***This is my third attempt at posting a blog in regards to my trip to Boston. Here is hoping that this time everything works the way it should and the reflections of my vacation are not forever lost in cyber space.***

I apologize for taking so long to post about my trip. Life has been a little crazy since I returned. I have been completely under the weather for the past week and sitting in front of the computer screen proved to be almost a cruel means of torture. Anyway, I am feeling much better now and I present to you, for your reading enjoyment, an abbreviated recap of my trip to Boston and meeting the New Kids on the Block.

First and foremost, Boston is a beautiful and wonderful city. For an American history buff, such as myself, it doesn't get any better than Boston. You have the USS Constitution (aka "Old Ironsides"), Faneuil Hall, Quincy Market, Old South Meeting House, the Old North Church (You know, "One if by land. Two if by sea"), Paul Revere's house, the graves of important, historical figures like Samuel Adams and Paul Revere, Bunker Hill, and so much more. I have barely even touched on all the amazing history of Boston. This was a trip I have dreamed of taking for 20 years! Unfortunately, the rain didn't seem to care about my monumental trip. Instead, it rained the ENTIRE time. I am not just talking about a little shower either. We are talking hurricane like rain! The two days that I was able to get out and explore the city, I always ended up completely drenched. That wasn't exactly the vacation memory that I was hoping for. It wasn't a total loss though. Thanks to the Old Town Trolley, I did get to see all the major sites within Boston. I just had to see them through a trolley window. I have no doubt that I will return to Boston in the near future in the hopes of catching some better weather and in hopes of seeing the city in dry clothing. For anyone who has ever considered a trip here, I would highly recommend it. The city is so easy to get around. The "T" (which is basically their subway) is quite safe and efficient, as well. I felt safe the entire time I was there, which is something I actually didn't expect. Not to mention, I met some of the nicest and most helpful people. There simply aren't words to describe the love and pride that Bostonians have for not only their city, but the people from it as well.

I think the best way to tell you all about my New Kids experience would be to break it down a bit. The entire reason I decided to take this trip to Boston was because of the New Kids on the Block. Where could I possibly begin to tell you how much I love these guys and what a vital role they have played in my life? Without their influence and positivity, I can't image how my life might have turned out. The New Kids have brought me through some of the toughest and darkest days of my life. In fact, if it weren't for Jonathan Knight, I would not even be here today. I get quite emotional when I think about everything that he brought me through, so I won't go into that now. But, without a doubt, Jonathan saved my life. He gave me inspiration and strength when I felt like the rest of the world had turned their back on me. Only someone who has been where I have been and experienced the things I have experienced could begin to understand the sadness, fear, and loss of hope that can consume your life. It is a pain that is so intense that all you want to do is just stop...stop being...stop fighting...stop living. When I had given up all hope, God sent a guardian angel my way. Through watching Jonathan face his Panic Disorder and anxiety, I have grown stronger. I admire Jonathan so much for having the courage to tell his story. I never could have guessed that his courage would ultimately give me the strength I needed to keep fighting and realize just how much I had to live for. I still carry a picture of Jonathan in my wallet everywhere I go (seriously...ask me to see it!), as a reminder that I am strong enough to get through all of this. Look at the amazing things that Jonathan is doing everyday! Panic Disorder is a part of me, but I refuse to let it define me or hold me back from doing anything I want to do in life. I am so proud to be able to stand up today and tell the world how much I love being me. I wouldn't trade places with anyone else.

Okay, so back to my New Kids encounter. Here are just a few tid bits about my meeting with each guy and the concert.

Danny Wood - Super nice guy. Danny was actually the first New Kid I met. After a brief hug and hello, I made my way to the next New Kid. I did get a chance to speak to Danny again later on during the meet and greet and he was really sweet. He signed my tour book and had a picture taken with me. The thing that stood out to me the most with Danny was his amazing love for his children. I can't explain the look on his face when he spoke about his kids and when he was with them. You couldn't imagine a father more proud of his children.

Joey McIntyre - Joey was actually the second New Kid I met. In fact, I listed them in the order I met them. Anyway, I have to say that Joey McIntyre is by far, one of the most hilarious guys I have ever met. I don't think that it is even possible to be in the same room with him and be bored. He has an abundant amount of energy. Joey was meant to be a performer. There is no doubt about that. Beyond the performer though is a really funny, kind, down to earth guy. He was so polite and so patient. When we went to have the group photo taken, I am not 100% sure where Joey was. All of the sudden, he just popped up right in front of me (and when I say right in front of me, I mean RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!). In fact, I am eagerly awaiting the posting of the photo online. Although most of that part was a blur, I do remember that there is an excellent chance that I might not even show up in the picture, as a result of being "Joey blocked". The whole thing was hilarious and I couldn't help, but to laugh. It still makes me laugh. Oh yeah...and Joey hugs are pretty great.

