i'm...

happy

sad

overwhelmed

blessed

scared

excited

busy

lazy

ugly

pretty

ignant

....

i'm at a loss of words.  I can't formulate my thoughts.  My feelings.  Ever since we started getting ready to leave L.A.  I can't seem to express myself.  I want to share my stories, my feelings, my love, my thoughts...but I don't know what to say.  That list up there is as good as it gets.  I take comfort in the fact that the people I LOVE already know and I don't need to say it.  All my friends, all my family, my HB...I have so much to tell you all.  Is it because my life is changing that all of a sudden I feel so overwhelmed with emotions?  Lately i've been fearing Life while at the same time savoring everything and everyone.  Kind of an oxymoron?  or not?  I don't know.  It's so scary.  Life can end so quickly.  It's so exciting...because we get to LIVE until it does.

Ps.  please to anyone who reads this.  pray for my hb's brother who has terminal cancer and for my uncle who also has cancer.  for a good friends father who has cancer but is in remission.  for another friends mom who has cancer.  for amy's mom who had cancer.  for kim and cooks' mom who had cancer. for chips wife who had cancer.  Your strength and the strength of your family and friends during tough times is inspirational.  For all the people that cancer has given a wake up call to.  It's a gift in a way right?  It's like...hey you remember that gift of life I gave you?  Open it and enjoy it.  For those that died because of cancer.  You are like Jesus.   You lived, you loved, you died and we can continue to live and learn.  We all are like Jesus.

What would jesus do?????? what would jesus do?

ohhhhhh my head hurts. 

ps.  i love nicholas golla so much that it hurts.  literally.  it's scary to love so deep but it's also exciting.  you should try it.  with your own HB of course.

I just finished watching "P.S. I love you".

Is it just me or does EVERYTHING....EVERYTHING feel like a life lesson?  Not just the movie...but everything down to parking your car in a busy lot.  I know random but yeah...i feel like parking your car is a life lesson.

It just stresses me out sometimes...I feel like I over think everything.  Maybe this happens as you get older....you just think more.  Hmm, I feel like i've always overthought everything.  Is it us virgos?  Is it us women?  Is it our generation?  Is it cuz i'm black?  oh wait, i wish. jk.  I love being filipino.  Maybe it's because i'm Filipino?  What am I talking about?  goshhhhhhhhhhhh darn tangents.

Goodnight.

no wait, i'm not done.

I've decided that LIFE IS A MYSTERY.  It's meant to be that way.  God gives us little clues and hints to the meaning of life....but i think the clues will lead to this answer....JUST LIVE.  Don't wait, do it now.  Live.

My dad has had this ipod nano for 2 years and has never used it because he doesn’t know how.  We both finally remembered to fix it while i’m here!!  Sad, I should have done it way sooner, but I don’t really know how to do that stuff either cuz other peeps (cj, janet, etc) help with mine.

Anyways...this is what my dad wants on his  ipod :)

Tom Jones

Engelbert Humperdink

Kenny Rogers

Beatles

ABBA

Barry Manilow

BeeGees

John Denver

Beach Boys

ETC....

So as i was testing it i was listening to tom jones’ "WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT?" and realized how funny it would be to me if i overheard this song in someone’s headphones...especially someone like my dad.

HA.  CUTE.  Hope he enjoys his new 2 year old ipod!  I finally figured out how to put songs on it....there’s only 50 songs for now.  But it’s dang GOOD MUSIC.  I love all those artists and the songs they sing.  Thanks for the reminder daddy!

I’m so thankful that I haven’t had a nightmare in a while cuz my nightmares are sooooo twilight zone horror movie creepy....

Instead there are a few recurring themes in my dreams.  Here they are...

1.  Toilets:  I’m either going to the bathroom....and it always takes place in a public restroom.  The toilet is almost always kinda dirty or the bathroom stalls are too low so people can see me sitting...or there are no stalls at all....or the bathroom is hella old and scary.  I can’t really remember details...

