Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 64
Sign: Aquarius
City: Hoyland Nether
State: Midlands
Country: UK
Signup Date: 5/20/2006
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Monday, November 02, 2009
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Current mood:  amused
International Study Finds Human Flatulence is Greatest Contributor to Global Warming
Staff Report
Nepal - At the International Conference on Global Warming in ....Nepal...., environmental scientists revealed a newly published study showing that human flatulence is the greatest contributor to Global Warming.
Announcing the results of a three-year multidisciplinary study on human flatulence and Global Warming, environmental scientists and experts alike were stunned. Dr. Lester Fuchs, Director of the International Centre for Digital Atmospheric Modeling said, "When we compiled the results, we were astounded by what we were finding. The volume of greenhouse gases produced by HFP (Human Flatulence Pollution) was way beyond what we expected."
He further stated, "When the team came to me with the results, I insisted that they recheck them; I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. We found that, on average, each person is responsible for 9.57 kilograms of greenhouse gases per annum from flatulence alone. While this might not seem significant at the individual level, when you multiply that by the world population, it is a different story.
"For instance, the UK with a population of sixty million people is responsible for approximately 120.5 tonnes of HFP per year. Globally, we estimate that 31.85 million tonnes of greenhouse gasses are generated each year from the simple act of human flatulence."
Dr. Fuchs went on to state a concern about the rising trend in veganism, saying, "It's common knowledge among scientists studying flatulence in humans that vegetarians and vegans flaulate much more than people eating a average diet. If the trend toward veganism continues, human flatulence will be the most
significant contributor to greenhouse emissions - exceeding that of cars and industry combined.”
The groundbreaking study has not only caused concern among environmental scientists, several top international cancer researchers have entered the debate.
Dr. William Speck, of the international Fractal Carcinogenicity Research Institute, and member of the multidisciplinary research team, today said at a press conference in Paris, "When we reviewed the chemical analyses of HFP and ran several computer models, we became very concerned. Up to 37 potentially carcinogenic compounds may be present in HFP. Our results show that HFP could be responsible for more cancer deaths than lifestyle and smoking combined. This new research may well turn the late Sir Richard Doll's seminal finding on lifestyle and smoking as the primary causes of cancer on its head."
Dr. Speck went on to state, "With regard to 'evidence based science', I think we have a clear link between HFP and cancer. Our regressive basal analyses modeling unequivocally shows that all cancer victims were exposed to either self-induced HFP or resultant second-hand HFP. The statistics don't lie. We can confidently state that there is a causal link between HFP and cancer."
" We are urgently requesting the World Health Organisation to fund in-depth studies into the probable link between HFP and cancer," said Dr. Speck. The groundbreaking study used a cultural cross section of older people, adults, and children to determine the average volume of HFP emitted into the Earth's atmosphere per year.
Professor Harold deBurger, lead scientist on the project, said, "Frankly, I was astounded that the volume of HFP exceeded both that of greenhouse emissions from carbon based fuels and BFP (Bovine Flatulence Pollution) combined.
"This is a factor that had never been considered before, and if people change their eating and drinking habits, we could see a significant reduction in the rate of Global Warming within a year. It's all about taking personal responsibility for reducing HFP and therefore reducing its impact on Global Warming."
Prof. deBurger, also stated that the two-day conference on Global Warming would conclude by issuing recommendations from leading dietary experts on ways to reduce the volume of HFP emitted into the atmosphere every year. But he also said that more research is needed before any anti HFP strategy was implemented by world governments.
He said, "We have the world's leading scientific minds looking into this problem. Concurrently, we are designing follow-up studies, which will be discussed at the ETRIAL Environmental Conference on Global Warming sometime next week."
However, Dr. Nigel Woodriff, environmental scientist and greenhouse gas expert, was somewhat skeptical. He said, "At first, I thought the study was of no significance, but after reviewing it with other recognised experts in the field, such as myself, we agreed that the study was well designed and executed. There is no doubt that HFP is the greatest contributor to Global Warming, but what are we going to do about it?"
He went on to say, "People simply don't change their eating habits over night. For instance, all of India would have to cease eating curries - I think that is an unrealistic prospect to entertain. Frankly, I would find it very difficult to give up beans on toast for tea, which I have twice a week. Governments can legislate on where people can and can't smoke a cigarette, but I don't think they can practically legislate for people's eating habits."
However, Dr. Woodriff is optimistic that something can be done to reduce HFP without radically affecting people's eating habits. "There are practical measures that governments can quickly put in place which would reduce the annual volume of HFP, such as adding sodium bicarbonate to the drinking water, adding digestive charcoal to HFP-promoting foods, or educating people about the dangers HFP poses to the environment.
"Personally, for the sake of the environment, I would be willing to cut down on foods that promote HFP - such as my beans on toast and the occasional curry. We could cut the yearly volume of HFP in half by 2010 using the simple measures I mentioned - with Governmental cooperation. I would say that is an attainable target, without imposing draconian measures."
