Sometimes my mind is a roller coaster ride.
It is up, then down, then up again, until I think I might throw up.
I figure the best way to deal is to let it out.
Even if I don't think anyone is going to listen.
So I am going to be writing a lot more.
And this is not a bad thing for me.
A little vulnerability may be just what I need.

I had always tried to be that person.
The one who looks at things differently.
The one that you can always go to for advice.
The one not afraid to challenge someone.
I am not that person at all.

What happened, what changed?
I had been asking myself that for years.
Going over old movies in my head.
My only conclusion is that life had happened.
It snuck up behind me and gave me a knuckle sandwhich.
It knocked me out in the second round.
Since then I have been afraid to get back up.

I can honestly say that I am not honest.
No one that I am friends with currently knows me in my current state.
And I wouldn't want them to.
I don't even know me.
I am done trying to go back and be the same person, it doesn't work.
So all that is left is to move forward.
But in order to do that I need to face my past demons.
I have to figure out what went wrong and stop it from happening again.

I know the saddest thing for me to face is the thought that I am not missed.
That fact is the thing that keeps me cautious.
It doesn't allow me to get close to anyone.
Even though I desire that connection more than anything.
I feel like I am easy to walk away from.
So many people have walked away.
Why should I believe otherwise?

I keep myself hidden so deep.
Something is constantly screaming in me to get out.
It is difficult to walk around like that everyday.
And smile, and tell people you are fine.
When all you really want to do is fall apart.
Just to feel a little human again.
To have someone see the real you and stay.
Even though you are a complete mess.
To feel worth something.
Because sometimes I feel so worthless.

I keep everyone at an arms length.
To protect myself, to not get hurt.
Let down, dissapointed.
You can't be dissapointed when you don't expect anything.
I have hurt myself worse than any enemy could.
No one is there when I can't breathe.
When I can't sleep at night because I'm shaking too bad.
I have no one to blame but myself.

I know better, I am not a stupid person.
I know somewhere out there, someone feels the same.
I know I am going to get hurt sometimes.
That is life.
And to avoid that is to not live at all.
I just want to feel.
I want to cry.
I want to laugh.
I want to stop being afraid.
Worried.

Truth.
Truth is I miss me.
I miss feeling people around me.
I miss getting to know everyone and looking them in the eye.
I miss someone reaching to touch me and not flinching.
I miss the hurt, as weird as it sounds.
It is what makes me feel human. Alive.
It makes me feel like I put myself into a relationship I cared about.
I miss you more than you will ever know.
I hope someday to change that and tell you.

Sometimes you have to lose yourself in order to find out who you really are.

Sometimes I wonder if people are seeing the same things I am.
In the same way.
Sometimes I wonder how they could be if they react so differently.
I guess that is what makes us all unique.
I have always felt a little different, a little off the mainstream thought process.
I always feel as though I am either one step ahead or two steps back.
I overanalyze things that cannot be analyzed in the first place.
In a way, I see everything.
And in another, I see nothing at all.

I watch people fall apart and I watch people pull themselves back together.
I watch people kill something in themselves everyday.
I watch people say one thing and do the complete opposite.
I watch people walk away from love, and chase after lust.
I watch you lie to yourself and everyone you know.

In that lies part of the problem.
I watch a hell of a lot, but never allow myself to experience much of it.
I learn a lot from other people's mistakes without ever having to make them myself.
But sometimes I want to feel what they do.
Because I fear I have trained myself to not feel at all.
I'm always the one watching.
Who is watching me?

I feel like I'm always searching for someone.
Who I'm not entirely sure.
Perhaps a kindred spirit.
Someone not afraid to do something.
Someone not afraid to push me when I tell them to stop.
Someone to watch the thoughts that go on behind my eyes.
It's damn near impossible, I know.
No one on this earth can pull anything out of you that you don't want them to.
But they can make you want to try.
It's just a matter of finding someone that leaves you better. Not worse.
Or better yet someone that never leaves at all.
Maybe I just need to be what I am looking for.
But being your own best friend gets lonely after awhile.

I'm just tired of people acting like no one sees what they do.
As if no one in this world is looking at them at that precise moment.
When their eyes wander, or they talk about someone negatively.
I'm right here, and I see the way you tap the desk when nervous.
I've always kept my promise.
But you lied to me.
How do you live with yourself?
How do I live with myself..

I'll be there when you need me.
I'll be sitting in the back of the room quietly.
You'll always be able to spot me.
I'm the one trying my hardest to remain unnoticed.

My intentions were to never give myself to anyone.
Look what I've done.

I will let you walk away without stopping you.
At least that is what I told myself a thousand times.
And I don't need you.
I don't want you.
But I want to know you are there.
Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am thinking.
Sometimes it is all I understand.
It's just me being me.
And that makes me smile.
I haven't been me in awhile.
And I haven't really smiled in a long time and felt it.

I am better off now.
I can breathe.
I can stop my hands from shaking.
I can sleep until morning.
I walk outside and Ifeel the sun.
I can believe again that there are people out there that are good deep down.
Sometimes I look at you and I can hope you are one of them.
I will always hope that for you.

But it's about me now.
I want to live.
Without fear.
Without restraint.
I want to be a little clumsy and messy.
I want to feel free.
I want to let the wind blow my hair everywhere.
I want to dive in.
I want to not give a damn.
I want to care so much it hurts.
I want to love and be loved.

It is what we all want.
But we kill each other constantly.
None of us are steady.
We struggle to be honest and truthful.
We turn our backs on friends to pursue another.
We don't return phone calls.
We don't say "I love you" and mean it.
We fail each other.
Over and over..

It makes me wonder how God feels.
When I am afraid to talk to Him.
When He talks and I don't listen.
While he watches me fail.
While he watches me get hurt.
While he watches me give in.
Over and over again.

It makes me sad to think about.
It really does.
But in the same sense I am glad I am thinking about it.
I have hope we can change.
I have hope I can change.
Someday I will know the answers.
Until then I will keep asking the questions.

It is nice to feel human again.
And be able to admit I am.
And not care about pleasing everyone.
I am not here to try to be perfect.
I am not here to please you.
I am here for something greater.
It flows through my veins to my heart.
It makes me feel something you can't make me feel.

And in that moment I forgive you.
It doesn't matter anymore.
Because you aren't perfect either.
But you deserve another chance.
Because God gave me another one.
If he can forgive me, I can forgive you.

It would change the world.
If we died daily.