Last night though I dreamt I was helping a baby go pee pee.  He was like one years old...he hopped onto and sat down on a huge toilet sitting all the way to the back of the seat and just peed.  I was scared that his pee would go past the seat so i tried to block the pee with my hand to prevent it from going on the floor.

HELLO?!?!? NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!  But these dreams aren’t scary...just uncomfortable...but with good friends around usually.

2.  Cars:  I’ve been dreaming of car accidents, my car breaking down, or hopping from car to car on a free way.  Or pushing cars...etc. 

These dreams are usually suspensful.  I’m usually alone and scared.  Not a nightmare..but def a bad dream.

3.  A little lizard the size of a dime:  In my dreams he is my pet....but more like a friend.  He is smart.  He stays on my arm like a little lizard sticker.  He has a name in my dream that starts with an "S" but I can’t remember it when I wake up.  I’m always worried about him that he will fall off or someone will squish him. 

whhhhhy?  That’s soooo nickelodeon.  These dreams are kinda silly...but feels so real. 

I feel bad for the people who have no one. 

No one to hug them or even touch them.   Dirty homeless people that no one wants to even come close to....not even high 5 or a handshake.

No one to talk to??!!  Not even about the stupid weather or how much your feet hurt from walking...

I am lucky.  Why do I get to be lucky?  What makes me more special then the homeless person on the street.  What makes me less special then Jessica Alba?

Nothing.  It's all in our heads.  That's the problem though, cuz that's where we live.  Sometimes we take a vacation to the heart, or a little weekend visit to the soul, but we're always chillin in our heads.  Holding ourselves back...or even worse holding others back. 

I think I'm gonna start meditating.

Dont Wanna forget.

I just turned 28 a couple months ago.

28 years of being me.

A million experiences that make up my life.

So many little things that I don't wanna forget....

So here it is...in list form.

______________________

The sniffing kisses from my grandma, telling me that I smell good. "ang bango ang apo ko!"

The Jem doll I got for Christmas with earrings that lit up the holidays.

Going clam digging with my family and screaming when we see worms.

Living in the dorms with all the best homies.

The way my HB touches my face.

My dad getting me taho in the philippines.

walking around campus at UW and Seattle Prep with cooks.

Spring Break 99.

Hawaii with Yose, Puh, and Glo.  Bus 1.

Playing with the neighbors when I was little:  Tiffany and Bridget/ Wayne and Lexine/ Shella and Joanna/ Jeannie and Jason/ M.M and P.J/Leah and Alvin (what the heck??? they all came in 2's??)

Taking walks with my mom.

Shopping with my mom.

Cinnabon with my mom.

Playing Gladiators with Leonard.

Scooping up Leonards poop behind the T.V when he was 2?

Looking forward to Ati-Atihan...cute boys and food.

Gradeschool dances and being cool :) and having fun with the St. Matt's crew.

Sliding down the stairs in sleeping bags with Jocelyn and Joy Emily.

Sliding down the driveway and skinning the side of my knee with Jocelyn and Joy Emily.

DV8.

Vertigo.

Taking care of each other.

Sharing a 1 bedroom with Tita Betty.

Camping with Kultura.

Driving to Edmonton Canada with the Espiritus.

Touch game with Breed.

Freeze Tag with Breed.

EVE with Breed.

Preparing for EVE with Nuggs.

Mr.Kirkland: Science, Steppin', life

Mr. Olsen: how a teacher can be so inspirational

Hula

Birch Bay

Filipino Night with kaSAma

Nanay's old house...cold, dark, but happy and comfy

Eating clam chowder in the car with my mom.

Mr. Robinson, 4th grade teacher and a warlock :)

Drawing pictures on our pink carpet. 

Good Friends coming to family parties.

Vegas for my 21st with parents.

Vegas for Judy's Birthday.

Vegas for Daisy's Birthday.

Vegas for Core Retreat.

Vegas for Tita Joy's (Elm's mama's) bday.