In the UK, the Department of Environment has promised to respond to this emerging crisis. On condition of anonymity, a spokesperson said, "Now that we know that HFP is the most significant factor in the acceleration of Global Warming, we will be looking into legislation within the UK and EU to significantly reduce volumes. Clearly this matter is urgent, especially when you consider the constantly increasing population. However, we must get the balance right. Early next year, we shall be commissioning an independent review of HFP research from a panel of our foremost scientific experts. We expect to publish recommendations sometime in 2008. We are taking this report very seriously."
Human rights activists take a different view of the situation. Mindy Surekemp, MUSP spokesperson said, "The minute the government attempts to regulate what we eat, we will take the case to the EU Court of Human Rights. Our view is that this study is just another ploy by carbon dioxide emitting corporations and government to further erode our fundamental human rights so industry can continue unrestricted carbon dioxide emissions."
Environmentalists, however, supported the call for action. Lesley Holsombe of Earth Viewers said, "Our organisation welcomes any legislation that will significantly reduce the volume of HFP. We view the government's recognition of this major environmental pollution problem as a step in the right direction, but their reluctance to initiate immediate legislation is troubling."
In the mean time," Ms Holsombe said, "We will be picketing food manufacturers and also restaurants that serve more than three items on their menu that promote HFP."
Environmentally friendly restaurant owners have pledged to provide containers of digestive charcoal with all meals. Some will also be creating new dishes using digestive charcoal as an ingredient.
Phillip Edwards, owner of The Fermented Flower, an upscale organic restaurant in South London, said, "We have been into an HFP free cuisine for over ten years. Our clientele are more enlightened than most. No one likes to be around a person who randomly flatulates. And now that we know it contributes to Global Warming and has been proven to cause cancer, the Fermented Flower will be an HFP free zone."
A high-ranking cabinet member, speaking off the record, said, "In spirit, Mr. Brown agrees that something has to be done about HFP, and stated that the UK will do its part. But this is something new, and there is a need for more scientific research."
Meanwhile, environmental scientists and experts say that we are suffocating in our own HFP. At the conclusion of the International Global Warming Conference, scientists and government representatives agreed to disagree about the significance of HFP's contribution to Global Warming. However, they agreed to discuss the issue further at a conference on Global Warming in ....Las Vegas...., next week.(ends)....
 | Currently listening: Safe as Milk By Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band Release date: 1999-09-04 |
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Thursday, September 24, 2009
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Current mood:  amused
Category: Music
After living in the UK for ten years, one of the things I find most amusing are British made television documentaries about the history of Rock & Roll and Blues. As far as nationalistic propaganda, they’re great, but as far as historic accuracy, they leave something to be desired. The hapless producers and researchers are almost clueless about what happened across the pond.
BBC producers may well be the worst out of the sad lot.
In spite of the fact that the US is no longer part of the British Empire, the BBC still portrays the US to be a commonwealth country and the people as ‘somewhat’ unsophisticated country cousins in need of Britannia’s sage guidance in matters of culture and politics.
When it comes to Rock & Roll, the documentaries will always start out in the US, generally somewhere out on a stretch of dusty road in the Mississippi Delta. Next, we have the shots of the clapboard, shotgun shacks, and a ragged old African American guy playing a beat-up guitar on a dilapidated porch. Then there’s a few scraggly mongrel dogs running around sniffing out scraps of food, kids in dressed in flour-sack clothes dancing to the music, and there’s always a big washing pot boiling on an open fire – just stereotypical archive imagery they use as an intro to most historic documentaries about the southern US.
At that point, they cut to Elvis Presley, the gangly country boy dressed in baggy clothes surrounded by a bunch of giddy teenage girls at a county fair, or maybe even Bill Haley and the Comets. Then they cut to the UK. From that point on you probably will never hear another word about Rock & Roll in America again until the Americans learned about it from the Brits.
The documentary’s focus is all about how British Pop stars polished the rough diamond and UK promoters reintroduced and sold Rock & Roll back to the Americans.
Generally, they wind up with Freddy Mercury, Coldplay, or Oasis as the crowning jewels of international Rock & Roll creation.
Chuck Berry may get a mention, but more than likely, he would be omitted, because some British ‘POP’ star like Sir Cliff Richards covered one of his songs and improved upon it – 'it was only ‘crudely crafted before that.’
Of course, if Sir Cliff hadn’t covered it, Chuck Berry would never have been popular across the pond and simply languished in anonymity. That’s because the Americans were just too pedestrian to recognise his talent.
Also curiously omitted in British documentaries that give a passing acknowledgement to Berry, is the fact his style possibly defined second generation Rock &Roll, and he topped the charts back in the 1950s on a regular bases in the US – not Sir Cliff Richards who was just ‘a one hit wonder’ in the US.
American kids were bopping along to the beat of "Maybellene" (12 bar Blues) back in 1955. Berry’s "Maybellene" topped the Billboard charts, and today, music historians consider the song as one of the most important American musical works of the 20th century. Many musicologists regard "Maybellene” by as being the first purely Rock & Roll song that defined the music revolution to follow.