Jordan Knight - I think people are too quick to judge Jordan. Even I was a little apprehensive when meeting him. I had heard some pretty scary stories. I completely threw all of those stories out the window when I met Jordan. He is a really nice guy. I do believe that he is a bit more shy than all the other guys, but you can't really hold that against him. He hugged me and said hello. It was really great to meet him. Beyond the New Kids on the Block, I am a huge fan of Jordan Knight's music (don't get me wrong, I love the other guys' solo stuff too. Jordan's just speaks to me more). Ask my friends, I have made many of them listen to my Jordan Knight cd's (including Jennifer during our LONG drive to Florida). Anyway, Jordan was a really nice guy. Don't be so quick to judge him by everything you read. Make your own decisions. I think you will be surprised.

Donnie Wahlberg - I love Donnie Wahlberg. I am a Jonathan girl 100%, but there is just something about Donnie. I should start by saying that the famous Donnie hug is absolutely everything people have made it out to be. You know how some people kind of half hug you and slap you on the back? That isn't the case with Donnie. Be prepared for a full, sincere bear hug. Donnie hugged me so tightly and when I backed up he grabbed me again and said, "No...come back! I want more, more!". The love that Donnie has for all the fans is by no means an act. He means everything he says. You can tell that he is genuinely thankful for all the love his receives from his fans and he really wants all the fans to know that he loves them also. Trust me...his hugs will say it all. I can't wait to hug him again in Charlotte, later this month.

Jonathan Knight - I had to save the best for last. Meeting Jonathan was everything I had imagined it could be and then some. Even though he was sick, Jonathan really took the time to talk with me and you could tell that he was really listening to everything that I was saying. He was like that with each person he met. He was completely there and in the moment. Most of the girls in my group knew a little bit about why Jonathan was so important to me. One by one, they each made it a point to re-introduce me to Jonathan (although I had been sitting there talking with him the entire time). It got to a point where it was actually fairly funny. But every single time someone told him that I had an amazing story for him, he hugged me and continued to hug me again and again. I never did get to tell Jonathan, "Thank you", tell him my story, or give him my card. Just hugging him was the best feeling in the entire world. Not many people actually get the chance to meet their hero. I met my hero and although I haven't yet told him everything on my mind, I feel like those hugs said more then I ever could. Jonathan is extremely nice and easy going. I am hoping to give him my card and tell him my story later this month. I would hate to think that I never did, when I clearly had the chance. I know that I would want to know, if I had made such an impact on someone's life.

The Awesome Girls of Group B - Robin, Kathy, Anna, Leia, and Jean...you girls are amazing! I was blessed to have such an amazing group of women to experience this journey with. I have no doubt that I have formed lifetime friendships with each of you. Not to mention, our NKOTB moment together is captured on film forever!

The Concert - Okay, you are going to think that I am completely biased right now, but this is the best concert I have attended in my entire life. I am not just saying that because I am a huge New Kids fan. The show is so full of energy. You can't help, but to have a great time. The guys do a great balance between the new and old songs. The dancing is also completely awesome. I wish I still had the energy that they so clearly still have. Danny even broke it down with some break dancing!!! Bottom line, if this show is heading your way anytime in the near future, get a ticket (if there are still any available)!!! You won't be sorry! Best concert ever!!!

Robin - What an adventure!!! Thank you for helping to even make this trip possible. Despite the rain, we still had a great time. We will definitely have to return in the near future! I will never forget "our luck" with different things...TGIFriday's, strange buses, getting lost and ending up where we wanted to be anyway (TD Banknorth), crazy Boston drivers, Dunkin' Donuts (complete with excellent Boston Celtics Donuts!!), Newbury Comics, Riding the Red Line with a video camera, and my favorite, "You have reached your destination. WHAT??? NOOOO!". I love you, girly! Let's do it again soon!!

Okay, I have left out plenty of things, but all in all, I think that this is a pretty good overview. I had a wonderful time and came home with someone's cold. Yep, this vacation will go down in the memory books as one of the best ever! It will forever serve as proof that dreams do indeed come true. You just have to believe and have faith.