Carribean Cruise with parents, Jocelyn, Tita Auring, and Uncle Lining.

Matress shopping with tita liza, rachelle, and parents...rachelle lifting the matress.

The Rivera Christmas parties.

Nanang and Papang's house...rose garden, playing with jeanette, eating avocado with banana's, sugar, and milk...tobacco, itang, itang's presents, tito boyet, ivars...

First and foremost: ODIE (yorkie)

I miss odie!!  He's henry and jose's dog, but i'm his ninang and I love him.  He loves to play and is a little selfish sometimes...but you can't ever deny him cuz he's TOOOOO CUTE.  Nuggs and I even wrote a song for the little rascal..

"odegard/odegard/I can't wait to see you boy/ your so cuddly/ your so wuddly/and you like to run around

simon/siiiimon/what a great cat you are/you're so fluffy/ you're so wuffly/ and you like to play with string

what a great catT and DOgG...dun dun."

TRUST, it's better when we sing it :)  We still have to add theodore aka. chodore to the song.

2ND PLACE GOES TO: BEAR (cock spans)

He loves to be petted (is that a word?) and walked.  Me and nuggs love to walk elm and dave's 3 dogs together!!  I always choose to walk Bear cuz he's sweet as suga!!  If he had a human voice it would be low and slow...kinda like eeyore's.

2 1/2 place is a tie and goes to:  BUSTER (cocker spans) and BIGGIE

BUSTER:

This is Elm and Dave's newest pup.  Although this dog is too mahtz sometimes...you can't blame him for being playful.  He likes to run in circles and gets your attention by tapping your arm with his paw.  He has freckles and is super cute.

BIGGIE:

Khai and joanna's little yorkie.  He's a bundle of energy and love.  And he has a few tricks up his sleeve.  My fave is when he plays dead.  Wait, how sad!! why do dog's play dead!!??? He's a cutie.

3RD PLACE GOES TOOOOO: BENTLY

Shana's hotdog dog.  HE'S SOOOO LOVEABLE!  he likes to cuddle and hide under blankets.  ANNNND I love hotdogs!!  hehhe

4TH PLACE GOES TO: CECE!!

She loves to give you kisses which is cute except that she has bad doggy breath.  She takes good care of her 2 boys....and she's blaaaaaaacks. ;)

Honarable mentions: Taps, Ranger, and sushi

I always get hooked on certain shows...actually I like to hook myself onto certain shows because it's fun.  Just because some people "don't have time to watch t.v" does not make them "cooler" or more educated.  Actually if you want to be scholarly you should freakin watch at least some t.v so you know the entertainment trends and why people watch certain things. 

 AHHHHH i'm so off topic.

******

Right now I'm watching "Curb your Enthusiasm".  I heard it was "great" from a friend so I started watching her dvd's.  At first I didn't think it was that funny, but then you really get to know the characters and they are so real but with a dash of realdiculous that it's hilarious.  The latest episode I watched Larry was choking on a pubic hair.  YUCK. HA!  I heard that it's improv with a guidline...the actors are da bomb!

I'm also watching America's Next Top Model.  The actors are not da bomb but they are pretty.  Sometimes.  It's dope though and I love the challenges they do every week.  I wanna do a photoshoot!

I also just watched a few episodes of "Pushing Daisies"...most original concept for a show that i've seen in a while.  I also love how it's shot.  It's so much fun.  Watch it...it's too much to explain.

That's it! :)

Isn't it funny that the people that ALWAYS (not just sometimes) talk about "drama" or "haters" or "bitches" are probably the problem to begin with?  You know those people that drama just follows?

Not saying that they are bad people....just check yo'self before you start pointing fingers because most likely there is something you are doing wrong.  It would be sad if you had to deal with "haters" your whole life.  Get u some "lovers" instead.

The way people treat you is usually a reflection of how you treat them.  I know I know...not all the time....cuz bitches really do exist! hahaha

just a random thought.