In the spirit of classic comedy and in honor of Ed McMahan*, I'm taking it old school on this one.

*Ed and Johnny used to do this style of jokes on the tonight show.



The recession is soooo bad...

10. You can only afford to buy a pack of M's candy.

9. Doctors can now only play 9 holes of golf with your insurance money.

8. The record inustry's money loss this year forced Diddy to change his name to"Did".

7. Clothing manufacturers' sweat shop workers lost "all those cushy benefits".

6. GM's plans to issue more enviromentally safe cars have been halted and replaced by "making cars that just work".

5. The new Transformers sequel is just an old home movie of Shia Lebouf playing with his transformers as a kid.

4. Donald Trump has to drive the Ferrari to work instead of the Lambo.

3. The Laker's had to borrow money from Shaq to pay for the parade.

2. A-Rod cut back to only 3 hookers a night.

1. I went to buy lemonade form a kid's lemonade stand, and he asked me to show proof of address and two forms of ID.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/61239

After weeks of submissions, one of my jokes made the Late Show's weekly internet Top Ten Contest. Winners receive a Late Show T-Shirt. That's like winning an Oscar!

So I got my tooth pulled today, and I have stay at home and relax. So why not do some comedy!

10. Hey, there's my cat!

9.Well, it looks like you have no cavities, but that's because you have no teeth.

8.Start eating more candy, Mrs. Fields because I need more money. It's a recession!

7. I don't give novacaine, I can't stand needles.

6. I've never seen a shade of yellow like that before!

5. This gunna hurt like a bitch!

4. Try not to swallow my tools this time, Mr. Baker.

3. A bridge? You need a freakin tunnel!

2. Nurse, get me the belt sander.

1. Let's do the procedure again just for laughs!

Yes, another Late Show rip off but tonite is the Academy Awards so whatever.

10. Hugh Jackman will open the show with a Wolverine song and dance number.

9. I didn't realize the Oscar was chocolate wrapped in foil.

8. Not only did Heath Ledger play the Joker but played a piece of set design. What an actor!

7. We would give A- Rod a nomination but he is not doing a very good job.

6. Too bad they took away the Best Mummy catagory. I thought John McCain would finally win something.

5. Amy Whinehouse is out front drunk because she wasn't nominated for Best Make Up.

4. Tom Cruise turned down the role of Milk because he has more fun playing a straight guy.

3. Mickey Rourke got hurt doing his own stunts in a movie about fake wrestling. That's irony!

2. Despite several attempts, Dick Clark couldn't convince anyone that he was the inspiration for Benjamin Button.

1. Three words: Paul Blart 2

Ok i completely ripped this off from Letterman but cuz he is a hero of mine, I thought I'd try doing my own.


10. You would have liked those chocolates I bought you. I ate them on the way over.

9. Valentine's Day was so much better this year with you. Last year I just got hepatitis.

8. Hey, Oprah, thanks for paying. Love, Steadman.

7. Honey, I'm wokring late tonight. By the way, did you get that gift from Victoria's Secret? It was supposed to go to my secratary.

6. Hey Brett, this is John Madden. So I hear you recently got some down time.

5. I can't believe you went to Jared and only got me this Subway sandwich!

4. Hey, John, this is Brett. Sorry, Al and Pat already called me.

3. You mean you were serious with that proposal?

2. There weren't any Valentine's Day cards out this year, Honey! The recession caused Hallmark to lay-off their employees!

1. Not again! We went to Michael Jackson's house last year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-GoPk3hpTo

The other day I did something interesting.  I accidentally put chili powder on my toast. You see, the chili powder and the cinnamon are made by the same company and have bottles with the same labels. They look the same. And we all know it's really hard to function when you first wake up in the morning. So, you have more of a chance to make mistakes.  All five of your senses aren't fully awake yet.  So it's hard to read things. I can look at things I've seen every day all week and in morning still not know what they are.

 

 "What is this? what does this say? I don't recognize this type of lettering.  I'm going to have to call an archaeologists; this is too hard. I have ancient artifacts in my cabinet. "

 

So, sure enough, I grab what I thought was the cinnamon.  But it turned out to be the chili powder, and put it on my toast.  I start to eat it and then all of a sudden, my eyes start to well up with water and I make a face. My mother looks at me (I live at home.  Shut up, that's not funny.) and says, "what's the matter?" 

 

 I said, "the TOAST is HOT!!!

 

So, she said, "why did you eat it as soon as it came out of the toaster?"

 

I said, "No,  not that kind of hot. It's spicy. I put chili powder on it by mistake."

 

So, she said "well have a drink of water."

 

 Now everybody knows water doesn't get rid of spiciness. Water can put out fires in buildings but can't put out fires in your mouth. What they say you're supposed to do is either drink milk or have bread.  That's a lie!  Because what am I eating?  Toast with cream cheese! That's bread and the milk product. They are supposed to cancel the chili powder out. It didn't work. So I drank a gallon of orange juice. But that didn't really get rid of the spicy flavor, and I also couldn't taste it. It reminded me of the time I bit into an Advil liquid gel cap. I thought maybe the inside would taste good like that gum with the juice in. It tasted just like you would think it would: punishment! My dad bought a half gallon of yoo-hoo that morning too, and I couldn't taste that either!

 

Breakfast disappointments are always the worst because it is the beginning of the day, and it's a time where delicious things taste most delicious. Now I have a tongue that feels like play dough. And everything tastes like play dough too. I wasn't a big play dough eater in my day but I have  had a taste. It tastes a lot better than crayons. You'd think would all those fun colors they would taste somewhat good. We could barely keep ourselves from eating those fruit scented markers. At least most of us. One kid I knew took the red marker and put it on a tissue and said he had a bloody nose. He got to go to the nurse. Where is he today? Prison. And how about those kids that would eat paste? They all grow up to be stockbrokers. Now look what happened! I never ate paste, and I became a comedian.

 

So what we learned? Never put chili powder and cinnamon in similar looking bottles, never bite into it an advil liquid gel cap, because it ruins your yoo-hoo, play dough tastes better than crayons, kids who fake injury and go to the nurse end up going to prison later in life, and avoiding paste makes you funny.