Who are my real friends? Who are your real friends? These two questions have been on my mind a great deal lately. This is mainly because it seems, as of lately, I don't really know who I can trust. I should say that trust is something that has always been a difficult thing for me. Without going into any major details, I have become a bit of an expert when it comes to dealing with broken trust. Anyway, it isn't just others that I am pointing the finger at. I have been forced to take a deep look at myself as well. Do others see me as a real friend? Am I someone that they can trust? To be quite honest, I don't know.

I have been watching a few of my friends go through some pretty tough times lately. They are dealing with depression, the loss of a loved one, sending their baby off to Kindergarten , stress from work, difficulty conceiving, and other various illnesses. Am I being a real friend to these people? In most cases, there isn't really anything that I can do to ease the burdens placed upon each of them. All I can do is be there when they want to talk or need a hug. That just doesn't seem like enough. So, what am I missing?

 In retrospect, who has been there for me? I have learned a lot about true friendship in the last year. I know which friends will actually be there for me when the going gets tough. I know this, because they were there. In all fairness, I have made a few new friends since then and although they could never have known the struggles I faced last year, they have been there for me this year. I keep thinking about that saying, "A true friend is someone who knows everything about you and likes you anyway". I think that is true. I know, in my case, that it is.

 Lately, I have had a "friend" say some pretty horrible things about me. When I sit back and look around me, I see I am not the only one dealing with the negativity of this person. It makes me angry and I am not someone who angers easily. Because of my experiences with this person, I have learned some valuable life lessons. First and foremost, never be afraid to be who you are and love what you love! Who cares what anyone else thinks? If it makes you happy, then that is all that matters. I am proud to be a New Kids on the Block fan! If that is something that you have a problem with, get over it! I would never tease someone and belittle them by throwing something that they love most in their face. I might not like the same things that you like, but if it makes you happy, then I am happy. Be proud to be who you are and don't let anyone take that from you! You are a wonderful, beautiful, unique creation of God.

The second lesson I have learned is that you have to be careful who you say certain things to. If it isn't something that you want others to hear, you should either keep it to yourself or at least make sure the person that you are telling is indeed trustworthy. I am not a secret person. For the most part, I am exactly what you see. However, I have been on the receiving end of some information (gossip) that I am sure was never meant to end up as the topic of conversation. That reminds me of another lesson, don't believe it until you hear it from the horse's mouth.

Someone else has been on my mind a great deal lately. I went online last night and discovered that someone had posted a blog about something that they aren't even sure about. This is where that whole, "horse's mouth", thing comes into play again. I don't know if the blog is true and at first I didn't care. Then I got to thinking about it. I do care. Not for the reasons that most might assume, but because once again I see someone I care about who cannot be themselves and show the world who they really are (which, by the way, is an absolutely amazing, kind, intelligent, and genuine person) because they are concerned about what others will say and whether or not they will be accepted. To this person I say, "I love you. There is nothing that you could tell me that would ever change that". I mean that whether the blog is true or not.

I believe Dr. Suess said it best... "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Okay, I have rambled on long enough. I just thought I would share what has been on my mind lately. To all my true friends, I also want to say, "Thank you!". Thank you for accepting me just as I am. Thank you for all the support, smiles, and laughs you have given me throughout the years. To those friends I haven't seen in awhile, let's hang out! And, to all of my friends who need someone to talk to and help them through a tough spot, I am never far away. Love you all!

Okay, before you say anything, I know I haven't written a blog in quite some time. I have been busy doing something I never could have imagined myself doing a year ago...I am living life to the fullest. The familiar smile that most remember has returned to my face and I spend the majority of my days excited about the wonderful things that God has planned for my future.

This year has been absolutely amazing. Although we are only in the month of July, I have no doubt that 2008 will always be fondly remembered as one of the best years of my life. I never could have imagined that my life could change so drastically in just a year. The power of God is amazing. He always knows exactly what he is doing, even when we cannot see the big picture. After being diagnosed with panic disorder, I felt ashamed and hopeless. I lived most days in fear of something that I could not control or predict. Panic can attack at anytime with no warning at all. There is no safe place to hide from it or prevent it. You have to tackle it head on. I have worked very hard over the past year to overcome panic disorder. I will never be completely free from these attacks, but at least now I understand what is happening and I don't have to feel so afraid all the time. Most importantly, I am not ashamed or embarassed anymore. There are so many people dealing with panic disorder in their everyday lives. I am one of the lucky ones, I have an outstanding family and group of friends (and amazing health insurance. I have to send major thanks to Blue Cross Blue Shield of North Carolina. They were there to help every step of the way) who are always there for me whenever I need someone to talk to or a hug (yes, Jennifer, I will continue to call you at 4:00 am when I am freaking out and maybe sometimes when I just want to be a terd). I have spent a lot of time reflecting on those who are not as fortunate as myself. Where they find the strength to face this battle on their own, I will never know. I want to do something to help these people. I am by no means an expert on panic disorder, but I am very familiar with it. I have been looking into ways that I might be able to volunteer my time to help someone else going through the same thing I have been through. There are several options available, so hopefully I will be able to help make a difference in someone else's life.