By the time your finished watching the BBC cultural propaganda, if you weren’t a first generation Yank Rock & Roller, you’d believe that the Americans stumbled onto Rock & Roll and were to unsophisticated and stupid to understand what they had.
According to the BBC, Americans had little involvement in the success and popularity of Rock & Roll. It took British entrepreneurs to realise the real value and market potential.
To an old Yank Rock & Roller, the most pathetic and intellectually insulting documentaries produced by the BBC are the ones they produce about the Blues influence on Rock & Roll.
According to a pompous BBC, it was enlightened UK musicians who first fused Blues and Rock & Roll. Before, Herman’s Hermits, Cream and the Yardbirds came along, American Rock & Roll had no real Blues Influence – Well, at any rate, that’s what they would have you believe, or maybe what they have deluded themselves into believing.
I hung out with Rock & Roll bands back in the late 1950s and early 1960s. About every guitarist I knew had an extensive record collection of Blues. They’re styles were based on greats like Elmore James, Muddy Waters, Robert Johnson, and T-Bone Walker. Many other Blues artist like Lowell Folsom, Bobby Bland, and Jimmy Witherspoon were a part of our vocabulary and record collections.
The bottom line was that if you wanted to learn how to play Rock & Roll guitar, you had to know your Bluesman. In fact, we knew who all the greats were and almost exclusively listened to Blues and talked about how great the musicians were.
However, the BBC would have everyone believe that all the American kids only listened to the fluffy likes of Pat Boone, Lesley Gore, and Bobby Vinton.
They seem oblivious to the fact that in early 1950s Rockabilly was the quintessential fusion of Country and Blues that indelibly changed the music scene forever.
As a matter of fact, American kids were bopping to the rambling riffs and wailing harmonica interludes of Jimmy Reed’s "Ain't That Lovin' You Baby" back in 1957 when it hit the top of the Billboard Magazine R&B charts.
After 1957, it was Rhythm & Blues musicians who influenced and changed the stereotypical notions about race that fuelled the success of civil rights movement in the US.
There were an army of white kids in America, like me, who loved and identified with the likes of The Isley Brothers, Sam and Dave, Rufus Thomas, Ray Charles, Aretha Franklin, Otis Rush, Carla Thomas and many others long before any of their music hit the British shores.
The Blues permeated American Rock & Roll, the American culture, and defined the American Rock & Roll sound. However, BBC documentaries would have you believe that Americans had no appreciation for Blues, and discarded it as trash ‘race’ music until the Brits came along and discovered it in the early 1960s.
According to BBC, it was the British intellectuals who realised the potential and were responsible for kids in the US listening to the Blues.
Interestingly, the kids in the US were listening to Blues because most of the hard core Rock was Blues based – a natural musical evolution of music had occurred. Blues was already assimilated into the popular music scene years before the Rolling Stones did covers of Muddy and Elmore.
In the late 1950’s, Muddy Waters had already achieved legendary status in the US music underground influencing both the American Folk and Rock scene with his searing electric sound, pulsating rhythms, and cutting Delta Blues vocal stylings.
Curiously, about the same time, 1958, Muddy Waters toured the UK with his electric guitar, he was almost booed off the stage, and had to pull out his acoustic guitar to placate an angry and unsophisticated audience. However, in 1960, Muddy and his ground breaking all electric ensemble were well received at the prestigious Newport Folk Festival which was traditionally and purely acoustic folk music at the time.
Sometimes, I just can’t watch a whole BBC Rock & Roll documentary. They’re like one of those propaganda programs you either watch for a laugh or out of disgust, go channel surfing for a rerun of rerun of Star Trek.
There’s a certain self-serving arrogance in the way the history of Rock & Roll is portrayed in BBC documentaries. It’s as if they knew they missed the boat, attempt to rewrite history, and offer the public the historic illusion that Britian was responsible for the introduction of Rock & Roll to the world.
However, before the constipated BBC executives would allow Rock & Roll airing on their national radio station, Carl Perkins’ “Boppin’ the Blues” was blasting across the radio airways in 1956 to a generation of American kids with the message:
“Well, all my friends are boppin' the blues; it must be goin' round
All my friends are boppin' the blues; it must be goin' round
I love you, baby, but I must be rhythm bound.”
Whether the BBC executives, producers, and researchers want to believe it or not, it was the American kids who first got the message and ran with it.
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Monday, September 21, 2009
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Current mood:  amused
Category: Blogging
The Full English Breakfast (FEB) is truly a sight to behold, but not necessarily to be eaten if you’re an American.
My first experience with the FEB was shortly after I receiver a running commentary from some Brit friends about how the “portions of food are much larger in the States” as we were driving to a restaurant for breakfast.
All I heard along the way was wonderful reviews and recommendations about the FEB. The restaurant was supposed to have the “Best FEB” in the all of the UK.
I was actually getting somewhat excited because breakfast is my favourite meal.
