A quick note - this is something I actually wrote for my last HS English assignment back in 2001 The idea was for each of the soon to be graduating seniors to write a short essay on how they as "adults" (we were 17-19 years old at the time) would effect and possibly change the world. Seeing as how I have never enjoyed the wittings of Johnathan Swift - I opted to write my essay in the style of his most popular work, the 1729 crap fest that is "A Modest Proposal: For Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland from Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country".
I like to think mine was better.
But, enough of the introductions - here for your reading pleasure....
a more modest proposal
t.s. kerrick
2001
The earth's polar ice caps are continuously melting day after day, and we, the superior race of human beings still have the indecency to drive our three-miles-to-a gallon Cadillacs and SUVs, and continue to burn more and more fossil fuels. People have been ranting about changes for years, talking about how we will one day drive solar-powered vehicles and live in a pollution-free environment. When will this day be? That day will be the day of Armageddon, where we will no longer be able to support ourselves, let alone every other living thing on this planet.
We will all die out or we will live in a "Waterworld" where fresh drinking water is impossible to come by and soil for growing crops will be non-existent. Water, our most precious resource, therefore, may become our ultimate enemy. It will destroy us if the earth's icecaps continue to melt, and if this does happen, we won't have any fresh water to drink. The balance of ice and water must remain the way it is or improve immediately.
Sea ice in the Arctic Circle is decreasing at a rate of 37,000 square kilometers per year and is about 40 percent thinner than it was four decades ago. One of the more dramatic probable effects of rising polar temperatures, this sea ice recession has major implications, from loss of polar bear habitat and increased precipitation over parts of the Arctic, to a theorized influx of fresh water into the North Atlantic that could cut off the ocean "conveyor belt" that transports heat around the globe and helps govern the Earth's climate. There have been sporadic temperature changes around the world already, especially in Germany, where periodic rainfall, sunshine and snowfall all exist in the same day. These temperature changes aren't uncommon around the world anymore, and they will continue to harm the life of our planet, as we know it.
My proposal consists of four steps. First of all, we will need to construct giant freezers and set them up near glaciers so that the ice at the North and South Poles doesn't have a chance to melt. Secondly, excess water will be processed and transported by Polish water-bottling team experts and distributed to needy students in America. Thirdly, additional water resources will be tanked and shipped into outer space in rockets, where it will be transferred to Mars in hopes of starting an atmosphere to create life on the red planet.
Fourthly, and most important of all, we can put all students who waste time in high school on hamster treadmills and force them to jog to save the polar icecaps. All treadmills would be hooked up to a master generator to save the world. This would be an honorable project for students in National Honor Society and Student Councils across the nation who need service learning hours. As repayment for their worthy efforts, and to maintain their biological water balance, students will be given free bottles of Polish bottled water, fresh from the polar icecaps. This will save students thousands of dollars a year that they can spend more wisely on clothing, shoes, computers, stereos, and music. Of course, those students who were unable to jog and keep the generator running, would be able to research rocket science and freezer construction, thereby enhancing lifelong learning and acquiring the much-admired, impressive status of becoming "official rocket scientists".
By following the guidelines of this proposal, we will be reducing the risk of flooding, avalanches, mudslides, and unwanted drool on student desks... Remember, water can be our worst enemy!
If we examine this proposal closely, we can see that there are no logical rebuttals to any of its steps. One could argue that creating freezers to sustain glaciers is an impossible task. "They said it couldn't be done…." as the marketing slogan for Toyota would certainly challenge Toyota to compete with Whirlpool, Frigidaire, and Bauknecht for monopoly rites to this project. Of course, there are pessimists in this world who would claim that the Polish could not handle the polar water project. I say, "Give them a chance. The Eastern Block needs more marketing opportunities. Look what they did with pottery!
Indeed there are negative thinkers who see no possibilities for sustaining life on other planets in our solar system. How do we know unless we try? As Lee Iococca said, "If we continue to do what we've always done, we'll continue to get what we've always gotten."
Now, as for the students who might start a rebellion when forced to jog to save the polar icecaps, there is no better retort to use than Marie Antoinette's famous line from the storming of the Bastille in the French Revolution, "Let them drink water!"
I profess that I have no ulterior motives for this proposal. In the long run, my plan will save the world, and, at the same time, benefit all of America's students who are caught up in our nation's "Stay fit and healthy" craze. Jogging mania and service earning efforts will be merged into a positive cause. Since I am graduating this year, I will in no way be affected by any of these proposals. However, by leaving my fellow students with worthwhile tasks and opportunities to contribute to humanity, I can hereby save them the agony of baking cupcakes, selling candy, and running school dances in the name of service.