There have really only been two major obstacles this year and they were a doozy! I lost a dear friend in March. It was very unexpected and honestly it is still very hard to believe that he is no longer with us. His name was Joey. My younger brother, Adam, and Joey played on the same baseball teams for many years. It was there that I met Joey's sister, Shannon. We very quickly connected over our mutual love for the New Kids on the Block and a mutual friend. As the years would pass, Shannon would remain one of my dearest friends. She still remains so to this day. It doesn't seem like that long ago when she was there as we buried my younger brother, Christopher. I never could have known that several years later I would be standing next to her as we buried her brother. Talk about life being unfair!. Losing one sibling was quite enough. Having to say goodbye to Joey also was an emotional overload. Joey was only 28 years old and his life had just begun. The second hurdle I have face this year wasn't quite as large. A tornado ripped through our neighborhood on the night of May 8th. I was actually heading out the door for work when I received a text message from Shannon (mentioned earlier in this paragraph) telling me to take cover because the local news station was reporting that the tornado was indeed on the ground in our neighborhood. We barely made it into the basement in time. I will never forget the strange, train-like sound the wind made that night. As the stormed passed, we could hear the sounds of trees falling on the house. When it was finally safe enough to venture out, we quickly discovered that although we had damage, it was nothing compared to many of our neighbors. Entire homes were completely leveled. I am talking about beautiful, new, large, brick homes. Thankfully there were no fatalities. Everyone escaped with scrapes and bruises. My car was also crushed in the madness of the storm. It has since been fixed and returned. Needless to say, I will not be watching the movie "Twister" again anytime soon.

The good events of 2008 greatly out number the bad. Since this blog is beginning to look more like a book, I will only mention the two that stand out the most. First and foremost, I would like to say, "Welcome Back New Kids on the Block!!". Anyone who has known me since my junior high school years knows just how much I love these guys. They have been there with me through some of the toughest times of my life. They always seemed to make all of the bad stuff disappear or suddenly seem insignificant. They were there when I hid in my room during the weekends I had to stay with my alcoholic mother, they were there when she left all together, they were there when I graduated from high school, they were there when I lost my brother in a drowning accident, they were there when I moved away from home to attend college, they were there last year when I was diagnosed with panic disorder, and they are still standing strong with me now. I am now and forever a proud "blockhead"! I am so excited to say that the guys will not only be releasing a new album this year, but they will also be touring again. I will be seeing them in Charlotte, NC on October 30, 2008 and in Boston, MA on September 26, 2008. Yes, I am finally going to get to take that trip to Boston that I have dreamed of for the last 20 years. As if the trip to Boston weren't magical enough, I am also the proud holder of a 5* VIP ticket to the Boston concert (thanks to my magical, wonderful friend, Robin! You are the best!!! Who could have ever guessed that we would have so much more in common than a mutual love for Disney? I admire your love and dedication to the greatest guys ever.). Wow!!! I am most excited about having the opportunity to tell each of them, "Thank you!" in person. I especially want to make sure that Jonathan knows what an inspiration he has been for me. Jonathan was a beacon of hope when I was suffering with panic last year. I truly believe that he saved my life. He showed me that there was life beyond panic and for that, he will always be a hero in my life. Okay, so I ended up combining my top two good events of 2008 (The New Kids reunion and my upcoming trip to Boston). 

Are you still awake? If you actually sat and read this entire blog, I applaud you. I can be a bit over zealous at times and for that I apologize. Just imagine if I had waited even longer to blog? That thing might have gone on for days! I will be sure to fill you all in on my September trip to Boston (except you, Robin. You will be right there with me, so hopefully you will already know all the wacky details). I know I don't say this enough, but I am so thankful for each and every one of you. Some of you I have known forever and some of you are new friends that have come into my life this year,as a result of the NKOTB reunion. To new friends and old friends alike, I wish each of you a wonderful summer. Be safe and have fun. I love you all.

I should begin by saying that this blog will be a bit different from the rest. I actually would consider this more of a venting session. I apologize ahead of time.