Well, as usual in most British restaurants, the first thing is that they expect you to prepay for the meal. I wound up getting stuck with the check for my companions.
Next, I found out that you are supposed to order everything upfront, so I forgot to order the beverages. Then, to add insult to injury, I thought that toast came with breakfast, so I was back up to the counter and told by my companions to be sure order “toast with butter” otherwise, the would not butter it; however, it cost extra for the butter.
And of course, I forgot the orders of chips. No meal is complete in the UK without chips.
By the time I was finished ordering, I made about five trips to the counter, and each one was a separate charge on my credit card.
As we were waiting for our FEB, I finished my coffee, but generally they don't give free refills (no matter ho much money you spend), so it was back up to the counter scrounging around for change to pay for the refill. I asked the girl if I got a discount for using the same cup. She said no, so I asked for a new cup, and she looked insulted.
I was a little leery from the onset because the first time I ordered breakfast in the UK I asked for my eggs over medium. The waitress gave me a perplexed look. My eggs came out sunny side up. When I told her I wanted them over medium, she asked, “What does that mean.”
As I explained it to her, she still didn’t understand except that I wanted the eggs cooked on both sides. The cook simply put the same eggs back in the frying pan and flipped them over. I wound up with two chunks of inedible rubber.
In the UK, they just see eggs as eggs, if they aren’t soft boiled; they are either sunny side up or poached. As a matter fact, if you order two fried eggs, you can be sure that they will be sunny side up, but one may be burnt to a crisp and the other will be runny.
Consequently, I wasn’t very excited at eating breakfast at a restaurant.
When our food arrived, I was flabbergasted! Each FEB was served, not on a plate, but a platter!
There were two eggs, two sausages, two rashes of bacon, two chunks of black pudding
(coagulated blood), a piece of deep-fried toast, a glob of baked beans, a heap
of fried mushrooms, and a sad looking fried tomato.
I had tried British sausage before and frankly, I found them quite unappetising so I immediately offered them to my companions.
They were just heated, canned baked beans. To me, there’s nothing more unappetising as a gob of lukewarm beans can look sitting on a plate. The edibility of the beans was completely out of the question.
The bacon was a little to greasy looking.
The shrivelled-up, fried tomatoes were totally unappealing.
I tried the blood pudding; however, taste-wise, it wasn’t very exciting. It was just sort of an odd bland taste with a mealy texture.
The eggs were the usual unappetising mismatch of almost uncooked and crispy.
By the time I finished giving items to my friends, they consumed my breakfast between them.
I then reached for the toast and noticed that it appeared as if someone put the butter on the toast then scraped as much as the could off with out tearing the bread apart.
I wanted something other than dry toast, so I went back up to the counter and asked if they had any preserves, the waitress politely informed me that would be fifty pence extra.
At the end of my FEB, I consumed two pieces of toast and a bite of blood pudding, two cups of coffee, and when it came to divvying up the tab, I had a handful of receipts it would take a certified accountant a week to figure out. So, rather than try and figure out the mess, I offered to pay.
It cost me over £50 for two pieces of toast, a glob of jam, two cups of coffee and a bite of blood pudding.
So, after the gut busting Full English Breakfast, one of my companions glanced over at me with a sly grin and said, “We could teach you Yanks a thing or two about making a good breakfast.”
The portions weren’t too big, but when I thought about, the FEB is more about how many portions you can get on a plate without overspill – not the size of the portions.
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Monday, September 07, 2009
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Current mood:  amused
Category: Blogging
During the
years I’ve played around in social networking sites like MySapce, and Facebook,
I received a number of notes back from people asking: “Why do you
want to be friends with me?” “How did
you find me?” (Better yet, why did the idiots join a social networking group if
they didn’t want to be noticed by other people with similar interests or
friends?) I even had
some people send me detailed questionnaires, or I should say an application
forms for friendship about why I would want to be their friend, and what I had
to offer them as a cyber-buddy. When I
first got these types of responses, I courteously responded with a short note.
However, when I thought about, I said to myself, “Why do I even bother with
these morons? I wouldn’t want them as a friend anyway and sure wouldn’t them as
a next-door neighbour.” If figured
that if I ran into them at a party, they would probably be about the last
people I would be interested in wasting my time trying to establish a
friendship. As
next-door neighbours, they’d probably be the type of people I would go to any lengths
to avoid engaging in over-the-fence conversation, or for that matter, even acknowledging
their existence. Consequently,
I began responding with the query, “Why do I want you as a friend, anyway?” Generally,
I always get a lengthy, defensive response, and then I’d simply block all forms
of communication from that person. Why waste my time trying to establish a
friendship with someone who starts out being a pain in the neck. What I can’t
figure out is why people even bother to join a social networking group, put
their name out there so hundreds of millions of people will see it if they’re
so particular about who they want as a friend. Actually,
picking and choosing friends on social networking sites is pretty simple, if
you don’t like someone; you just delete them as a friend and block any further
contact. If you don’t
like me, there’s always the delete button – be my guest because I would do the
same to you in a heartbeat if you turn out to be obnoxious.
