Watching the documentary "Jesus Camp" is harder than I thought it would be. I thought it would be almost funny. I thought I would be able to laugh at the ridiculousness of these brainwashed evangelical kids, partly because of my own childhood. And there are funny moments, yeah. But mostly it's just heartbreaking. 

I had a stray thought earlier about the way time speeds up when you grow up.
When you're little, a year stretches on forever. It's a huge percentage of your life so far. School is a million hours long, summer never seems to come...then suddenly the years start to go by fast enough that you can see the months passing. Then the months seem like they're passing by too fast.
And once a year becomes only a small fraction of your time on earth, it doesn't stretch out forever anymore. I don't think most people notice the point where that happens, but everyone notices the speeding up sooner or later.
I'm sure this is why older people say "it seems like just yesterday when you were a baby..."
And it's almost like science fiction to look back and know that when I was a kid, time went by at a different pace for me than for the adults around me.
I guess the end of the year made me think about it. Christmas always seemed far-off when I was 10. Now it comes and goes like crazy.
I have to try to remember it isn't the length of the year that's changed.

I sometimes (seldom) wonder whether, despite all I have said, he still believes I left him for Will that final time.
I think my words and explanations were more than once carelessly discarded.
It showed in the comments his friends would make about me.
But they had no idea what I was made of. And the older I get the more I think he never knew me either.
I was not really ever at my best around him - he brought it out in me after too long together.
So I wonder pointlessly if he would have believed my reasons if I had told the whole truth:

"I left you because you were gone. Gone in body and in spirit.
Because you never shared anything of what you did with your day, new ways of thinking or who you were becoming at college. You never tried to find out new things about me.
I left because I no longer felt loved.
I left because you left me out.
I left because you were wrong for me after we both changed. After we both grew up.
I left because you treated me like I could never exist on my own.
Acting as if you would die if I left you, even when things were fine.
I'm a better person now than I used to be, with you.
Sorry if it sucks to hear that."

It's all faded now and there's no point wishing I could go back and say it all. But sometimes...you think about the past.

Michael is sleeping, but I went and gave him a kiss.

That is all.

I just got off an 18 hour shift.

All I can say is...wow.

What a day.

Work has become like a recurring bad dream. I can't tell you how many times I've nearly quit in a white-hot rage. I'm tired of getting angry over fucking petty injustices but it seems I can't help it. I feel everything too much.

It's not that it's a bad job. It's me. I just won't ever be happy working for somebody else.

I can't sleep, so why not tell you what happened the other morning?

What happened is, my love made me breakfast, bought me a four-pack of my favorite coffee drink and the brand new Weezer CD and woke me up to food and presents. Later he brought me tacos at work, and later still we let ourselves melt into the couch and watch The Office until late.

It was a really nice day.

Thanks <3

You know when you're driving on the freeway and you kind of zone out, then you realize you've been behind some guy going 50 miles an hour for like ten minutes, and you think "what am I doing? The freeway's wide open, I could have passed him" - you know that feeling? Take that and make it bigger. A lot bigger.

Lela W. Robitaille

1.7.1933 - 5.2.2008






<3

For some years now I've read and loved the online comic Scary Go Round, so I couldn't let this pass me by...never mind if I don't get on the site, never mind that I have no website to advertise if I do!

I don't think you understand how much I love this crazy comic!

My entry...I was going to put it up but I'm feeling terribly insecure about whether or not it makes sense. If I get to be a runner-up or whatever, and John Allison puts it on his site, then maybe I'll put up a link to it. (No promises...)

But I will put up my sketches, mostly of Amy (I didn't realize how much I liked Amy until I looked back at how many times I drew her!):









Edit (5.22.08): An e-mail from John Allison confirms I'm in! I didn't win first, but I'll be on the site on May 27th. (Please don't look. I think I'm going to throw up -_-)

that have happened recently:

1. I’m pretty sure I had 12 "friends" on here before, and now it says I have 11. The weird thing is I can’t remember who that person was. At all. (I guess the feeling must be mutual.)

2. This came up pretty suddenly, as things tend to do at Trader Joe’s: I’m transferring to the store in Brea to make pretty signs for them instead, starting on the 15th. The coolest thing about it is they’ll be building a big brand new store across the street from the old one soon, and they’ll need a ton of artwork for it when it opens. Also, it’s WAY closer to me than the Laguna Hills store. Yay!

3. I may have an opportunity to illustrate a kids’ book (!) if I can just get someone to kick my lazy ass into doing some sample work for the guy, and soon. (Emily, I’m looking at you here. Call me!!)

1. Watch this plzkthx (Orange Box today!!!)

2. In Rainbows...there is no excuse not to get this, it is an instant download and free if you want it to be (you'll see what I mean). Although my $80 discbox is on the way, because I'm a fanatic.

3. A postal service guy called me at work today, he found my purse in a mailbox...he said my camera and everything is still in it (!)

I'm picking it up before work tomorrow. :)

All the stuff that was in my purse is gone forever, I guess. Mystery Lady never called back. I have no way of knowing who she is or where she is anymore, as my mother insisted on freezing my phone.

As much as it sucks that I have to get a new drivers' license, new glasses, new phone, new credit/debit cards, blah blah, the one thing I'm really mad about losing is my camera. That thing was hell of expensive, plus I kinda need it for work. At least I didn't lose any pictures.

Since I am keyless I couldn't even leave the apartment today. I'm starting to go a little crazy by now. I mean you can only watch so much CSI.

In conclusion, I cannot wait for this weekend to be ancient history. That is all.

Well I thought I had had hangovers before, when my head ached and my fingers creaked, but today I realize that I have never really had one before. Ugh.

Anyway, at some point last night I lost my purse. Probably at Denny's.

Things That Were In My Purse:
my phone
my camera (flipping expensive, not to mention the 2GB memory card)
my wallet (with $60 in cash)
my keys
my glasses
a cute little notepad that had a Royal Rainbow-ish design on it

SON OF A BITCH!!

So this morning we called Denny's. Nothing.
Then we called my phone. No one answered.

But then someone called us back. She said that her son found my purse on a bus stop bench last night and since she lived nearby she could return it in about 45 minutes. We were going to meet her on the closest major street corner when she called.

I felt horrible so Michael went out to wait for her, even though she hadn't called yet. He stayed out there for more than an hour, but she never called. That was around 10 this morning, and we still haven't heard a thing. No one answers my phone when I call it. I have no idea how much of my stuff is still in the purse. I don't know the woman's name or number. I can't do much without my wallet or keys. And every time I stand up I feel like I might throw up or pass out or maybe both.

God.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who took out a life insurance policy
Because he had a horrible occupation

- Michael