Okay, so if you are still reading, here is the deal. Is it just me, or does love seriously stink lately? I am so completely exhausted with the guys I seem to meet these days. I honestly think that I have some kind of strange magnetic field around me that seems to pull in all kinds of strange guys. Before I continue any further, please let me say that I am far from "issue-free" myself. There isn't anyone in this world who isn't dealing with something. That's life. My problem lies with the the guys who have either a superiority complex, an inferiority complex, and last but not least.....the stalkers!!!

I am a good person. Ask most people who have met me and they will tell you the same. I do my best to give my all to family and friends. This sometimes blows up in my face. Because of my kind nature, I have been taken advantage of more than once. You might not think that I notice it, but believe me I do. I am just too nice and too much of a jellyfish to tell you no. I am working on it though. Getting back on track, the jellyfish thing, that would explain why I find myself out with these guys. It really comes down to a few simple things with me...

1- Don't act like you are better than me or smarter than me. I can't stand to be around someone who constantly looks down at those around him. Material things mean absolutely nothing to me when it comes to love. The more you brag about the things you have, the less I am listening. I should also warn you, I am not an idiot. Please do not speak down to me. I, in return, will treat you with the same respect.

2 - Flattering is great, but don't spend the night putting yourself down. If I thought that you were stupid and could not carry on an interesting conversation, chances are I would not be out with you (well, then again, I am a jellyfish). I am a firm believer in positive thinking, so turn that frown upside down. There is nothing I love more than a smile.

3- Please do not stalk me. I am really humbled by your affection, but when you call me at work, on my cell, and at home to find out where I am all the time, it creeps me out. It is one thing if I choose to give you those numbers, but quite another when you seem to find them on your own. This is even more true when I have never even officially met you. I am blessed to have some pretty great friends that have my back all the time, so be prepared to deal with them if you decide to go a little crazy and stalk me. I, too, promise not to follow you home after work and hide in your shrubs. That just isn't cool.

The sad thing about all of this is that I have had some really great guys in my life. I just didn't realize what I had until it was gone. Isn't that the way it always works? I have only been in love twice in my life and I still love those two guys very much. One of them is my high school sweetheart. I can only laugh when I hear people say that high school kids couldn't possibly know what love is. I know for a fact that they are wrong. I am 30 years old now and there isn't a day that I don't think about him and all of the crazy things we went through. I could tell him anything. He was probably the closest thing I have ever had to a soul mate. He is still the same great guy today and an amazing father on top of that.  The second guy that won my heart was also a pretty great guy. I never could have guessed how things would have turned out. Sometimes I wish that I had known sooner. Would I have changed anything? I don't know. He helped me push myself to reach the potential that I was capable of. I hope that now I can do the same for him. I am proud of him for showing the world who he really is.

I am writing this blog because I am so tired of waiting. I do believe that God has something amazing in store for me, but as I grow older I become more discouraged. I wish I could go back into the past and know some of the things I know now. I might not have been so quick to take things for granted. But, alas, that ship has sailed. The two guys that I have loved have moved on to bigger and better things. As much as I wish I could make things like they were, those guys will never again feel the same way for me as I do for them. I suppose that I should just feel blessed to be able to share a friendship with the both of them. That is something I hope I never lose.

So, today, love stinks. That could all change in a simple moment that I am anxiously awaiting. I will continue to pray and follow God's will, but for today I am going to ask why and when. There is a line from a Disney song that always gives me hope..."No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true" (A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes). Until then, I will continue to make the most out of single life. Being single really isn't the worst thing in the world. Having your heart broken in two because you love someone who doesn't love you back.........that is the worst feeling in the world.

Okay, here goes nothing! Vacation time has finally arrived. Usually I am much more excited, but this has been a strange year. I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder in January of this year. Yes, I know that there will be people out there who think that this is not a real illness and it is all in my head. I have learned to let people think what they want to think. I know it's real. Up until now, I have only really disclosed my illness to those I know personally and am close to. It took me awhile to realize that Panic Disorder isn't anything to be embarrassed about. I am not alone. This truly has been the toughest battle I have ever had to fight. I am happy to say that I doing so much better. With a little medication and some Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, life is finally starting to get back to normal.

Through all of my struggles, I am so amazed by the wonderful things that God has taught me. I am strong! I can do anything that I set my mind to! I have an amazing family that loves me dearly! I have an amazing group of friends who have allowed me to call them during the strangest hours and just talk to them until everything is better and I can sleep! Those are just a few of the incredible lessons I have learned. I have found strength and encouragement in the most unlikely places. Who could have imagined that a blast from the past would be what help to pick me up on days that I didn't think I would make it through? I am so thankful to Jonathan Knight for telling his story regarding his battle with Panic Disorder. Laugh if you must, but just knowing I wasn't alone and someone could understand exactly what I am feeling helped me so very much. I am Erin again. I am laughing and cheerful again (most days). I thought I had lost that part of me.