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Friday, May 29, 2009
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Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Life
For most people, that bottle of vinegar sitting on the pantry shelf serves a multitude of purposes. Not only is it a condiment, food preservative, and a general household cleaner, but for many, it’s a medicinal wonder.
Most often, it’s taken for granted, and people only see a bottle of vinegar. However, to scientists studying the origins of life on Earth, acetic acid/vinegar, is thought to have played the key role in biochemical development of the first primitive life forms, and without it, life, as we know it would not exist. Natural vinegar is produced by the secondary fermentation of the alcohol in wine and is a three to five percent solution of acetic acid in water. Acetic acid is what gives vinegar its distinctive biting taste and aroma. Historical documentation of vinegar’s use for dye making, medicinal purposes, invigorating tonics, a condiment, and as a food preservative dates back to the earliest known records. It's safe to say that vinegar was the first commercially produced acid in the world. Acetic acid in fundamental to our existence, not only from a essential biological standpoint, but also in the production of chemicals, light industry, textiles, pharmaceuticals, printing/dyeing, rubber, pesticides, plastics, photographic chemicals, electronics, and food processing to name a few. In nature, a family of bacteria called acetobacter converts alcohol into acetic acid, and they are the single largest producer of acetic acid to keep Earth's the life machine running.
The microscopic, acid resistant critters are pervasive in the environment. They thrive in the alcoholic ecological niches of flowers, fruits, water, soil, and in a dormant stage, they’re even floating around in the air we breathe. Acetobacter also thrive in the intestines of all living creatures where they are essential to the digestive process and most likely, the major suppliers of acetate to keep our system functioning.
According to the widely accepted Wächtershäuser's theory on how primitive life forms evolved from the primordial soup, the first organic molecule in the chain of events was acetic acid. He based his theory on the fact that the formation of acetic acid is a primary step in metabolism in most all living things that provides the energy cells use to manufacture all the biological ingredients an organism needs to exist. There is a metabolic activity essential to life called acetylation (the acetate metabolic process), and among many other roles the process has in the body, it also plays the key role in the repair of DNA. A study published in the 2000 Elsevier publication Cell about DNA repair states: “Data show that cells defective for DNA-break repair capability lack the histone acetylase [acetate enzyme] activity leading to apoptotic machinery breakdown.” Acetate hemodialysis is a common therapy for people suffering with kidney failure. In several studies, aside from acetate’s buffering effect, it has shown to aid in dialysis by dilating veins, thus increasing the effectiveness of the treatment. One 1987 study on stated: “Acetate provoked vascular dilatation, which was compensated for by a heart rate-dependent increase in cardiac index.” Acetic acid is fundamental to the biochemistry of all forms of life. It’s the foundation for the acetyl/acetate group which is a plays the essential in the Krebs Cycle/Citric Acid cycle. The Krebs Cycle occurs in all plants and animals. The importance of the function lies in the efficiency with which it captures energy released from nutrient molecules and stores it in a usable form.
In humans and animals, functioning of the Krebs cycle relies on a acetate product in our system called Acetyl Coenzyme A that is produced during the synthesis of fatty acids.
Another acetate-based enzyme called Acetyl Cholinesterase/AchE is integral to the operation of brain functions and the central nervous system. In fact, there are a number of acetyl-based enzymes that are essential to human/animal life down to the chemical composition of genes. Curiously, when it comes to explaining where the acetate comes from to feed the processes, scientists’ explanations seem to be somewhat vague, convoluted, and often, contradictory. However, aside from the metabolic production of acetate by organ functions, large amounts of acetic acid is produced by acetobacter in the intestines which is absorbed into the system; and it would logically appear that that process provides most of the acetate needed. In a 1985 study published in the Journal of Clinical Investigation, Carbohydrate fermentation in the human colon and its relation to acetate concentrations in venous blood, the authors’ state: "These studies show that the large intestine makes an important contribution to blood acetate levels in man and that fermentation may influence metabolic processes well beyond the wall of this organ." Several studies suggest that there may be such a thing as an acetate deficiency, and acetate supplementation may be useful in the treatment of Canavan disease, a hereditary, neurodegenerative disorder. In folk medicine, apple cider vinegar is touted as a cure for many health problems such as a host of allergies, sinus infections, acne, high cholesterol, flu, chronic fatigue, candida, acid reflux, sore throats, contact dermatitis, arthritis, gout, etc. While apple cider vinegar is the traditional choice, the only ingredient of any volume that may have an effect at the dosage recommended (one – two tablespoons a day) is acetic acid.
As far as cider vinegar’s effectiveness for alleviating gout and arthritis symptoms, the anecdotal (testimonial) evidence is overwhelming. And some studies give credence to the claim; however, they all point to the acetic acid content.
