what we set out, we did have the best night ever, bar hopping in warren. whodathunkit?

in final note. we equated warren at 20,000 people. assuming that everything would only be 2/3rd's as cool as jamestown, but in fact warren is only 10,000 people and a bit more blue collar. this would explain why when we were looking for 4 people for bizarro us, it might have only been 2, and one is on tour....

that is if you believe in this mathematics crap.