So, back to the present. Vacation!! I am finally going on my very first Disney cruise (first cruise ever actually). I am excited about the fact that I will be experiencing two new milestones in life (first cruise and first time out of the country). I am also a bit scared. I know when I get on the boat that everything will be great. I just have to get there. I kind of feel sorry for Jennifer (who I will now also refer to as "Speedy Pirate"). I get a little crazy when it comes to Disney vacations. This year, I promise not to lose my Driver's License and hopefully Jennifer will decide to leave the glue at home. I think one of the things I am also excited about is that a friend of mine will be taking her first cruise the week after me. I am happy to be able to have shared in the planning and excitement with her, but I am most happy that she is finally going to get the wonderful vacation that she so greatly deserves. I have never met anyone as hard working and deserving as she is. She is an amazing single mom, nurse, friend, etc. I could go on and on. I love it when great things happen to great people.

After the cruise, I will be traveling to my favorite place in the entire world...Walt Disney World!! The cruise is great, but it could never begin to take the place of my true happy spot. No matter what is going on in my life, I know it is nothing that Walt Disney World can't fix. There is only one word to describe it...MAGIC! I get to be a kid again and become part of a magical world where pixie dust can fix anything! I can fly through Neverland, hang out with 999 of my favorite ghosts, explore Mt. Everest, travel the world, and hug a mouse that means so much to me. The possiblities are truly endless. I only wish I could that wonderful Disney feeling with everyone. It is an amazing and warm feeling that takes over your entire body. It feels like home.

I have a million things to do and very little time to do them, so I am going to go. I will be back on November 13th. Please pray for Jennifer and I to have a safe journey, as we are heading to the Bahamas to hang out with Tropical Storm Noel. See ya real soon!! Take Care! God Bless!

Erin

I knew, before this day ever arrived, that it would be tough. I find myself having trouble finding the right words to say. Ten years ago, on this day, I lost my younger brother in a drowning accident. I still remember the day, like it were yesterday. As I listened to the terrible news being broken to me, I honestly felt as if someone had taken their fist and punched me in the stomach as hard as they could.

My first reaction was disbelief. In fact, the first thing I did was call work and let them know that I didn't think I would be in the next day. It wasn't until they asked me why that it hit me. I broke down. All I could do was cry. I cried so much that I literally had pains in my stomach for the following week. I experienced unbelievable grief. Grief like I had never known. Nothing could fix this. Nothing could make this better or easy to cope with.

My friends were amazing. After learning about Christopher's death, I found myself surrounded with amazing support and love. As I hugged each of them and cried, my mind begin to race with all the things I never had a chance to say to Chris and the countless questions I had for God. I believe that we all take our loved ones for granted, thinking that they will always be there. Why hadn't I told him that I loved him and to be careful? As the big sister, I had always been the one to watch over my younger siblings and keep them safe when my mother and step-father were unable to. How could I have let him down? Why couldn't I be there to protect him this time? Could anything ever fill this huge empty hole in my heart? That night, I just needed to get away. So, I went and stayed with some friends who stayed up the entire night with me and made sure that I didn't see the news or any newspapers. I am so very thankful for them. It gave me one last night with all of the happy memories I had of my brother. That is how I wanted to remember him.

It really doesn't get easier. Yes, I began to think about it less and less. I've learned to stop waiting for him to come through the door. I still would give anything to turn back time, so that I would have had the opportunity to save him. I know that is impossible. I also know that this was God's plan. I don't understand it, but then again, it isn't for me to understand. I still have questions for God, but I know that all the answers I am searching for will be revealed when He is ready.

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman called "With Hope". It truly is amazing. It sums everything I am feeling perfectly. I am including the lyrics below...

With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Christopher was 17 when he passed, so he would be 27 now. I would have loved to see him graduate from high school and college. I would have loved to see him get married and have a family. I will never have that opportunity. Please take time to hug your loved ones today and tell them that you love them. We aren't promised tomorrow, so we have to take advantage of today. I would love to hug Chris one more time and tell him that I love him. I know that I will get that opportunity again one day, when we meet in Heaven. Most of you have that opportunity now, so please take it. If you have any hugs left, I sure could use some today.

I love you, Christopher! I thank God for allowing me to share 17 wonderful years with you. You are always in my heart and you will never be forgotten. I like to think you are watching over us. We are okay. We just miss you. Could you please do me a favor? Give God a huge hug for me. I love you.