The interesting aspect of the cider vinegar is that unlike the parent apple for which, possibly, is the most well researched fruit, there is no research to be about cider vinegar or even plain of vinegar as having any health benefits or palative effects. To an investigative writer, in light of all the abundant health claims made for cider vinegar, the paucity of research, especially to disprove the claims, evokes a great deal of suspicion – the unmistakable aroma of a rat rotting somewhere in the woodwork. It's most unusual not to see volumes of scientific studies into a product that is so entrenched in folk medicine. Both the parochial scientists and naturopaths fail to see the possibility of acetate deficiencies. Maybe, it’s simply a question of ‘not seeing the forest for the for the [apple] trees.’ However, the role of acetate in animal health has been well researched in animal husbandry, and farm animal feedstock is routinely supplemented with either vinegar or acetic acid. However, when realizing that primordial formation of acetic acid is postulated to be responsible for the creation of the first life on earth, and the essential function acetate plays in biochemistry, there has to be something special about vinegar.###
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Wednesday, April 01, 2009
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Current mood:  obsequious
I saw a few of the television celebrity chefs use stovetop smokers. Here in the UK, I never saw them use the implement for anything except smoking salmon. That seemed like culinary myopia to me when you could do chicken, beef, pork, etc., etc., and create some dishes with zing instead of the same old ‘traditional’ stuff.
At any rate, I hadn’t had any good smoked grub in quite some time and decided to look into buying one. When I priced them, I was looking at 30-50 quid (pounds/£). I couldn’t see popping that much dosh for something that was going to get mucky and take a lot of elbow grease to clean, then it might not do a proper job. Those were my primary concerns about investing in a store-bought stovetop smoker.
For some reason, I never thought about improvising a stovetop smoker, so forgot about it for a while until I saw Jamie Oliver (A Brit celebrity chief) while channel surfing one afternoon. He used a biscuit tin to smoke the usual chunk of salmon.
Putting aside my usual disdain for ‘celebrity, television chefs, I had to admit it was a brilliant improvisation to replace expensive gear. It never crossed my mind to use something like that. Upon further Internet investigation, I discovered that people also used old pots, woks, and covered roasting pans, and they all said they worked as well as the expensive gear. But, in essence, all you are doing is filling a sealed container with smoke – a very simple process. Outdoors, I’ve used cardboard boxes, old refrigerators, and old metal dustbins to smoke food.
Probably for millennia, the Chinese have done stovetop tea-smoked dishes using a wok, rice, sugar, and tea. stovetop smoking ain't nothing new.
My interest was primarily sparked because as an American expat living in the UK for almost nine years, I’ve found it impossible to get a good smoked, hot link sausage or good BBQ.
Of course, someone always had a recommendation, but the restaurant is generally located a few hundred miles away. And then, someone always said that there is some butcher shop specialising in sausages that have a good smoked selection, but again, you’re looking at a three or four-hour drive and they’re usually overpriced, over or under seasoned, taste like scrapings out of a smokestack or not smoked enough. Then, they may only sell them on every third Saturday if it doesn’t rain the week before.
When dinning out, I learned early on that one doesn’t order anything on the menu with the prefix American, Cajun, Barbecue, or ‘Tex Mex’ because nine times out of ten you will be sorely disappointed. Most of the time, it’s not even a reasonable facsimile.
Now, when it comes to BBQ/Barbecue in restaurants, you generally get a cut of precooked meat drowned in BBQ sauce right out of the bottle.
The Brits lack of knowledge regarding BBQ is totally understandable because, for the most part, the weather isn’t conducive to hang out in the garden and perfect your BBQ skills. This is especially true in the North where I live; consequently, that’s why I never got into outdoor cooking over here. However, when I began experimenting with my biscuit tin, stovetop smoker everything changed.
I begged a begged a biscuit tin from a neighbour, and for a few quid, I purchased a meter of chicken wire at the local building supply shop. Next, I got my trusty wire cutters and fitted a rack in the tin. Then I headed up the hill to the village butcher shop and bought a few links each of several different types of lack lustre British sausages and couple of belly pork strips. Lastly, I pilfered some oak sawdust from joinery, and I was in business.
My first experiment was finding the perfect British sausage to make good smoked hot link sausages. I tried apple and pork, regular pork bangers, tomato pork, and Cambrian sausages. Next, I rubbed them down with my home made, hot chili oil. I then smoked them in my biscuit tin over low setting on my gas stove for about twenty minutes. Well, upon tasting one, it was terrible. I thought the whole experiment ended with catastrophic results. The taste was very acidic and harsh. I set those aside in the refrigerator thinking I might try to use them to flavour baked beans sometime in the future.
My next shot was the belly pork which I decided to maple cure before smoking. So I rubbed them with salt and a little maple syrup, let them sit overnight. The next morning, I washed the salt off, patted them dry, and glazed them with a little more maple syrup.
Contrary to popular celebrity chef culinary mythology, it doesn’t matter what type of salt you use to cure your meat. I read several scientific studies and table salt works the same as sea salt (even for fermentation processes). And anyway, by the time you’re finished smoking the meat, no one could tell the difference between French sea salt and regular old table salt.