In light of this past weekend's events and because Jennifer went first, I too wanted to share my story with everyone.

I was Christened in the Moravian Church when I was two. From the day I was born until the day my parents seperated when I was six, we always attended Sunday services. I even have vague memories of our pastor in our kitchen during Christmas time. Life completely changed after my parents' seperation. Mom left and we stayed with Dad. We stopped going to church, except on Christmas Eve. When we did go to Christmas Eve Lovefeast services, we always went to a different church. I didn't grow up in the church. God wasn't often spoken of in our home.

Life isn't always fair. It wasn't long after mom moved out that we begin to see less and less of her. She began to drink and that quickly became much more important to her. On the weekends that we were fortunate enough to see her, we were often subject to drunken rants and having to fend for ourselves. I grew up very quickly. By the age of seven, I was responsible for caring for my younger siblings while mom and my soon to be step-father drank the day and night away. This went on for many years. I actually felt relief when mom decided not to see us on her weekends, which she did more often than not. My mom completely disappeared when I was a teenager.

As I entered high school, I met and fell in love with a great guy. Life was really beginning to look up. He and I had decided to get married in August of the year I graduated. We really wanted God to be in the center of our lives, so we attended church services each Sunday. One week we would go to his church and the next, we would go to mine. My friend, Stephanie, even got me involved in our youth group again. While attending a service at his church one morning, I decided to participate in the invitation and accept God into my heart and be saved. I remember being very nervous as I walked to the front of the church in front of all of these people I didn't know. That morning, I was saved. I never did marry my high school sweetheart, but I will forever be thankful for him. He helped bring me back to God.

Being saved is a wonderful thing. In high school, I didn't fully understand what it meant to give my life and heart to God. I begin to understand when I started applying for college. I applied to several colleges during my senior year. I had to limit my choices because money was tight and we couldn't afford to pay hundreds of dollars in application fees. I received an application from Gardner-Webb University and immediately decided that I would save my money for another school. I hadn't even heard of Gardner-Webb at the time, so there was no way I was going to use my application money there. Within a week, I received another letter from them waiving the application fee. The school had no way of knowing my financial burdens, after all, I never even filled out the application or contacted them. I decided at that moment I would complete the application and return it. After all, it couldn't hurt to have one more choice when it came to which school I would attend. It was close to a month before I heard anything. My high school counselor actually told me about my acceptance before I received a letter from the school.

High School graduation came and went. After much soul searching, I decided that I wasn't ready to go away to college and I would attend a local community college. I was exactly where I needed to be. Two years after my high school graduation, I lost one of my younger brothers in a drowning accident. Up until now, that was the hardest thing I had ever had to deal with. It is still tough today. I can't imagine what life would have been like if I were away at school. This is where I needed to be. As I worked through the following year, I started to realize that the time had finally arrived for me to move on. This time, I had decided to apply to only one college. I had fallen in love again with another great guy and all I wanted to do was be closer to him. It is funny to think about it now, but I also wanted to be all I could be for him. I truly think that I pushed myself for that very reason. I have no doubt that God sent him my way to help guide me and push me to achieve.

I was all set and college bound for the University of North Carolina at Wilmington when God threw a curve ball my way. While walking out from class at the community college one day, I happened to notice a college recruiter was visiting. I don't know what made me take a closer look, but that is exactly what I did. The gentleman was from Gardner-Webb University. I sat and listened as he spoke about the school and all the wonderful things it had to offer and I found myself wanting to learn even more. He gave me the name and number of an admissions counselor who would be able to answer all my questions and set up a tour. A few weeks later, Dad, Stephanie, and I set out for a tour of Gardner-Webb. Anyone who has ever been to Gardner-Webb knows what I mean when I say that this school is in the middle of nowhere. There is one stoplight in the tiny town and you can walk anywhere you want to go. I wasn't impressed at all as I drove up to the school. It was too far away from everything and I didn't have a car at the time. Still, we met up with a wonderful counselor named Carolyn and she took us all around the school in the pouring rain. To be quite honest, I could tell this school was a little different from the moment I met Carolyn. She had a beautiful smile and was so very kind. It just so happened that the day I chose to take my tour of Gardner-Webb was also her wedding anniversary. Here she was, on her wedding anniversary, showing me around this school she loved so much. Not to mention the fact that we were all completely soaked within the first five minutes. I soon realized that Carolyn's love for the school was a mutual love felt by all the faculty and staff we met. Everyone had a smile on their face and it was such a dreary day. You couldn't help but to smile along with them. By the end of the tour, I had decided to complete an application for the school once again.