At that point, I was attempting to make smoked, maple-cured beacon. All I wanted was to permeate the pork with a smoky flavour, so I only smoked them for about five minutes over a low heat, turned the burner off, and let them sit in the covered tin for a few hours.
I cut of a piece and fried it up. Upon first taste, it wasn’t bad, but it still didn’t seem to have the flavour I was looking to produce. Somewhat disappointed, I wrapped up my beacon and placed it in the fridge thinking it would make good seasoning.
When I opened my refrigerator, the smoky aroma from the sausages I prepared the day before wafted out and filled the room. It was too tantalizing to pass up, so I decided to give them another try.
I cut a small portion of each type of sausage and popped them in the frying pan. It smelled like I was back in a little country café on the outskirts of Tampa, Florida. The aroma filled the kitchen and called for fresh buttermilk biscuits, fried eggs, and grits or home fries.
Upon tasting the various sausages, all except the Cambrian fell short. The Cambrian coated with my chili oil was by far the best. I realised that in order to get a truly tasty, authentic smoked flavour from my biscuit tin, stovetop smoker, it was best to let the meat sit for a day or two to allow the smoky flavour to settle into the meat and mellow-out. I also realised that the celebrity chefs I saw using the stovetop smokers didn’t know their big toe from their thumb when it came to creating a good smoked fish or meat.
Since my first experiments with the biscuit tin, stovetop smoker, I’ve done chicken, pork, beef, and some vegetables with great success. However, the secret is to cook the products at least several hours before you serve them, and better yet allow several days for the flavour to settle in and mellow.
Don’t worry about letting your smoked meat rest for a few days. Before cans, manufactured preservatives, and refrigerators, smoking foods was originally the means that our ancestors used to preserve meats for future use. The chemical compounds in smoke inhibit the growth of harmful bacteria.
If you are afraid, you can always give the meat another cook. Personally, I’ve never had a problem. I figure most problems are caused by cross contamination and not the smoked product itself. Also, you’re not limited to only smoking vegetables, poultry and meats. You can smoke salt and even gravy granules.
I experimented with gravy granules. Simply spread aluminium foil over the chicken wire, pour the granules on top, and smoke for ten minutes. Allow them to rest in the smoker for an hour or two, and then put them back in the container for future use. They’re great for adding an extra kick to baked beans and other dishes.
When making hamburgers, you can add the smoked granules to minced beef or pork along with some seasons to give your family or guests a nice surprise.
The beauty of the biscuit tin, stovetop smoker is that you can toss it in the dustbin when it gets to dirty. I also found that the chicken wire cleans up more easily than a conventional grill, and when you toss it, it’s only cost you about the same as the aluminium foil you used. One word of warning:
DON’T USE NONSTICK COOKWARE FOR SMOKING BECAUSE THEY RELEASE POISONOUS GASES SUCH AS HYDROGEN FLUORIDE.
Using the Biscuit Tin, Stovetop Smoker:
1. Place a handful of chips or sawdust in the bottom.
2. Place aluminium foil over the chips allowing room on the sides for the smoke to be released. The foil also serves as a drip pan.
3. Heat the container on a low heat before placing the food on the rack.
4. Place the lid partially on the container until you see smoke escaping, then cover.
5. With cuts of pork and beef, and chicken, the longer you cook them the more flavourful and tender they get. The wood chips burn out fairly fast. At that point, the container becomes like a stovetop oven, and the moisture released from the meat equalizes the temperature.
6. To get a real, down-home barbecue feel for meat and poultry, you can brush on barbecue sauce and place under a oven grill for five or six minutes.
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Wednesday, November 26, 2008
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Current mood:  quixotic
Category: Pets and Animals
I was in the midst of a dream. It was one of those pleasant dreams where I was standing by the sea listening to gentle splashing of waves onto the shore.
Then, all of a sudden, I realised that I was dreaming, but the splashing noise was real. It wasn't gentle splashes I was hearing, but more like a frenetic gushing sound.
It was coming from the bathroom.
In a semi somnambulistic narcotic daze, I clamoured out of bed into the freezing-ass cold night and stumbled toward the bathroom.
I had visions of a burst pipe spewing forth water and a frothy torrent flowing out onto the hallway and cascading down the stairs.
To my surprise, when I flipped on the light, everything was dry.
Still in somewhat of a stupor, I entered the bathroom still hearing the rhythmatic splashing which I identified as emanating from the toilet.
I investigated, still half-asleep and in a semi hallucinatory dream state. It appeared as if some witch's brew had passed the state of foment and was about to spew forth slimy corruption from depths of the vile city sewers.
All that went through my mind was that someone must have poured some powerful cleaners down the drain or a catastrophic event had happened at the sewage processing plant. It had to be one hell of a backup for it to cause the toilet to bubble-up on the second floor.
Startled into some semblance of consciousness, I glanced closer and there was a rat frantically attempting to leap out of the toilet bowl.
Well, I thought for a second and figured that the best way to resolve the situation was to flush the pesky bugger back into the corruption which spawned it.