I was quickly accepted to Gardner-Webb. This left me with a huge choice. Should I follow my heart to Wilmington or take a chance and branch out on my own at Gardner-Webb? Thankfully, someone made the decision for me. My financial aid wasn't working out at Wilmington. Something always kept going wrong. Wilmington, being a state university, was much more affordable. Oddly enough, where the financial aid was not coming through at Wilmington, it was there and waiting for me at Gardner-Webb. I say this is odd because both schools had the same FASFA application, so why did I receive funding for one and not the other? Anyway, God made the decision for me. It would be Gardner-Webb University. Where all the doors shut for me at Wilmington, someone was holding them open for me at Gardner-Webb.

In August of 1999, I begin my journey through Gardner-Webb University. God sent me exactly where I was meant to be. They could not have made a school more perfectly suited for me. I met my best friend and the group of friends who became more of a family. I found a church I loved with all my heart and a church family who loved me also and was always there. Most importantly, I developed an amazing relationship with my Lord and Savior. It is a relationship that is still just as strong today and hopefully always. I was baptized at Crestview Baptist Church on November 17, 2002 by Pastor Stan Webb. It was one of the most amazing days of my life. All of my friends, several of my professors, my grandmother, and even my mom were all there. Words cannot explain the rush and over-whelming feelings I experienced that day, as my sins were washed away. That day I made a public decleration of my love for Christ and I would proudly stand up and do the same today.

My life since college has been relatively great. I have experienced an abudance of blessings. This year has been really tough for me so far. I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia in January and have since developed an exhausting case of Depression. I am scared to do ordinary, everyday things that most of you take for granted. I am scared of the night, I am scared to try to sleep, I am scared to be far away from home, I am scared to drive long distances, I am even scared to watch movies and shows that are not all happy and care-free. It isn't easy being me these days. Always remember though that God has a reason for everything. During this time of extreme sadness and anxiety, I have grown closer to my family and friends. I would not trade that for anything in the world. I have also discovered what strength I have. When I am my most sad, I can often be heard saying, "I'm not as strong as you think I am!", to my family and I think even to God. This weekend though I learned that I am stronger than I believe. Although I was scared to death to drive far away to celebrate my best friends birthday with her, somehow I made it. My profile picture serves as proof. I even found the strength to tell my testimony at church on Sunday. God is teaching me so many important lessons through this. I didn't see it at first, but this weekend really opened my eyes. Yes, I am still sick and I still have to fight this each day. No, I am not ready for a week long trip away from home or to watch the news. But, God is bringing me through this in His time and I am okay with that. God amazes me each and every day. His love is unconditional and unwaivering. I can only hope that each of you has accepted Him into your lives, so that you too can feel the joy and love I feel everyday. He has brought me through many storms and I am here today because of Him. This weekend, God literally brought me to the mountain and helped me reach the top. HOW AMAZING AND WONDERFUL HE IS!!!!!

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I would love to hear your story also, so please take time to share it. Share it with everyone. Your story might be just what someone needs to hear to bring them to the Lord. Your story is more powerful than you think!

If you haven't accepted the Lord into your heart, but you would like to, please message me or call me. Just like Jennifer said, if you don't have my number, than message me and I will make sure you get it. You deserve to experience the love God has for you. He loved you so much that He gave His only Son, so that you might live. Imagine a love that wonderful!!

I am not one to dwell on what is happening in the news. After all, have you watched it lately? The world is a scary place. The news chooses to only report the negative. Believe it or not, there is still good out there. For every negative story you hear about, there is something positive going completely unnoticed.

I turned on the news this morning to find that once again there were horrific people planning to bring down more planes with thousands of innocent lives. I will never be able to understand what could possibly be going on in the minds of these terrorist. After I got over the initial shock, I started to see things in a completely new light.

God was in an England airport this morning. God stopped the terrorist. God stopped the planes. God held some very frightened passengers tight in His arms and safe from harm. How amazing He is! How mighty He is!! Sometimes I forget, when things get really tough, that God is right there with me and holding me tight in His arms. He is there each and every moment for every single one of us. We just have to accept him. He loves us all so much and there is nothing that we could ever do that would change that.

I too will be flying very soon as I leave and return from vacation. I have no fear for two reasons. First and foremost, I completely trust God with all of my heart to get me where I am going and home safely. I can't help but to think of a line from a song my best friend often quotes..."Don't you worry. Don't you fret. The Lord has never failed you yet!". How true is that? He has never failed me.

Second, as an American, I refuse to let these terrorist scare me and keep me from doing something I love most. I enjoy flying and I will continue to do so long after today has passed.