I gave the handle a good hard pull which released a five-gallon torrent of water, and then I watched the intruder spiral off back to the realm from which it came.
Feeling comfortable that I eliminated the problem, I went back to bed.
Just when I was snuggling into the soft warmth of sleep, I was jolted back into reality by a splashing sound coming from the bathroom again.
After about ten minutes of waiting for the bugger to drown, I couldn't take the incessant splashing anymore and gave him another shot.
However, this time I got the plunger, gave a few solid shoves, and even flushed the toilet again.
I waited a few more minutes and even gave it another flush. Satisfied that I had finally vanquished the bugger back to the vile depths from which it the audacity to attempt to interlope into my domain, I went back to bed.
Come the next morning as I went to take a whiz, there again was the rat. Only this time, cold, lifless eyes stared back at me; it was dead as a doornail - a drowned rat.
He made one more heroic attempt and lost his life for the effort. As I pushed down on the handle and watched him disappear for the last time, I had to give the little bugger a grudging salute for perseverance.
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Friday, October 24, 2008
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Current mood:  amused
Category: Blogging
One of the most interesting aspects about the present financial crises is that bankrupt banks are foreclosing on houses even if people can pay something on their mortgage. All the bank is getting is an empty house they can't sell because they aren't loaning people money to purchase homes, and they're also losing desperately needed income.
This practice makes a lot of sense on the part of bankers, doesn't it? It's like the old adage, "Cutting off your nose to spite your face."
Presently, most of the repossessed homes are in negative equity. The distressed homeowner is actually being relieved of a property that isn't worth what they paid for it, and the brilliant bankers are accepting another financial liability which may look good on a report sent to shareholders, but the actual money isn't there.
With ballooning mortgages, it's probably less of a financial drain on the cash strapped homeowner to give the house back to the bank and rent.
If the bank can't expeditiously turn it over at a profit, or it doesn't generate income, it's not an asset; it's a financial liability. The reality is that the bank is losing all the way around because they just own an empty, un-sellable property - another cash drain sending them ever closer to the brink of insolvency.
On top of everything else, it cost the banks money to repossess a house that they can't sell in today's market.
In the US the average cost to implement a foreclosure is about $60K to the bank! Of course the mortgage holder is supposed to pick up the tab, but if they don't have the money to pay the mortgage, how are they going to pay the foreclosure cost?
If there were any bankers out there not suffering from congenital syphilis, they would try and keep people in their homes even if they could only pay a portion of the monthly payments – some income is better than no income, and a lot better than losing money. But bankers are too stupid and greedy to figure that one out.
With the present bunch of morons running the international banking show, it's no wonder the whole game fell apart.
If you're in trouble with your home and can afford to pay something on your mortgage, why not tell the banker that some money going into their bank is better than no money or even paying to maintain a perceived asset that isn't generating any income. One thing for sure, they sure ain't going to turn the property over for a profit any time soon.
At this point in the game, the distressed homeowner just might well be in a very good bargaining position with the bankers. These guys ain't too bright, so spell it out to them, you don't have anything to lose.
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Monday, October 13, 2008
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Current mood:  animated
I decided to create a new look for my site and was looking for some animated backgrounds at stock image sites like PhotoBucket, etc. All the animation was all sparkly, 'herky-jerky or st robing crap, so I decided to design some of my own.
In a previous incarnation - BCA (Before Computer Animation), I designed animated graphics for films and television commercials. The problem now was that I hate dealing with computer animation programs because it's too much work for too little results.
However, I found a simple animation program, so I designed a few kinetic (animated) backgrounds, one of which you can see on this blog background and the three examples below..

I put fifteen animated images designed for backgrounds up on my site for anyone who wants to use them - http://www.g-tigerclaw.com/kinetic_backgrounds.htm.
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Sunday, August 17, 2008
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Current mood:  amused
Category: Blogging
At the ending of Voltaire's "Candide," Pangloss says to Candide: "There is a concatenation of all events in the best of possible worlds; for, in short, had you not been kicked out of a fine castle for the love of Miss Cunegund; had you not been put into the Inquisition; had you not traveled over America on foot; had you not run the Baron through the body; and had you not lost all your sheep, which you brought from the good country of El Dorado, you would not have been here to eat preserved citrons and pistachio nuts."Had I not, when I was young, made many faulty decisions in the opinions of more conserative people, I wouldn't be sharing these videos with you now. Eric Burdon and The Animals When I Was Young Howlin' Wolf - Smokestack Lightnin'
Bob Dylan/MikeBloomfield - Maggie's Farm (1965 Newport Folk Festival)
Karen Dalton - It Hurts Me Too Jefferson Airplane - High Flying Bird
Muddy Waters/Phil Oscher - Got My Mojo Workin'
Paul Butterfield - Drifting Blues - Monterey 1967 Mike Bloomfield/Junior Wells/Nick Gravenites - Messing With the Kid Jefferson Airplane - Saturday Afternoon - 1969
 Click on image to get free downlaods of eBooks.
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